I apologize for not understanding which forum to post this in. It's simply a story of what I have experienced in the last year or so.
My poor Mom was diagnosed with lung cancer late 2010 (Stage 3). She also had COPD (emphysema) for many years without telling her family, including me and her husband. When diagnosed with cancer, she absolutely wanted to refuse chemo and radiation therapy and the tumors were inoperable. Everyone told her to take the doctors' advice, with hopes that we can cure it, or at least stop the growth. I went along with everyone else and told her I wanted her to go ahead with the treatment regimens the doctors recommended. She made it clear that she is only doing it because I told her to and she trusted my judgment. She put all her faith in me, her only son.
The "treatments" were god awful in terms of affecting her health. She couldn't eat and looked miserable. After the treatment protocol, she was in and out of the ER on a regular basis. She was constantly short of breath, sometimes dehydrated, getting infections, etc. It was honestly very hard and agonizing to even see her experience all of this. Her condition progressively got worse and her final 10 days were spent in the ICU, on 70 or so liters of oxygen, but her O2 saturation was 80% at best, but went down to ~40% whenever she coughed. 99% is normal for most people for those who don't know.
I (and her lung doctor) think the radiation exacerbated her condition severely. Her lungs were scarred so badly she simply couldn't absorb the oxygen. It was truly agonizing to even watch her go through this, not to mention how awful she must have felt. She died about 10 months after the initial diagnosis at 59 years old. She tried so hard to survive and I think was in denial still even though the doctors said she will die at any time. They were even perplexed that she made it as long as she did.
Before her death, she mentioned a few times that my advice is what led to this outcome. I still feel very guilty for this, even though everyone has told me it is not my fault, and that we can only do our best with current medical knowledge. I know she didn't want me to feel guilty or sad, but that is how I remember it. With all this in mind, and trying to be reasonable, I still feel directly responsible for shortening her life. The guilt and memories of her struggle are still tearing me apart. I can't remember the last time I cried prior to all this, but I now do so on a regular basis, including right now.
I try to look at the bright side and realize that I at least had the chance to spend 10-12 hours per day with her during her last 10 days of life in the hospital. Some people have to deal with sudden, unexpected death so I suppose I'm lucky in that sense. I also was her caregiver before that and did everything for her. For that, I feel very fortunate and privileged to have those memories. However, I think this grief will last a lifetime because she was truly the most important person in my life. I miss her so much.
Her final wish to me was that I succeed in life and be happy. Initially, I tried to numb the pain by abusing benzos 5+ mg Xanax or 150 mg Restoril daily, and drinking way too much on top of it. Luckily I never got into any trouble and was able to taper using Valium, and was fortunate enough to detox the alcohol using Librium, which is now complete. Now that is all finished, and I'll be in therapy with groups and counseling. I look forward to taking part in healthy grieving so it's hopefully not so painful in the future. One doctor told me to write a letter to her and express my feelings for her and myself. Save it and read it from time to time. I think this can be very therapeutic and intend to do so shortly. She was a wonderful mother and struggled to do the best for her children, and I really, really miss her dearly.
Please rest in peace, Mommy. And thank you all for lending an ear, bluelighters.
My poor Mom was diagnosed with lung cancer late 2010 (Stage 3). She also had COPD (emphysema) for many years without telling her family, including me and her husband. When diagnosed with cancer, she absolutely wanted to refuse chemo and radiation therapy and the tumors were inoperable. Everyone told her to take the doctors' advice, with hopes that we can cure it, or at least stop the growth. I went along with everyone else and told her I wanted her to go ahead with the treatment regimens the doctors recommended. She made it clear that she is only doing it because I told her to and she trusted my judgment. She put all her faith in me, her only son.
The "treatments" were god awful in terms of affecting her health. She couldn't eat and looked miserable. After the treatment protocol, she was in and out of the ER on a regular basis. She was constantly short of breath, sometimes dehydrated, getting infections, etc. It was honestly very hard and agonizing to even see her experience all of this. Her condition progressively got worse and her final 10 days were spent in the ICU, on 70 or so liters of oxygen, but her O2 saturation was 80% at best, but went down to ~40% whenever she coughed. 99% is normal for most people for those who don't know.
I (and her lung doctor) think the radiation exacerbated her condition severely. Her lungs were scarred so badly she simply couldn't absorb the oxygen. It was truly agonizing to even watch her go through this, not to mention how awful she must have felt. She died about 10 months after the initial diagnosis at 59 years old. She tried so hard to survive and I think was in denial still even though the doctors said she will die at any time. They were even perplexed that she made it as long as she did.
Before her death, she mentioned a few times that my advice is what led to this outcome. I still feel very guilty for this, even though everyone has told me it is not my fault, and that we can only do our best with current medical knowledge. I know she didn't want me to feel guilty or sad, but that is how I remember it. With all this in mind, and trying to be reasonable, I still feel directly responsible for shortening her life. The guilt and memories of her struggle are still tearing me apart. I can't remember the last time I cried prior to all this, but I now do so on a regular basis, including right now.
I try to look at the bright side and realize that I at least had the chance to spend 10-12 hours per day with her during her last 10 days of life in the hospital. Some people have to deal with sudden, unexpected death so I suppose I'm lucky in that sense. I also was her caregiver before that and did everything for her. For that, I feel very fortunate and privileged to have those memories. However, I think this grief will last a lifetime because she was truly the most important person in my life. I miss her so much.
Her final wish to me was that I succeed in life and be happy. Initially, I tried to numb the pain by abusing benzos 5+ mg Xanax or 150 mg Restoril daily, and drinking way too much on top of it. Luckily I never got into any trouble and was able to taper using Valium, and was fortunate enough to detox the alcohol using Librium, which is now complete. Now that is all finished, and I'll be in therapy with groups and counseling. I look forward to taking part in healthy grieving so it's hopefully not so painful in the future. One doctor told me to write a letter to her and express my feelings for her and myself. Save it and read it from time to time. I think this can be very therapeutic and intend to do so shortly. She was a wonderful mother and struggled to do the best for her children, and I really, really miss her dearly.
Please rest in peace, Mommy. And thank you all for lending an ear, bluelighters.
