Need advice on CBT [Long, Boring, Depressing story]

[vekkersc]

I'll try to make this post as short as I can.

I have been though three psychologists so far, and each one failed miserably in providing any help. I don't blame them though. Maybe it's just the nature of my problems. I have two major psychological issues:
-Insomnia - My very first memory is of being awake at night when I was about 4 years old, unable to sleep. Woke up exhausted, and crying every single day as a young child.
-Severely underdeveloped social and emotional skills.

I tend to think my brain's right hemisphere is completely dead. I have zero creativity, imagination, spontaneousness, am absolutely incapable of expressing humor, interest in social interactions, among other things.

Back story:

All things were going relatively well until I was 12 years old, until my family decided to move to a non-English speaking country. From that point on, for about 6 years, my focus changed from normal, 12-year old interests/activities to a world of hell, where my primary concern was learning the language, trying to understand and get along with others, dealing with harassment/bullying/intimidation by other kids for being "different", on top of trying to keep up with school work, which was all in a different language.

By the time I was around 17 to 18 years old, I was finally able to regain some social acceptance and self-confidence, but by then I felt it was already too late. Other kids my age were well "ahead" of me socially. I had never been even inches close to a member of the opposite sex. I was emotionally and socially retarded in a lot of ways and I felt helpless. At that point I decided to just give up. I felt it wasn't worth going through another round of being humiliated by others for being so socially inept/handicapped, so I decided to just cope with it through defense mechanisms - suppressing certain feelings and avoiding exposing situations.

It's been about 10 years now, and despite having had a few friends since then, the simple act of socializing with them has a hugely depressing effect on me. I've always come home feeling like utter shit, depressed, and each time reminded of how hopeless and far behind I am compared to others. This may sound overly dramatic, narcissistic, and exaggerated, but when you've missed the most important socially developmental period of your life, it really takes its toll on you. I'm tired of hearing the advice of just throwing yourself out there, "practicing", facing your fears, and learning from them, but to me that is a total hunk of crap. It's easy to say that when you have no clue what it's like trying to regain 10 years of lost social development, wisdom and maturity.

I find it nearly impossible to obtain such practice from "normal" social settings. It's akin to putting a 6 year old child in a college astrophysics class and telling him to start learning, or waste his life in a pit of agony. The kid would be severely lost, disappointed, and depressed. As we all know, the child would first need to go through a long-winded learning process of basic maths and science principles before he can be put in such situation. Similarly, I would need to go through all the experiences I've missed before reaching a state where I can absorb practical content and learn from such "normal" social settings.

This brings me to the point of this thread. I am considering seeing a psychologist for the fourth time now, seeking Cognitive Behavioural Therapy. However, it seems to me that spending a mere 50 minutes with another individual solely "talking" about such issues does not constitute practice. Even if it did, it would take decades to regain all years worth of missed social and emotional development. I am very skeptical as to what this psychologist can do in order to achieve such seemingly impossible feat. The other three psychologists I've been to sure as hell didn't.

On a more depressing note, I do not love or enjoy life in any way shape or form. This makes it difficult to settle with the prospect of finally repairing all this delayed psychological development someday, if at all possible. Doing so won't make it so I can instantly have enjoyed the past 15 years of my life, will it? What's the use? Start living life now that I'm almost 30 years old, and forever live with the regret, the thought, of never knowing what it would have been like to have lived as a "normal" human being during that time? A future full of dreadful "what ifs"? Knowing full well that this thought will be in my head when I'm on my deathbed? What a concept.

I'm not expecting anyone to reply to this thread, but if you do feel like it, it would be great to hear your experiences with CBT.

 

[herbavore]

People grow up in lots of different ways. I don't think there is one that could really be called the norm. I moved around the U.S. and then the world when I was growing up and was also painfully shy. Although it was difficult for me on one level I feel like a got to be a very good observer. So while I may have suffered from the experience on one level, I certainly benefited on another. I missed out on a lot of normal American experiences but I had experiences in other cultures that I treasure.

Starting therapy with a new psychologist that uses CBT instead of simple talk therapy may be just what you need to reverse some of the negative thinking and self-talk that you have grown accustomed to. Lots of people are lonely and feel isolated--both introverts and extroverts. It is entirely possible for you to find a comfort level that suits you concerning your social life. Rather than wasting your energy on asking "what if" about the past why not ask yourself what you want your future to look like and then taking small determined steps to create it. I know that it seems next to impossible when you are depressed to imagine a life you enjoy, so dealing with the depression is key.

Good luck.

Hopefully some people that have actually experienced CBT will respond to this thread as maybe they could give you a better idea of what to expect.

 

[effie]

I want to write you a long reply as I have a lot of experience in CBT but got a train to catch shortly so for now will just say I am a big advocte, and most of the progress happens with your "homework" and what you do inbetween the sessions. It is hard work and can take a while to kick in, but when it does you have tools for life and it really can work wonders.

More later I promise!

 

[morpher001]

Perhaps your difficult circumstances have yielded more experience and maturity than you know. You may feel that you are behind in some aspects of your life, consider that in other aspects you may be far ahead.

Its great that you are taking the time to help yourself move forward, keep to it, stay positive. Climb the mountain, but remember to enjoy the views on the way up!

 

[Dave]

vekkersc: I too am a bit socially 'developmentally disabled', as it were. In my case it was severe depression, social anxiety and a horrible self-image that kept me out of the social world. I'm now in my early 30s, and feel like I'm learning social skills that I should have learned when I was in my late teens. I've never had a non-platonic relationship as an adult, and have absolutely no clue how to cultivate one.

This is going to sound glib, but in my experience the thing to do is just practice. Set up situations where you're able to practice socially in a manner that has the least amount of anxiety. For me, I learned a lot while working in service. Granted, at the time I mostly just built up a masking persona, but after finally being able to remove that I've been able to dismantle it a bit and make use of the positive aspects thereof. Social skills are no different than any other skill, from maths to carpentry to juggling. You just need to practice them. Now, people like us have a bit of a delay, sure, but you'd be amazed at how little many people care about that. Play up your strengths: from your post I can tell that you're intelligent and articulate and very self-aware. Again, what I can offer is what works for me: get really good at something, and find ways to connect to people through that. I love to cook, I can teach yoga, and I play the flute. I still have a tough time sustaining conversations unless those with whom I'm speaking are very skilled, but I can throw a hell of a dinner/cocktail party. I can still teach one hell of a yoga class, and chat with folks afterwards. And you would be amazed at how many conversations I've had with random people, mostly ladies, about the flute!

In the end, the biggest thing to remember (and I apologize if I'm sounding redundant-- I've been saying this a lot lately) is that you are neither your thoughts, your emotions or your memories. These are all connected to you, and arise from you, but are not you. You are the conscious entity that can take a step back and observe these things, and can learn to control them. That's where CBT comes in. It takes a tonne of work, but you can learn how to shape your 'thought habits' as it were to be helpful rather than hurtful. Once you get that little nagging anxious or depressed voice in the back of your head to shut the hell up for a bit, you'd be amazed at how much progress you can make in the rest of your life. When I received treatment, it was strictly for depression and anxiety; the social skills work was done on my own. And continues to be: I just threw a Festivus dinner party last night where I learned a couple of unexpected lessons.

As with everything, it is your outlook that shapes your perception of the world, not the other way around.

 

[maxalfie]

@Vekkersc you say that you are nearly 30 years old now so you have still got a lot of years to live yet.
If you feel the first 30 years have been a waste then surely giving CBT or any type of therapy a go is well worth it. You won't want to feel that the next 30 years of your life have been a waste also.
I wish you well mate and I sincerely hope you do find a way to improve how you feel and that the next 30 years are a lot more fulfilling for you.

 

[sazed]

Insomnia is a chronic problem for me since age 5 usually repetitive thoughts (rumination) or digression--it's not anxiety, although that can make it worse, but just that my mind wanders from one thought to another, sometimes gets stuck in a sort of loop, not necessarily something I'm upset about even, it's just like my brain won't f**king shut up. I do better overall when I'm on some sort of antidepressant. I've been finding that Deplin is helpful, that's methylated folic acid (methylfolate). I may have delayed sleep phase syndrome and / or central apnea. I relate to things better than I do to people to be honest. I can definitely relate on the being bullied and not fitting in and being socially and emotionally immature I'd say I was right about where you are at age 30. I'd say that now I have all the maturity of a 12-year-old. One good thing I can say about it is that I'm still curious about stuff.

So tell me, are there any particular subjects of study in which you have a lot of expertise and which preoccupies your thoughts? Shamanism is one of mine that reoccurs periodically and ethnobotany in that context. It's like I get interested in a topic and it becomes an obsession to the exclusion of other things. Maybe that doesn't fit at all just wondering.