My story, need advice/someone to talk to

[trapped&down27]

I'm a new member so I'm not sure how this works, but hopefully I can get some feedback/words of advice and encouragement. Here is my story.

I'm at a point in my life where I never thought I would be. I am 3 hours away from having my bachelors degree. That is completely on hold right now due to money issues and time availability. I am married and I have one small child that I stay at home with. If you have children you know that this can be more strenuous that a full time job. I love being able to stay at home with my child, but I feel out of place. I've been staying at home for about 4 months now. Before that I worked everyday for the past 10 years. I live a fairly good distance away from all of my family and friends. The only people I have here are my child and my husband (who works full time and goes to school.) All of this thrown together has become the perfect storm for my depression. I find little interest in doing things, I have to make myself to housework. I do give ample amount of attention to my child, but even that takes a toll on me at times. So to make myself feel better and able to do the things I need to do, I have been self-medicating with opiates. No I don't go out on the street and buy them. I have family members that are prescribed them, that is where I get them from - secretly. I feel awful and have so much guilt in doing so, but for me the pros outweigh the cons at this point. I feel stuck, trapped, as you can see from my user name. Every single month for the past year I have been going through the cycle of using opiates for about 2-2 1/12 weeks and then the last two I'm forced to face my demons. I have realized that doing this is only making my depression worse, but over the months my addiction has gotten stronger and stronger. My tolerance is way higher, which I think is starting to make ppl wonder why their meds have run out so soon. I fear that soon I may be found out, which would be absolutely devastating to me. NO ONE knows about this, not my husband, best friend, no one. I feel completely alone in this. I've gone to the doctor several times, haven't told him of my problem, just that I have trouble sleeping, depression, and lots of anxiety. I've been prescribed klonopin and Zoloft. I'm not on the klonopin anymore bc my doctor doesn't want me to become addicted. I can understand that, but it's been the only thing that takes say the anxiety and helps me sleep. I don't feel like the Zoloft does much. The other day he also prescribed me wellbutrin, which I've heard good things about. I just don't know what to do. I can't go to an outpatient clinic, to a counselor, get on suboxone, or anything of that sort - it would show up on my medical record and my husband would find out.

In the beginning the withdrawals were pretty bad as I had not known how to deal with them. Now having to basically go through them monthly, I have learned how to make them minimal and have little physical discomfort. But that damn depression is still there.

I want to stop this vicious opiate cycle, but my addiction has become so strong I don't know what to do.

Someone please respond and give me some advice.

 

[pro re nata]

hi t-down.. .. . sorry to hear that you are feeling the way you are, it is really great that you are posting looking for support, a means to collect and take a good look at your current situation. you are spotting some good things and can sense what is going to take place if you do not try to figure out a new direction in dealing with your emotions. do you really feel the "pros" out weight the "cons" of this cycle you are riding out with?? that along with guilt, confusion and tip toeing about are classic signs of addiction. the "pros" of this are so temporary in that instant relief that seems to fade faster and faster till you reach the point that is just a straight burden that really has you trapped. in coming here and starting this thread is a good move in looking at this and starting to take inventory on all you have and how your use can effect it. your depression and anxiety will continue to grow the more that you decide to cover it up with opiates.

you are at a good point in addressing this, good for you in deciding to do so! being on this cycle of half of the month using you have not dug so deep into dependency where you are finding yourself turing to the streets to find them, this could easily be that next step. active addiction many times takes us to places we never thought we would go to. have your family member that you are getting the pills from talked to you at all about any concerns? in receiving the meds from them do you feel comfortable in asking them for support with their discretion at this time? they might be understanding in what you are going through all in all and be part of working on a solid structure in facing this. you do not feel that you could talk with your husband about this and he has not suspected anything at this point? i am sure it would feel amazing to talk with him about all of this and your emotions as he is your partner but totally understand where you could be worried. this could be one wall to try and break down in moving forward and facing things that are building uppon your pre-exsisting depression/stress.

addiction likes to take as much as it can from us till it leaves us with nothing hens the term "rock bottom". i know you said that you can not goto a counselor in worries about your medical record and your husband. if you do not feel you are at a point where you can talk to him about your self medicating can't you express that you would like to try therapy in aid with your depression and anxiety? this could be a wonderful tool in helping you build and work on a plan in dealing with this cycle, directly tying to the underlying issues. what about trying to check out a meeting either AA/NA or SMART recovery... both have meeting that are children friendly. this could be a another great step in starting to build some momentum. try to work on making a list of all the pros and cons for continuing use, this could be the start of a excellent journal. i personally think it would also be a great move to talk with your doctor about this, sharing your concerns in reaching out in this direction due to your feeling and how the medications you have found non effective. he could be much more understanding then you ever imagined. .. all this goes hand in hand with anxiety/depression in facing concerns. medication no matter what is only one aspect in dealing with these things, therapy is a very helpful aid along with things like diet, activity, goals and so on. give the wellbutrin a try as yes it is a very effective antidepressant for many people. .. are you continuing with the zoloft also? your doctor is looking out for you in his concerns about long therm bezo use because it is a really, really rough dependency to deal and go through. was he prescribing you klonopin beyond one pill a day for sleep? if it is just for sleep maybe try talking to him about ambien or trying out liquid melatonin. you could also try using some valerian root for your anxiety.

you have some wonderful things going on in your life and people that need you.. . you can make it through this not just for you but for your family and all you have in front of you!! do not be hard on yourself you showing a lot of courage and strength in looking for support and wanting to figure out a better path! do not overwhelm yourself, try to work on setting obtainable goals that can build in the desired direction.. .

 

[The God]

Hey there t&d

First of all, you've taken a big step in the right direction by posting this. It shows you acknowledge your problems and you are willing to change it.

I don't feel as if I can give you any advice on this as you're probably more experienced in life than me, in many aspects...


But here are some of my thoughts:

Keeping something to yourself for long periods of time can have dramatic effects on you, which you obviously experience. This I can tell you from my own experience. Depression could lead to substance use and eventually abuse. I didn't tell anyone about my problems and even lied my way out of everything just to feed my addiction, to temporary overcome my negativity. But I did hit rock bottom. Unlike me, you've already taken a turn in the right direction by sharing your story, and by asking advice.

You seem like a loving, caring mother and wife with the best intentions. Don't let your life depend on substance use. This counts for drugs as well as pharmaceuticals. Usually coming out, and talking about your problems can be the most effective way of dealing with depression.. At least that is what I experienced.. So it might be a relief to tell someone who is close to you, who you can trust, and who will help you through this. I'm sure your husband is willing to take care of you, despite his busy schedule. IMO Family comes first.

This being said, I wish you the best. I believe your struggle will turn into an experience and you will be back on track. But be patient as it might take time. In the end, time heals all wounds.



PS: I'm taking wellbutrin, and for me, it works wonders. But then again this may vary from person to person, as you may know. For me it brought back my interests, ability to enjoy things, emotions (less bad, more good). It also helped me overcome a few addictions I had, including caffeine and nicotine. So it might help your fight against your addiction.