My only friend; the end..

[canucka]

i dont know if anyone has followed.. ive made several posts about my current situation in the past few months and how things have been getting worse and worse and worse and then even worse..
well.. if it hadnt hit the fan before.. it'd certaintly just did 6 days ago..

i woke up in the local hospital's psych ward with my dad and my sister by my side..
things had gotten so bad i attempted suicide.. the drugs hadnt killed me fast enough, so i slit my wrists.. but unfortunately, my dad found me and called 911 before i had the chance to die..

I just got released from the hospital and am on suicide watch.. my father checks in on me every 20 minutes.. the last thing i wanted to do was disappoint him.. he gave everything for me to have a good life and i pissed it all away..
the thought that i let him down was enough for me to make that ultimate decision to end it all.. hes been my only friend in my life and my hero and i feel like a fuckin failure in his eyes.. thinking about how i fucked everything up brings me to tears..
Im in hell, and i just want out.. i cant do this anymore..

It's like what lou reed sang about.. i wish i was born a thousand years ago..
this time isnt righ for me.. this life isnt right for me..
i have fucking noone.. thats why i turn to bluelight, even as im on the brink.. because i have fuckin noone..
i dont know what to say; i dont know what to do.. im at ropes end, man..
im in hell..

 

[Legerity]

You're not a failure to anybody! There's no such thing as being a failure to somebody because your life is yours to live and your decisions are your own.

If he is checking on your every 20 minutes then he is obviously concerned and cares about you. Don't beat yourself up about not meeting any supposed expectations that you think you must meet in your relationship. Have some compassion for yourself and the difficulties that you are going through.

You're fortunate to still be alive so now you have the opportunity to resolve whatever is causing so much pain. It may not be quick or easy but it's worthwhile and rewarding once you start to notice the changes in you. Just be patient with yourself and make self-care your priority

 

[shady4091]

Hey man, I'm sorry I haven't seen any of your other posts but this makes me sad. Don't think like you've let your dad down, you're still alive! Letting him down would be him losing you. I know it's rough dude, and I also know you don't want to hear that I know but I do. If you can't keep on trucking for yourself, do it for your dad. Think of it as something he would be proud of you for. Talk to him, and tell him exactly why you feel the way you do. I mean pour your fucking heart out to the point where you're both in tears. It could be a beautiful connection, and maybe something you need right now.

I'm not the best at doing the whole "cheer up bud" kinda thing, but I know what it feels like to have no one. At my worst I didn't have a friend in the world, and my family was hundreds of miles away. You need to pick up a hobby, join a support group, do something creative, or exercise. I know, easier said than done right? But you gotta try, it's the only way to get out of this funk. I know it's easier to dig down than up, but the harder you work, the more rewarding the end result.

I happen to currently be living in Cow Town as well (didn't think I'd find anyone else here), and soon this shitty cold ass weather will pass, spring will be in bloom, and things will change. Trust me man.

 

[Lysis]

canucka, I'm so sorry. I was in that situation a long time ago when I was 17. Your dad loves you. He isn't disappointed. He is worried. He loves you. Imagine if he committed suicide how bad you would feel. That is what he feels right now.

I know what it feels to have no one. There are times that we are just so down on ourselves, that it feels like no one is there, but it sounds like you and your dad are there for each other.

 

[Macee]

Keep at it, no matter how bad it seems. It seems like you've hit rock bottom. Well you can only improve from there, right?

You're dad doesn't see you as a failure. He might be upset and distraught that his child is going through this and might even blame himself a little. You say your dad has been your only friend in life and then say you have no one. what? You clearly have your dad.

Do you know what would make him really relieved and happy? If you stuck with it and got out of this hole. Can you imagine what that would be like? Most importantly, you will be happy and your dad can live easily not having to worry sick about you, because...he DOES care.
If you kill yourself, you will be inflicting so much pain onto them, I understand that you're in pain now, but like lysis said, how would it make you feel if your dad committed suicide?

Hang in there.

 

[dUncatchableDragon]

I understand and so do soooooo many others her. Most of us never intended for our lifes to be this way. Nor was it a goal. Its an ugly truth i/many share. Alone in your pain is a dark place, we unconsciencously islote and anyone evens dares join us we throw another foot up on the brick wall we have built to hid our shame in. That's cause that is how we feel others veiw us. They don't know who we were, where we came from, and most certainly never how we got here. Man yourdefinatly not alone. Each and every critic of this lifestyle is in constant judgement by society. With the celebs in the news and their unfortunate loses with their battles of self. Isolated in the deepest darkest self truths. We are our worst& most judgmental enemy. The power it has over us is like nothing else known to man, for self-desruction goes against life itself. We secretly destroy ourself saying to our selfs, I am not "that guy", or I'm a functional addict. I do my part in life. I work, I'm a mom, I'm still married , I'm educated. We don't steal, or sell to children, abuse or spouse. Some of us have storys that others couldn't imagine. We tell our self our reasons are valid. We admott to ourself, yes, we are addicts carefl not to let the neighbors in on the real us. The real us get burried lost in plastic of society.
Please if your still reading this you have made a few more moments in life. "This life is a crazy life", how true.

Just live in the moment for now. Aa says one day @ a time. That's just to over whelming for me to even dream of the whole long misrable day, especially cause I can't seem to escape ME. I am always there my brain rambles the shots. I am destroy any self worth I though I had frm within. The battle is silent , eye contact with the few people whom will see through my camelion skin. They must be avoided. They truley care about us. We can let them in, we love them. We have hurt them enough. I don't want to disapoint then again, we think. They belived in us and yep, we failed again.
That is why the just being in the moment is so helpful. This is the only place I can be at times. My past can not hurt me in the moment. Nor, can my future HAUNT me in the moment. If it is a bad place, well it just the moment and well, see its over. This is a new moment.
I guess what I'm trying to say to you; is try not get caught up in the BIG PICTURE or stuck in the should haves. Accecpt yourself for so many others secretley are in a battle silently right beside you. Its only a moment and it to shall pass.

From my heart to your, I'm sorry this is the moment your having right now, please don't get lost in it. You deserve better. You have fought this far my friend. You can actaully see you now. It doesn't hurt when we are numb and oblivious. That's why we choose to go there. You ARE ON THE RIGHT TRACK. The right track however hurts. Anything we don't have to fight for in life never bring true glory,, selfworth, honor, self respect like the fights within. Keep on keepin on, post your heart out cause here you do fit in and are NOT ALONE.

 

[webbykevin]

Rage ! Rage against the dying of the light.

 

[max_]

your dad only wants you to be happy. just keep going no matter what happens, you know he wants you to. You said it yourself, he gave everything for you to be where you are now (not in the hospital, but all grown up, and whatever else you do in your life). Your dad and your sister don't care about what you do: they just care about you, and you being ok with what you do. So i'll give you the same advise i gave one of my dearest friends while on your situation: SHUT THE HELL UP, KEEP ON WALKING AND IT'LL WASH OFF IN TIME.

good luck man

 

[paranoid android]

Live for yourself and live your life the way you want to live it. You can't live your life on anyone elses terms you have to live it for yourself and that is that. At the end of the day you only have to answer to yourself not anyone else. You must live up to your own expectations and not what anyone else imposes on you.

 

[max_]

Live for yourself and live your life the way you want to live it. You can't live your life on anyone elses terms you have to live it for yourself and that is that. At the end of the day you only have to answer to yourself not anyone else. You must live up to your own expectations and not what anyone else imposes on you.

yes, of course, but sometimes life's just too much. and it's a good thing to know your family is there for you. and sometimes you feel like you're not worth the effort of staying alive. but is good to know your family is there, and it's worth doing it for them, if you don't feel like doing it for you.

 

[canucka]

out of all the comments, strangely, dUncatchableDragon, made the most sense..why, i dont know..
i do have a past..
i have lost the love of my life a few years back.. it devastated me and fueled my drug use tenfold..
and im sure contributed a big part to where i am right now.. ,
then recently, my girlfriedn (2nd relationship ive ever been in) cheated on me with an old friend of mine and is now due about any day now with his kid..

my life has been a fuckin struggle since the get go..

And although my dad is perhaps the closest person to me in my life at the moment, it reall doesnt say much..
our relationship is strained and limited in many ways..
hes a heavy alcoholic and the only time we ever spend together is when hes drunk and im high.. yet because of that, there is still some strange unspoken bond -a comradery if you may-that we share between us..
we have both struggled our whole lives, yet we have struggled together..
its like.. we both understand eachother and the reasons for why the other abuses psychoactives, and so we dont judge nor say anythings about the other's problems...
my dad knows my past and why i use, and he understands..
although i think since this last week when i slit my wrists.. hes suddenly paniced in fear of losing me.. and i dunno.. im still feel hopelessly lost and lonely..
i dunno if i canpush through all this pain.. ive been through so much, more than the richest people in the world.. yet i have nothing but pain.. im mentally ill and have been homeless and IV heroin addict.. what future do i honestly have????

 

[dilated_pupils]

but unfortunately, my dad found me and called 911 before i had the chance to die..

...I just got released from the hospital and am on suicide watch.. my father checks in on me every 20 minutes.. the last thing i wanted to do was disappoint him.. he gave everything for me to have a good life and i pissed it all away..
the thought that i let him down was enough for me to make that ultimate decision to end it all.. hes been my only friend in my life and my hero and i feel like a fuckin failure in his eyes.. thinking about how i fucked everything up brings me to tears..
Im in hell, and i just want out.. i cant do this anymore..

Well man I understand your frustration with life... it isn't easy but once you get to a good baseline things just get better.

I was in your position before, although I didn't slit my wrists, I took enough pills to kill off a whole family of people and somehow survived. That was a suicide watch, few day coma, and basically hell for those I loved.

You should take a look at my old (2006-2007) TDS threads, I think you'll relate a lot to them and right now I'm doing better then I ever thought possible.

My life motto now: Today is my new rock bottom, I wont go below my rock bottom, so tomorrow is going to be better.

&

Take positive things from all experiences. Obviously you survived for a reason; I sectioned off the 'unfortunately' part specifically because I'm hoping you meant 'fortunately.'

I was found just in the nic-o-time myself, and was told by 4+ doctors while in the ICU that I should be dead, or at the very least on dialysis the rest of my life -- somehow I walked out fine. That was one of a few, and let me tell you trying to kill yourself and not succeeding is just going to put you in a place worse off than where you started, so if you are going to kill yourself, you will do so.

Feel free to PM me, and good luck.

-dp

 

[KeepingThingsReal]

Think about it!

Switch shoes in your mind. Pretend you are a father, and you have a son. He is depressed and wants to commit suicide. You are his only hope. You would help him out! Do not do this to yourself. We all have ups and downs. He loves you. You love him. Talk to him about it. I'm sure he will be there for you

Feel free to hit me up if you're kind of down, we all know how it feels.

Best hopes!

 

[skillz~4~thrillz]

loving yourself and living life-YOUR life,for you because YOU DESERVE IT is not only healing,but empowering. If you cannot love who you are,you will never truly love others.and they will never be able to love you for who you are-all of you. KNOW that you have a right to be free from the chains of guilt that inexorably confines the spirit. you are life. you are beautiful.you are here. and until you can love yourself,strangers such as myself will love you and will continue to love you all the more when you have learned to love yourself. it is a learning process and it does not happen over night. tread lightly on yourself. you are human.all your pain and suffering adds to the beauty that is you. and your father obviously loves you or he would not bother to check on you at all.lean on him. i promise you that as long as you strive to better yourself and your life,your father will be proud and he will draw upon your strength when life gets him down.we all struggle and make mistakes. nothing has been pissed away. suicide is pissing everything away. as long as you draw breath you have the chance to change the things in life that weigh on your spirit. i know where you are. i have been there. but even in the winter of our discontent,we can still hold tight to hope.to love.to life.
your life can save another.your pain can be the shoulder another lost soul desperately needs to cry upon one day. i know this because i am this. it took me 34 years to get here but it was worth every step into hell and back out again. you are a fighter. if you were not you would not reach out. that is what bluelight is here for. you are amongst kindred spirits. take the love and support that is freely given an let it carry you.




Desiderata
~by Max Ehrmann

Go placidly amid the noise and haste,
and remember what peace there may be in silence.
As far as possible without surrender
be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly;
and listen to others,
even the dull and the ignorant;
they too have their story.

Avoid loud and aggressive persons,
they are vexations to the spirit.
If you compare yourself with others,
you may become vain and bitter;
for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.
Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.

Keep interested in your own career, however humble;
it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.
Exercise caution in your business affairs;
for the world is full of trickery.
But let this not blind you to what virtue there is;
many persons strive for high ideals;
and everywhere life is full of heroism.

Be yourself.
Especially, do not feign affection.
Neither be cynical about love;
for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment
it is as perennial as the grass.

Take kindly the counsel of the years,
gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.
But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.
Beyond a wholesome discipline,
be gentle with yourself.

You are a child of the universe,
no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you,
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Therefore be at peace with God,
whatever you conceive Him to be,
and whatever your labors and aspirations,
in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul.

With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams,
it is still a beautiful world.
Be cheerful.
Strive to be happy.

Max Ehrmann, Desiderata, Copyright 1952.

hope this helps.
believe in yourself.i do. and from the looks of it a lot more people believe in you than you realize.just go back and reread these posts.bluelight saved my life.so stick around and give yourself the same opportunity.and one day you can experience the beauty in paying forward...if that is what you choose. it is YOUR life. LIVE IT!!!


much peace and love................skillz

 

[.Lucid.]

Hey man I just saw this post.. I wish you got in touch with me before this! im at work right now but im gonna message you tomorrow so we can talk ok? Hang in there man