My storie

[nathanjkd]

Because this is an online forum I feel a bit more anonymous, so I feel like I can open up a bit more.
I went to my first NA meeting the other day, and it was crazy, because I didn't feel so alone there are other people
going through the same shit as me.

I'm hoping by sharing I could maybe get some advice from older addicts, and because I guess i'm willing to try anything,
because I don't know how to escape.

Like many others I use drugs because I like the way it feels, but I think the main reason is because I am trying to block out
the pain and memories of my fucking horrible traumatic childhood.

I also am self-medicating because I have some mental health issues, I smoked weed, did E's and drank when I was
a teenager, but I was 20 when I started to abuse drugs religiously.

My drug of choice is opiates, shit the first time I did painkillers, I knew I had found my best friend, for the first time in my life I felt whole.

But for the last two years I have been going on Speed or Coke binges, and always have some Heroin, the thousand foot pillow for those Coke comedowns.
I only dabbled in Heroin because it is hard to get for me, I had and still have a steady source of Dihydrocodeine tablets and Morphine sulphate [liquid and amps to shoot].

After a year or so my tolerance was sky high, I was doing 56 30mg Dihydrocodeine tabs with 200mg of Morphine, and soon after that I wasn't even getting high anymore, I needed it just to not feel sick.

Before I got help I had started to mix that amount of opiates with 11 20mg Temazapams, I did this everyday and to be honest it was not about getting high anymore I was just self-destructing, I am lucky to be alive, I put my family through hell. They were finding me almost everyday not breathing, blue and I was so out of it I didn't even know my name.

My brother told me recently that he had bought an amp of Narcan, if I overdosed, Now that i'm clean and the drugs aren't blocking it anymore, I am fucking filled with guilt, I stole from everyone, I hurt people, robbed dealers and I am in debt, just a few grand but I spent 15grand of my inheritance on drugs.

I guess only time will help to gain the trust of my family again. But I didn't die, I got help, got on a Methadone programme and i'm still on 50mg of that.

Problem is I still do opiates once a week and keep going on Speed/Coke binges, and I swear honestly I would give anything to be able to stop. I just don't know how and it just fucking sucks, I am just sick of it.

Lately I keep thinking maybe I should move to somewhere else, because here I know all the places to get drugs, and the other day I got off a bus and some guy recognised me from the Methadone clinic and offered me some Heroin, when I said no he said he would give me the first wrap for free. And I just found this increably hard to deal with [I told him to fuck off, and resisted], that's the thing the dealers are predators a few of them when you say no I want to be clean , say they will give me stuff for free.

I know they are just trying to get me hooked, and I hate them. And the woman who first sold my painkillers got me hooked and I gave her so much money, I fucking hate her, she got me hooked on purpose, I remeberher saying "oh they are like smoking weed and not addictive".

Anyway sorry for swearing a few times, thanks for reading my story and please give me advice and tell me what you think, because it is hard to see yourself in a fresh perspective.

-NathanJKD.

 

[aq.]

homelesss > tds

 

[Eveleivibe]

Hiya nathanjkd.

First of all, welcome to Bluelight and thank you for sharing your story.

You will find support here, people listen and are supportive You don't need to apologise for swearing. A lot of us do that here n as far as I'm aware, no one is going to tick you off for it. Well done on being clean. Please don't take this the wrong way, and no that I am NOT in any way judging you, but part of sobriety and overcoming addiction is taking responsibility. I agree that the dealers are wrong to do what they do, however you put that stuff in your system. Most of us have addictions of some sort here and we've all had to admit so please know that I'm not trying to be mean to you by saying that. We can't blame everyone else for our situations - we need to take responsibility in order to get passed what has happened.

I wish you all the very best in your recovery,
Evey

 

[nathanjkd]

Reading my story can anyone else relate?

 

[herbavore]

Nathan, I am not an older addict but I am the older mother of a son that was an addict. I wanted to say that for now it is important to try not to worry too much about the harm you have done to your family relationships--they will heal as you heal. And don't take on all the blame--it will only serve to make you feel worse and you need all your strength and self-compassion to get through this. I am going to move this thread over to Sober Living because I think it will get more responses there--if it doesn't we can always move it back.

I was so moved by your brother getting Narcan to have on hand. You've got a good ally there that loves you. Love yourself and do whatever it takes to get off everything and let yourself heal.

 

[BlueSaffron]

Its hard to quit.. I"m going through it now myself. Had two weeks clean and relapsed because sober life is just like....I dunno. Without that drug buffer, you realize a lot of things, and some of them can be pretty unpleasant.

The thing is, though, you need to feel those unpleasant feelings in order to change - that's the whole point of them. You just have to deal with the feelings that come up as best you can, and keep at it.

The only way out is through.

And yeah, dealers can suck. My methadone clinic is smack in the middle of the dope track. Almost everyday as I walk up the block to the clinic, I hear "chiva, morphines, kolodopins, chiva...". My dealers all live within a five block radius of the clinic. It is what it is. I either want to get clean, or I don't.

 

[phactor]

You said you are willing to do anything, so try NA/AA/SMART.

I notice by the drugs you listed, that you are likely in the UK somewhere? NA and AA both exist over there. Not sure about SMART.

 

[nathanjkd]

Hiya nathanjkd.

First of all, welcome to Bluelight and thank you for sharing your story.

You will find support here, people listen and are supportive You don't need to apologise for swearing. A lot of us do that here n as far as I'm aware, no one is going to tick you off for it. Well done on being clean. Please don't take this the wrong way, and no that I am NOT in any way judging you, but part of sobriety and overcoming addiction is taking responsibility. I agree that the dealers are wrong to do what they do, however you put that stuff in your system. Most of us have addictions of some sort here and we've all had to admit so please know that I'm not trying to be mean to you by saying that. We can't blame everyone else for our situations - we need to take responsibility in order to get passed what has happened.

I wish you all the very best in your recovery,
Evey

You misunderstood me m8, I do fully take responsibility, I am the one whom chooses to do drugs, and I def don't want anyone to think that because, I don't hide behind and use my childhood as a excuse, I just meant that if I moved away, it wouldn't help me, because where ever I am I will find and seek out drugs.

Thanx for you guy's reply's. Do you know why I love the internet? Because like on Bluelight and other many forums, people struggling with drugs, life etc. can find and connect.

To be honest this last week was going good, but this morning was listening to the radio, and that Deep Purple song - smoke on the water was playing, an it triggered the memory of how amazing I felt listening to this song when I was doing Heroin/any Opiate-coke-combo, so I knew I had money in the bank, I have fucked up again, I took out £250 and you know what comes next, I sit alone in my bedroom, doing drugs by myself.

I am still going and the worst part is I feel disgusted and hate myself but I know when I run out of drugs tomorrow, I am going to feel this a thousand times worst.

And I guess the saddest part is I am pouring my soul out on this forum, because I have no one else I can talk to.
I guess the biggest problem each of us drug addicts all face is we tried Heroin or whatever, and like me sit alone doing drugs, shooting speedballs knowing I can't take it back.

I have become a person who takes drugs in my own private sensory world where feelings are felt in reverse, because normal people have loved ones and meaningful things in their day-to-day and their happiness and comfort comes from outside, where's we get ours in reverse.

Sorry guys I have had a bit of a rant, but fuck it, if someone else doesn't feel so alone reading this it worth every adjective.

 

[bluebellbutterfly]

Tough place you're in right now. You're on the ride till you run out, you know that. No matter how alone you may feel right now, you really are not alone.

 

[THECATINTHEHAT]

Lol, amount of time I've been given a free white because they know it will mean that return phone call. Being offered it on the street at random coming off the bus is next level predatory though.