Blog MY HPPD + DP STORY. How MDMA helped & its causes.

[supremelord]

This might be a long one. I will put summaries after each section.

I AM NOT ADIVISING ANYONE TO TAKE ANY KIND OF SUBSTANCE, CONTROLLED OR UNCONTROLLED.

Everyone, please know that I'm completely aware of how much of an idiot I was. I derived some lessons from this mess and wanted to share my story.


My Use Of 25i-NBOme​

I started using psychedelics at 14 years of age. Dumb, complete idiot.

My first experience with a substance was what I believed to be LSD. Now that I know what real LSD is, I can safely say it was a research chemical. Likely 25i-NBOme.

I loved the first time. I quickly started using it regularly. My tolerance built up almost instantly, and I went on a 2 months tolerance brake. It passed, and I was eager to go again. Goddamn it I was dumb.

I bought a 4-tab strip and just ate it as soon as I got my hands on it. I don't remember what LSD dosage it was marketed at, but it was for 4 people, and it wasn't LSD.
It was horrid. I don't remember anything, well because there was nothing to remember. I most likely was seizing for the better part of the experience, I don't even know.

Moments that my memory was able to register I'd describe as a complete out-of-body experience. 'Seeing' an object wasn't really a thing at that point. Just geometric shapes and patterns moving at the speed of light.

When I finally woke up, I was in an ego-death state for about 10 seconds. Then, it was as if I told myself my whole life story to myself in an instant. Names of my family members, MY NAME, my place & date of birth, important moments of my life, were all somehow transformed into language and I 'voiced' it all out in my head in under 3 seconds. I looked at the time, about 7 hours have passed since dosing. It was still as intense as a peak on 4g of cubensis, but it was coming off.

After the experience, I didn't feel absolutely any after affects. Maybe a slight 'afterglow'. Looking back at this, I have no idea how is it that I was okay the next day.

^^^ Summary: 14 years old. 6 years ago. Ate so much NBOME-25 that I was unconscious, maybe seizing (was alone at the time) for about 5 hours. Just 1 second snippets of ceasing to exist and infinite geometric patterns. After the experience, no negative after effects were noticeable (but there were a lot of them, just not noticeable YET.)

Depersonalisation Begins​

Fast-forward 4 months, I was 15 at this point, someone introduced me to weed. I'll call that person Jay. We've smoked a joint with Jay, and I was sent off to the darkest corners of hell in my own head. Thoughts became physical. I could feel them forming, stretching, turning into geometric shapes and plains in my own fucking head at the speed of light. Literal tornadoes. I am not talking figuratively. Thoughts literally were spinning around like a tornado would. Every 10 seconds or so I would 'see' myself from an observers perspective. Not my personality, but me, like my actual body. Sounds fun, but trust me it is not, especially paired with a 160bpm heart rate and anxiety.

I battled this because I wanted to be high. I somehow managed to get my tolerance high enough for this to lower by about 40-50%. Then, I ran out of weed.
And the depersonalisation began.

Anxiety went through the roof one day. I was looking around and the world just didn't seem right. It seemed 'fake' I guess.
I was questioning everything, thinking about how we are literally a soup of atoms that are binded together. These atomic binds somehow have relationships, love, see, hear, etc.. WTF?
After a panic attack at a local mall, I realised that something was really wrong. I went to a therapist for 2 sessions, she told me that she can't do anything. (very helpful thank you)

For about a month I was experiencing heavy DP symptoms. My frontal lobe was on fire. I could feel it as if I had a hot headband on my forehead. Everything seemed fake.
At some points I was literally crying for help, I was just frightened. Panic attack levels.

I started to meditate heavily to try to battle it. Hours a day sometimes. I had to work out my own answers to some of the 'eternal questions', and I did.
It really, really helped. The depersonalisation decreased, and I wasn't getting anxious from it anymore.

^^^ Summary: 4 months after the experience, introduced to weed. The high was just as horrid. Physical thoughts, seeing yourself as an observer, etc.. Raised my tolerance to battle it, kept smoking. Ran out of weed. Heavy DP began. Panic attacks for a month. World seemed fake. Insane anxiety. Questioning physics. Recovered by meditating hours a day and working out answers to the 'eternal' questions that caused anxiety.

HPPD Begins
​

Fast-forward 2 years. Stopped taking drugs. Depersonalisation isn't felt 95% of the time. Very rare episodes. 17 years of age.

I make the decision to try using psychedelics again.

First (real, tested) LSD trip - goes by wonderfully. No after effects.
Used mushrooms & acid quite frequently for about 2 months.

On the first LSD trip, I saw something that I can't describe in any better way than the matrix (im sorry XD, but I will refer to it as matrix from now on cause it easier). A constantly shifting, all-encompassing 3D (probably like 10D) vision. It was everywhere. If I would look at my wall, it would be on the wall, in the wall, outside of the wall. Everywhere. If I would look outside of the window, it would be in the sky. It would form into planet-sized shapes, these shapes would shift across the sky and form into billions more. I was just astonished. (it was red, if anyone's interested). Important to note, it was only properly visible in the dark.

It really seemed like I saw the engine of this universe.

Then, the next shroom trip. The visuals were shroomy. Everything felt like a normal shroom experience.
BUT, instantly after the come up began, I could see that 'matrix' beginning to emerge yet again. Exactly the same properties as the LSD experience. It accompanied me yet again throughout the whole thing. I used shrooms & acid a number of times after that, the 'matrix' was there every single time.

Then, I decided to just stop doing drugs for a little bit.
One night im laying in my bed, just chilling. Dark room.
I look up from my laptop, and I see this 'matrix' everywhere again. Im sober. I was scared shitless.

I have stopped using psychedelics completely after that.
This effect began to slowly decrease. Quite slowly.
After 6 months, it went down 20-25% at most. It wasn't bothering me much, but still, id rather not have it.

^^^Summary: Tried real LSD. Good experience. Saw the 'matrix'. Tried shrooms, the matrix was there again. All psychedelic experiences now were accompanied by the exactly same visual effect. Stopped using psychedelics. Started to see the 'matrix' in the dark even when sober. Stopped using psychedelics, effect decreased by about 20% in 6 months.

THE MDMA

I AM NOT ADVISING ANYONE TO TAKE MDMA. IT MAY WORSEN YOUR CONDITION. BE CAREFUL.​

Another ~3 months pass (9 months after noticing the visuals when sober). I get a chance to use MDMA.
I consumed 300mg of MDMA in 2 doses in one night. The experience was great, of course.

I also noticed that the 'matrix' was actually missing. I made it clear to myself that it is likely temporary and that it has likely disappeared only for the duration of the experience (not to get my hopes up).

Next morning, no comedown issues (I became a safe use nuthead after all this).
So, I just go about my day.

At night, I come back home. My room is very dimly lit. I was just amazed. The 'matrix' was completely gone. Just gone. I stopped seeing a constant kaleidoscope of colours at night.

I was very happy. I noticed though, that it was sort of 'replaced' by that visual snow that people were talking about. The snow 'pixels' are exactly same color as the 'matrix' was, red. If I really, really, focus on that visual snow with closed eyes, I would still be able to see a tiny part of that 'matrix'. I would rather take that visual snow than a constantly shifting planet-sized matrix-looking thing.

CONCLUSION/SUMMARY
​

My DP is 99% gone now. If I experience it, I don't get nervous. I am more or so used to it. The episodes are very rare. The visual snow doesn't bother me much. Compared to what it was before, it almost feels normal. The MDMA helping me was mind-blowing.

WHY THIS ALL HAPPENED:

I know that this was caused by the 25i-NBOme.
But why did it happen?

1. It happened because of me being a complete idiot in my teenage years.
2. It wouldn't happen if I would take a normal dose.
3. It wouldn't happen if I wouldn't have used psychedelics at 14 thinking I was responsible enough. (point number 1)
4. It wouldn't happen if I would TEST MY SHIT. The metallic taste brings me to the point number 1 of course.

I will abstain from research chemicals and advise you to do the same. The potential harm outweighs the potential benefits.

But, it did happen and I more or so dealt with it. Live on fellas.

/// Guys, I am aware that I kind of 'got off easy'. Some people experience much more intense DP/HPPD symptoms for a prolonged period of time. ///

 

[SunriseChampion]

@MasonP