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My relationship with females in general.

LogicSoDeveloped

LogicSoDeveloped

Bluelighter
Joined
Oct 12, 2010
Messages
3,427
Location
The Mountains
I'll start off by explaining my relationship with women.

I am 19 years old by the way, in college but no job. I have no real hobbies.

My mother passed when I was 8, never really knew my father. I was raised by my grandmother and as cold, emotionally withdrawn, and cruel as she was in a lot of ways, she also loves me. When I got arrested last summer, I moved away to live with a man who dated my mother before she passed. He is a lonely, paranoid man with schizoid tendencies. Coincidentally, I haven't "talked to," dated, or had sex since last summer. I'm totally straight by the way. In the last year, I have had much, much less contact with females.

I get very anxious around girls I find attractive and don't know what to do. It seems like the majority of girls I'm interested in are in relationships or turn out to have traits that are definite no in my book. I don't want to date a complete slut and its strange how easily some of them mask this.

I am also going through a lot of changes in my life. I can't deal with this guy I'm living with as he is very irritating. My grandmother straight up told me that I can't live with her but she'd be wiling to get me an apartment of my own. I have been grasping at every female that I think I may have a chance with-in my head I mean, I take "talking" much too seriously in my head. I don't let them know this but I can't help but invest myself emotionally in something in the hopes that I will feel the warmth that a woman can bring in to my life.

The caring, taken care of warmth I no longer feel from my grandmother and the intimate warmth I get from sex/messing around with chicks I know somewhat well. I have never had a serious relationship with a girl-the longest one being 3 months IIRC though there was one girl, while we were never in a relationship, I had an e-crush on her but she ended up randomly marrying a guy. I realize now it wouldn't work with her because she seems impulsive in some ways though she is beautiful, sweet and amazing, I gave up that dream a while back and rarely speak to her.

I no longer wish for random sex in the same way I use to by the way, I wish for meaningful sex with a girl I really care about but I can't help but want sex anyway.

Since an MDMA experience this weekend, I have seriously been considering complete sobriety. I realized I have such bad depression problems due to surrounding myself back home with such shitty people. I decided to start meditating and to get more exercise as well as get hobbies. I haven't used anything beyond caffeine/nicotine in 24 hours which, believe it or not, is a somewhat long time for me. Btw, I've only used opiates/benzos maybe a handful of times each and avoid them due to family history.

Can't decide if its the drug use or the shitty people to blame but I also think that the drug use needs to go on a break so I can focus on my classes which I need to do well in.

I wish I could be happy single but I have been for so long. I remember back in the day, I had no problem not giving a shit about girls, messing around, etc. I don't know what it is but I feel so cold and lonely these days.

Wasn't sure if this belongs in TDS or SLR so mods feel free to move it over to TDS if it fits the bill better over there.
 
I'd suggest trying to take a different view on things. Why is this problem specific to females? How is talking to a female any different from a male? Women and Men are both people FIRST, other traits are secondary. Just talk to and relate to her like you would anyone else, on all but a very narrow group of topics, having a penis or vagina are completely irrelevant and not material. So yeah, just consider her a person, a friend, and maybe you will find it easier to talk to and relate with her.

Another, is I detect a certain somber and conservative tone to your world view. "Shes too impulsive" ... " I've jumped to conclusions about her sexual history , thus labeling her as a 'slut' and hence assigning collective blame and traits to her! as well as making her less than equal to me!"

Live a little man! Try some of the impulsive things, maybe you'll actually have fun and enjoyment! or maybe you'll learn something new, and perhaps be able to better understand people or the world at large as a result.
She has a bit of a long sexual history? Maybe it was a temporary thing of youth, and longer representative of her. Maybe it was because she was not in an exclusive relationship, but would be stop doing such things if she were, and i.e. May not be a 'slut' while in a relationship you.

More or less, be a bit more open to new ideas and to new people, even if they are from some construct that you have labelled as inferior. Because, she is NOT inferior based on your abstract construct....it rings very much with same tone as horrors like apartheid when one engages in blind commitment to such fabricated grouping and devaluation of people.
 
yeah dude you cant be mad at people for having a lot of sex when theyre in college. girls want to fuck just as much as guys do. you gotta stop thinking so much. a girl that is even remotely interested in you isnt going to not talk to you because you dont say something cool every single sentence. its cliche but just be yourself, and act like you are interested in the girl, but like you also arent desperate. dont be afraid to lie about small shit to break the ice. like if shes wearing a t shirt of something even if you know jack shit about it just whip out google, look it up, and act like you know what it is
 
rangrz said:
I'd suggest trying to take a different view on things. Why is this problem specific to females? How is talking to a female any different from a male? Women and Men are both people FIRST, other traits are secondary. Just talk to and relate to her like you would anyone else, on all but a very narrow group of topics, having a penis or vagina are completely irrelevant and not material. So yeah, just consider her a person, a friend, and maybe you will find it easier to talk to and relate with her.
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This. You feel anxious around any attractive women because your mind is automatically viewing them as potential partners. Remember that you can retain love similar from a friend, the only things lacking usually are the true closeness sexual contact can bring but on the other hand resisting sexual urges can also form a sort of bond IMO. Think of females as friends who can love you as deeply as you need just lacking the sexual fulfillment portion of the equation which I think you may have tricked yourself into believing is necessary. If you continue onwards with the same form, know that thoughts are just as good at suffocating/damning as they are at freeing/revolutionizing.
 
The girl that is married isn't the one that is a slut btw, I was speaking of a different girl who I hardly know. Admittedly, if I hardly knew her, I guess I shouldn't have cared. The thing is, she fucked a dude we specifically advised her not to as he more than likely has STD's, constantly lies, is pure evil in many people's opinions, and if I really wanted to get into a detail, like I will now, I will say that he told his ex girlfriend of a long time "I fucked 7 girls while we were dating and they were all better than you" at which point he dumped her-his ex being a girl that was a good girl, didn't party, was completely faithful, loved him, etc.

I suppose I reacted strongly as I felt my advice was being completely ignored even with its good intentions though I'm thinking that you can't save everyone.

If I hadn't deleted her number, fb, etc. I would've warned the girl I called a slut to get tested. I mean that in all seriousness by the way. She also lied a couple times but beyond that I don't need to get into it as per you all's advice I need to quit focusing on something so insignificant.

I need to learn to break thought loops, I really do. I tried to cut myself off from typing all of that but its like my mind wouldn't shut up until I got that out there and even now, though I want to keep elaborating, I won't.

But yeah, to get back on track (my fault) ...

and thanks guys, this advice is great, keep it coming :)

What you guys have said thus far does make sense to me btw, I really appreciate it. I can be fairly hard-headed and think that I know everything but I hear this is fairly common for people my age.

I think with the e-crush, it developed into something much more than an e-crush and I really fell for her. I think my overreaction to her marriage is due to my strong feelings for her. I still think about her from time to time. We are sooo similar. She and her husband have strong differences, like she travelled out west to help with the marijuana harvest and yet he is in the military and doesn't like drugs.

Even if this thread dies down, I'll keep it bookmarked or w/e as a point of reference. This is something that has been building up inside of me for a long time now but it has only in the last few days broken into my headspace, fully apparent.
 
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First off it's good you have not got the bad side of the Oedipus Complex - you're going for sweet caring lasses, which is good.

I wholeheartedly agree with the others when I saw - let your hair down, and take some risks once in a while, be impulsive - get out the house! If you wanna meet some girls who you can share something real with - start your banter now. Talk to every woman as if you're attracted to them - flirt with them, and say hello to everyone on the street.

I was in exactly the same shoes as you when it came to women, until about 8 months ago...maybe a lil less - I was scared to talk to the most gorgeous women, which is stupid - they're just humans like me. If I just breathe, and accept I have butterflies in my stomach, and possibly fumble over my words if I'm talking too quickly when I speak to them, I know that I can be me around them and actually talk and get to know them...You can do exactly this my brother.

When it comes down to the E-crush - well, it was an e-crush right - as in online? why didnt you take it to the next level? Like meeting up, hanging out, dating, if you felt that way about what you'd already seen/known of her?

Take some risks in that field man. How's the rest of your life?
 
I suppose I reacted strongly as I felt my advice was being completely ignored even with its good intentions though I'm thinking that you can't save everyone.
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Failure to heed advice with good intent behind it does not make a person a bad person. We all do it. Most people on this board fail to heed well intended advice to abstain from drugs. (Not just the "moral" advice, but the well intended-and often correct- advice that drugs can have serious adverse physical health effects -like having sex with someone who has an STD-) In the end, we argue that it is our body, our choice, that we are willing to accept such a risk in the pursuit of our pleasure, like she did.

But yeah, I can see not wanting to be intimate with someone you think will hurt you... much like deciding not use drugs, or certain drug for the same reason.

Both choices are valid and morally the same.

I was in exactly the same shoes as you when it came to women, until about 8 months ago...maybe a lil less - I was scared to talk to the most gorgeous women, which is stupid - they're just humans like me. If I just breathe, and accept I have butterflies in my stomach, and possibly fumble over my words if I'm talking too quickly when I speak to them, I know that I can be me around them and actually talk and get to know them...You can do exactly this my brother.
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quoted for fucking truth, justice and all that! Might I also add... women can, and do, feel nervous talking to men. (or each ther, as do men) Just .go for it! Generally speaking, the worst possible outcome of taking to her is the same as the only possible outcome of not talking to her. However, going for it carries some possibility of a more positive outcome. Leading us to conclude that going for it is the better path of action.

I'd say also be more social in general. Go out with guys more often, talk to more guys, you'll make friends and improve your over all social skills. Go out with/hang out with females as non-romantic friends. Again, its fun, you'll improve your overall social skills, you'll improve your female specific social skills, and in both cases of hanging with guys or girls, you will have more encounters with 3rd party females, increasing your chances of meeting one that develops into a romantic situation.
 
I agree with what the others said, but also be aware that the one that appears to be pure and innocent or share the same values may have something to hide as well or the one you labelled a "slut" may have grown from those experiences of youth and be someone completely different in a year or two.
 
Seems like you need to meet some new people. Do something different. What are your hobbies? Maybe try something new?
Meeting new people, doing new things, that can really improve your social skills :)
 
B1tO'RoughJack said:
When it comes down to the E-crush - well, it was an e-crush right - as in online? why didnt you take it to the next level? Like meeting up, hanging out, dating, if you felt that way about what you'd already seen/known of her?

Take some risks in that field man. How's the rest of your life?
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E-Crush as in I met her while rolling. She was drunk but we made out, exchanged numbers and spoke everyday for a long, long while though she lived 2-2 1/2 hours away so I could never see her, we got fairly close, at least I did to her though it seemed as though she felt likewise. I finally contacted her last night after not talking to her for...wow, 9 months.

The rest of my life is alright actually. I have been making a lot of positive (imo) changes. I'm hoping my cognitive function will return after being battered by so much psychedelic use as well as synth blend use, mxe use and alcohol use. I did smoke all day/everyday for about 10 months until I had to quit due to getting in trouble.

I have decided on meeting new people. I think it will be a really positive thing for me. I'd like to meet more people with common interests beyond drug use. I want to meet people where I will form solid friendships that will exist even if the drug use isn't there. I have quite a few friends like that to where I moved, I've just been trying to protect myself emotionally from getting even more attached to them by hanging out with them less and travelling more on the weekends. I changed that today and hung out with these guys pretty much all day when I was done with class.

I think all that smoking for those 10 months left me permanently changed. I was definitely burnt out really badly and hated people in general for the most part. I'm going to try to get back out there, meeting people and stuff.

I am going to try to be calm and act like myself. I have decided to get more engaged in life as I think that will help my mind stay occupied and I might not be as anxious and depressed.

Back home, I use to hang out with people that seemed to really unhealthy friendships. Like one guy would only hang out with the group because he was so annoying that he had no other friends. One guy hung out-the shitty player-just because me and the egotistical dude generally got classier girls than he did and he wanted to steal them from us. I only really hung out because back in the day, the 4 of us weren't shitty. We all got along and had stupid adventures. The 4th guy got stuck up a girls ass several years ago and hasn't climbed down. She told him she cheated on him, she beats him, calls him names, etc. so we gave up on him after awhile.

I think I am just trying to hold on to my high school days. I need to work on letting them go for good. I wasn't popular in high school or anything, life just seemed a lot simpler and easier back then.

Now I'll be moving back to the city that the suburb I lived in was close to. Essentially, back home. I'm interested to see how it'll be. I'll be living on my own in an apartment while attending classes at a local community college until I get up enough credits to attend a state school.

I'm hoping that, on my own, I can make new friends, get hobbies and learn how to be a people person again. I use to be a social butterfly really. Even though I wasn't considered popular at all, I had no problem talking to people, meeting new people, having a good time and I just never worried about anything really.
 
lsd, it would appear that you already hold the answers to your questions, yourself; and seem very intune with who you are and what you want out of life. congratulations <3 that trait is somewhat rare, and with those fundamental tools, should have no problems at all in overcoming any previous lingering doubts due to negative feelings/experiences. rise above. :D good luck, and have fun meeting new people and exploring new possibilities.

...kytnism...:|
 
stop using. rely on nothing but your own mind.

find a new living situation. have you ever considered the dorms?

spend less time on the computer.(save it for those essays)

keep an open mind when it comes to "types" and "what you like"..you're still learning that right?
 
I'll be going to a community college so dorms aren't an option until I get into a state school. The spending less time on the computer makes a lot of sense to me man. I was thinking that I spend too much time on this thing. It got to the point where social interaction became such a big ordeal, I'd have rather been on my computer which was way less stressful and comforting in a way but I'm going to get away from that from now on. It should help with my attention span as well.
 
Logic, JMO, of course, but I think once you get away from living with the socially underdeveloped and negative people in your life, it will help boost your confidence levels. Growing up with certain people really takes a toll on a person. My mother wasn't a horrible person and had some good qualities, but she was insane, told us that we ruined her life, let married men come in the house and steal from us, gave these men all her money and let her kids live in squalor, told us stories about our dad for us to hate him, and generally drove my sister and I into tears every day of our lives until we finally got out.

Her actions made me paranoid, killed any self esteem I had, and made me nervous around everyone. After I got away from it all, I slowly started building my own self confidence, and getting away from her made me realize that I'm not the POS she always said I was.

This guy and your grandma are IMO the main crux of your problem. Kids need an environment that keeps them grounded, but also lets them grow as a person, and you can't do that when you live with people like that.

Just make sure when you finally get away from these people that you remember who you are and avoid the pitfalls that can turn a life of possibilities into nothing but a rut. You're a smart kid, and you have a ton of possibilities ahead of you. After you get yourself away from the negativity, get some confidence, and improve yourself, the confidence will naturally come with girls.
 
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