My self hatred is making me want to use hard drugs like opiates, cocaine, etc.

[TheAbandoned]

I really hate my body. It’s to a pathological extent and I’ve been diagnosed with many mental illnesses. I can’t stand the fact that I’m in a white woman’s body. White and female is the worst combo to ever exist. I’ve hit my body with rocks. I can’t stand the self hatred. I’ve tried to attempt suicide but I got too scared of what happens after death (I’m agnostic). So I called 911 cause I’m a coward. I just got out of the 5150 a couple days ago. Life is unbearable. I’m ready to let anyone have their way with me to get some dope. I don’t want to get sober or try to have a good life cause I’m a lost cause.

 

[Pissed_and_messed]

It sounds contradictory that you don't want to take your life but want to take drugs that often eventually end up making you so miserable that you will want to do it even more.
I'd stick to the most sustainable option if you want to go escapist route. Kratom and papaver somniferum have good supply in many places of world, for example.

 

[Pissed_and_messed]

Doing contradictory things makes sense tho if you are living in wrong body. Pain makes mad.

 

[PtahTek]

White and female is the worst combo to ever exist.

May I ask why you feel this is true? There are many that would argue this point... including my wife who is asian.

I don’t want to get sober or try to have a good life cause I’m a lost cause.

I would beg to differ on this point. As much as I lived this path and believed it there is much to be said of experiencing this and at some point being valuable to anothers well being in some ways through the experience.
There are none who are more or less valuable in my opinion. We all have a piece of the puzzle of life and if we could connect them all there wouldnt be so much despair.
Just my thoughts on this.
May mean nothing but find it to be one hell of a hypothesis in my simple mind.

 

[TheAbandoned]

It sounds contradictory that you don't want to take your life but want to take drugs that often eventually end up making you so miserable that you will want to do it even more.
I'd stick to the most sustainable option if you want to go escapist route. Kratom and papaver somniferum have good supply in many places of world, for example.

All of me wants to end my life but my animalistic instincts won’t let me. Metaphor: This life/body is my prison but my animal instincts are the prison guards whom I’ve failed to escape.

 

[Pissed_and_messed]

Do you feel like it do be easier if you just "coincidentally" died while doing drugs?

 

[TheAbandoned]

Do you feel like it do be easier if you just "coincidentally" died while doing drugs?

My dream is to wake up in heaven. When I ask them “what happened” they tell me “You accidentally got drugs that were cut with Fentanyl. Don’t worry, your body is gone and you’ll never suffer again.”

 

[1tbps]

I hope you feel better, OP. I've attempted suicide many times. Life is full of surprises. PM me anytime.

Also, I'm not being sexual in any way. I don't want your body, I want what's inside you.

 

[PtahTek]

White women are Karens. Amber Heard is a white woman. A white woman’s genetics are recessive and her last name gets lost too when she has kids. White women are evil, toxic yet weak.

I would think this is a subjective point of view at best... not discounting your feelings on the matter or being dimissive at all.
IMO/E, we are perfect in who we are. Some will try to be someone else and ultimately become a nobody.

“You accidentally got drugs that were cut with Fentanyl. Don’t worry, your body is gone and you’ll never suffer again.”

Hey, this happened to me recently and I find the worst part of the ordeal dealing with my selfishness and shame of putting those who care about my well being in a very uncomfortable position.
I get that life is cruel and unusual at times but if we focus on the now and maybe try to ease the burden of another maybe we experience a bit of not so bad moments and possible insights that can help us get through the dark times.
The sun sets and rises again.
Cycles.

Are there any people or furry friends about that depend on you?
Any that look to you for comfort and/or inspiration?

 

[Pissed_and_messed]

White women are Karens. Amber Heard is a white woman. A white woman’s genetics are recessive and her last name gets lost too when she has kids. White women are evil, toxic yet weak.

I am not your psychiatrist but I think there is something more to your self-hatred than conditions directly defining your satisfaction with your body. This dichotomy seems issue really.
And even if there was some issue with some group of people, it doesn't really define you. You are your own person.

 

[TheAbandoned]

think there is something more to your self-hatred

Could you please elaborate on your hypothesis? Of course I’ll tell all those thoughts to my shrink. Maybe he could put my on something that’ll stop the obsessive thoughts.

 

[Pissed_and_messed]

I do that if I can get my mind together.
Mirtazapine has been almost as good for my OC-tendencies than opioids. It should be pretty sustainable too and easy to taper off too.

 

[neversickanymore]

Addiction uses illogical emotion to drive use.

I can't handle what I've done to myself by hitting myself in the head with a hammer, so I have got to hit myself in the head with a hammer.

 

[Lysosomalstorage]

Kinda seems like a troll post, but white woman don't stop at American white stereotypes which you seem to be basing your worldview off, I once got bench pressed (I'm 6'2) by the most beautiful polish girl I've ever seen after she knocked out 3 men in succession at Sziget festival.

There are endless women of all skin colours including white that dominate their industries and life in general. Maybe try to find some examples yourself to change your views and find some peace.