1) History
2) The fight starts
3) Future
1) I am in my early twenties and in the following excerpt I am going to tell you my story. On a note I always have been somebody searching on my own and trying to explain the world in my own words through looking and exploring. School has not been interesting for me as long as I can think of with its forcing ideas. I never understood bullies and the hate on the social level including racismn.
The moment my life changed to worse was then I was around 14 years of age. It was a cold day with a glaring sun on the skyline. We were skiing and after making a short stop I was hit by a school mate and landed right on my neck. Later on I felt a sudden dizzyness and wasn't able to see clearly leading to my deaprture and my way back to the hotel. Arriving and going to bed I fell in a trauma (coma?). I was caged inside my body, not able to move or communicate with my soroundings. Things got worse than some of my mates entered my room making fun of me while "sleeping". It wasn't fun for me screaming and spitting out my soul in an empty room full of voices. Time passed and people noticed that something wasn't right. In the end I was carried to a shabby hospital. After waking up I fell asleep quickly afterwards. The first days I had to spent in a wheel chair and my brain was just much. I wasn't able to write nor doing the easiest tasks such as cutting a piece of bread. Months passed and I finally was able to do all the things I did before. But I changed forever. My friends and I had been starting to drink alcohol a few months short of this incident and for my luck's sake I was able to stay sober after this quick stint.
The real fun started now. I was questioning the world and any sense it had made to me. I started to lose my emotions, got suicidal on a daily routine. I fell in deep depression and was crying a lot. I never thought I was going to miss this feeling as much. Losing touch with my emotions I lost touch with everything I loved and respected. People's talking just didn't make sense and I realized how our daily routines are linked to our emotions and how they restrict us from being totally free in or judgement. This made things worse, because I always wanted to be as free as possible in my judgement creating a world of peace and no racismn.
I went to a psychologist at the age of 15. I didn't work out, because he answered the following question with yes and I departured: "Isn't it so that I am the only person, who can change his life for the better on his own and your job is to help me get more insight of my own thinking?"
From day to day it got worse and started to hear the people talk about me all the time, hating and hurting me. At home I got halluziantions and started to see my father stepping inside my bedroom naked, walking to my bed... Food wasn't eatable as soon as it was touched by somebody else and I had really bad anxienity attack's thinking my heart is going to implode the very next moment. My body got numb and I couldn't differ between the different types of pain. Antisocialysing I got more and more lonely hating on myself, because there was no other to hate. I can change my life own, you know what you have to do!
Time passed, school passed and still wonder how I passed it with my foggy-brain, never learning. A voluntary year of social service brought me back to america for a year. Ironically it was in 2012 then Hurricane Sandy hit New York, esspecially Staten Island there I was living. It felt good to be useful and see people smiling brought back memories long forgotten. The year was more stressful than it helped me. As soon as I was back I started studying Physics. Never resting I kept on going living a meaningless life. What is it worth living for in a system restricting me? Why can't I fight my bad habbits? Why do we have to hate each other? Is it not possible to change nature's program: DNA?
2) It was a day like every other day. Having no hope and living for my families sake I was invited to a party at a small revenue. Partying was good for me, as much as running to death. Music helped me relax and fleeing from the world of shadows. A friend told me to try MDMA saying it might help me with whatever problem I have. First I was rejecting the offer, but I changed my mind. Does it matter so much to live? How long do you try to run away from the only truth? What do you have to lose?
I was taking a tiny dose and then a life changing moment happened. I was hearing sounds of calmness, the people smiled at me and I wasn't able to fall in my bad habbits. The most important point: I was feeling happiness! I totally forgot what it meant to feel. Spenting years without emotions turned me into somebody I wasn't to begin with. The always smiling boy rockhard to other people's saying turned into a whiney, sour grandpa.
The next months I spent more and more time in clubs finally quitting MDMA after 9 ingestions, because I didn't want to get addicted. After stopping MDMA for some time the negative feelings came back and I was going to kill myself. I told my parents for the first time about my misery. Till this moment I kept quiet and never told anybody a single word of my hardship. Most of my symptoms stopped had stopped while fighting it sobber, but MDMA helped me to make the step and search for help. I spent some time in psychward were I was told that I was sick and the only way out is taking med's. Feeling to have no other choice I agreed and started to take Abilify (Risperdal beforehand). Feeling better and calmer in the beginning I thought it would be heaven's gift to me. Tremors, shaking, bad vision, loss of libido and such brought panic attacks back on me and so i tapered off myself, because I didn't get any support by my ward. I was flying to New York, for the first time taking time off to get better. I spent 26 hours in the security checkpoint and finally was sent back home, because I forgot to sign a paper during peace court. Being awake for 72 hours, the tapering off started to show the first negative symptoms. Wanting to relax and being in my typical brain-fogged state I was taking a small amount of MDMA... It didn't work resulting in even more paranoia resulting in another trip to psychward. This time I didn' take any medications and made big strides, because I have been wanting to change my life for the better after my MDMA experience. 14 days before my release insomnia started. Spenting a max. of 2 hours sleeping a day I was going mad in the inside. I fell back into the same patterns, but now i knew that I surely could change my life.
I kept reading about depression, the different theories, medication and drugs. I was searching for something, which could in fact help me. Luckily I am living next to holland and so I got my hands on magic mushrooms. I tripped alone 2 times, with small doses . There is nobody I consider a true friend anymore, so this was the only way. It helped me greatly, because my insights, I have been gathering for years, made "click" and I am able to accept most of those insights now.
3) What does the future hold for me? I want to become a psychologist to help the people suffering from depressions like me. Right now I am diagnosed with F 33.1 (before it was either F21 or F33.3), but I will keep on fighting, because there always will be ups and downs. My midlife crisis is far from over, but at least I know now how to deal with my problems. It doesn't matter to me if something good or bad is happening, because almost all the time it is an experience you can learn from. It is just a matter of time till it will not be noticeable anymore. The things I want to experience is true crying (5 years without it) and feeling true love. I never have been able to feel something special for somebody, just seeing the flesh. That was the reason why I never have had a girlfriend and instead went a couple times to Escorts to have emotionless sex. ONS and realtionsships had no place for me. I wouldn't be able to fake my emotions and betray somebody else, just for something like sex. I am still feeling guilty supporting something I hate (Escorts are just human being's by the way). Well I did it and have to live with it I guess.
What helped me?
- Analyzing my problems and solving them as much as I am able to
- Searching for help leading to GOOD therapy
- Sports
- Nature
- Taking as less drugs as possible (including coffein and alcohol) /staying sober
- Taking ceratin drugs such as small dose's of MDMA and magic mushrooms with long breaks inbetween (WARNING! Just because it helped me doesn't mean it has to help you! I am ready to take the consequences!)
- Search something which keeps you alive, as stupid it may be.
- Stay positive
Don't give up
. As long as you never tried there is no reason to give up!
2) The fight starts
3) Future
1) I am in my early twenties and in the following excerpt I am going to tell you my story. On a note I always have been somebody searching on my own and trying to explain the world in my own words through looking and exploring. School has not been interesting for me as long as I can think of with its forcing ideas. I never understood bullies and the hate on the social level including racismn.
The moment my life changed to worse was then I was around 14 years of age. It was a cold day with a glaring sun on the skyline. We were skiing and after making a short stop I was hit by a school mate and landed right on my neck. Later on I felt a sudden dizzyness and wasn't able to see clearly leading to my deaprture and my way back to the hotel. Arriving and going to bed I fell in a trauma (coma?). I was caged inside my body, not able to move or communicate with my soroundings. Things got worse than some of my mates entered my room making fun of me while "sleeping". It wasn't fun for me screaming and spitting out my soul in an empty room full of voices. Time passed and people noticed that something wasn't right. In the end I was carried to a shabby hospital. After waking up I fell asleep quickly afterwards. The first days I had to spent in a wheel chair and my brain was just much. I wasn't able to write nor doing the easiest tasks such as cutting a piece of bread. Months passed and I finally was able to do all the things I did before. But I changed forever. My friends and I had been starting to drink alcohol a few months short of this incident and for my luck's sake I was able to stay sober after this quick stint.
The real fun started now. I was questioning the world and any sense it had made to me. I started to lose my emotions, got suicidal on a daily routine. I fell in deep depression and was crying a lot. I never thought I was going to miss this feeling as much. Losing touch with my emotions I lost touch with everything I loved and respected. People's talking just didn't make sense and I realized how our daily routines are linked to our emotions and how they restrict us from being totally free in or judgement. This made things worse, because I always wanted to be as free as possible in my judgement creating a world of peace and no racismn.
I went to a psychologist at the age of 15. I didn't work out, because he answered the following question with yes and I departured: "Isn't it so that I am the only person, who can change his life for the better on his own and your job is to help me get more insight of my own thinking?"
From day to day it got worse and started to hear the people talk about me all the time, hating and hurting me. At home I got halluziantions and started to see my father stepping inside my bedroom naked, walking to my bed... Food wasn't eatable as soon as it was touched by somebody else and I had really bad anxienity attack's thinking my heart is going to implode the very next moment. My body got numb and I couldn't differ between the different types of pain. Antisocialysing I got more and more lonely hating on myself, because there was no other to hate. I can change my life own, you know what you have to do!
Time passed, school passed and still wonder how I passed it with my foggy-brain, never learning. A voluntary year of social service brought me back to america for a year. Ironically it was in 2012 then Hurricane Sandy hit New York, esspecially Staten Island there I was living. It felt good to be useful and see people smiling brought back memories long forgotten. The year was more stressful than it helped me. As soon as I was back I started studying Physics. Never resting I kept on going living a meaningless life. What is it worth living for in a system restricting me? Why can't I fight my bad habbits? Why do we have to hate each other? Is it not possible to change nature's program: DNA?
2) It was a day like every other day. Having no hope and living for my families sake I was invited to a party at a small revenue. Partying was good for me, as much as running to death. Music helped me relax and fleeing from the world of shadows. A friend told me to try MDMA saying it might help me with whatever problem I have. First I was rejecting the offer, but I changed my mind. Does it matter so much to live? How long do you try to run away from the only truth? What do you have to lose?
I was taking a tiny dose and then a life changing moment happened. I was hearing sounds of calmness, the people smiled at me and I wasn't able to fall in my bad habbits. The most important point: I was feeling happiness! I totally forgot what it meant to feel. Spenting years without emotions turned me into somebody I wasn't to begin with. The always smiling boy rockhard to other people's saying turned into a whiney, sour grandpa.
The next months I spent more and more time in clubs finally quitting MDMA after 9 ingestions, because I didn't want to get addicted. After stopping MDMA for some time the negative feelings came back and I was going to kill myself. I told my parents for the first time about my misery. Till this moment I kept quiet and never told anybody a single word of my hardship. Most of my symptoms stopped had stopped while fighting it sobber, but MDMA helped me to make the step and search for help. I spent some time in psychward were I was told that I was sick and the only way out is taking med's. Feeling to have no other choice I agreed and started to take Abilify (Risperdal beforehand). Feeling better and calmer in the beginning I thought it would be heaven's gift to me. Tremors, shaking, bad vision, loss of libido and such brought panic attacks back on me and so i tapered off myself, because I didn't get any support by my ward. I was flying to New York, for the first time taking time off to get better. I spent 26 hours in the security checkpoint and finally was sent back home, because I forgot to sign a paper during peace court. Being awake for 72 hours, the tapering off started to show the first negative symptoms. Wanting to relax and being in my typical brain-fogged state I was taking a small amount of MDMA... It didn't work resulting in even more paranoia resulting in another trip to psychward. This time I didn' take any medications and made big strides, because I have been wanting to change my life for the better after my MDMA experience. 14 days before my release insomnia started. Spenting a max. of 2 hours sleeping a day I was going mad in the inside. I fell back into the same patterns, but now i knew that I surely could change my life.
I kept reading about depression, the different theories, medication and drugs. I was searching for something, which could in fact help me. Luckily I am living next to holland and so I got my hands on magic mushrooms. I tripped alone 2 times, with small doses . There is nobody I consider a true friend anymore, so this was the only way. It helped me greatly, because my insights, I have been gathering for years, made "click" and I am able to accept most of those insights now.
3) What does the future hold for me? I want to become a psychologist to help the people suffering from depressions like me. Right now I am diagnosed with F 33.1 (before it was either F21 or F33.3), but I will keep on fighting, because there always will be ups and downs. My midlife crisis is far from over, but at least I know now how to deal with my problems. It doesn't matter to me if something good or bad is happening, because almost all the time it is an experience you can learn from. It is just a matter of time till it will not be noticeable anymore. The things I want to experience is true crying (5 years without it) and feeling true love. I never have been able to feel something special for somebody, just seeing the flesh. That was the reason why I never have had a girlfriend and instead went a couple times to Escorts to have emotionless sex. ONS and realtionsships had no place for me. I wouldn't be able to fake my emotions and betray somebody else, just for something like sex. I am still feeling guilty supporting something I hate (Escorts are just human being's by the way). Well I did it and have to live with it I guess.
What helped me?
- Analyzing my problems and solving them as much as I am able to
- Searching for help leading to GOOD therapy
- Sports
- Nature
- Taking as less drugs as possible (including coffein and alcohol) /staying sober
- Taking ceratin drugs such as small dose's of MDMA and magic mushrooms with long breaks inbetween (WARNING! Just because it helped me doesn't mean it has to help you! I am ready to take the consequences!)
- Search something which keeps you alive, as stupid it may be.
- Stay positive
Don't give up
. As long as you never tried there is no reason to give up!
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