need advice on how to fix myself

[hshshs5]

Are my thoughts real things pertaining to how things actually
work in my head? Meaning if I think since I've been depressed
so long the way I act has been rewired to give up when things
are hard, but now that I feel the depression recceding, I can
tell myself that I will get better, active and social again?
I know it must sound crazy but I need to know if these crazy
thoughts make any sense. My family all have some sort of
disorder from bi-polar to asbergers. I was always quiet even
when I was a baby, in school there were years I would be the
social kid and the other years I would be the antisocial
weird kid. In 7th to 8th grade I had my life all together I
was happy, social, I started boxing and got really good. Now
I'm in highschool and it seems I back where I started, I'm
that one kid who dosent talk much and I'm an asshole just so
people leave me alone. I'm tired of being in this place and I
want to be me again, how the fuck do I do it?

 

[addictivepersona]

^ Doesn't sound crazy or not make sense. <3 I know how it goes to be depressed for so long that's your normal. I have found talk therapy extremely beneficial--Have you considered/tried it?

(Welcome to BL, btw. :))

 

[Wilso]

I completely get where you are coming from, i was in EXACTLY this situation even the fact that i stated boxing, got good, but then just stopped. I was depressed, my thoughts where always scattered and i was up and down all the time. I'm not fixed now by a log shot, but i'm so much better, and so much happier. I think what it really was, was simply the realisation that i wasn't happy doing what i was doing, so i changed it. I was so scared of this at first, and being depressed seems to make it even scarier, but it was so worth it. If you have been happy in the long term, think of what you have been doing in that time, and try changing it. I know it sounds crazy, but at the end of the day it doesn't matter what anyone thinks, or tells you you should do, if something makes you unhappy then change, and if something makes you happy then carry on doing it, and don't let anyone stop you

 

[AlphaMethylPhenyl]

I think the first thing is to not call yourself names. You already said it: you have potential to be a really great person.

Start small; say hi to people, and ask them how they're doing. Everyone likes attention. If you want to be liked you have to give a little (it only costs a bit of effort).

 

[alasdairm]

homeless -> tds

alasdair

 

[Sepher]

We're very good at talking ourselves down, how we see ourselves is kind of a story we tell ourselves, most of it learned behaviour. We tend to believe in this story no matter how irrational it is when we are down: I'm useless, worthless, nobody loves me or wants me around, I bring other people down, life is not worth living, yadda, yadda, ya. Things like that. I do it myself ALL the time, my depression is not so much a chemical imbalance that's treatable with meds, it's exactly this kind of learned behaviour and self-talk.

It's quite possible to learn new behaviours, 'rewire' ourselves as you put it. CBT ( Cognitive Behavioural Therapy ) is designed to help us do exactly that. It's often more effective than meds for lots of people, if not most, and is a much better long term solution than anti-depressants etc which are only temporarily useful for most of us. Look into it, it might be very useful for you. You can find online CBT courses, MoodGYM is a good one you might find interesting as far as how CBT works, and might work for you goes.

 

[fifleman]

Brother, your thoughts are all ones I have had.

What I have learned is that there is no normal. If you listen to a normal person speak, you could sum up his ten-minute conversation in one sentence. Most people talk unnecessarily with unneeded details and unimportant information that simply distracts from what they are truly trying to say.

Sounds like you may have a quiet mind underneath all those foo-foo thoughts. We are constantly comparing, sizing up, judging, wondering, hoping, wishing, thinking, story-telling, self-appreciating, self-destroying. When I do, I throw myself into a frenzy and am totally unhappy. I lose me in it. When I calm my mind and center myself, I am OK. When I truly listen to the person talking, I feel no need to speak. I can then weed out what is important and what the other person is truly trying to convey with his/her words. I love being silent with a calm mind. It's where magic moments happen. Words mean nothing.

Maybe you are covering up attributes that mean more than anything else: your ability to listen unadulterated by thoughts. Maybe you are covering up your quiet mind with foo-foo that layers our quiet mind until it's so busy with bullshit we start believing something must be wrong. I don't know. But, I would recommend quieting your mind and learning to love yourself. Forget about all distractions outside of yourself. Act in love and compassion to yourself and it will seep out into others.

You're not an asshole. You are you. High school can be a rough time figuring out "where you belong". Unfortunately, this seems to be the theme, but it's far from the truth. Be you. Walk your own path. Sounds like boxing will be part of that path. Learn to control your thoughts, feelings, and actions, and you will own the world from within.

Last thing I want to say is that nobody knows better than you, so don't think they do. Also, nobody knows you better than you do, so don't think they do. This has been my experience.

Keep jabbin' buddy.

 

[herbavore]

I'm not fixed now by a log shot, but i'm so much better, and so much happier. I think what it really was, was simply the realisation that i wasn't happy doing what i was doing, so i changed it. I was so scared of this at first, and being depressed seems to make it even scarier, but it was so worth it. I know it sounds crazy, but at the end of the day it doesn't matter what anyone thinks, or tells you you should do, if something makes you unhappy then change, and if something makes you happy then carry on doing it, and don't let anyone stop you

This is such healthy thinking. It is deceptively simple and yet it can be so hard to get to. We humans over-complicate so many things. OP, you do not need fixing. You are not broken, just exploring, becoming more self aware and developing your sense of self. We don't come factory-made with any of that. We all flounder along building ourselves from the inside out. Being alone carries so much stigma when you are young. It's too bad because it can be a very healthy thing sometimes. If you are lonely and you are isolating yourself out of fear of being judged then that is another problem altogether and that is where you should look for change.