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My life

kleinerkiffer

kleinerkiffer

Bluelight Crew
Joined
Dec 9, 2012
Messages
5,702
Location
Germany
I don’t want to live anymore
But I don’t want to die either
There are a few who would grief
But even one broken heart is too much
So I kill myself slowly
With everything I can get my hands on
Every drag I take, I lose a minute of life
Every line I sniff, I lose an hour
Every pill I take, I lose a day
With every bottle of vodka, I lose a week, some brain cells and my last bit of hope
With every hit, mushroom or microdot, I lose even more of my sanity
And with every syringe, I lose my self-respect
But I don’t care
This socially accepted suicide is all I want
Just feel nothing,
Be numb
With every drug I take
I steel happiness of tomorrow
Hoping that nobody notices
But karma kicks my ass every time
So I wake up covered in sweat
Shaking uncontrollably
Trying to scratch of my human body
With every other cigarette, hit and sip
I steal future happiness
Emptying my supply rapidly
Feeding the addiction
Feeding my depression
Feeding my desire to die
Repeating this never ending circle
Over and over again
The drug induced happiness decreases
While my dosage increases
But that’s all I want
That’s my life


Tips to improve my style of writing are appreciated :)
 
Nothing ? Even if you tell me that I need to improve my english, before writing another poem i would be content. Main thing is something, so I can improve my writing. :)
 
i think by writing and reading you'll improve your english drastically. your writing style is a bit simplistic but it gets the point you're trying to make well enough.
 
I like it. The first half is stronger, up to around the word "numb."

It needs a spell check and a good edit or two. As an early draft, I see potential. It's relatively simplistic, as sexxxyyy noted. But that's not a bad thing, necessarily. Simple works for this piece. It's powerful. But, it could be better.

I'm happy to give it a "suggested edit" for you, if you like, to show you how I might go about the drafting process. No obligation to listen to use the edit or put any weight on what I have to say. When asking people for advice on writing, it's best to remain both open and reserved about others opinions. Some people will give you bad advice. So, don't believe every response. Some people flat out won't understand your work. Or it might not be their cup of tea. I don't read mainstream novelists. Some people love that shit. I don't listen to disco music either. So if somebody asked for my critical advice, I wouldn't have the required familiarity/understanding of the niche/genre to provide anything remotely useful.

There's not that much traffic on Words at this time of the year. Lots of people are at festivals or with their families or away on holidays. I was thinking of attempting another workshop thread, though, if you're interested. Focused on poetry this time, though. I'll be starting a thread about it in the next day or so, in a couple of different sub-forums to determine whether or not there's enough bluelighters interested in the idea.

I'm rambling.

Sorry.

I've been injecting meth.

:)

Merry Christmas!

(I'll tell Jesus you said Happy Birthday.)
 
xxxyyy, thanks alot for your response, how are you ? Hope you are doing well :)
foreverafter, you liking my poem means alot for me, i really like all of your work, when will we be able to read another junk mail ? a suggested edit would be great, i would love to see your corrections :)
another workshop would be great too
Happy new year :D
 
Tomorrow Mourning

Don’t want to live, but I can’t die either
One grieving heart is one too many

So I kill myself, slowly
With everything I can get my hands on
With every drag, I lose a minute
With every line, an hour
With every pill, a day

My sanity,
Slipping with every mushroom

Every syringe,
Scarring my self-respect

I don’t care, though

One day,
I will feel nothing

Until then,
I remain numb…


* * * * * * *


I obey my addictions
And feed my depression

I steal tomorrow’s happiness,
Hoping the future won’t notice

Still, Karma kicks my ass

Every morning, I wake shaking and sweating
Trying to scratch away skin and bone

And, from there, the cycle repeats itself
Obeying addiction and feeding depression

* * * * * * *

I steal from the future, until there is no tomorrow
Losing myself, piece by piece, as my dose increases

With every drag, I lose a minute
With every line, I lose an hour
With every pill, I lose a day

This,
Is my life.
 
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It's not a great edit. I don't like the "karma kicking my ass line", but I didn't know how to fix it. Hopefully it gives you a direction or two, to take the poem, anyway. Breaking poems up into stanzas (or "chunks") generally improves readability.

Some of the word-choices/ symbolism/ imagery/ and metaphorical language is good. I particularly like the idea of stealing from tomorrow. It's a beautiful concept, with lots of potential to expand upon sub-textually. I would encourage you to use more abstract/poetic devices and express yourself between the lines a little bit more. Nothing too drastic. Just to give the poem a sense of completeness and to tie everything together.

The poem should have a number of beginnings middles and ends. Three, at least. The first is obvious: first word, middle word, and last world; structural. The second: metaphorical/sub-textual. And, the third: literal.

Your "sub-textual narrative" doesn't have a beginning middle and end. That is, you established the abstract idea "stealing from tomorrow", but you didn't follow it through to an ending (a conclusive statement). This is why I re-arranged the poem and returned to the "future theft" at the end of the poem.

The structural end is there (pretty unavoidable, when typed on a computer) and the literal end is there. "This, is my life." I've made a quick attempt to tie up the sub-textual with the line, "I steal from the future, until there is no tomorrow."

Poems should REALLY tie together well, unless you're intentionally going for a jarring disjointed piece. Sometimes stuff that people post on Words reads like two or three different poems, sewn haphazardly together. I often tell people to split their poetry up into a couple of small poems. This, however, doesn't need to be chopped I don't think. Thematically and stylistically it is consistent. There is enough focus on what you're trying to say. And few tangential departures.

Still, I think it needs more identity and focus.

Write down (for yourself) what you meant to achieve/express with the poem. Then pick out your favourite words, or compositions thereof. Next, work out what you like about them as opposed to other words/lines. Think beyond aesthetics. And start to develop an image of the poem. Beyond what you're trying to express. Find it's personality, and nurture it.

Hrm, I'm rambling again.

(Meth, you know?)

:)
 
I liked the poem and hope that if it reflects your feelings, that you look for happiness in your life and future. As far as the wording in the third stanza you say that "There are few who would grief" The word "grieve" would be proper meaning "to suffer grief." Or you could say "There are few who would show grief." And later where you say "Trying to scratch of my human body" is improper. You could leave out the word "of." Unless your trying to phrase this sentence in a manner that I can't see.

I liked you're-write ForEverAfter.
 
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I believe "of" was a typo. That's how I read it, anyway, cause "off" makes a lot more sense in context.

I really like that line, or the image that came with it. Which was: a man trying to scratch his entire presence away. Like the withdrawals are so bad, or the H-itch has become unbearable, leading him to rip his body to shreds with his fingernails.

But, yes, the line wasn't quite right. Nor is it much better in my re-write.

Good line. Don't cut it. Just needs some serious tweaking (not meth).
 
@ 4EA I really like your editing and I appreciate your help, i will try to follwo your guideline asap and edit it, thanks a lot for taking the time and help me :)
@ Shadowsblaze Thanks for your comment and for the explanation of "grieve" in this context, should have paid more attention in my english classes :D
yeah "of" was a typo
 
No problem bro an I agree with 4EA that the second line discussed was probably deeper in thought than I read it as. All in all a nice job especially for being a second language. I can't imagine trying to translate in my head from one to the next unless you think in the second language. Waiting for more.
 
Shadowsblaze said:
No problem bro an I agree with 4EA that the second line discussed was probably deeper in thought than I read it as. All in all a nice job especially for being a second language. I can't imagine trying to translate in my head from one to the next unless you think in the second language. Waiting for more.
Click to expand...
thanks man, it's not that hard cause I normally think in english when I'm writing stuff, but things like proverbs and grammatic structure are sometimes hard for me, but I'm still in school to improve my english :D
 
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