My mother isn't doing so well.

[zombiesarepeaceful]

I haven't been around in awhile, but I need some advice, or something.

My mother has been diabetic for 21 years. She has never taken care of herself. On top of that she has many mental issues and is abusive and we've never really had a proper mother/son relationship. Trying to talk to her is impossible, she's in her own little world mentally. She's never sought mental help and I don't even know "who" she is as a person because for as long as I can remember she's been mental. My childhood was a nightmare but I got through it thanks to my grandma. Her and my gma raised me and my gma was more of a mother to me than anyone, but my gma died when I was 17. I'm 21 now.

I used to wish my mother would die because of the things she did to me and the way she's never been "there" mentally. She went into a diabetic coma when I was 13. I honestly didn't care if she died then but she lived. She still didn't take care of herself after that incident. When I was 18, I moved out of her house and never looked back. Barely contacted her. She called me at the beginning of march telling me she thinks she had a stroke. I told her to go to the hospital. I live too far away and don't have a good enough car or gas money to be driving to see her and it fucks with me emotionally to see her. I didn't hear from her all month so I called her last night. She sounds horrible. Her speech has been affected. She can't walk properly or do alot of things she said. She says she hasn't left the house all month. I'm worried about her cat who lives with her, I worry that he's not being taken care of. I have always had my walls up with her to the point that I don't feel any sort of emotion for her, but right now I'm hurting. I'm scared. I feel lost. I don't know what to do. She cried for me to go with her to the hospital but I can't. I'm starting a new job monday where I'll be on the road and I won't even be around if the hospital did call me.

I hate my mother's guts honestly. I mean I guess I do. I know I should love her cause she's my mother but she has never been there at all. She was only abusive, ever. I don't even know who she is inside. Who she really is, is buried under ten feet of mental illness. I'm worried that she is going to die because she won't go to the hospital for the stroke she's had. She's not in good health to begin with, she has so much wrong with her as a result of not taking care of her diabetes. I think she's getting to the point where she can't take care of herself but I can't really do anything about it, and I feel guilty.

I really need a friend right now but I don't know who to turn to, I have no one who I'm super close to. I don't want to be alone right now because mentally I'm fucked, I've been having horrible panic attacks and drinking all the time just to calm down. I feel embarrassed for telling people IRL how I feel and shit and frankly, who really wants to listen. I feel guilty, like I should be able to handle this on my own.

 

[Missykins]

Sometimes you just have to be an adult about things, recognize that your parents are fallible, and forgive them. How will you feel if your mother dies and you've acted this way?

She sounds very sick and has no one to care for her. This doesn't mean that you have to be the one to care for her, but getting Social Services involved where nursing care and meal delivery could come to her home would be a good idea.

Do you have any siblings?

 

[zombiesarepeaceful]

No, I'm an only child

 

[Missykins]

No, I'm an only child

Does your mother have any siblings?

 

[Dave]

In the end, if you don't have the means to see her, then you don't have the means to see her. She does need to go to a hospital though-- would it be possible for you to call an ambulance for her or something? If she's had an untreated stroke for THAT long, well, whatever damage that will be done has been, but she could be rehabilitated somewhat if she had the right care.

One thing to remember, regarding your relationship with her: forgiveness has nothing to do with the person being forgiven, only the person who is forgiving. It can be hard at first, but remember that by forgiving her you are not condoning her actions, but rather are letting go of the past so that you can stop it from hurting you further. When a parent becomes gravely ill, this can often act as a catalyst for such forgiveness-- it was for my mother, for example. Her father was horribly abusive to her as a child, and treated her like crap as an adult. But he wound up with Alzheimer's, and because she was the only family he had in town, she became is caregiver/took power of attorney. It was spectacularly hard-- she had spent much of her life getting him away from her, and now she was forced to deal with him again. The thing is, he wasn't the same person any more; just a broken shell of a man who bore a little physical resemblance to her father. In the end, she realized that holding a grudge against someone so broken and unaware was futile and self-destructive, and while it took her the better part of a year, she was eventually able to forgive him. His eventual passing, two years later, was easier, because she didn't have any of that baggage any longer.

I'm not saying that's what you should do, or anything like that. It's just that your situation reminded me of hers, and perhaps you could get something out of hearing how she dealt with it.

 

[zombiesarepeaceful]

Does your mother have any siblings?

Nope....the only family she had was my grandmother, who is dead.

 

[ihatepipes]

I haven't been around in awhile, but I need some advice, or something.

My mother has been diabetic for 21 years. She has never taken care of herself. On top of that she has many mental issues and is abusive and we've never really had a proper mother/son relationship. Trying to talk to her is impossible, she's in her own little world mentally. She's never sought mental help and I don't even know "who" she is as a person because for as long as I can remember she's been mental. My childhood was a nightmare but I got through it thanks to my grandma. Her and my gma raised me and my gma was more of a mother to me than anyone, but my gma died when I was 17. I'm 21 now.

I used to wish my mother would die because of the things she did to me and the way she's never been "there" mentally. She went into a diabetic coma when I was 13. I honestly didn't care if she died then but she lived. She still didn't take care of herself after that incident. When I was 18, I moved out of her house and never looked back. Barely contacted her. She called me at the beginning of march telling me she thinks she had a stroke. I told her to go to the hospital. I live too far away and don't have a good enough car or gas money to be driving to see her and it fucks with me emotionally to see her. I didn't hear from her all month so I called her last night. She sounds horrible. Her speech has been affected. She can't walk properly or do alot of things she said. She says she hasn't left the house all month. I'm worried about her cat who lives with her, I worry that he's not being taken care of. I have always had my walls up with her to the point that I don't feel any sort of emotion for her, but right now I'm hurting. I'm scared. I feel lost. I don't know what to do. She cried for me to go with her to the hospital but I can't. I'm starting a new job monday where I'll be on the road and I won't even be around if the hospital did call me.

I hate my mother's guts honestly. I mean I guess I do. I know I should love her cause she's my mother but she has never been there at all. She was only abusive, ever. I don't even know who she is inside. Who she really is, is buried under ten feet of mental illness. I'm worried that she is going to die because she won't go to the hospital for the stroke she's had. She's not in good health to begin with, she has so much wrong with her as a result of not taking care of her diabetes. I think she's getting to the point where she can't take care of herself but I can't really do anything about it, and I feel guilty.

I really need a friend right now but I don't know who to turn to, I have no one who I'm super close to. I don't want to be alone right now because mentally I'm fucked, I've been having horrible panic attacks and drinking all the time just to calm down. I feel embarrassed for telling people IRL how I feel and shit and frankly, who really wants to listen. I feel guilty, like I should be able to handle this on my own.

I'm sorry to hear about your rough (probably an understatement) childhood. I'm also sorry that you feel isolated I know how that can be. It seems that a big part of your issue is that you are torn about how to respond to your mother.

I am going to give you the best advice that I know and others will probably agree with me...

Do what your heart tells you to do! I have found that when I follow the direction of my heart I rarely regret the action that I took in response to the situation. It doesn't matter what happened then it is what YOU have to live with the rest of your life.

Don't misunderstand me, I am not telling you that the right thing to do is go with your mother. I am only telling you that it is not easy learning to live with regrets. So think long and hard about it (as much as your schedule will allow) and do whatever you will not regret 10 years from now.

If you need people to talk to you are in the right place.

 

[Miss Kirsty]

I think Loving her because she is your mum, just dosent work...Mother is a name..You have to be a mum...Being a mother is far far more than "pushing a baby out"..Just doing that does NOT make you a mum...Being a mum means "Being a mum"...Im not being very clear about what i mean, sorry...

Im trying to say, Dont feel you have to love her because she fell preggers with you and popped you out!...That just means she has female organs and can re-produce...Being a mum is a life long job..And starts when you are pregnant...It dosent sound like she has done much for you mate, unfortunately...It sounds as though she has been dead to you along time now...You might even feel that you would rather mum die instead of your gma...Your Gma has shown you the love your ma didnt..
Its ok Op to feel that way if you do....You didnt choose to have these feeling mate...Its not your fault and you are intitled to feel the way you want...
Its not your mums fault entirely either, she needs help...But Missy has a great point of getting people involved to help her...You are too far away and not in the right emotional space to do so......Also forgiving someone doesnt mean you are forgetting what she did OR that you are condoning her actions with what she did...It is more for your benefit that you forgive her, than for mums benefit...It may help you alot, to forgive...BUT not forget...Hope that helps mate and good luck, just remember...YOUR LIFE IS YOURS NOW!!!