doubleheadedeagle
Bluelighter
Well, I live in Kosovo, a small town in the Balkan peninsula(southeast Europe), we are a pretty new country, our independence was declared on February 2008 after the long time of being occupied by the serbs. We are very conservative people with traditions and very old culture.
I am 17 years old male, I was born in Germany due to the war that was in Kosovo that time, my parents were immigrants. Me and my parents came back to Kosovo as soon as the war ended and at that time I was 3 years old. I was a very curious, energetic and happy boy, until 2007 when my mother passed away due to brain tumor. This is the point when my life turned the wrong way. I started some gangs with some neighbors( I was very revolted and angry at that time) so I engaged in criminal activities not that big in that time.
At the age of 10 I started becoming more and more interested in drugs, (I injected testosterone IV, smoked papaver rhoeas thinking it was opium,sniffed glue, started smoking tobacco, and only a year later I tried weed). For the next few years I got in love with a girl, I was crazy for her, I was very naive and ignorant and could do anything for her to love me back, unfortunately that never happened, I got depressed and with no hopes for those 3 years. Than I rejoined in that gang. They charged me to sell weed (with only 13 years old), I started smoking more and more weed, since I made it a habit. Than I the gang wasn't that good financially, and we started stealing and robbing for money and status, to get back in the dealing business.After 2 years for good or maybe bad the leaders got arrested and the gang ceased existing. My smoking habit was becoming more and more heavy. So by the time I couldn't get the money for weed, I was drinking beer. Until one day when a friend of my friend would give us weed everyday. One day I got too high and drunk only me and that friend, and than he started touching me(sexually), and I can't remember all of the story but I know he sucked my dick and than it was my turn
. After that we never talked about that anymore, and my friendship with him didn't last very long (I couldn't imagine how we could do that). As I said we are a very conservative country, and I was to afraid that other might find out what we did. After that I became more and more anxious. Maybe weed contributed to that. after 4 or 5 months my younger and only sister was diagnosed with acute lymphoblastic leukemia, that was the time I got more and more depressed, I smoked 10+ joints per day used bromazepam(lexilum)+beer for probably 3-4 times a week and got into my own world(started becoming delusional). I started believing more and more in conspiracies and my ideas were that we all are in a big plan(game) that the world elite is playing. After that I started meditating and believing that I could achieve Christ consciousness(even that I am muslim we believe in Jesus as a prophet), and I thought I could destroy the world elite
.I quit weed because i thought it was preventing me from my agenda.
Than after 1 month the holy month of Ramadan started and I started fasting and praying.
I became more and more delusional and paranoid, my family members started noticing that.They forced me to see a psychiatrist and he wrongly diagnosed me with depression and prescribed fluoxetine (prozac), I felt very strange that time and in the middle of the holy month I became psychotic, once I saw a shadow like a group of people that shouted*I swear to your soul that we believe in you* that happened for 3 or 4 minutes. I started thinking that I was a prophet and my mission was to gather 1200 people and wait the return of Jesus, I was thinking that we are living in the and times ( I think this is schizophrenia but I was never diagnosed with it), I successfully convinced 4 people that I was the Imam Mahdi( a person in Islam that is believed to come in the end time and that will make the path of the coming of Isa aka Jesus Christ).
After that I started doubting in my family members, my father, my uncle, my aunt. I thought my father was an old criminal(very successful drug dealer), I started thinking that my uncle is infiltrated with the elite( cuz my uncle is in the rotary international) and that that the rotary is an sub-group of the elites. I started thinking that my aunt is a witch and with her witchcraft she every night spies on me. After that I couldn't sleep any minute for almost 3 day due to my paranoia and even that I couldn't sleep I was very hyperactive very very strange, my mood at that time was kinda bipolar cuz one day I would feel euphoric the other very depressed. After those 3 days of severe psychosis, I started to bag my family to send me to hospital and to sue the psychiatrist that gave me prozac(I was thinking that prozac was the cause of these problems). And they send me to the psychiatric emergency I was injected with valium and hospitalized in the department of substance abuse disorders like and rehabilitation clinic (because I have told them that I had used cannabis). I had panic attacks cuz the place was too small 3 rooms and a very very narrow corridor. I was thinking that I am going to suffocate and only after 4 days of hospitalization I was thinking to escape from that place, and the next day I escaped from the toilets window, and to be caught by the security, and than sent to isolation, I suffered to much in the isolation for 5 days, and they were only giving me valium(diazepam) and they calmed me down pretty much. Than they put me to an high security psychiatric hospital were I hadn't any chance to escape. But I was fine with that by knowing where I was (4x4 meters dark room). I started socializing with the other mentally ill except an very hard schizophrenic. I had a fine time there because that hospital was very larger than the substance abuse disorder department and I could go once a day in the garden. Than after 2 weeks they sent me back to the rehabilitation department. There were 3 heroin users and another weed users none of them were psychotic just recovering from they're habit. I was there 26 days without any minute going outside only there in that small closed department. They told me that I have psychotic depression due to my substance abuse and with OCD . They gave me olanzapine (Zyprexa) and valium.
In there I restarted my weed use cuz some heroin users had got some.
After 26 days I finally was free, and healthy and very very good. I had regular visits to my psychiatrist. And one day when I went to the the psychiatrist I told them that my hands some times during the day would start shaking for about 30-60 minutes and they hospitalized me again. I lost my school, I got depressed and I was with no hope. There I was only with an 54 year old alcoholic, I was too bored. Than after 1 month a friend from outside got imprisoned in there for 6 months from the court for being aggressive in his house.
I told him that if he could get weed we freely could smoke it in there. And he got 40 grams of weed, and we smoked everyday in there, I started to become institutionalized by the fact that I was smoking free weed, getting free food and not having to go to the school. As soon as I would get out I would do anything to get in there. And there I was until 28th january. When I got out I was very anxious, I couldn't engage in social activities, and my father understood me and I convinced him to buy me weed with the promise that I would quit it soon. And so I did I quit it for the second time on 14 february 2015. Than I got diagnosed with social anxiety, my P prescribed me alprazolam(xanax), I soon started to abuse them. My dad snitched me to the psychiatrist and there I was without any anti-anxiety med. But soon found a pharmacy that would give me xanax without prescription. The best time was the blackout time.
And the tolerance got up and up too fast and now I am 15mg+ alprazolam, I used to use olanzapine and carbomazepine but my psychiatrist went to Canada for specialization and now I have an other psychiatrist she changed my therapy now I use quetiapine(serequel), valproic acid and zolpidem(ambien), I'm planning to quit xanax but I don't have any clue how to do it, by the way the antypsychotics are making me less and less emotional. I want to be drug free and get my soul back.
!!!PLEASE DON'T BE RUDE AND TRY TO HELP ME!!!
I am 17 years old male, I was born in Germany due to the war that was in Kosovo that time, my parents were immigrants. Me and my parents came back to Kosovo as soon as the war ended and at that time I was 3 years old. I was a very curious, energetic and happy boy, until 2007 when my mother passed away due to brain tumor. This is the point when my life turned the wrong way. I started some gangs with some neighbors( I was very revolted and angry at that time) so I engaged in criminal activities not that big in that time.
At the age of 10 I started becoming more and more interested in drugs, (I injected testosterone IV, smoked papaver rhoeas thinking it was opium,sniffed glue, started smoking tobacco, and only a year later I tried weed). For the next few years I got in love with a girl, I was crazy for her, I was very naive and ignorant and could do anything for her to love me back, unfortunately that never happened, I got depressed and with no hopes for those 3 years. Than I rejoined in that gang. They charged me to sell weed (with only 13 years old), I started smoking more and more weed, since I made it a habit. Than I the gang wasn't that good financially, and we started stealing and robbing for money and status, to get back in the dealing business.After 2 years for good or maybe bad the leaders got arrested and the gang ceased existing. My smoking habit was becoming more and more heavy. So by the time I couldn't get the money for weed, I was drinking beer. Until one day when a friend of my friend would give us weed everyday. One day I got too high and drunk only me and that friend, and than he started touching me(sexually), and I can't remember all of the story but I know he sucked my dick and than it was my turn
. After that we never talked about that anymore, and my friendship with him didn't last very long (I couldn't imagine how we could do that). As I said we are a very conservative country, and I was to afraid that other might find out what we did. After that I became more and more anxious. Maybe weed contributed to that. after 4 or 5 months my younger and only sister was diagnosed with acute lymphoblastic leukemia, that was the time I got more and more depressed, I smoked 10+ joints per day used bromazepam(lexilum)+beer for probably 3-4 times a week and got into my own world(started becoming delusional). I started believing more and more in conspiracies and my ideas were that we all are in a big plan(game) that the world elite is playing. After that I started meditating and believing that I could achieve Christ consciousness(even that I am muslim we believe in Jesus as a prophet), and I thought I could destroy the world elite.I quit weed because i thought it was preventing me from my agenda. Than after 1 month the holy month of Ramadan started and I started fasting and praying.
I became more and more delusional and paranoid, my family members started noticing that.They forced me to see a psychiatrist and he wrongly diagnosed me with depression and prescribed fluoxetine (prozac), I felt very strange that time and in the middle of the holy month I became psychotic, once I saw a shadow like a group of people that shouted*I swear to your soul that we believe in you* that happened for 3 or 4 minutes. I started thinking that I was a prophet and my mission was to gather 1200 people and wait the return of Jesus, I was thinking that we are living in the and times ( I think this is schizophrenia but I was never diagnosed with it), I successfully convinced 4 people that I was the Imam Mahdi( a person in Islam that is believed to come in the end time and that will make the path of the coming of Isa aka Jesus Christ).
After that I started doubting in my family members, my father, my uncle, my aunt. I thought my father was an old criminal(very successful drug dealer), I started thinking that my uncle is infiltrated with the elite( cuz my uncle is in the rotary international) and that that the rotary is an sub-group of the elites. I started thinking that my aunt is a witch and with her witchcraft she every night spies on me. After that I couldn't sleep any minute for almost 3 day due to my paranoia and even that I couldn't sleep I was very hyperactive very very strange, my mood at that time was kinda bipolar cuz one day I would feel euphoric the other very depressed. After those 3 days of severe psychosis, I started to bag my family to send me to hospital and to sue the psychiatrist that gave me prozac(I was thinking that prozac was the cause of these problems). And they send me to the psychiatric emergency I was injected with valium and hospitalized in the department of substance abuse disorders like and rehabilitation clinic (because I have told them that I had used cannabis). I had panic attacks cuz the place was too small 3 rooms and a very very narrow corridor. I was thinking that I am going to suffocate and only after 4 days of hospitalization I was thinking to escape from that place, and the next day I escaped from the toilets window, and to be caught by the security, and than sent to isolation, I suffered to much in the isolation for 5 days, and they were only giving me valium(diazepam) and they calmed me down pretty much. Than they put me to an high security psychiatric hospital were I hadn't any chance to escape. But I was fine with that by knowing where I was (4x4 meters dark room). I started socializing with the other mentally ill except an very hard schizophrenic. I had a fine time there because that hospital was very larger than the substance abuse disorder department and I could go once a day in the garden. Than after 2 weeks they sent me back to the rehabilitation department. There were 3 heroin users and another weed users none of them were psychotic just recovering from they're habit. I was there 26 days without any minute going outside only there in that small closed department. They told me that I have psychotic depression due to my substance abuse and with OCD . They gave me olanzapine (Zyprexa) and valium.
In there I restarted my weed use cuz some heroin users had got some.
After 26 days I finally was free, and healthy and very very good. I had regular visits to my psychiatrist. And one day when I went to the the psychiatrist I told them that my hands some times during the day would start shaking for about 30-60 minutes and they hospitalized me again. I lost my school, I got depressed and I was with no hope. There I was only with an 54 year old alcoholic, I was too bored. Than after 1 month a friend from outside got imprisoned in there for 6 months from the court for being aggressive in his house.
I told him that if he could get weed we freely could smoke it in there. And he got 40 grams of weed, and we smoked everyday in there, I started to become institutionalized by the fact that I was smoking free weed, getting free food and not having to go to the school. As soon as I would get out I would do anything to get in there. And there I was until 28th january. When I got out I was very anxious, I couldn't engage in social activities, and my father understood me and I convinced him to buy me weed with the promise that I would quit it soon. And so I did I quit it for the second time on 14 february 2015. Than I got diagnosed with social anxiety, my P prescribed me alprazolam(xanax), I soon started to abuse them. My dad snitched me to the psychiatrist and there I was without any anti-anxiety med. But soon found a pharmacy that would give me xanax without prescription. The best time was the blackout time.
And the tolerance got up and up too fast and now I am 15mg+ alprazolam, I used to use olanzapine and carbomazepine but my psychiatrist went to Canada for specialization and now I have an other psychiatrist she changed my therapy now I use quetiapine(serequel), valproic acid and zolpidem(ambien), I'm planning to quit xanax but I don't have any clue how to do it, by the way the antypsychotics are making me less and less emotional. I want to be drug free and get my soul back.
!!!PLEASE DON'T BE RUDE AND TRY TO HELP ME!!!
