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My wife has had a short lived affair with someone I know

HMHB

HMHB

Bluelighter
Joined
May 14, 2010
Messages
183
As above, had a gut feeling as she was acting out of character. Initially put it down to her pal being newly divorced, so she was wanting to go out more often with her. A few clues heightened my suspicions, finally unlocked her phone and confronted her. Eventually she told me the whole story, had nothing to do with me, i'd done nothing wrong, was the perfect hubby etc.. She says it was the excitement and the attention, she felt like she was in a different world from her day to day life as a mum (we have 2 young children), she also has never been with another man apart from me, while I had many partners before we met, so it was intriguing to her. I love her to bits, been together 20 years, married for 8. She has sworn it was stupid and loves me so much, it was a mistake and if she could turn back the clock she would. She says she loves me and is so sorry, which I (maybe naievely) believe.
She has told me every detail about it I've asked for, so should I go to the guy, one on one, and check she's telling me the truth, or let the anger vent and explode, or try to forget about him ?
Cheers folks.
 
I'm sorry you're having to go through this, it really sucks :(
I think you should do whatever would help you move on best. Honestly if the guy knew she was married, AND knows you, I think you've got every right to go see him and give him a piece of your mind (but well you know, don't get violent). I know when my ex cheated on me with my 'friend' I sent her a very long message basically telling her in every possible manner how much of a heartless bitch she was, and quite frankly it helped a lot!
I wouldn't try to 'check the truth' though. Expressing your anger (reasonable, once again) is one thing but you should also start trying to move on from it, and asking him about it as well will only make the whole thing bigger and longer to deal with.
 
Is this guy a friend of yours or just an acquaintance? I would cut all contact with him. Confronting him might help your feelings but it probably won't help in the long run and you don't want it to escalate to violence. He's obviously not a good friend so I would shut him out of your life - and her life too!
 
Thanks for the replie, much appreciated.
Only reason to question him about it, is to affirm she's being truthful with me. If I don't know she's being 100% honest with me, then we cannot move forward. I would also like to know who he's told about it, or shown photos to, so I know where I stand in the community. I know it's a silly macho thing, but if people know about it, i'm humiliated. If they know I know, then I'm (rightly or wrongly) expected to do something about it. If he's not bragged about it (unlikely) then a face to face without violence could work.
 
I wouldn't confront him. That's how shit escalates and people do dumb stuff.

You have to decide if you're going to forgive or leave, and if you choose to forgive, I think it's best to never see the guy and work on you and her. I totally get your feelings though. Been there done that and wanted to kill both of them!
 
It's an acquaintance to me, but a friend of her friend. I want to tell the details to someone so i can unload the horror of it, can't tell my folks, they are too old and love her like a daughter, can't tell my mates (don't have a 'best' mate). Been to the doc, got sleepers and anti depressants.
Cheers.
To add - we live nearby, go to same places, so will definitely see him at some point.
 
Dont go on anti depressants or benzos thats my first advice. Get off that road dont even look down it I know it can be rough to deal without it but you got a high chance of ending up dependant on the benzos to ease the pain and that will set you off even worse long term. My bet is to see a physciatrist.

Its up to you to decide dude whether you want to forgive and forget and leave it... Having two children does make it a lot harder to leave. Personally, I think forgivving and forgetting is best and maybe marriage councelling wouldnt hurt?
 
thing is i've slept with a lot of people so i can see how with limited experience the grass seemed greener.

anyway forgive but dont forget. nobody is perfect.

also avoid this guy.

ever watched cheaters? the confrontation takes away everyones dignity and solves nothing
 
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If you are serious about making this work, I'd suggest marriage counselling.

Also, if you're at the point where sleepers and antidepressants have been prescribed, I would seek individual counselling also to hopefully get on top of things.

Things can work out between yourself and your wife, but it will take some work. This is a big blow, and both personal recovery and the recovery of your relationship is a process that takes time. Professional help would be beneficial IMO.

Good luck.
 
I would forgive her this time but no more going out alone with her divorced so called friend. I would speak to the man involved tell him straight up that you are fully aware and she is forgiven but if he does not back off you will kill him, no need for any violence words will do it.Stay calm, hard to do but possible.

She must understand that this is her only free strike, any more mistakes and it will be over. Blx to what anybody else in your community thinks this is between you and her.
 
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Thanks for your replies folks, you've all been very helpful. Got the Doc on Monday so will see if I can get counselling. Need to tell someone the awful details that I've not gone into on here, eg first time they were 'intimate' was on my birthday night out.
Love to you all.
 
If you know this guy, definitely confront him. That's bullshit.

If she lied to you before, she'll do it again.

You don't need a Dr or counseling.. there's nothing with you. She is the cheating whore.

I feel bad for ya. Best of luck.
 
Send the guy a message saying the equivalent of "I know it was you! You broke my heart!" This will have one of three effects:
1.) "She's lying!" (Take your wife's words over his, and cut him off.)
2.) "What are you going to do about it?" (Cut him off, period.)
3.) "What?" / The silent treatment. (Cut him off.)

Any way you slice it, avoid all future contact with him. Continuing to interact with someone you know cheated with your wife as if nothing happened will only give you a complex, and that's if you're lucky.
 
Hmm some thoughts come to mind, you have to be as cunning as a fox, your game is probably a little off after 20 years of marriage.

Find out some dirt on him, you need scare him off or intimidate somehow, without resorting to violence preferably. Just have a nice little face to face "chat" and let him know whats up. This guy is a wolf in sheeps clothing, hes a new friend and he doesn't care about your marrige or hers, it's a sexual persuit for him.

Let him know you wont tolerate it and you will fuck his life in more ways than one if he even attempts to be befriend your wife again. But dont let your wife know this "chat" has happened. Even if she wishes to continue to be "friends" with him be disgruntly cool about it, showing this maturity and trust will make her not want to spend time with him. Chances are she will realise hes just suducing her out of lust.

THEN... You could turn this into something to work in your favour and re-spark your marrige. A well thought out BDSM punishment would work a charm, if would help restore morale and boost your ego and give you a chance to "teach her a lesson" Heres some ideas for you :)

This stuff might not be your style, but dont you want to come out on top man? Do you want to allow her to continue to be "Just friends" with him and see him alone. Or do you want your wife cutting this guy off completely and adoring you sexually again?
 
she hooked up with this dude on your birthday night out?

fuck that...

i used to tell my ex gf if you ever fuck around ill kill him and wound you lol....j/k...but not really.
 
She's def cut all ties with him, and he knows that I know she's been fucking about. But he doesn't know I know it's him. He's not tried to contact her and won't, as I have a bit of a reputation in the city.Had a long chat with her tonight about it all and we're both wanting to give it a go.
Many, many thanks to you all for your precious time spent replying, and thanks for that link Dizmal, right up our street, cheers. Doc on Monday, then I'll report back.
Much love !
 
Cheers pontifex01, brilliant post that has cheered me up ! <3
 
I hope things work for the best for you! =D

I;m kind of in the same situation, except I'm the girl that had a short lived friends with benefits while I still had a boyfriend. My bf found out a few weeks ago and wanted to kill the guy, he wants to go and talk to him with me there and see if I'm lying anymore then I did. He was our dealer/friend. We're still together, and I feel bad but I have a hard time showing the feeling "guilt", so he doesn't believe me. It's just the thrill I guess.

I think you should go to counciling and lay off the meds, the anti depressants do nothing for your inner pain and they make you feel like a zombie.

Just keep an open and honest marriage with your wife, and I hope everything works out.
 
My girlfriend suddenly broke up with me after 5 years about a month ago, and now I'm starting to wonder if she was cheating the last few months....

Now, she's out every night with her friends, leaves for days at a time.....As bad as it hurts that it's ending this way, having somebody just all of the sudden start treating me with that little consideration has made me go kind of cold to her, and that's only 5 years with no kids, I can't imagine your situation....

A month ago, I found texts on her phone of somebody bad mouthing me that never even met me! It was clearly an attempt to have sex with her and I was ready to respond with violence, but what's the point?! I don't want to be with a girl that needs me to beat people up to prove my love to her or to make her feel wanted! That's bullshit, I feel!

Although, in your situation, you may have to show that you still have some balls in this relationship, if you're gonna stay in it....

I'd go out and have an affair with a girl younger than her, if you could stomach that, I think that might be the reality check she needs, or at least start being vague and going out for an hour here and there just to keep her guessing, because if she got away with it once and you just forgave her, she might just turn around and do it again! Take the power right back! Fuck her!
 
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