my life with depression, ssri and benzos

[sogno]

I suffered of depression for years so I decided to seek help. The doctor prescribed me zoloft 50mg, zyprexa and lorazepam 2mg. It's been a year since I'm taking them everyday. To be honest they were helpful in the first period but now I feel they are doing more harm than good.
Before taking these meds I have had a lot of bad mood moments but also a lot of very good moments. I enjoyed playing billiards, staying with friends, etc. Now I feel almost emotionless.
I feel like my memory is worse than before, I lost count of how many times I forgot where I parked my car, or the things I lost. I feel more stupid or less mentally reactive than before. Also benzos wds ( when for some reason I can't take my lorazepam) are terrible.
Also at 10pm I feel very tired like I run a maraton. I asked my doc to quit and the guy got angry saying I can't quit now because it's too early and "because you are getting better and you are scared of it". I felt like a piece of shit.
I want to quit using these meds because I feel I could get better but I'm also scared because I don't want to experience again the horrible depression I had.
I'm 24 years old and I quit drinking, smoking weed or using other drugs. I exercise and drink a lot of water. Just to say I'm doing an healthy life at the moment.
Could somebody give me some advice? Can somebody share similar experiences?
Thank you and sorry for my bad english.

 

[Rybee]

I was in your position when I was 21, lost 18 months of my life due to SSRI's. Coming off of that shit was the best thing I've ever done. I still don't feel right (25 now), but at least I feel something...

 

[sogno]

I was in your position when I was 21, lost 18 months of my life due to SSRI's. Coming off of that shit was the best thing I've ever done. I still don't feel right (25 now), but at least I feel something...

Did you feel the same effects I described? Like more emotion impaired, less mentally reactive?
What you mean with "I don't feel right"? Thank you for your reply

 

[painenduser]

Hi Sogno,

Welcome to Bluelight! While I am really sorry to hear the position your in, I am very happy that you came here and you are expressing your feelings in order to get some feedback from your peers. Sometimes I find by talking with your peers over the "professionals" can really be far more help than the ones you pay your $$ to. Also, I apologize for what follows next as it may seem rather impersonal or something but it's just a CYA, I am sure you can understand

***Since there are couple things that I may say that could contradict your doctor as well as some other professionals, however neither I nor Bluelight can be held responsible for any decisions made based on anything in this thread. I am not a Doctor by any means and I certainly do not claim to have any formal background with Psychiatry, mental illness, or anything like that. I speak on strictly my personal experiences as well as published documents and personal stories shared with me. I also do bring with me over 20 years experience in the medical field as an EMT and Medical Administrator.***

So I can definitely relate, I myself have had similar issues with being prescribed a "cocktail" of meds from my Psychiatrist and then having that "empty" feeling. I like your alive but your not living... It sucks. There are a couple things about what you said that concern me and I would like to ask you a couple questions if you don't mind. I will start by saying that SSRI's or Selective Serotonin Reuptake Inhibitors can be very good antidepressants. I am on one called Celexa and to be honest, I have found it to work wonders for me, however, the specific SSRI really has to be matched to the individual as not all SSRI's will have the same affect on each person. While Celexa make be perfect for me, it could be the worst enemy to the next guy. Also it does take upwards of 4-6 months of being on the med before some will notice anything. They are usually prescribed at an initial lower dose and then raised as your Dr sees fit and how your doing on it. Having said all that, I have done a bunch of reading as well as spoken to people in the past and I have noticed rather high percentage of people on Zoloft that have that feeling of emptiness or emotionless. Sadly, it alsmost seems rather common.. Normally I see people switching off of Zoloft and put on something else because of this. You stated that you were on 50mg's.... Did he start you on the recommended 25mg first, or did he pass GO with out collecting his $200 and went right to the 50mg? If so, this may be part of the issue. With SSRI's it is best to always use the lowest effective dose and this means always start with the lowest dose and then increase based upon your progression or possible lack there of. Also another thing that I wanted to ask you which actually REALLY bothers me, Did he put you on Lorasapam (Ativan) to be taken everyday at a specific time? Or are you taking it only as needed? I am going to have pause the rest of would like to say because my discussion could be 180 degrees different depending on how you are taking the Ativan, whether your taking it as needed, or everyday like you take your Zoloft.

In the mean time, just please know that your not alone in your feelings here, and your true emotion filled self is still there! With all that your going through, it is just hiding right now, and it will be difficult to bring your true self back but not impossible, and I will ahare all that I can to help because I know how lonely and helpless this can feel, but remember it is nothing more than that, it's just a feeling and it can and will go away. So, if you could please let me know the answers to those questions and also I am curious how old you are? This would all be helpful.

I hope I can help out even just a little. I enjoy helping to bring a smile to everyone who need it Hope to talk to you soon!

Pain

 

[sogno]

Hi Sogno,

Welcome to Bluelight! While I am really sorry to hear the position your in, I am very happy that you came here and you are expressing your feelings in order to get some feedback from your peers. Sometimes I find by talking with your peers over the "professionals" can really be far more help than the ones you pay your $$ to. Also, I apologize for what follows next as it may seem rather impersonal or something but it's just a CYA, I am sure you can understand

***Since there are couple things that I may say that could contradict your doctor as well as some other professionals, however neither I nor Bluelight can be held responsible for any decisions made based on anything in this thread. I am not a Doctor by any means and I certainly do not claim to have any formal background with Psychiatry, mental illness, or anything like that. I speak on strictly my personal experiences as well as published documents and personal stories shared with me. I also do bring with me over 20 years experience in the medical field as an EMT and Medical Administrator.***

So I can definitely relate, I myself have had similar issues with being prescribed a "cocktail" of meds from my Psychiatrist and then having that "empty" feeling. I like your alive but your not living... It sucks. There are a couple things about what you said that concern me and I would like to ask you a couple questions if you don't mind. I will start by saying that SSRI's or Selective Serotonin Reuptake Inhibitors can be very good antidepressants. I am on one called Celexa and to be honest, I have found it to work wonders for me, however, the specific SSRI really has to be matched to the individual as not all SSRI's will have the same affect on each person. While Celexa make be perfect for me, it could be the worst enemy to the next guy. Also it does take upwards of 4-6 months of being on the med before some will notice anything. They are usually prescribed at an initial lower dose and then raised as your Dr sees fit and how your doing on it. Having said all that, I have done a bunch of reading as well as spoken to people in the past and I have noticed rather high percentage of people on Zoloft that have that feeling of emptiness or emotionless. Sadly, it alsmost seems rather common.. Normally I see people switching off of Zoloft and put on something else because of this. You stated that you were on 50mg's.... Did he start you on the recommended 25mg first, or did he pass GO with out collecting his $200 and went right to the 50mg? If so, this may be part of the issue. With SSRI's it is best to always use the lowest effective dose and this means always start with the lowest dose and then increase based upon your progression or possible lack there of. Also another thing that I wanted to ask you which actually REALLY bothers me, Did he put you on Lorasapam (Ativan) to be taken everyday at a specific time? Or are you taking it only as needed? I am going to have pause the rest of would like to say because my discussion could be 180 degrees different depending on how you are taking the Ativan, whether your taking it as needed, or everyday like you take your Zoloft.

In the mean time, just please know that your not alone in your feelings here, and your true emotion filled self is still there! With all that your going through, it is just hiding right now, and it will be difficult to bring your true self back but not impossible, and I will ahare all that I can to help because I know how lonely and helpless this can feel, but remember it is nothing more than that, it's just a feeling and it can and will go away. So, if you could please let me know the answers to those questions and also I am curious how old you are? This would all be helpful.

I hope I can help out even just a little. I enjoy helping to bring a smile to everyone who need it Hope to talk to you soon!

Pain

hi painenduser thanks for the message.
I'm 24 years old. I started the zoloft at the lowest dose and increased the dose after a week or two. I started at 25, now I'm at 50mg. I take ativan everynight for sleeping because without it it's quite difficult to fall asleep. I also struggled with insomnia for most of my life. Anyway, I can't complain about my doctor's conduct because before he prescribed me the meds he verified if I really needed them. He also checks my health quite often.

 

[painenduser]

Hey Sogno,

Ok thanks for the answers, this helps alot. Just to clear up one thing, I am not complaining about your Dr, and yes, he very well may be a great Dr, it is just hard to tell either way since I can really only base things off of what you say, and thus far everything sounds like he is doing what he should with just two exceptions, but again, these are my opinions, and since I am not a Dr, I will just say that the suggestions I am going to make, are things that I personally would make for myself, so I am reading what your saying and I am putting myself in your shoes and my suggestions are ones that if I was in your shoes, I would have these concerns and talk to my Dr about. I will jump right to the point. I would definitely try talking to your Dr again about your emotionless feeling and I see based on your statements two areas that could be causing this and or exaggerating your depression. The first is the Zoloft. I did a lot of research on this for you and sadly this problem seems to be very inherent with Zoloft, and in fact, I spoke to my mother because I recall that she had gone through a very similar thing a couple years ago and she told me she was on Zoloft too. They took her off after 9 months because she was become downright zombified. I certainly do not agree with his saying that this feeling (or lack there of) is because you are getting better and afraid of it. That is the only thing that actually kind of upset me by your whole story.. That sounded very cold to me. I could be wrong. Ok, so the other thing that worries me is that you are taking a Benzo (Ativan) every single night. Benzo's are highly addictive and even if you don't become a slave to them mentally, your body is definitely addicted to them and you should never ever just stop taking them as the withdraw from benzo can be extremely dangerous! If you are having issues with your sleep, I would suggest something like Rozerm (which is Melatonin) or some other med that's made for sleep (though be careful of Ambien), my point is that your Dr should never have let you take Ativan everyday. That was a bad move on his part. This could also be aiding your emotionless feeling in one of two ways and possibly both. One. If you having this feeling before you have taken your Ativa or the night, as part of the bodies physical withdraw, you can have a feeling of emptiness / emotionless. A Benzo withdraw can actually be similar to alcohol withdraw. Now, by no means am I saying this is definitely happening to you, but I am saying that it's a possibility. And two, sometime while rare, when on Ativan because it is a very powerful Benzo for Anti-anxiety med, that in an of it self can give you that empty feeling as well, but I doubt that would be the case, although with the Zoloft, it could amplify the feeling. I am sure that you didn't not come here to get a second opinion on the treatment plan of your Dr, and I do apologize for that. However, the problem is that the feeling (or lack there of) you are encountering is more than likely being caused by your medications. I would highly highly doubt that you having that feeling because your are afraid of getting better, in fact, I am finding it hard to get over that statement.. The thing is, I am sure that in some ways your depression may be better, I know when I was first diagnosed, I was like a hermit. I was locked in my own shell and would never have made a post like this one asking if others have experienced what your feeling. Then again everyone is different. I guess the best advise I could give you is too definitely talk to your Dr about all this, but ask him to think of things a little different and bring up some of the concerns I mentioned about your meds. I hope some other reply to you as well and can corroborate some what I am saying here. The hard part is that if this is being caused by your meds as I suspect it is, there is little that you can do to fight this and feel normal again. You will need to get your meds changed for you to start feeling better. I wish I could give you some magical advise that would help it all get better, but sadly, I have been there and I have had family and friends there an the meds you are on each by themselves can be causing this and together it can be like a witches brew. I did step over the bounds a bit by going so deep into what your on, but since Bluelight heavily promotes harm reduction. I am just concerned that your meds are your problem, Zoloft by itself, and Ativan being taken in a way it really should not be being used, and being used that way, it can be dangerous, just do some google searches on Benzo's and you will see my concern. If you would like any additional or more indepth info in Benzo's and or Ativan in particular, by all means let me know, I have a lot of knowledge on meds, in fact jokingly I am sometimes refered to as a walking PDR (Physicians Desk Reference, which is the book Dr's use to get all they need to know about meds). So, if I can offer you any thing specific please let me know. As for you topic, I want to be able to offer more, but until the meds are worked with your Dr, I don't think there is much I can offer you. I do wish you all the best of luck and I hope that you figure out what works best for you. I would love to know what does work for you..

Best Regards,

Pain

 

[Rybee]

Please use paragraphs.

 

[Doldrugs]

I'm going to be brutally honest: your doctor sounds like a piece of shit.

You shouldn't be on benzos daily and long term, they rapidly lose their effectiveness and you end up being dependant on them with nothing to show for it. Benzos can make you feel tired and empty as well. My mom recently got off daily k-pins she was on for years, and she actually sleeps better and feels calmer. Benzos DO NOT WORK daily and long term and I'll never understand why doctors prescribe them that way.

If you don't like the side effects of a medication, your doctor should get you off it ASAP. Exploiting your emotional state to get you to keep taking them is outright unethical. Zoloft is obviously not for you; as pain pointed out each AD may work for some people and cause misery in others. When you told your doctor you were having side effects that you didn't want he should have tapered you off or changed your meds. That's what my doctor did when I was trying different drugs for anxiety and depression. Remember: you can always go back on if it turns out to be the best option, but how are you going to know what the best option is if you don't keep trying to find it?

I'm on lexapro myself and I don't feel dead inside or numb. I just feel normal, except a lot less sad and somewhat less anxious. Being on ADs doesn't have to mean feeling a different kind of bad. I would explain to your doctor that you want to get off these meds and try something else. Don't let him bully you. If he won't listen, you should get a new doctor.

 

[painenduser]

I would love to, but I am horrible at grammar and writing. If you really need paragraphs please by all means edit my post and place them in. Sorry, but I am just nor good at writing. My bad, though it feels odd, I have never had anyone critique my writing style. Either way paragraphs or not, this post isn't going to help our OP. Sorry.

 

[TheLostBoys]

Antidepressants cause way more destruction than any good.......your psychiatrist is brainwashed into handing out pills that rewire the brain & can make you a lot worse.

Psychiatrists make lots of money prescribing the destruction of your mind & soul, that's why he's pissed at you wanting to quit.......he wants you to be a slave to him & wants his steady flow of money coming in, he doesn't care one bit about you, & you can take that to the bank!......

Do yourself the favor by quitting but start tapering off your meds until you're down to very small doses.

Lmao@ him getting g angry & telling you its only been a year, give it more time, lol! The guy is a complete goofball........

 

[sogno]

thanks for all the replies.
I'm not as depressed as I was before taking the meds, so I can say they defenetly worked for the depression but the side effects I'm facing are quite annoying. In september I'm going to see my doctor and I will talk with him about all of these problems.
A lot of people say ssri, antipsicotic and benzos do more harm than good. I don't know about this. I feel way better than before, I'm not depressed a lot anymore, just a little more emotion impaired and I forget things easier ( this scares me a lot tbh).
I will talk with my doctor and see if it's better to change the zoloft, or quit every meds I'm currently taking.
Doldrugs: I take the ativan every night because when I'm on zoloft and the zyprexa its quite impossible to fall asleep..
I also read some horror story about this zyprexa and I'm a bit worried right now.

 

[Doldrugs]

TheLostBoys posts about how antidepressants are terrible in every thread, whether it's relevant or not. I'm not sure exactly why he is so obsessed with them because he never adequately backs up his points, but in my experience and the experience of many I've spoken to they can be very helpful when prescribed correctly. Sometimes it takes time to find the right drug and I think a lot of people give up before they try enough options (or have a terrible doctor who doesn't go through the process correctly).

Are you diagnosed bipolar, or just major depression? The zyprexa probably isn't helping the numb/empty feeling. And sleep problems or not, daily benzos is bad news. I don't take anything for sleep and I'm on SSRIs so it's doable for sure. Never been on zyprexa, though.

 

[sogno]

TheLostBoys posts about how antidepressants are terrible in every thread, whether it's relevant or not. I'm not sure exactly why he is so obsessed with them because he never adequately backs up his points, but in my experience and the experience of many I've spoken to they can be very helpful when prescribed correctly. Sometimes it takes time to find the right drug and I think a lot of people give up before they try enough options (or have a terrible doctor who doesn't go through the process correctly).

Are you diagnosed bipolar, or just major depression? The zyprexa probably isn't helping the numb/empty feeling. And sleep problems or not, daily benzos is bad news. I don't take anything for sleep and I'm on SSRIs so it's doable for sure. Never been on zyprexa, though.

Major depression, maniacal episodes and obsession about an aspect of my person ( sorry I can't explain very well) which affected my social/ work life.
When I was only on zoloft I could sleep just fine, when I started to take the zyprexa fall asleep become harder.
I know being on daily benzos is bad news, but unfortunately, I'm taking them daily since last year and there's much I can do now.

 

[adder]

Hey,

I'm 24 now and I started suffering from depression when I was 14. Basically I had been feeling somewhat different than the others since I can remember, I felt as if I was always lacking something, but I was successful. Then in a manner of a few months I got terribly depressed, there was a lot of things that made it progress very fast. I started taking drugs, I didn't go out at all, not even to my school and I kept dissociating because it was making me feel better. When I got to my first private psychiatrist like 4-5 months after it all started, I had been already using benzodiazepines. It was very easy even for a 14-15-year old to get a prescription for them, I won't be getting into details. And I was prescribed various SSRIs/SNRIs and I honestly didn't take any of these for more than a week or two and in some cases it was a manner of a few days or one night as it was with fluvoxamine, they were all just making things so much worse. Then I was prescribed paroxetine and it was different. At the beginning of one week I was all depressed with no friends and at the end of the same week I talked to everyone. I knew something was wrong but I didn't care because I felt great. It was almost ecstatic at times. A few months later I was already in a bad shape. I thought I got tolerant. My psychiatrist added one of those great non-addictive anxiolytics called buspirone to boost paroxetine effects. There was this girl at school that I'd been in love with but just couldn't make it happen. And one day at school I felt humiliated and after that I just grabbed the girl and I wanted to carry her out of the school. The truth is I'd been manic all the time, I woke up the minute I left school that day, but it was too late and most people thought I was crazy. No psychiatrist but one ever cared about me. The other woman kept prescribing me as much lorazepam as I wanted and then I even manipulated her into switching me to clonazepam. 8( I was 17 then, can you imagine?

Anyway, I tapered off paroxetine all by myself, it was tough, but the mania felt just plain wrong. I knew I didn't want to be dependent on it. I quit methadone and then benzodiazepnies after 9 years of every day use the same way. There's really no magic about this, I was just sick and tired of it all and one day I just realised I had to get off all that shit. Before I quit methadone, I felt like a zombie, I almost had no emotions at all, it wasn't even sadness what I was feeling, it was so out of this world. Now 8 months after I quit clonazepam, I'm suffering from terrible depersonalisation, I'm constantly switching between the reality and the horror inside my head. You need to get off lorazepam as soon as possible, I used to take it as well and it's one of the most depressing benzodiazepine. I switched to clonazepam because I couldn't stand the madness when I ran out of it, but clonazepam is just another strong benzodiazepine, only longer-acting and "flatter" than lorazepam.

Your psychiatrist just cannot not let you quit lorazepam. 2mg a day isn't a very high dose, I was on 7.5-10mg a day before I switched to 6mg of clonazepam a day. You've been taking it for one year, so I'm sure your withdrawal won't be as long-lasting as mine. Honestly speaking, it's going to be hard and you will need to switch to a long-lasting benzodiazepine like diazepam because lorazepam simply lasts too short, it's just almost impossible to feel fine on it for too long without increasing your dose. You need to quit it, benzodiazepines are so physically addictive that even when you're mentally ready to quit, you just can't. I'd failed so many times before I eventually succeeded. I was addicted for 9 years and for the last 6 years of my addiction I wanted to quit. If I were you, I would quit sertraline and olanzapine too, but it's just me. I prefer to be free even if I have to live on the edge of reality, I know I can survive.

 

[painenduser]

Hey Sogno,

I think we need to step back for a moment and take a look again at what we are saying. First of all, you need to be your own judge on your feelings and what is working and what is not. The only thing that we can do is give you the fact's and our opinions based on our experiences. One thing to be careful of is when people's opinions become your reality. Don't let that happen. I would be careful of when people share their opinions and you let it scare you. Please don't do that. Also you need to judge your Dr, we can't as we aren't his patient and people here are just reacting to what is in your post, but for any of us to tell you that your Dr is brainwashing you, please, don't allow that to sway you.

The thing is that we all have had our own experiences both good and bad, and some people feel very strongly against metal health Dr's while other's may live by them. For example, I personally don't always believe that they have our best intentions in mind which is why I do not see one. I have learned enough from my years under mental health care and I have taken all my experiences, talked with my primary care Dr and I let him prescribe my anti-depressant meds. But again, you need to judge your own Dr and if you feel he is doing you good, then it's your right to stay with him and continue your treatment. I think the bottom line of what we are all trying to tell you though is that you have to be careful and just because your Dr saying you need to be on a specific medication or combination of meds, does not mean that you have to agree or that you shouldn't be informed of the potential negative effects of these meds. Again, you have to be your own judge.

Our concerns for you are the medications you have been prescribed and the way you are taking them. The facts are the facts, and those are as follows. 1. It is a known fact that Zoloft is a powerful SSRI and one of it's effects/side effects are that it can cause an empty feeling / emotionless feeling in those who take it. This is just what you are more then likely experiencing. 2. Ativan (Lorazpam) is a very powerful benzodiazepine or Benzo. Benzo's are HIGHLY addictive both mentally and physically. This means that you can become addicted to the way it makes you feel and may want to keep taking more to enjoy that feeling, that in part is the mental addiction of the drug, the other form is physical addiction, this is where the body becomes physically dependent on this medication. Your body will feel sick or no longer feel normal with out this medication. The biggest problem with physical addiction to Benzo's is that withdraw from these drugs is very dangerous and can be deadly. I have been on rehab with people with this form of addiction to benzo's and it can be extremely difficult to come off of. One of the reasons is that part of the withdraw from them is severe anxiety and paranoia far worse then you are feeling now, and this causes people to make their dependence worse by taking more to counter these anxiety effects. a couple of the people that I was in rehab with had a problem with being clean off then Benzo's for many weeks and then out of no where, they were struck by very severe anxiety / panic attacks that cause hospitalization. These will sneak up on you weeks after you think you were clean.

One of our concerns is that you are taking Ativan nightly to sleep. I don't know if this was how it was prescribed, but do to the almost 100% chance of some form of addiction to Benzo's you should really talk to your Dr about tapering down or off completely from the Ativan and look into other non-addictive sleeping solutions like Rozerm, or Trazadone and if you need something stronger your Dr can prescribe something else, but you should stay away from Benzo's for this and be careful off all sleeping meds that have the potential for abuse or addiction.

Lastly 3. Our unanimous concern is your Dr's apparent lack of professionalism in getting mad at your for wanting to stop your meds because the way they are making you feel telling you "because you are getting better and you are scared of it". This is not only a lack of professionalism but to us, does not appear that he truly has your best interest at heart which is why you have seen some people be brutal in their response to your post and telling you things like "he is brain washing you". Again, while words like that are opinions and you need to be careful what you do with peoples opinions but at the same time, you really can't blame some people for feeling that way when you take into consideration, their personal experiences with Dr's and then seeing how a Dr who is supposed to be helping you and have your best interest at heart completely devastate that Dr / patient relationship and make you feel like a complete piece if shit because you don't like the way your meds are making you feel. He should have realized something with your meds was wrong and not right for you and offered to adjust / change your meds in an effort to help you feel better, after all, is that not why you went to him in the first place? Because you didn't like the way you were feeling? You see where I am coming from any why we are saying things like that?

Again, Sogno, you need to be your own judge, but in doing so, look at the facts that are in all of our posts (which is why I tried to break that down for you based on everyone's reply). You can not dispute the facts, however, you can dispute the opinions and that is where you need to be the one to draw the line for where you believe that the opinions can help you and those that you feel can be disruptive / destructive to your treatment and health. Our opinions come from our experiences but the facts are the facts. Proven and are what they are. It's what you do with both of them that can help or harm your current situation.

My hope and goal is that you take what we have told you, bring the facts to your Dr and use the opinions to help you come up with your own. Take both and sit down with your Dr and come up with a treatment plan that first and fore most has your best interests at it's heart. Do not accept anything but the best treatment for yourself, and if your not getting that from your Dr or your Dr refuses to listen to you and help you, then I'm sorry m friend but this is where you need to have the strength to fire this Dr and find another. Trust me when I tell you, this is your mental well being. The decisions you make now can have effects that can stay with you the rest of your life. You need to make sure that you take care of you. There is no mulligan in life, there are no do overs. Don't waste time by feeling horrible in life. Now is the time to make the changes that are right for you. I wish you all the best as I am sure everyone here at Blue do as well.

If I can be of any additional help, by all means let me know, but please take what you learn here and use it to your advantage!

Peace,

~Pain