ghcheech
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Feb 25, 2008
- Messages
- 21
Hey BLers,
First off I want to thank the BL community because you have helped and possibly saved me throughout the YEARS of substance abuse and what ultimately has become full blown addiction. I am a behind the scenes guy and usually browse to find the concentrated information I need which has been indeed very helpful. I have mustered up energy and courage to post about my situation and too reach out to whoever is willing to give me some support and advice. (if you do not want to read all of this skip to TURNING POINT too see where im @ RIGHT NOW.)
I am going to try too keep this organized and I am sorry if I drag on or get carried away with details. I am trying to give the most important information that I feel is relevant to my situation and the advice I need.
I have been following Bluelight since I was 18. I am now 25 years old, born and raised in Brooklyn, NY. I have been using drugs since 16 and I can give a quick timeline of my history of addiction.
First off I was an athlete and I have an addictive personality. I am a gay male and suppressed that my entire life until 18 using sports..video games..skateboarding anything to the point of addiction to block out the person I did not want to accept in myself.
If you have gotten to this point of my post thank you for sticking with me...my orientation is the reason I started using drugs and had depressive states / panic attacks before I could even understand what it even was. Not until I researched these things did I realize I was having mental breakdowns and depression.
16-18 years old was when I started experimenting with pot..xanax and perks. I was a star soccer player in high school and broke my ankle senior year of high school causing me to become depressed and all my potential scouts that were looking at me lost hope because its basically square 1 when you get back on the field.
Anyways made the decisions to focus on my studies (bachelor in Computer Science) and not play soccer..This was when my orientation came to surface cause I now had TIME to sit there focused on finding someone or exploring the possibilities since ALL the RULES I ever had to live by were gone when my parents drove off and left me in my dorm.
The shit show begins... Started dropping ALOT of X with college friends...fall in love with my "STRAIGHT" roommate and we literally rolled out every weekend at least 5/6 hits at a time and I can honestly say that ecstasy was what lead me down the path of addiction and also created and false relationship between me and my roommate i had true love for him and he loved me but in a different way not romantically....comes downs lead to pills and anything to numb me when it was over. not being loved back especially when you are all fucked up from rolling face every weekend lead to serious mental snaps and suicidal thoughts and drug abuse to the point of not caring if i woke up for a LONG time....
Heartbreak made me choose opiates and benzos and they were the only drugs I could not shake. Everyone around me that were "friends" were having there fun recreational use. It was not that for me and it never was.. i was using for different reasons then those around me and when the heart break was over i found myself in another destructive relationship and the person I have recently left jumped on the bang wagon with me. 5 year relationship of ratchetness..seriously
19-22-Started hustling too get my hands on benzos and opiates. Literally was doing 10-15 roxis a day because i was able to support the habit at the time. GOT STUCK IN THE RAVE SCENE...what a waste of time and serious serious artificial place and i feel bad for the people stuck in the cycle but i had the connects for X and made ALOT of money in it at the same time with my experience in college I was a pro by the time i was of age to rly start raving and everyone around me was following suit.. EDM scene exploded as i was turning 19-21 and it was fun dont get me wrong
21- Parents asked me to get help and i did want to get help because i cudnt hang anymore i was either sick or so fucking wasted no one wanted to be around me. Best and worst mistake I made was seeking out doctors and joined an outpatient. Found a QUACK who RXed me 3 subs a day and 3 2mg / bars a day. At the time i was now LIVING...selling the subs and keeping what needed had more then enough bars but omg this was a addicts dream... it only lasted so long
22- got arrested with so much drugs they did not believe they were all mine and hit me with 4 CLASS A Felonies with intent since i had so much they did not believe it was all for me (2gs molly 10blue 10stix a bundle of H...3/4subs 8th of bud) and was not carrying my rX which i would never make tht mistake again...Thank GOD...this was my second arrest...I did not catch a charge and was hit with disorderly conduct because I would of thrown away my entire education and my bachelors would have been worthless.
TURNING POINT...52hrs in the slammer and I was released...I was going home on the train and seized from my xanax..i did not tell them i was on meds because i did not want to be there any longer then i had too so i tried to rough it out...ofcourse when i got out n was going home i had a grand mal..woke up and with half my tounge bitten off and did not know who i was...slept for 10 hours and woke up screaming to discharge me...as soon as i told them i seized from xanax and was going to seize again unless i got meds they were REAL fucking quick to kick me right in the fucking street.
anyways that seizure did scare the fucking shit out of me and i have been weening off xanax for 2.5 yrs now 6mgs a day and now at 2.5mgs a day. I have been on suboxone for the same amount of time and have been weening off that as well. I am chronically relapsing... i have gotten 1.5 months clean off opiates and only subs.
I recently left my partner who has opiate addiction as well... we are destructive to each other and i love him so much but we only enabled each other. This is what brings it here today..since I left him i have been focusing on my weens and tryin not to relapse and keeping those around me who are clean and trying to rebuild friendships and let go of the ones tht i dont need anymore. I pushed the ween of my subs to 1mg a day and was JONESSSSINGGGGG. I was having irrational thoughts and cravings so I went bak to 1 8mg..every 6 days.. so >2mg a day
So what brings me to BL is my family wants me off all these meds. I have been doing this on my own for years and i thought i was strong enough to get it done myself. The relapses are kept under wraps and since NYE i have relapsed 4x using H. I also am pretty sure I probably have some mental disorder or panic disorder since i was young tht is masked by all these drugs.
I am here asking if you fellow BLers think I need to commit to a inpatient to really get off the subs and xanax. My insurance ends when i turn 26 in November so i have limited time that inpatient is covered and my ween on the xanax is going lower and i know i need them to come off of the subs.
I need some advice any advice on what I should do to have the best results. I am assuming I am going to probably need to live in sober living for x amount of time because of my suboxone PAWs? Will my disorder or mental health disorder be addressed in rehab? Should I not put myself in the atmosphere to be focused on drugs and addiction everyday or am i just psyching myself out. I am so lucky i have a family that now is supportive of me getting better and always have been supportive of me.
Please help me or show me some support... i have isolated myself from the people tht i grew up with becuz this epidemic has effected everyone around me.. i have lost over 10 friends to ODs or drug related deaths... the writing is on the wall...should i go on methadone since H is now becoming a problem for me as blues r jus retarded expensive and yea we all know why people choose H.. I also cant break the 2wk marks and when i pass the 2 wk mark i cant pass the month mark which is why i think maybe sober living might be proper for me but i dont have anyone that has actually KICKED SUBS.. DONE OR XANAX..everyone i know is in the shit ..on the shit or abusing the shit NOW...
I am tired of being a slave to this shit.. i also keep hearing crazyyyyy inpatient stories some really bad.. from what i gather state rehabs r not rly tht great... money is not in the equation my family has told me not to concern tht and to just GO GET BETTER.
i guess i reallllly need some advice from someone on the east/west coast tht has been in rehabs and could maybe refer or tell me more information about what goes on and if that environment is one i want to step in being tht my sub dose is so low. I also have considered going to the west coast so tht i am just away from everyone and everything tht i have ever known and can focus on just me.
I also have decided to actually accept help to go away because i am not in the destructive relationship i was in anymore. I had to do this for myself. I loved him dearly but i needed to be selfish for my own free will and to get better. I tried i really fucking tried to get clean together and all else has failed. So i need to fight this battle alone and heart broken once again because of drugs. anyways i would rather be heartbroken then using and miserable with someone tht used to give me life. i hate him and love him at the same time and i want to get better for myself and i hope in the future we can both look back n say tht was fun. but right now i needed out n i need to help myself
Sorry if this has turned rant style but for those that have read this far I hope I gave you the most important information to help give me advice on what to do. If you have any questions just ask or if someone would like to really talk to me just PM ME.
THANKS TO ANYONE WHO READS MY POST OR GIVES ADVICE OR NOT.
First off I want to thank the BL community because you have helped and possibly saved me throughout the YEARS of substance abuse and what ultimately has become full blown addiction. I am a behind the scenes guy and usually browse to find the concentrated information I need which has been indeed very helpful. I have mustered up energy and courage to post about my situation and too reach out to whoever is willing to give me some support and advice. (if you do not want to read all of this skip to TURNING POINT too see where im @ RIGHT NOW.)
I am going to try too keep this organized and I am sorry if I drag on or get carried away with details. I am trying to give the most important information that I feel is relevant to my situation and the advice I need.
I have been following Bluelight since I was 18. I am now 25 years old, born and raised in Brooklyn, NY. I have been using drugs since 16 and I can give a quick timeline of my history of addiction.
First off I was an athlete and I have an addictive personality. I am a gay male and suppressed that my entire life until 18 using sports..video games..skateboarding anything to the point of addiction to block out the person I did not want to accept in myself.
If you have gotten to this point of my post thank you for sticking with me...my orientation is the reason I started using drugs and had depressive states / panic attacks before I could even understand what it even was. Not until I researched these things did I realize I was having mental breakdowns and depression.
16-18 years old was when I started experimenting with pot..xanax and perks. I was a star soccer player in high school and broke my ankle senior year of high school causing me to become depressed and all my potential scouts that were looking at me lost hope because its basically square 1 when you get back on the field.
Anyways made the decisions to focus on my studies (bachelor in Computer Science) and not play soccer..This was when my orientation came to surface cause I now had TIME to sit there focused on finding someone or exploring the possibilities since ALL the RULES I ever had to live by were gone when my parents drove off and left me in my dorm.
The shit show begins... Started dropping ALOT of X with college friends...fall in love with my "STRAIGHT" roommate and we literally rolled out every weekend at least 5/6 hits at a time and I can honestly say that ecstasy was what lead me down the path of addiction and also created and false relationship between me and my roommate i had true love for him and he loved me but in a different way not romantically....comes downs lead to pills and anything to numb me when it was over. not being loved back especially when you are all fucked up from rolling face every weekend lead to serious mental snaps and suicidal thoughts and drug abuse to the point of not caring if i woke up for a LONG time....
Heartbreak made me choose opiates and benzos and they were the only drugs I could not shake. Everyone around me that were "friends" were having there fun recreational use. It was not that for me and it never was.. i was using for different reasons then those around me and when the heart break was over i found myself in another destructive relationship and the person I have recently left jumped on the bang wagon with me. 5 year relationship of ratchetness..seriously
19-22-Started hustling too get my hands on benzos and opiates. Literally was doing 10-15 roxis a day because i was able to support the habit at the time. GOT STUCK IN THE RAVE SCENE...what a waste of time and serious serious artificial place and i feel bad for the people stuck in the cycle but i had the connects for X and made ALOT of money in it at the same time with my experience in college I was a pro by the time i was of age to rly start raving and everyone around me was following suit.. EDM scene exploded as i was turning 19-21 and it was fun dont get me wrong
21- Parents asked me to get help and i did want to get help because i cudnt hang anymore i was either sick or so fucking wasted no one wanted to be around me. Best and worst mistake I made was seeking out doctors and joined an outpatient. Found a QUACK who RXed me 3 subs a day and 3 2mg / bars a day. At the time i was now LIVING...selling the subs and keeping what needed had more then enough bars but omg this was a addicts dream... it only lasted so long
22- got arrested with so much drugs they did not believe they were all mine and hit me with 4 CLASS A Felonies with intent since i had so much they did not believe it was all for me (2gs molly 10blue 10stix a bundle of H...3/4subs 8th of bud) and was not carrying my rX which i would never make tht mistake again...Thank GOD...this was my second arrest...I did not catch a charge and was hit with disorderly conduct because I would of thrown away my entire education and my bachelors would have been worthless.
TURNING POINT...52hrs in the slammer and I was released...I was going home on the train and seized from my xanax..i did not tell them i was on meds because i did not want to be there any longer then i had too so i tried to rough it out...ofcourse when i got out n was going home i had a grand mal..woke up and with half my tounge bitten off and did not know who i was...slept for 10 hours and woke up screaming to discharge me...as soon as i told them i seized from xanax and was going to seize again unless i got meds they were REAL fucking quick to kick me right in the fucking street.
anyways that seizure did scare the fucking shit out of me and i have been weening off xanax for 2.5 yrs now 6mgs a day and now at 2.5mgs a day. I have been on suboxone for the same amount of time and have been weening off that as well. I am chronically relapsing... i have gotten 1.5 months clean off opiates and only subs.
I recently left my partner who has opiate addiction as well... we are destructive to each other and i love him so much but we only enabled each other. This is what brings it here today..since I left him i have been focusing on my weens and tryin not to relapse and keeping those around me who are clean and trying to rebuild friendships and let go of the ones tht i dont need anymore. I pushed the ween of my subs to 1mg a day and was JONESSSSINGGGGG. I was having irrational thoughts and cravings so I went bak to 1 8mg..every 6 days.. so >2mg a day
So what brings me to BL is my family wants me off all these meds. I have been doing this on my own for years and i thought i was strong enough to get it done myself. The relapses are kept under wraps and since NYE i have relapsed 4x using H. I also am pretty sure I probably have some mental disorder or panic disorder since i was young tht is masked by all these drugs.
I am here asking if you fellow BLers think I need to commit to a inpatient to really get off the subs and xanax. My insurance ends when i turn 26 in November so i have limited time that inpatient is covered and my ween on the xanax is going lower and i know i need them to come off of the subs.
I need some advice any advice on what I should do to have the best results. I am assuming I am going to probably need to live in sober living for x amount of time because of my suboxone PAWs? Will my disorder or mental health disorder be addressed in rehab? Should I not put myself in the atmosphere to be focused on drugs and addiction everyday or am i just psyching myself out. I am so lucky i have a family that now is supportive of me getting better and always have been supportive of me.
Please help me or show me some support... i have isolated myself from the people tht i grew up with becuz this epidemic has effected everyone around me.. i have lost over 10 friends to ODs or drug related deaths... the writing is on the wall...should i go on methadone since H is now becoming a problem for me as blues r jus retarded expensive and yea we all know why people choose H.. I also cant break the 2wk marks and when i pass the 2 wk mark i cant pass the month mark which is why i think maybe sober living might be proper for me but i dont have anyone that has actually KICKED SUBS.. DONE OR XANAX..everyone i know is in the shit ..on the shit or abusing the shit NOW...
I am tired of being a slave to this shit.. i also keep hearing crazyyyyy inpatient stories some really bad.. from what i gather state rehabs r not rly tht great... money is not in the equation my family has told me not to concern tht and to just GO GET BETTER.
i guess i reallllly need some advice from someone on the east/west coast tht has been in rehabs and could maybe refer or tell me more information about what goes on and if that environment is one i want to step in being tht my sub dose is so low. I also have considered going to the west coast so tht i am just away from everyone and everything tht i have ever known and can focus on just me.
I also have decided to actually accept help to go away because i am not in the destructive relationship i was in anymore. I had to do this for myself. I loved him dearly but i needed to be selfish for my own free will and to get better. I tried i really fucking tried to get clean together and all else has failed. So i need to fight this battle alone and heart broken once again because of drugs. anyways i would rather be heartbroken then using and miserable with someone tht used to give me life. i hate him and love him at the same time and i want to get better for myself and i hope in the future we can both look back n say tht was fun. but right now i needed out n i need to help myself
Sorry if this has turned rant style but for those that have read this far I hope I gave you the most important information to help give me advice on what to do. If you have any questions just ask or if someone would like to really talk to me just PM ME.
THANKS TO ANYONE WHO READS MY POST OR GIVES ADVICE OR NOT.
