My life is seeming more hopeful! Not sick anymore!

[d3athadone]

Hi guys! I just wanted to share that I've been doing pretty damn good, and that's saying a lot because my shit has been fukkkkked up for quite some time. Quick recap: I'm 29 been a junkie for 9 years. I was a broke junkie always scraping by for most of it. I got on methadone when I was like 25 or something and got off it about a year ago. After I got off methadone I had periods of sobriety but it never really felt earned. It always felt like I was just pretending to be sober, but knew I would use again.

About 6 months ago I relapsed on some percs and got carried away. b4 I knew it I was slamming diladuds and H again. I managed to fuck myself up all over again. I spent this past summer and fall withdrawing and relapsing on a weekly basis. I'd do a full week cold turkey hell detox off H or whatever and relapse on day 6 without fail. This continue to happen for a long time until I was extremely sick and felt like I wasnt going to make it. My resolve was strong, but my addiction just as strong.

I kept trying and trying, but in the end, I had to nearly rob someone out of desperation(a clear sign I was back in the lower levels of hell) and end up broke s.o.l.. Somehow, I don't know how, I managed to fully cold turkey that time. I know part of it is the whole almost robbing someone thing just reminded me of people trying to kill me in the past and all the bad shit that I started doing fucked up shit like that.

So like a month after I got clean, I enrolled in school. Now I go to this adult ed like a normal person everyday and I am getting top marks! Pretty crazy. It keeps me straight. Everytime I think of using I just think of going to school sick. I relapsed like right b4 school started for one day and it really really sucked. I took it in stride though. Like a flare up of a disease right. Its all about managing this fucker. So ya I'm doing a lot better! Its nice to be in school and nobody knows my past. Its still always with me though.

This shit is super hard. Everyday I scream at the sky in my mind. In my imagination howl like a wild animal because I feel like I have all this anger and energy inside me and its just so intense. Just like the screaming in the bathtub scene from requiem for a dream. I still smoke weed, cigs, and eat ben and jerrys like its going out of style. Wasting all my money. Fuck it thogh, baby steps.

Neway I'm fucking clean and its kinda amazing. Addiction has def deepened and humbled me.

 

[starting_over]

Nice!!! School brings good structure to your life, glad things are turning around for ya

 

[Jabberwocky]

You are doing damn mother fucking good OP!!!

I found going back to school while I was tapering off methadone and continuing to going to it when I finally decided I was ready to detox off of it. It got me so grounded - had been five years without any new classroom learning - that I believe it has been instrumental in the progress I've made in the last three or four years. After an number of absolutely disastrous in law school I'm getting ready to go back to grad school come the fall of 2017 and couldn't be more excited.

I thrive on structure. I am fairly squared away with an understand that most for the vast majority of people, a especially those in early recovery, thrive on structure (assuming it is the kind of structure one can relate to, finds productive and identifies with).