my mother's advice.

[iLoveYouWithaKnife]

The best thing I could have ever done
was to kick that useless scumbag
out of my life, for the final time.

I couldn't put up with it any longer.
For a long time I was so down that
getting away from him wasn't
even a thought in my mind.

I put so much time and
so much of my energy in him
that I lost myself.
I disappeared.
I was non-exsistant.

It took hearing my mother say to me
Every night when I'm about to go to sleep, I pray that one of my girls would just meet a really great guy."

I couldn't make her sad anymore.
And fuck!
What the hell was I thinking?
I don't take shit from anyone!
Right???
Wasn't that the kind of person I used to be?
He changed me so much.
Like my mother said from the start
it just seems to me that he brings out the worst in you.

And now that his memory is fading
from my mind,
more and more every single day,
I'm left once again trying
to pick up the pieces and learn
where to place them
to make my puzzle complete.

It came to a point
where I decided that there was nothing
in this world that I could do
that would stop the mental
and physical abuse
the drunken rages
where all of my shit would get smashed
and scattered across our apartment floor,
and all the name calling,
the paying for everything-
except for one thing...
And that would be to stop loving him.

So what now???
I think to myself that I will not
go through this again.
Not because I'm scared or scarred
but because I don't believe that there
will be anyone on this planet that will
be able to hurt me like that again.

I'm not bitter or angry.
And just like that last time I told him
the final time he came to my work to see me-
to say goodbye or whatever-
I just kind of want to forget this all happened. No hard feelings.

And when he extended his arms for a hug-
It would be the last thing I would give him.
He told me he loved me.
I didn't say a word.
Because I didn't love him anymore.
And actually at that moment in time
I wanted to punch him dead in the jaw-
because even at our last moment
he still looked me in the eye
and lied start to my face.
Piece of shit....
He must have gotten the word
you confused with
(i love) to ruin your life.

For the time being I was content
with the false feelings
and chisling more notches
in the bed post.
No hassles. No headaches.

But I met someone.
I have known him for about four years.
But we just recently started to hang out on the
"i think I like you" level.

Only we are both trying to act as thought we don't-
Why? Why??
Well because nothing ever wonderful ever
works out for me. That why!
And he's moving across country.

I could go on and on
about his wonderful characteristics
but I'm to preoccupied
with hearts breaking.

The third day we hung out
I kissed him.
We kissed for a while.
I asked him why he didn't kiss me first.
He said I don't want to miss you.
So on the third day I knew-
feelings were going to be involved-
wanted or unwanted.

Heartbreak happens.
Love and life come hand in hand.
It's all irrelevant in the end.
But I have to say hands down
I'd prefer to have my heart broken
by an individual who truly cares about me-

Then to have my heart broken
numerous times by an asshole-
along with all of the only material
possessions I own-
stripping me away to nothing-
and making my poor mother cry
and pray every night.

Life is way to fucking short
to be erasing memories.
I need to make some good ones.
Even if that means opening up
to be let down again.


to be continued.......