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Need advice with my first break up

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Meow1243

Bluelighter
Joined
Aug 16, 2015
Messages
113
I'm 20 years old and I've been dating this guy for four years. Lately I've been very unhappy and I've decided that it's time to end things. This is my first relationship so I've never dealt with a break up let alone been the one to do the breaking up. It's not easy for me to give out bad news or say/do anything that's going to hurt someone. He knows that that I'm unhappy in the relationship so I don't think that he will be very surprised but I know that this will be devastating to him.

He's in love with me and is dealing with several mental health issues. He's confided in me that he has thoughts of suicide, he's been diagnosed with bipolar and deals with anxiety on a daily basis. I'm very worried about how he will react to this, he doesn't have any friends or family and I'm terrified that he might turn to suicide. I want to let him down as gently as possible.

My reasons for leaving are that during our four year relationship he has only been employed for one year. He is very depressing and negative to be around and he just brings me down whenever I'm with him. I've lost a lot of respect for him over the years because of his self pity and lack of success. This is so hard for me and I just want to word everything the right way, I don't want to hurt him but this relationship has been exhausting, I just want to be happy.
 
Dear, at about 20, you've grown and he hasn't. This is why high-school relationships are usually over by age 20~21. You're more mature... and you see the problems. What you said here, is what you say to him.

Also, wish him well on getting better. You've done all that you can and you need more positive in your life.

IMO, until you've had 3~5 breakups, you got things to learn. Date many guys, learn more about what may work for you in the long run. Your brain isn't fully matured until you are about 25.
 
Hi OP, I can know where you are coming from, you will feel responsible for what will happen, you will feel guilty if he ever commits suicide and you'll feel that you are selfish, but you are actually, going to do the right thing once you break it off with him. In the long run, the relationship will continue to deteriorate. As selfish as it may sound, you are not responsible for him nor his future actions, you are responsible for yourself. You have done everything you could to stay but he has to accept the fact that the relationship is over. He already knows you are unhappy so he can't hold you back on your decision. He has to accept and respect your decision no matter how painful and hard this will affect him. There's so much you can do and you could try to seek professional help for him but do not prolong this and take care of yourself ♡
 
I am in a very similiar situation only I am a few steps ahead; I've already broken up with my partner. She also has bipolar disorder and suffers from a number of other ailments including multiple personality disorder, anxiety, depression and more. She's had a number of abusive past relationships and she inflicted her agressions onto me since I was an easy target.

It wasn't until last year when I told her that I wanted to leave that she started to try and really work on things but by then it was too late. I stayed for a year and last month I broke the news to her that I am leaving for good. We were together for a total of 7 years. I am 24 she is 34.

I wrote out a letter for her to read, but she ended up sensing something was up when I told her on the phone that we needed to talk. I ended up reading the letter to her over the phone since she insisted we talk right then.
Use your OP as a basis for your speech; but include a few personal notes about the things between you and him that you've had your mind on.
Make sure you say "i" a lot more than "you"
For instance: "I need to make sure that I am happy, I need someone who is financially and emotionally stable." Instead of "you aren't good for me because you have not been pursuing an income, etc."

If you would like to speak more, perhaps we could be friends and share experiences. I have a number of troubles still but maybe we can relate
 
Thanks for the advice chip, I'm wondering if I should just make up an excuse other than him not being successful enough or being too depressing. I'm not one to advocate lying but I think there's a real chance of him committing suicide here. He already tells me what a failure he thinks he is and how I'm the only good thing he has in his life.

I don't want to make him feel any worse by telling him that I'm leaving him because he isn't successful enough. He's been baker acted twice for suicide attempts before we met so I'm worried. I still love him and care about him I would be devastated if he killed himself. I'll send you a pm when I become a blue lighter, you seem like a very nice person I've read some of your replies before :)
 
I try my hardest to spread kindness and share my knowledge ^^ it makes me feel great when something I say helps another.

I can relate to your fear of him committing suicide. My ex also was hospitalized for suicide attempts before I met her and she's threatened it before as leverage to keep me here. She no longer says such things and she's starting to accept the fact that I will be moving out soon.

Does he have family or other friends for support? What about his living situation? What are your plans once you verbally end things? I guess I should ask if you live together.
You could always tell him that you need to see some improvement before you think about continuing your relationship with him. Then he can have the opportunity to strive for greater things; if he succeeds in getting employment and emotional help on his own, he may just find himself enjoying his new single life. Or even later on if you remain friends perhaps you really could think about getting back together.
Just a thought.

I be last thing, is he medicated?
 
I empathise with your situation. I put myself through a living hell trying to protect a suicidal partner before prioritising my own freedom & mental health.

I commend you for bring so concerned, especially in ending your first rship.

If your soon to be ex truly doesn't have a support network, make a list of numbers, helplines etc for him to at least give yourself the peace of mind that he has options should he feel suicidal again.

You cannot live a life untrue to yourself, & as heartless as it seems, you can't rescue him from any mental illness.

I'm much older than you are sweetie, & it tore my heart out to break a co-dependent r'ship off when I was fully aware that my partner would not cope very well at all with losing me.

He loved me. Was, probably still is, in love with me. Even after a break of five years he had not stopped loving me & I tried to give it another go as I never stopped loving him either. Which again didnt work.

So I understand exactly what you're saying in wanting to not tell your boyfriend the exact reasons you want to be free of him. You actually don't owe him the absolute truth if you feel that might be damaging to his mental/emotional health.

My ex also brought me down from feeling great, or at least pretty ok about life, to being miserable whenever I was with him. But he continually told me I was the positivity in his day, the light in his life. He couldn't hold a job, but it was never his fault, always the other party's. I felt such a responsibility to his welfare/happiness/state of mind

I'm not trying to hijack your thread, just the opposite,- to let you know that many, many ppl have the exact, or very similar issue.

You have a life to live, & (cliche again), you owe it to you to be happy. Sure you'll have concerns & doubts that you're doing the right thing & hopefully your boyfriend will actually get some help & start making good choices while looking towards his future too.

I'll check in soon & see how your doin

Rtp
 
He literally does not have a single person whom he would consider to be his friend, and had recently severed all ties with his family, he has absolutely nobody but me. I'm think I'm just going to tell him that when we started dating I was 16 and that I've changed a lot over the years and that him and I are no longer a good fit.

The sad thing is that he just recently got a better job and has been making obvious attempts at being more positive and pleasant to be around. The relationship is just too far gone, my unhappiness with him over the years has led to resentment and disappointment. I don't want to be with him anymore, we've already tried working on things before.

We don't live together he lives with 3 other guys in an apartment and he isn't medicated. He hated being in the hospital when he was baker acted and hasn't ever spoken to a psychologist, I don't think he ever will. I'm planning on ending things tomorrow with him in person I'm terrified and I feel sick to my stomach just thinking about it.
 
Sounds reasonable to me. Can't base a relationship on pity and I'm BP so I have a bit of experience with it. He probably has a long dark road ahead. I'm almost 32 and coming out of mine but it was a hairy decade or so. High school relationships just don't last. People change. Good luck.
 
When someone uses SUICIDE to keep another person in a relationship - its a control thing. Its about him, not you. If he really has the capacity to end his own life, then he will do it sooner or later... and the more you stick around people like that, the more likely they will take you OUT with them.

As a guy, I've thought of that too when I was young (not even close to actually doing it) - looking back... what a stupid thing. Killing yourself over another person is plain stupid.

So tell him something like that as well "you're still young and nothing keeps you from improving your life. If you kill yourself, it won't change anything. I won't go to your funeral and I won't blame myself. Nobody else will blame me either" also say "there is someone else out. I've already moved on. I would not be happy if you actually end your life over someone who no longer loves you. But still wishes the best for you and hopes we can be friends in the future"
 
We just talked. I'm sorry if this post seems jumbled and confusing, I feel so over whelmed. The whole day I've been feeling anxious about this talk. I came over to his place around 7:30 I was literally shaking, after about an hour or so I finally gathered the courage and asked him if he wanted to go on a walk.

I didn't have the heart to just flat out end things and it just didn't feel right either way. I told him that lately I've been feeling depressed and anxious and that I didn't know who I was anymore. I told him that I needed some time to myself to find out who I really am.

I wasn't really being a girlfriend to him anyways. I've been distant, emotionally unavailable and we haven't been intimate in a while, I mean we've been having sex but I haven't been into it I've just been doing it occasionally because I felt obligated. To my surprise he showed me nothing but understanding and compassion.

He told me that he understands and that he still loves me, that he will always love me and if I ever need anything that he will always be there for me. I feel so confused, I feel numb and over whelmed at the same time. I don't regret having this talk I just don't know how I feel anymore.

Yesterday I was ready to just end things, go our separate ways and now I just don't know... He took a lot of responsibility for the problems we've been having in our relationship. He said that he's been "dropping the ball" and that maybe if he had just stayed focused and had gotten a better job that we could of moved out together and things would have been different.

I just don't know what to think. All of this genuine compassion, understanding, and maturity has made me feel different about him. There was no manipulation, no guilt, no anger.... This talk was nothing like I had expected.
 
Maya said:
Hi OP, I can know where you are coming from, you will feel responsible for what will happen, you will feel guilty if he ever commits suicide and you'll feel that you are selfish, but you are actually, going to do the right thing once you break it off with him. In the long run, the relationship will continue to deteriorate. As selfish as it may sound, you are not responsible for him nor his future actions, you are responsible for yourself. You have done everything you could to stay but he has to accept the fact that the relationship is over. He already knows you are unhappy so he can't hold you back on your decision. He has to accept and respect your decision no matter how painful and hard this will affect him. There's so much you can do and you could try to seek professional help for him but do not prolong this and take care of yourself ♡
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Perfect! I could not have said it any better. You should seek for your happiness and by doing this you'd 'allow' him to seek for his.

You said he knows you are unhappy so it's time for him to deal with his issues and move on.

I can relate to you as you may feel guilty but this is something that will be good for both of you.
Take care!
 
I just don't know what to think. All of this genuine compassion, understanding, and maturity has made me feel different about him. There was no manipulation, no guilt, no anger.... This talk was nothing like I had expected
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You might feel like that for a little while; he handled it with dignity and didn't freak out so you have nothing to hold onto besides guilt. I went through the same thing.(sorta... i felt remorse every time she did something nice for me after or when she showed understanding for my feelings instead of discrediting them, but she also still gets upset about it and freaks out from time to time.. see more below)

Perhaps things might have been different if he had focused on getting his life straight, but regardless the truth is if you're anything like myself, there's resentments you've built up that are going to resurface at the next road block.

I've found myself snapping at my ex from various triggers that developed years ago despite her recent efforts over the last few months to be more considerate.

I'm not saying you absolutely should not stay with him, but I reccomend refraining from immediately changing your mind. Try to remain adamant; bipolar disorder has a way of turning what seems like a stable situation into a chaotic one in the blink of an eye. If you're feeling weak, guilty when/if he gets really low and begs for your return or tries to hurt himself you're going to want to give him everything he wants. You need to stay confident in your choice to weather the comming storm or you're ship is going to get wrecked. You'll hate yourself for succumbing to the weakness of guilt.

Also since I've been there before though I also know how hard it is to break away from someone who is emotionally dependent on you
 
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Clitnhawk said:
When someone uses SUICIDE to keep another person in a relationship - its a control thing. Its about him, not you. If he really has the capacity to end his own life, then he will do it sooner or later... and the more you stick around people like that, the more likely they will take you OUT with them.

As a guy, I've thought of that too when I was young (not even close to actually doing it) - looking back... what a stupid thing. Killing yourself over another person is plain stupid.

So tell him something like that as well "you're still young and nothing keeps you from improving your life. If you kill yourself, it won't change anything. I won't go to your funeral and I won't blame myself. Nobody else will blame me either" also say "there is someone else out. I've already moved on. I would not be happy if you actually end your life over someone who no longer loves you. But still wishes the best for you and hopes we can be friends in the future"
Click to expand...

To be objective; I don't think she said that he threatened her with suicide (my ex did to me however) but rather, Meow1243 says that she worries that suicide is a real possibility and wouldn't want that on her conciousness. It's difficult to think about someone you've cared for dying seemingly upon the choice of trying to find happiness. It makes you feel like your happiness comes only with sacrafice
 
Thanks chip, I haven't spoken to him so far and I'm waiting at least a couple days before I talk to him. I told him that we can still be friends and talk to each other. I do miss him and I guess I'm going to give the whole "just friends" thing a shot, despite the many warnings that it won't work out. Right now I'm feeling lonely, I really don't have any friends so I'm going to work on that.
 
I know the feeling.
My ex and I are trying to rain friends as well and I think it could work, but being forced to live together still is straining.

I feel lonely as well, I miss cuddling, I miss affection. ..
I also have very few friends, I don't get out much. The friends I do have I only see at work or live far away.

I'm trying not to be too depressing, I'm not gonna lie though I feel pretty down. :/
 
sounds like you both got isolated from your social support networks in this relationship, that wont make anyone happy
 
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