And I learnt it the hard way. I'm no longer with the man I wrote this to/about and only shared it with him once we had broken up. Anyway...I've learnt a lot about myself through our relationship and will forever have a special place in my heart for him - I still love you Poncha. Not sure why I felt the urge to post this today but anyway...
I don’t want to wonder what you’re up to when I call and they say you’re out of the office…have the thought cross my mind that you’re out there with some other girl. It’s so pathetic. Everything has seemed so perfect lately and I don’t want to be so cynical. But this is where I am right now. Sitting in my office wishing you’d call me back and be excited that someone I don’t even know has asked me to dance at their party coz they saw me perform at the Spanish restaurant the other night and liked how I danced.
I’ll do my best not to sound accusing when I ask you where you’ve been today, what you got up to. I honestly don’t mean to sound that way. But I can tell that you know when there’s even just a hint of distrust in my voice. And it makes me want to cry every time I open my mouth…I’m sorry.
It’s fear of a repeat of our past that keeps me from completely forgiving you. I want to, I really do but I’m kinda stuck. I don’t know how to forgive. I want to not care about the little girl who wouldn’t let you give yourself to me without reserve. I don’t want to give her any more of my energy, the power of one more of my thoughts, the privilege of being a part of my day. Maybe it’s her I have to forgive. She was just fighting for you as much as I was. What makes me think she felt she was any less right about you being the one for her than I was?
And I need to understand that two incredibly different but strong willed girls must have been so confusing for you at that time in your life. And that the familiarity of someone you already knew would certainly have felt more comfortable and easy than discovering someone new (especially at the risk of loving again). But if I give you that credit, it doesn’t excuse you for hurting me.
And having written that last defensive sentence, I know I needn’t have.
I do know you’re sorry. You showed me that through choosing the new and taking the risk to be here with me now. And when all is said and done, we both know you made the right decision. But I want to make it feel more right for you. Maybe you’ll understand how hard it is for me if I tell you I’m just as scared as you were. Then maybe I can find strength in the fact that you did it for me. I love you my Magoncha and I will do this for you. I release any anger I have towards you…you are finally forgiven.
18-03-02
Pity I didn't really forgive him the day I wrote it...it took losing him to truly forgive.
I don’t want to wonder what you’re up to when I call and they say you’re out of the office…have the thought cross my mind that you’re out there with some other girl. It’s so pathetic. Everything has seemed so perfect lately and I don’t want to be so cynical. But this is where I am right now. Sitting in my office wishing you’d call me back and be excited that someone I don’t even know has asked me to dance at their party coz they saw me perform at the Spanish restaurant the other night and liked how I danced.
I’ll do my best not to sound accusing when I ask you where you’ve been today, what you got up to. I honestly don’t mean to sound that way. But I can tell that you know when there’s even just a hint of distrust in my voice. And it makes me want to cry every time I open my mouth…I’m sorry.
It’s fear of a repeat of our past that keeps me from completely forgiving you. I want to, I really do but I’m kinda stuck. I don’t know how to forgive. I want to not care about the little girl who wouldn’t let you give yourself to me without reserve. I don’t want to give her any more of my energy, the power of one more of my thoughts, the privilege of being a part of my day. Maybe it’s her I have to forgive. She was just fighting for you as much as I was. What makes me think she felt she was any less right about you being the one for her than I was?
And I need to understand that two incredibly different but strong willed girls must have been so confusing for you at that time in your life. And that the familiarity of someone you already knew would certainly have felt more comfortable and easy than discovering someone new (especially at the risk of loving again). But if I give you that credit, it doesn’t excuse you for hurting me.
And having written that last defensive sentence, I know I needn’t have.
I do know you’re sorry. You showed me that through choosing the new and taking the risk to be here with me now. And when all is said and done, we both know you made the right decision. But I want to make it feel more right for you. Maybe you’ll understand how hard it is for me if I tell you I’m just as scared as you were. Then maybe I can find strength in the fact that you did it for me. I love you my Magoncha and I will do this for you. I release any anger I have towards you…you are finally forgiven.
18-03-02
Pity I didn't really forgive him the day I wrote it...it took losing him to truly forgive.
