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Need advice about my boyfriend

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n3ophy7e

Bluelight Crew
Joined
Apr 30, 2006
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So I recently got back together with a guy I used to date. We were together for 3 years, about 11 years ago. Back then I broke up with him because he wanted to get married and I was only 19 so I freaked out and left him. However we remained friends, and as I only recently found out, he told my family that he wouldn't give up and that he would eventually get me back.

In the last 3 years we have been getting closer and closer as friends, and we've both been through some seriously shitty relationships with other people and have supported each other as friends whenever we had relationship woes with our respective partners. I think deep down we always knew we wanted to get back together but the timing had to be right. It turns out that all our mutual friends and family members totally knew we would always end up together again! :D

So in July this year I finally felt the time was right and I made my move on him. It worked out perfectly and we were officially back together. The first month was absolute heaven, I was SO happy. The happiest I've been in so many years. We were BOTH happy.

But I am an alcoholic. I was desperately hoping to be sober before we got back together so that I didn't have to worry him with it. I really never ever wanted it to put a strain on our relationship. But it really has. I realise now that part of me was subconsciously trying to sabotage the relationship because it was going so well and I wasn't sure if I deserved to be with such an amazingly beautiful person. So, when I realised I was doing that, I stopped. I stopped drinking, I stopped abusing codeine, and I really applied myself to getting healthy and well, and treating him with the love and care that he deserves.

Last week was really lovely, we were getting along so well, I was sober and we were really happy together.

On Friday night he came to stay at my place, but he got a call that his mum was in hospital with pneumonia. So on Saturday morning he left my place to spend the day with her and look after her. On Saturday night me and my whole family were having dinner together to honour my younger brother who was having a brain tumour removed this Tuesday, and we all really wanted my boyfriend to be there too, it was important to not only me but my brother too.

My boyfriend called at the last minute to say he wasn't coming to our dinner anymore because he's got too much on his plate and he just wants some time to himself. I was really disappointed and reacted emotionally. We got off the phone abruptly but I immediately sent him a text saying how hurt I was that he wasn't going to be here to support me when I really needed him. I then didn't hear from him ALL weekend, despite me calling and texting him often. He blatantly ignored me for two days. By Sunday night I was getting really angry that he was ignoring me in my time of need (I really needed his support to get through my brother's surgery). So I sent him another text saying that I won't stand for this passive-aggressive ignoring bullshit. In hindsight yes it was a very inflammatory thing to say but I was upset.

On Monday morning I finally got an email (not a phone call, and EMAIL) to say why he was upset with me, and all the things I'd done and said that made him angry. He accused me of being selfish by me wanting him to come to the dinner on Saturday night, and for not understanding that he wanted to be close to his mum in case her condition got worse. But he never TOLD ME THAT. If the situation were reversed, I would've gone to visit my mum in hospital all day Saturday, then come to the dinner on Saturday night, and gone back to see my mum on Sunday. At the end of the email he said he wants to take a break from us to have some time and space to work out what he wants.

I was completely and utterly devastated. Totally shattered. My world was ending, I felt like I was dying. The love of my life was completely abandoning me in my biggest time of need. I just wanted to die.

Anyway, on Monday night we had a MASSIVE argument on the phone. It was huge. My brother's surgery was the next day and I was so emotional about that, I lost complete control of myself in the argument. That only inflamed my boyfriend further. His support and concern for my brother and our family was completely absent, which really really hurt me. To be accused of being selfish was really insulting as well. He told me he would call me at lunchtime on Tuesday to see how my brother's surgery was going, but he never called. I got ridiculously drunk on Tuesday night and we apparently spoke on the phone for a few hours but I don't remember that.

On Wednesday my boyfriend texted me to say he wants to come and see my therapist with me, so we can discuss what has happened between us and work out how to patch things up. So that is very positive and it shows he still cares and that this is not the end for us. But I am still SO incredibly hurt by what he did. This week has been absolute hell for me and my family, and I really trusted that he would never abandon me like this. I even called his mum at the hospital to see how she was doing with her pneumonia, and I've called her several times since she's been home to see how she's doing. I'm showing concern. He hasn't even asked me how my brother's surgery went.

I texted him on Wednesday night to tell him what time I booked the therapy session, and I haven't heard from him since. It's now Saturday afternoon. With each minute that passes I am getting more and more hurt, and more and more furious at him that he could do this to me. He knows how anxious I get when I don't hear from people. He knows how hard a time I am having with my brother's surgery. He has shown zero concern or compassion and I am terrified that he is going to do this to me again sometime in the future. But this is so incredibly out of character for him, everyone I've told cannot believe that he would do this. He is usually completely self-sacrificing and generous and supportive. It is just so unlike him to do this. I thought I was safe with him and I thought I could trust him to not do something like this to me.

I spoke to his best mate last night, because I was completely beside myself and I just needed to hear that my boyfriend is okay. It turns out he's gone to a psytrance festival this weekend, so he's not even taking care of his mum!!!! Was the mum thing all a ruse for not wanting to help me this week??

I am so desperately trying to make sense of why he has done this. I totally understand he is also under a lot of stress at the moment with his mum having pneumonia. I admit that I have been too needy and clingy in the last 3 months, because I've been trying to remain sober and have needed a lot of emotional support for that. So that could all be pushing him away. But honestly I cannot accept that there would be any kind of excuse for ignoring me like this, at a time like this. I thought we were a team, and I thought that we would always support each other in hard times. I am having a really hard time forgiving him for hurting me so much because I would NEVER ever do this to him. I love him so so much but he's hurt me so badly that I'm not even sure I can move forward from this. I cannot live without him though, I don't want anyone else.

Has anyone been through something similar? Any advice?
 
"I reacted emotionally"
You sure did :/

it looks to me like you behaved selfishly while he was with his mom, and lashed out when that neediness was not fulfilled.

How he treated you thereafter was him emotionally preparing for detachment through resentment.

Awareness is the first step to any type of improvement. It seems to me that you are insecure and need reassurance, and become very upset when that is not given. I'm sorry if this upsets you.

I'm also very sorry that you have lost the person that makes you happy. I don't want to put you down. I wish that I had someone that needed me that much. :/
 
Don't make any decisions now, n3o. Give yourself and your fella some space and see how you feel about everything in a couple of weeks.
 
Thanks for the replies.

Animal Mother, I went to an AA meeting this morning and the topic of conversation was "selfishness and self-centredness". How coincidental. I was actually really glad that was what we were talking about today because I'm now able to recognise just how selfish I've been. I am only hoping that my boyfriend gives me a chance to explain this and gives us a second chance. I am terrified that he's going to decide that he doesn't want this with us. I've been having panic attacks every day. We've both wanted each other back for so long, we both really want this to be forever. I think that is also placing a lot of pressure on us for this to work out. So when something goes wrong at all, shit hits the fan.

I certainly have been VERY needy, I spoke with my therapist about that on Thursday. I think what has happened is that I've been leaning wayyyyy too hard on my boyfriend for support for the last 2 months, and I think I've pretty much sapped everything out of him. So that when HE needed to help HIM, maybe he didn't have anything left to give. Then I didn't give him the support he needed, so he completely shut down. Does that make any sense??

If my brother wasn't sick and/or if his mum wasn't sick, none of this would've happened, and I know that. It's circumstantial and not necessarily a representation of how we will deal with conflict in the future. I just want him back :(
 
It seems like you know that you were being selfish and emotional. You reacted badly. He did too. In the first place, he should have explained that he needed to be with his mother and I'm sure that's something you and your family would have understood. It seems like you both have a LOT going on - both with your brother and with his mother. That's a lot. You expect your partner to be with you in your time of need but then he also expects you to be with him in his time of need. It's tough and it causes emotions to go all crazy.
Him going to a psytrance festival without telling you and when he's ignoring you is ridiculous though. But I'm sure you can get over that. He probably just needed some time away. No, he's not looking after his mom, but he probably just needed a break from the craziness of everything. I would think he should have told you but everyone is different.

Try and relax, you know everything has been very emotional lately. See if you can just spend some time with yourself. And see if you can go to therapy with him once he's back, it'd be nice to talk your feelings out together and I bet that'll really help. There could be something you're completely missing (maybe you did something when you were drunk ... who knows!) but that should clear things up.

For the time being, before he contacts you again, just try and relax and don't get too stressed out! <3
 
Part of the anxiety is tied to withdrawal, as well as deciding to discontinue self-medicating in my opinion.

I feel for you, and know how hard it can be to separate one's self from one's habits and behaviors, especially the self-defeating ones.

You are stronger than you realize. I know that about you. Never forget that.

<3
 
Thank you both so much for your insight <3 As I said, my family have been, and continue to be amazingly supportive. If it weren't for that I wouldn't have made it through the last 7 days.
 
If I were you I would worry your self sick. You sound like you are not only lovers, but bestfriends as well and that is a great basis for a lasting relationship. These things happen and will always continue to happen. Its how you both respond after this disagreementthat matters. Each time something like this happens and you guys can get past it will make you relationship stronger. As a male myself, I can understand why he reacted like that. He was being selfish, but one peice of advice is that when a man tells you his mom is sick, then the best thing you can do is let him take all the time he needs with it. A mans mother is the most important person in his life. Do not ne offended by this. A man with a sick mother is a fragile man. My mother is battling terminal cancer right now and something like that can make him emotionally fragile. I promise by the sound of your relationship that y'all will get past it and be stronger necause of it. Don't worry and please DO NOT DRINK! That is the worst possible thing that you can do. And maybe your best bet is to focus on getting yourself sober for good. That will help yourself and your relationship for the long term. You have nothing to worry about I promise, y'all will be fine. Its sounds l8ke to me that you have a very strong relationship. My opinion is to give him time to cool down and it will passs. Pray about it and know that this relationship is meant to be! You just need some encouragement and don't cry and get so upset that you drink, that is the WORST thing you could do right now! This may not help but I figure mayne something I said will give you some confidence and insurance that it will be ok! You are and lucky women and he is a very lucky man!
 
Thanks so much for taking the time to reply to me dude. A lot of what you said makes total sense and it's really reassuring to hear it from the guy's perspective. You have helped a lot. Thanks again <3

We're seeing my therapist together tonight so hopefully that will help both of us understand a bit more about what happened, and how to manage conflicts more effectively in the future.
 
Yesterday my boyfriend agreed to see me in his lunch break, which was the first time we'd spoken/seen each other since Tuesday last week. We reconciled really well, and he asked me to come and stay at his place last night too. So that is all really positive.

So.....I should be feeling better about everything...right?? But there is one thing that is REALLY bothering me today:

When he was at the festival over the weekend, all our mutual friends were there and were asking him about me and if I was doing okay (word had got around that I was struggling with some personal issues). My boyfriend told me that he told them ALL about the extent of my drinking problem, and about "us" (I have no idea what he told them, whether he put my behaviour in to context or told them anything shitty that HE'D done to ME, or whether it was all just about the shitty things I'D done and said), and he also told them all about my brother's tumour and surgery.

After he told me that he'd told everyone all of that, he asked me "How does that make you feel?" (his tone of voice wasn't spiteful or inflammatory at all but.....why did he ask me that??). At the time I said I didn't mind, but I only said that because I wanted to avoid any further confrontation with him.

But now, I am really really hurting that he told our mutual friends all those personal details about me. Mainly about my drinking, that is NOT for him to discuss with people publicly. Also he was really out of line telling people about my brother, because I know my brother is a really private person and wants as few people to know about it as possible. I'm feeling really anxious today that my friends have only heard HIS side of the story about our conflict, and I fear they are judging me and thinking I'm a bad person. I feel that it is really unfair that he talked about that stuff without me there. If it was with one or two close mates, it'd be fine. But he told EVERYONE in that circle of friends (like...20-25 people). Now I have no idea who THEY are all going to tell either.

Am I justified in feeling upset about this?? I emailed my boyfriend to tell him I'm feeling insecure about people knowing this stuff and I asked him to please tell me exactly what he told them all, just to put my mind at ease. But I haven't heard back from him.

Should I raise this at our therapy session tonight? Or should I just leave it?
 
I would be damn pissed if someone said a bunch of stuff about me to mutual friends and then asked me how that made me feel. My gf did something similar to me over the summer to mutual friends who I introduced her to and truthfully I'm still trying to get over it. She didn't ask me how that made me feel though because I told her exactly how that made me feel and what I think about that type of bullshit behavior. But when I really look at why she did that and her true intentions I can see where she was coming from, kinda.

Also after that incident, she also asked me to go to counselor with her. I really couldn't believe what I was hearing. You want me to go to a counselor with you to talk about stuff I don't even want to talk about? Lol, I don't think so.

I do understand she is different type of person than me and always likes to talk EVERYTHING to death.
 
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You're justified in the sense that you have emotions and it may not be the best approach for a boyfriend to go out and reveal a whole bunch of personal stuff about you. Perhaps he was asking how it made you feel to make sure he hadn't messed up by doing that? Coz if I did that, like told a whole bunch of mutual friends personal details about someone without them knowing, I would want to know that I hadn't made them feel "naked" or upset by doing so...was he on drugs or drunk when he did this?

Does discussing these things on a forum differ in any way to doing it in a person to person way?
 
Yeah n3o, regarding that last thing I think you're definitely completely justified in being pissed off. My boyfriend told a few friends of his about my heroin problem while pissed one night and I can't say I was particularly happy about that - and that was only 3-4 people. Have you asked him why specifically he told them? I find it a little strange he asked you afterwards how it made you feel, almost as if he had some kind of underlying intention? I'm not really sure, but I'd definitely ask him about it.
Anyway I'm really sorry to hear you're struggling so much hun :( I hope things work out between the two of you, let us know how it goes in the next few days. Stay strong, thinking of you <3
 
Thanks guys <3

I brought it up with him in the car on the way to the therapist session. BOY did it cause a massive flare-up!! We have some serious communication problems. I guess a lot of couples do.

He refused to apologise because he justified it by saying that he needed to vent to our friends about what he'd been going through. Even when I explicitly explained how and why it hurt me that he'd told such intimate details about my private life, he still refused to apologise. He was actually being a fucking jerk about it if I must say. He refused to even tell me exactly who he had told, what he'd said, anything.

Anyway, we raised it in our counselling session and our therapist validated both our points of view, whilst giving us strategies that can help us avoid such conflicts in the future. We had a really positive session, going from completely giving up on each other beforehand, to afterwards feeling much more confident about our future together.

Oh and in the car on the way home, I said to him something to the effect of "Needing an apology is a selfish thing, that only benefits me. So, I don't need you to apologise, okay?" and he said "Okay. I'm sorry"

8)

SEE?! Was that SO HARD?! Fucking men, jesus christ :D
 
n3ophy7e said:
We have some serious communication problems. I guess a lot of couples do.
Click to expand...

Not all couples have communication problems. IDK, my bf and I don't really have many (if any).

BUT I'm really glad you went to that session and your therapist helped you out. That's awesome :)
 
OP, you may not like what I have to say, but...

If you've known each other for so long and never "found the right time" to be together - maybe you're not meant to be. Maybe you work as best friends. Maybe the sheer weight of expectations you've both placed on this relationship working has slightly blinded you to the fact that perhaps there has never been the spark or compatibility to be a couple. I'm probably wrong, but just wanted to put it out there. Your situation sounds tricky and if you stay together there's a lot of work to be done in which case he needs to commit fully and stop being such a dick; I must say that so far he sounds far more selfish than you x
 
I hear ya lola, thanks for your input <3

At this stage I would have to disagree that we're not meant to be together. We DO work well together, this has just been a tremendously stressful time for us both. All our friends and families say we're perfect for each other as well. But yeah I can see how you'd put that idea forth.

He has been selfish, but humans are all selfish by nature so I can't reeeeally fault him on that, and he's lived on his own and been completely self-reliant for all his physical, financial, and emotional needs for about 10 years. I've been in serious relationships with other people that whole time so I've learnt a lot about how to communicate (reasonably) effectively with a partner, and to compromise, whereas I guess he is only just really learning that now. It'll take some time. But we're both sure we want to work hard at what we have, because we have something special that is going to be so strong and so worth it if we put in the effort.

llama that is awesome you and your bf don't have any communication issues. Yeah I realise not all couples do, but a lot do. It's probably the number 1 reason couples seek counselling :D
 
Personally, it sounds like he cares more for you than you for him. You broke up with him the first time. He apparently didn't give up on you despite your drinking problem. However I wonder if you might be expecting too much out of him. Most guys have limits. Don't pull him past his breaking point.
 
You're absolutely right about the expectations part. I was relying on him WAY too heavily for support and had this idyllic picture in my mind of him being this unfaltering hero of a man. But like you said, most guys have limits, and I realise now that I definitely pushed him to his. We spoke with our therapist last night about ways that he can show/tell me that I'm pushing him too much, and ways that I can be more aware of my neediness so that it doesn't even come to that point where he has to tell me to back off a little bit.

However, I definitely care for him just as much as he cares for me. We share a really strong bond, which is proven in times like this where we both could've easily given up and left, but we stayed and worked together to keep what we have <3
 
I don't want to make you feel worse about the situation, but I really feel that him telling a group of 20+ people about your alcoholism, your relationship problems, and your brother's medical issues was WAY out of line. It has caused you to feel insecure in relation to your friendship group, and the fact that he will not tell you what he said, and who he said it to is concerning and IMO, very, very disrespectful. It's almost though he was intentionally trying to hurt you by withholding details that you have every right to know.

I'm not sure how your therapist validated his point of view on this? I understand that when things get tough, we need to confide in people. If he were to confide in one or two close friends, then that would be fine. Instead, he broadcasted some very private and personal information to a large group of mutual friends. This is flat out wrong IMO, and when he realised that it hurt you and made you feel anxious, he further inflamed those feelings by refusing to tell you who he told, and what he told them. The fact that you are concerned that you were painted in an unfair light is also a worry :(

I strongly believe that you should treat everything that is shared within a relationship as highly confidential - the bond you have as a couple is strong, and the level that you reveal yourselves is a thing to be respected and nurtured IMO. Trust and security is a fundamental aspect of a healthy relationship. He has betrayed that.

I'm sorry to backtrack and bring up something that you feel is resolved - you're going through a tough time, and I wouldn't want to make you feel worse at all. I just think that if you are unable to convey your very reasonable need for confidentiality and privacy, then there will be further issues down the line. If you feel as though he could go and broadcast your personal shit every time you have a fight, the insecurity and anxiety will obviously do you no good. I really hope that you can resolve this, and that he can come to understand that what he did was unacceptable and hurtful, and that he should not repeat it. You deserve at least that much.

Good luck <3
 
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