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My partner doesn't understand

A

amediocrity

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Mar 30, 2016
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43
Hey guys

So nearly two weeks ago I confessed to my fiancé about my problem with kratom. She was upset but didn't leave me like I thought she would. We'd been through this before with opiates so I thought she would have had enough of the lying to be honest.

I managed to stay clean for a torturous 10 days, but last night I caved and used a VERY small dose of kratom in some tea. I don't even quite know why. I think I just wanted five minutes of comfort.

The thing is, my mood has been so out of whack lately, which is to be expected, but she doesn't understand that. I've tried to explain to her how it works, but this morning she told me it has been over a week since I started withdrawling and I should be completely better now. She's basically bored waiting for me to be happy and back to my old self. She's also snapped at me, saying it is my fault I'm in this position and I have effectively chosen to ruin our relationship.

This is very frustrating and hurtful, not least because it means I don't feel I have an ally in her and it could well have contributed to my small relapse last night (which I didn't feel comfortable telling her about, obviously).

Is there anyway I can make her understand what it's like from my end? I know it must be tough for her too, I get that. I just can't help but feel I'm getting the worse end of the deal. I'm trying here, but I'm being made to feel guilty all the time.

Anyone else have any experience with this sort of thing???
 
Maybe she could get a better perspective of addiction/addict behavior and the withdrawal process by googling those subjects or even going to a nar-anon meeting? Good luck.
 
Many times people who have not experienced addiction first-hand have trouble understanding what you're going through. I've heard this one before "Why can't you snap out of it?" You can show her links about post acute withdrawals (Paws syndrome) Be patient with yourself and try to educate your fiancé the best you can. I'm going to move this to Sober Living. Hang in there!
 
Maybe this is a good thing. She doesn't sound very supportive. Ask yourself this if the roles where reversed how would you respond? the whole point of an engagement is too have a trial run of what life will be like after the marriage. Do you want to spend your life with someone who is not supportive regarding one of your biggest life issues?
 
cj said:
Maybe this is a good thing. She doesn't sound very supportive. Ask yourself this if the roles where reversed how would you respond? the whole point of an engagement is too have a trial run of what life will be like after the marriage. Do you want to spend your life with someone who is not supportive regarding one of your biggest life issues?
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This is exactly what I got out of the original post. If you value the relationship I would most definitely educate her on addiction. People that have never been addicted have no idea how it changes your mentality. It is so stigmatized that it is a moral failing that most non-addicts think there is something wrong with our souls, or that we are doing it to spite them in some way. (which is incredibly conceited if you think about it.) It truly is not that way.

If you want to get sober you are going to have to get a helpful understanding sober network...if she is acting that way, I would not include her in that. It is very easy to keep recovery separate from our loved ones, but it does make it a lot easier to have their support.
 
I actually think, in the long run, it is much easier to be open with our closest loved one(s) about our formative struggle(s). That said, it certainly is easy to give into defensiveness with our loved ones about our struggle(s). And when we cultivate secrecy and dishonest with our loved ones, we are cultivating fear in the place of cultivating love.

Trying to hide a moderately severe addiction from a partner is so incredibly difficult. It is only giving in to the desire to avoid the unpleasant, at times painful and challanging aspects of what opening up and getting vulnerable with your loved one(s) often accompanies coming out of the closet about your addiction(s).

Until we have a better hold on address the stigma surrounding addiction, it will always seem easier to hide stuff related to addiction from our significant other(s) than it will be towards opening the doors of our heart in the service of developing more compassion for one's own struggles as well as those of others.
 
Oh man, I know of this situation oh so well my friend.
I also had a kratom addiction, and I'm STILL not feeling 100%.
I'm glad you're hitting up meetings, that's what I do, I bring my girlfriend there so she sorta understands more.
It gets better each day though, I promise you. After about 2 weeks, you will start feeling A LOT better.
 
What I mean is you do not have to be secretive about recovery, basically just do not include them if they are detrimental to your recovery. I had to cut people out of my life until they understood why I am the way I am a little bit better. It was mostly the "Are you doing this because of me?" ethos that I couldn't do it. I would always say, "No it is quite conceited to think that you have that much power over my life. I am unable to cope with the way you treat me in a healthy manner, which is a problem on me."
 
Some really useful insight there. Thanks everyone.

The problem just seems to be growing. Before I went through the whole coming clean to my fiancé, going into withdrawal, coming out the other side with bad anxiety and depression debacle, I had agreed to a big night out with my fiancé and our friends. Because that's what kratom and alcohol fuelled and dependant me liked to do best. Now of course it's a totally different story.

So today my fiancé is all so we are still going out tonight yeah? And I told her I didn't really want to. Might be worth noting here that she knows about my kratom problem but not my alcohol problem (I quit both at the same time two weeks ago). Didn't tell her about the alcohol cos I didn't want to make the problem seem overwhelming. Anyway, I tell her I am feeling really anxious and don't feel a big night out when coming off kratom for well over a year is a good idea. She gets upset and pissed off and tells me I used to like doing things and I was really up for this night out before etc etc.

Am I being unreasonable here when I say that the key word in that sentence is BEFORE??? Before I decided to cut myself off from a drug that numbed any pain be it emotional or physical. Before I started suffering horrendous panic attacks and overwhelming feelings of depression. Before I made the active and positive choice of turning my life around and saying no to potentially harmful and addictive substances.
Yes, before all that of course I was up for a night out binge drinking!!

I don't understand how she can't understand?! I know she doesn't know about my alcohol abuse but isn't it obvious that being around any kind of drug isn't a very good idea for me right now? To be honest I feel like she is in denial. She refuses to let me call myself an addict. She has witnessed me drinking alcohol every evening for the past six months and hasn't twigged or said anything.

I just feel like if I'm not fun and happy then she's not interested. It's a bloody tough one because I know she does love me a lot, but what if that love isn't actually as pure and selfless as maybe it should be? Is this a red flag? Or am I being a dick?

Also, I am a female. We are in a same sex relationship. Not that that should make a difference but just thought I'd throw it out there!
 
P.S. It is so good to be able to talk on here. The support from you guys is EXACTLY what I need. You get it. You've been there. Some of you still are. Thankyou.
 
w0w0mg that makes me so happy to know you are in the same boat and that it does get better! Was feeling so alone, ugh, it's rough. But I know we will get there :)
 
First, I would like to agree with everyone's advice to continue with the openness and need for education for your fiance (maybe you could read books/listen to podcasts together?). Secondly I would like to express the reality from the other side (hers). Just as you wish her to be understanding and patient with all that your very courageous decision entails, you need to honor her reality as well. I have been the family member on the outside of a loved one's addiction. My emotions and my reactions to my emotions have been all over the map--from heroic and compassionate to ignorant and destructive--but no matter what they were, they came from the best understanding I had at the time. This is truly where education and support comes in. Most of the anger I felt came from not claiming my own boundaries and then resenting my son for the craziness of our lives. When I finally understood that I was in charge of my own craziness and that neither he nor his addiction was to blame,I could be much more supportive of him. Al-anon did help me with that but I will caution you that some members will be very dogmatic about boundaries, calling everything under the sun "enabling". That is why I recommend reading and educating yourself as much as possible about the nature of addiction, the stigma given particularly to drug addiction over all others and the particular complexity of the effects of the War on Drugs; that way you are armed to the gills when you encounter simplistic thinking that 12-step philosophy can sometimes lead to in people desperate for answers. Desperation makes us all vulnerable.

You have embarked on a courageous journey and no doubt you have much old stored up pain to untangle as you also are untangling the bonds of physical addiction and PAWs. It is not unreasonable to want support and understanding from your partner but be sure that you understand how important it is to also give her support and understanding for her feelings. People confuse support and understanding with "fixing" a problem. Mostly we all just need someone to listen without judgment. This is hardest for couples and for parent/child relationships because there is a blurring of the lines between self and other.
 
herbavore, you raise some really good points. Thanks for your helpful words of advice and insight. It can be a very difficult balance, trying to accommodate for the feelings of others whilst also attempting to protect your own (extremely fragile) emotions whilst going through withdrawal. I like to think I'm fairly self aware (hope so at least!) but my fiancé isn't particularly emotionally intelligent. Hopefully she will soften over time and maybe seek out some information on addiction on her own terms. I did tell her this evening during a brief chat about how she was feeling re my addiction that the information is available to her online if she does want to be educated. Lord knows I've done all I can to explain it to her, but she's one of those people who just can't seem to imagine being in someone else's shoes unless she's walked the exact same route. So it's hard to get her to understand the journey I'm on. That said, there's nothing stopping me from trying to join her on her own journey, even if she takes a little longer to join me on mine.
 
amediocrity said:
w0w0mg that makes me so happy to know you are in the same boat and that it does get better! Was feeling so alone, ugh, it's rough. But I know we will get there :)
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Hey, don't let her worry you so much. It's so hard to explain your feelings to someone who has not been in your shoes.
I know all too well about my girlfriend making me go out to social events that involve alcohol, and I just told her NO.
Of course, she doesn't understand, and gets angry. It seems like it's hurting my relationship a little bit, but I KNOW in the long run, the return is far better.

Like I said previously, take her to an open meeting, and just pour out your soul in that meeting, because for me, I don't tell my girlfriend how I really feel.
I mean, yeah, I tell her about my anxiety issues and depression, but she just doesn't understand it. She thinks - Oh you're detoxed you're cured!
No - it does not work like that. It takes time.

You're doing great, don't let ANYONE tell you other wise.
Stay strong, because I promise, it gets better.
Get a sponsor and build a network and CALL THEM.
They know what you're going thru and have so much great insight.

Stay positive my friend, you're doing fantastic, and you seem like you really want this.
Try to stay out of your head because that's when the anxiety starts to progress.
Keep busy, even when you're at home - watch a movie, it will get you out of your thoughts some.

Chin up. Much love to you.
If you EVER need to talk - I'm here, because I'm going thru the SAME EXACT thing.
 
It is good to be open. I second having her do some research...good research. There is a lot of crappy info out there, and we all know that operating on bad information can lead to bad situations.

The biggest thing is boundaries. You are both going to have to think about what you want out of your relationship. It is difficult, but in the end having a very good idea of what the other person needs will be incredibly helpful in the long run.

If you do not feel comfortable in a meeting setting letting go of all you have inside, there are couples therapists that are helpful. I actually had a woman from catholic charities come to my house so my ex and I could work on our shit together. I call it shit because that was what it was.

You're doing great, don't let ANYONE tell you other wise.
Stay strong, because I promise, it gets better.
Get a sponsor and build a network and CALL THEM.
They know what you're going thru and have so much great insight.

Stay positive my friend, you're doing fantastic, and you seem like you really want this.
Try to stay out of your head because that's when the anxiety starts to progress.
Keep busy, even when you're at home - watch a movie, it will get you out of your thoughts some.
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This is important.
 
"why don't you just quit? " thru my almost 2 decades of drug addiction, both hard drugs and alcoholism, I have found that most folk who ask this question do not understand that alcoholism /addiction IS A DISEASE. A very treatable one, but not curable. They need to understand that it is a thinking disease and it alters the brain. You can't help it, it is a lifelong battle. Some cases are tougher than others, but it is extremely rare that we beat it on the first shot.

In your case, you gotta dig down deep and find exactly what it is that was making you uncomfortable, and speak it over with your fiancee. She needs to understand addiction first of, so as it was suggested, educate her on it. Don't use this all as an excuse, that will likely piss her off. Just make sure she understands recovery is an ongoing process and that relapses are in fact a part of it. You need to work together.
 
Sorry it's taken me so long to reply but THANK YOU, from the bottom of my heart. These words have genuinely touched me! Still kratom and alcohol free, though a little too reliant on loperamide. Want to wean myself off that pretty sharpish. But otherwise, I'm sober as can be. Just got to keep it up now, and even if my partner never fully understands what it's taken me to get to the place I was in and to the place I'm at now, I know how much of an achievement it is, and so do you guys! Good luck to everyone else going through this. You are all amazing.
 
Be sure to try and wean your self off the lope when you can.
People have reported that lope has some nasty withdrawals.
I'm glad you're doing good my friend. Keep of the good work!
 
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