need help badly

[snowboarder88]

i went through a serious drug period and then a serious withdrawal period where i questioned everything ive ever done, questioned every relationship with every person ive ever had, and grew to accept everything ive done. that took a while.

now i realize that ive burnt every bridge with every person i ve cared about, like good contacts that i detroyed, and will not graduate on time. i am 21, don't have a girlfriend, the last girl i liked did drugs and lives in london, and i live in america, all i care about it living in the city, NYC or London and i dont see myself getting there soon. i don't like where i live, i don't like the school i go to, and i dont like my friends. i realized i've just been fucked up since ive met them, like 3 years ago. i dont even know if i would like the friends that i made in london, people that i seemed to really care about but im not sure if we ever had fun together because all i did with them is drugs. the last year of my life is especially a blur. i don't even know any girls i actually like. the last girl i loved was probabley extremely infatuated because i met her a day after a k-hole (she was doing k the night i met her by herself). and all my money is spent. and i feel like i have absolutely nothing going for me. like all of my emotions and what i did was based around doing drugs. i feel like my life is a joke and everything that i once had was either my drug induced imagination or something i will never ever come close to getting back. my goals are fucked. i wanted to be an investment banker. my gpa is a 2.6, you need at least a 3.0 to even be considered for an interview, let alone get one. i feel like everything ive ever done was because of drugs. i feel like a fucking loser, like i have based my life off of nothing, like people looked at me when i was fucked up and was like, "what the fuck is this kid doing?" and i thought i was good to go. i failed two classes, ive never failed classes before. and now im suppose to be moving out of my house and i dont have anywhere close to the means to do so. I had so much regret but now i am just feeling the after-glow of it. im fucked. i didnt know what i was doing, i just got so caught up in everything. i dont even know what happened to me. i dont have any good memories with the people i care about. i dont even know what to do. i dont have a foundation. i dont have a reason to be motivated anymore and i dont have a reason for any girl to actually like me. like the girls that liked me before will probabley just realize im a joke. i dont have anything

i had issues for years that i kept bottled up and they all came out when i stopped doing drugs, i was hiding behind so much shit for so long and no i've realized that.

i should've had at least one of two girlfriends right now but neither of them would even fuck me because i was such an asshole.

im not sure if i yearn for this girl because i miss the drugs, london, or her actually.

what the fuck do i do now?

i also don't know what the fuck to look forward to in life.

im embarrassed. i had a serious problem, figured it out on my own so no one knew i had a problem and now i feel like an asshole, because i was one. and im not one.

so many people told me to get help for years and i didnt realize it until literally it was too late.

 

[Legerity]

Woah there cowboy, you're stuck in a negative thought loop that focusing on every single so-called "failure" that you have experienced.

Do you think your worth has anything to two with two potential girlfriends that "wouldn't fuck you because you were an asshole"?

Do you expect to have your whole life figured out at 21?

Do you really think that drug use is the cause of whatever problems you think you have? I would suspect that there is a reason for your drug use and that figuring out this reason may be helpful.

If you can work on changing your way of thinking the rest will fall into place eventually. As long as you continue to see things the same way you will experience them the same way.

 

[stellablue]

i went through a serious drug period and then a serious withdrawal period where i questioned everything ive ever done, questioned every relationship with every person ive ever had, and grew to accept everything ive done. that took a while.

^ I know this feeling oh to well.

now i realize that ive burnt every bridge with every person i ve cared about, like good contacts that i detroyed, and will not graduate on time. i am 21, don't have a girlfriend, the last girl i liked did drugs and lives in london, and i live in america, all i care about it living in the city, NYC or London and i dont see myself getting there soon. i don't like where i live, i don't like the school i go to, and i dont like my friends.

^ This will pass as long as you just try and figure out what you did and what you are wanting to do from here on out. If you really want to mend these bridges and find different friends then you have to do it the hard way. The hard way takes time, but is the only sure way to get your life back. Drugs are fun, but are you having fun now? When I ask this, I am meaning are you having fun while you are high now or are you in the stage of feeling bad all of the time?

my goals are fucked. i wanted to be an investment banker. my gpa is a 2.6, you need at least a 3.0 to even be considered for an interview, let alone get one. i feel like everything ive ever done was because of drugs. i feel like a fucking loser, like i have based my life off of nothing, like people looked at me when i was fucked up and was like, "what the fuck is this kid doing?" and i thought i was good to go. i failed two classes, ive never failed classes before. and now im suppose to be moving out of my house and i dont have anywhere close to the means to do so. I had so much regret but now i am just feeling the after-glow of it. im fucked. i didnt know what i was doing, i just got so caught up in everything. i dont even know what happened to me. i dont have any good memories with the people i care about. i dont even know what to do. i dont have a foundation. i dont have a reason to be motivated anymore and i dont have a reason for any girl to actually like me. like the girls that liked me before will probabley just realize im a joke. i dont have anything

^ This is because you are still on the roller coaster of the coming down off drugs. You will be able to get your GPA up it will just take you longer. If this is really what you want then what is an extra year of school to the rest of your life doing what you want. You wouldn't be a joke, you would be a survivior.

i had issues for years that i kept bottled up and they all came out when i stopped doing drugs, i was hiding behind so much shit for so long and no i've realized that.

i should've had at least one of two girlfriends right now but neither of them would even fuck me because i was such an asshole.

im not sure if i yearn for this girl because i miss the drugs, london, or her actually.

what the fuck do i do now?

i also don't know what the fuck to look forward to in life.

im embarrassed. i had a serious problem, figured it out on my own so no one knew i had a problem and now i feel like an asshole, because i was one. and im not one.

so many people told me to get help for years and i didnt realize it until literally it was too late

^ Go back to these people and admit your problem. It will help you to have support and to be able to vent to the ones who care about you about why you are not the guy you were betraying to be, but a good guy that has a problem. You can always vent in here, and you will be supported, but you also need to make up your mind that enough is enough, and you are worth it. Please think all of your options through. Do you have any ideas where you can move? Maybe picking a place that you can't score would be a good idea for now. Just a thought, maybe you should put off relationships until you are better grounded with yourself. You don't want to add more pain into the mix. You can pm me anytime or hit me up on msn under [email protected]. Good luck.
*Love and light from the Carolina's*

As long as you continue to see things the same way you will experience them the same way.

^ So true.

 

[snowboarder88]

yea i think it has everything to do with these two potential girlfriends. the thing is they definitely would have fucked me but every time i would hang out with them there was no drive. like i was just there. i didnt even care to fuck her. there was one time when i was like all i want to do is fuck you, like rip her clothes off but my friend was there, and another time but her friend was there. the thing was too with these girls was that the first one, had a month left in u.s. to chill with her and it was finals. the second girl, same instance, except she was in her home country and i wasnt and i was in bad, bad shape by then. i literally couldnt even get a boner when i would make out with them. then i went through this whole period of regret about how many girls i didnt even try to get with because i was too fucked up.

but like these two girls i really liked and wanted to fuck and i just couldnt. like i couldnt even get the mood right because all i wanted to do with them was smoke pot. and i met the one through smoking weed and i was just in a bad, bad place. just get over em right? like it was a mutual liking and i fucked it up that bad because i wasnt myself, like seriously in a dark, dark place at the time. just move on right? girl fits the time period.

i was just there for both of these girls, like literally just there. i was a mess and they thought that was who i was. just get over em right?

and theres a little bit having to do with seeing all of my friends getting jobs in the city already, but that i can deal with.

 

[Legerity]

I understand what you're saying, but if you decide how you feel about yourself based on things that happen in the past you will always be able to find reasons to beat yourself up. And sex drive goes away if there are things using up your energy, don't worry about that.

You didn't fuck anything up with the girls, you think the relationships you had were a failure. But there is no right or wrong way to have a relationship, each is different. Maybe these girls just liked you for who you are and there is nothing wrong with you.