T
Thanks_BL_angels
Guest
I have been a long time reader of BL. I have posted a few times, and have realized that I need some help from the community. Unfortunately, I don't know anyone in RL that can help me with this. Somehow, I feel weird posting this under my BL sn, so I am posting anonymously.
I have been taking benzos and sleeping pills for about 4 years now. I used mostly Triazolam .25-.5 mg a night for sleep, but occasionally mixed in 20mg sonata, 10mg ambien, or a few random others. However, recently, I have been taking Triazolam consistently as the sonata stopped working and started giving me rebound insomnia, and was the most effective sleeping pill I have tried. In addition, it seemed to have the least hangover effect, and gave me the least amount of memory problems (which is weird as Halcion seems to have a reputation for causing huge amounts of amnesia.)
However, in the last year, I started noticing some problems with this regiment. It got to the point where I could not sleep at all without triazolam. There have been times when I have gone without sleep for 36 hours, and I just felt tweaked out, but I still couldn't get sleep without a sleeping pill. It started to really bother me.
About 2 years ago, my doctor started prescribing me Xanax for my anxiety issues. It worked like a charm until about 8 months ago. I took it occasionally as I needed it and there wasn't a problem. However, 9 months ago, I was forced to move home. Living at home was extremely stressful for me, and I was forced to take my Xanax daily, just to cope with the stress of being at home. Although I started with .125 mg daily, it has increased to .25-.375 mg daily. Bear in mind, I was still taking daily halcion for sleep. I knew the risks of benzos going into all of this, however, I felt I had no other options. I had to put a band-aid on my sleep problems and anxiety issues so I could get through that phase of my life.
Nine months later, and I realize I cannot function without my daily Xanax. I hate it. It has increased my anxiety so much that I cannot function without them. Now, bear in mind, I don't have a stress free life. I have just moved out on my own and have a stressful job. I am also working on like 3 side projects and am on the brink of launching my career. However, I don't feel as if I should need daily benzos just to get through the day, nor do I like the compounded anxiety that comes from daily benzo usage.
Another important impetuous for this realization is that I am starting to feel ultra foggy headed and dumb. My memory has gone down a ton in the last few months. It could be due to the fact that I am out of school--but it is driving me nuts. I don't want to do things that will destroy my mind any more. I tend to be fairly protective of my cognitive functioning, and I want to maintain my mind.
Therefore, I need advice on what to do. I am trying to figure out whether I can maintain my life and cut out the Xanax. I can't leave my full time job (40+ hours a week), or stop any of my side projects. I might be able to quit my job in about 6 months and have a few months to deal with it with just a couple of side projects that I am passionate about, but that is uncertain at this point. However, I am scared that waiting a few more months may make the issue even worse. I am also wondering whether I could quit the Xanax while continuing with the Halcion, as I know I cannot get off sleeping pills completely at this point. I can't afford to have the months of insomnia and f***ed up sleep that is coming when I get off the pills. I need to be able to maintain normal hours of sleep as I need to be in my job from 8-5 m-f. I have very few days off. Will cutting out the xanax just make it so that I am in benzo withdrawl at all times? I seemed to do fine with 3 years of just the Halcion before the Xanax came into play.
Also, I have recently quit smoking. I have been smoke free for 3 weeks, and have been using 1 losenge a day for maintenance. (I fell off the wagon 3 weeks ago. Before that I had been nicotine free for 2 months, and smoke free for almost 3 months.) However, I am not sure I can cut out the nicotine completely if I try to cut out the xanax. Is it better to wait on the xanax until I get the nicotine out of my system, or just pick up smoking for the case of getting off the xanax? I know I need to quit them both in the next year or so. All I know is that the anxiety issues have gotten so bad that I am scared to take psychedellics, and am scared of altered mindsets. I just kinda feel like I am on the brink of insanity. However, I can't really discuss this with anyone, as I don't want to get locked up. Life seems a lot more scary right now than it did a few years ago.
Any suggestions from the experienced benzo users? I have not taken benzos or any sleeping pills recreationally, as they aren't recreational for me. They are a way for me to handle my anxiety/sleeping/muscle/pain problems. (I can only really have painless sex with a benzo or other relaxant in my system. Thankfully, I have no SO right now, so it isn't really an issue.) But over the years, the benzos themselves have become their own problem. To compound the problem, I have ADHD and take stimulants to manage that. I somehow can't function without the right cocktail of drugs.
Also, my current dosing is .5mg Halcion, .25-.375 mg Xanax a day. I know it is a really low dosage, but I refused to escalate the dose, as I knew the problems associated with that. However, I didn't realize how much daily usage for 9 months or so would affect the brain. I am thinking of contacting my doctor tomorrow to see if I can change the Xanax out for Klonopin, which will either maintain the benzos in my body as I am taking them daily anyway, and possibly help me taper down without the huge jolt to my body. However, I am not sure I can handle any of this right now at all as I don't have the right support network. Honestly, right now, I feel completely alone in the world. I can't just lean on my roommies, and I don't want to put a huge strain on them right now. I also don't want them to hate me completely and push me out into the street in the middle of this.
I hate feeling as if I don't know what to do, as I am usually the person that people come do when they are having drug issues. But please, if anyone can help me figure out whether or not to start on this journey or hold off for a few months or years. Also, any tips for doing all this while maintaining my workload (as at the moment, nothing can be halted at all) would be helpful.
Thank you bluelight. In the past, you have provided me a lot of knowledge and entertainment. Now I hope you can provide some guidance in this pivotal time of my life.
Mods, please move to TDS or OD--whichever you think would be able to get me the most assistance with this issues. Thanks in advance.
I have been taking benzos and sleeping pills for about 4 years now. I used mostly Triazolam .25-.5 mg a night for sleep, but occasionally mixed in 20mg sonata, 10mg ambien, or a few random others. However, recently, I have been taking Triazolam consistently as the sonata stopped working and started giving me rebound insomnia, and was the most effective sleeping pill I have tried. In addition, it seemed to have the least hangover effect, and gave me the least amount of memory problems (which is weird as Halcion seems to have a reputation for causing huge amounts of amnesia.)
However, in the last year, I started noticing some problems with this regiment. It got to the point where I could not sleep at all without triazolam. There have been times when I have gone without sleep for 36 hours, and I just felt tweaked out, but I still couldn't get sleep without a sleeping pill. It started to really bother me.
About 2 years ago, my doctor started prescribing me Xanax for my anxiety issues. It worked like a charm until about 8 months ago. I took it occasionally as I needed it and there wasn't a problem. However, 9 months ago, I was forced to move home. Living at home was extremely stressful for me, and I was forced to take my Xanax daily, just to cope with the stress of being at home. Although I started with .125 mg daily, it has increased to .25-.375 mg daily. Bear in mind, I was still taking daily halcion for sleep. I knew the risks of benzos going into all of this, however, I felt I had no other options. I had to put a band-aid on my sleep problems and anxiety issues so I could get through that phase of my life.
Nine months later, and I realize I cannot function without my daily Xanax. I hate it. It has increased my anxiety so much that I cannot function without them. Now, bear in mind, I don't have a stress free life. I have just moved out on my own and have a stressful job. I am also working on like 3 side projects and am on the brink of launching my career. However, I don't feel as if I should need daily benzos just to get through the day, nor do I like the compounded anxiety that comes from daily benzo usage.
Another important impetuous for this realization is that I am starting to feel ultra foggy headed and dumb. My memory has gone down a ton in the last few months. It could be due to the fact that I am out of school--but it is driving me nuts. I don't want to do things that will destroy my mind any more. I tend to be fairly protective of my cognitive functioning, and I want to maintain my mind.
Therefore, I need advice on what to do. I am trying to figure out whether I can maintain my life and cut out the Xanax. I can't leave my full time job (40+ hours a week), or stop any of my side projects. I might be able to quit my job in about 6 months and have a few months to deal with it with just a couple of side projects that I am passionate about, but that is uncertain at this point. However, I am scared that waiting a few more months may make the issue even worse. I am also wondering whether I could quit the Xanax while continuing with the Halcion, as I know I cannot get off sleeping pills completely at this point. I can't afford to have the months of insomnia and f***ed up sleep that is coming when I get off the pills. I need to be able to maintain normal hours of sleep as I need to be in my job from 8-5 m-f. I have very few days off. Will cutting out the xanax just make it so that I am in benzo withdrawl at all times? I seemed to do fine with 3 years of just the Halcion before the Xanax came into play.
Also, I have recently quit smoking. I have been smoke free for 3 weeks, and have been using 1 losenge a day for maintenance. (I fell off the wagon 3 weeks ago. Before that I had been nicotine free for 2 months, and smoke free for almost 3 months.) However, I am not sure I can cut out the nicotine completely if I try to cut out the xanax. Is it better to wait on the xanax until I get the nicotine out of my system, or just pick up smoking for the case of getting off the xanax? I know I need to quit them both in the next year or so. All I know is that the anxiety issues have gotten so bad that I am scared to take psychedellics, and am scared of altered mindsets. I just kinda feel like I am on the brink of insanity. However, I can't really discuss this with anyone, as I don't want to get locked up. Life seems a lot more scary right now than it did a few years ago.
Any suggestions from the experienced benzo users? I have not taken benzos or any sleeping pills recreationally, as they aren't recreational for me. They are a way for me to handle my anxiety/sleeping/muscle/pain problems. (I can only really have painless sex with a benzo or other relaxant in my system. Thankfully, I have no SO right now, so it isn't really an issue.) But over the years, the benzos themselves have become their own problem. To compound the problem, I have ADHD and take stimulants to manage that. I somehow can't function without the right cocktail of drugs.
Also, my current dosing is .5mg Halcion, .25-.375 mg Xanax a day. I know it is a really low dosage, but I refused to escalate the dose, as I knew the problems associated with that. However, I didn't realize how much daily usage for 9 months or so would affect the brain. I am thinking of contacting my doctor tomorrow to see if I can change the Xanax out for Klonopin, which will either maintain the benzos in my body as I am taking them daily anyway, and possibly help me taper down without the huge jolt to my body. However, I am not sure I can handle any of this right now at all as I don't have the right support network. Honestly, right now, I feel completely alone in the world. I can't just lean on my roommies, and I don't want to put a huge strain on them right now. I also don't want them to hate me completely and push me out into the street in the middle of this.
I hate feeling as if I don't know what to do, as I am usually the person that people come do when they are having drug issues. But please, if anyone can help me figure out whether or not to start on this journey or hold off for a few months or years. Also, any tips for doing all this while maintaining my workload (as at the moment, nothing can be halted at all) would be helpful.
Thank you bluelight. In the past, you have provided me a lot of knowledge and entertainment. Now I hope you can provide some guidance in this pivotal time of my life.
Mods, please move to TDS or OD--whichever you think would be able to get me the most assistance with this issues. Thanks in advance.
