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My Girlfriend is Overweight...Need advice please

SayoFire said:
@llama112
Yes I have tried that, asking her to come on a walk with me to get some fresh air every now and again (as i do some art in my spare time as well). I do suggest some things but she is just not interested. However, very limited to what we can do as we dont live together. If fact we live a fair distance apart, about 1hr and a half by car. So at most we only get to see each other for about 2 days a week/fortnight. She also cant drive, so most of the time the only way for her to go shopping is with me. I have gently mentioned that, if she picks up an unhealthy product, that isnt good for her/why not try this instead etc etc but most of the time it doesnt do any good. I dont really see a point in yelling either... although I will try cooking some healthy meals when im over next.
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My boyfriend used to never eat good food, well he just wouldn't eat much at all. He was getting VERY unhealthy. We only see each other on weekends as well. On the weekend, I'd make up some healthy meals, like lunches, for the week. I'd make double the amount so I could give him some as well, so he could have some good meals during the week.
Does she not understand the risks of being unhealthy? She doesn't seem to care if an items is unhealthy or not. Maybe you should inform her of some of the risks of obesity and stuff like that.
 
Is there anything about her that you do like? It seems all I'm reading is the negative, how she's fat and won't exercise - like maybe she sees it as a control issue? JMO, of course.
 
Thou said:
Do you love her?

If the answer is yes, then breaking up with her over something so superficial is absurd. That's assuming there's not more to this story than you've led us to believe. I'd like to know more, personally, because If I found true love I doubt something like a personal vice (ala overeating) would compromise it unless it was something VERY SERIOUS.
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this would make sense if we were talking about 10-20 lbs, but it sounds like it's a lot worse than that. when you have to be hospitalized, it's gone beyond superficial. i think it's perfectly reasonable to lose your attraction to someone who willfully lets their body and health go to shit, and staying together out of a sense of guilt or obligation is bad for both parties.

"true love" is great, but a successful relationship requires work and compromise. she's clearly able to address this issue, and her unwillingness to do so now that they're back together indicates a lot bigger problem than a simple vice.

@OP - you need to be honest with her about what's at stake, and be clear that this goes well beyond her looks. let her know you're not expecting her to be stick-thin, but that the relationship won't survive if she's not willing to be responsible for her health and your needs.
 
What was the diet related hospitalization? Was it from crash dieting?

One thing she needs to avoid is just dieting so to speak. If she's a crash dieter, she'll likely just gain more weight. She needs to find something she enjoys, and I totally understand about the exercising is a "chore." If she doesn't like it, it's hard to deal with, because no one sticks to it if it's a chore. If she is obese, she can lost weight though just by having better eating habits and maybe just going for a walk. A mile walk is really not too bad and might take 20 mins tops at a slow pace.

She's got to cut the fast food. I have lots of cravings (I'm eating pizza right now lol), and if she really likes that type of food, eating it on weekends will allow her not to feel like she's cutting out the food she likes altogether. That's what works for me, because I love food and especially the crap food. lol I am 5 days on and 2 days off, and it allows me to eat the junk I like and still lose weight. With boot camp, I am getting some definition. Once she starts to SEE the results, it basically takes on a life of its own, because you see results and it helps you get motivated to keep going. Those first few weeks are the toughest ones, because you feel like you're doing it for nothing.
 
sounds like she only ever did the whole 'diet & exercise thing' to try and win you back and sho'nuff, it worked.

now she has you back, she sees no real reason to make any effort. she is obviously comfortable being overweight, or just doesn't value a thin physique enough to actively pursue having one, herself.

you need to be honest about your motivations for 'gently' encouraging her towards a 'healthy lifestyle' - be blunt about the fact that you don't find that amount of flesh appealing or sexy in a long-term partner and maybe she might be willing to bend. seeing as that's a tough subject to broach with someone (let alone with a woman, who as Lysis said, is likely predisposed to a myriad of body issues as it is), you're probably just going to have to accept that you will not be able to mould her into what you would like, and either like her as she likes to be, or move on to finding someone who typifies your views on health and weight. all the best!!
 
@Lysis
It was for gallbladder stones (or a serious case of stomach ulcers), it was only a year into the relationship and admittedly I cant remember which, although fairly certain it was the stones as something (not an organ) was removed. Im not 100% sure of the causes but at the time i was under the impression it was diet related (she was having lots of sweets or sugary stuff) and was told to cut back on those sorts of foods. So nothing like crash dieting, sorry if the way I worded it sounded like something else.

She doesnt eat fast food very often, more of a case of sugary stuff. and yeah I did suggest that sort of diet, the eat what you feel like on the weekend, but she said she was working out a plan for herself (not sure what kind of plan that was atm). and atm shes pretty busy with work-agreed though even a little walk would help.

@double ewe
yeah mate I gotta talk to her about this, right now trying to find some time to chat to her about it as we are both very busy atm, and like i said, dont get to see each other very often. its important, so id like to just chat to her in person, instead of having a phone conversion etc. and yeah not asking her to be stick-thin or anything, as that too is unhealthy.

Shes aware of the risks of maintaining that weight, but shes never had a single problem (if you dont want to count the hospital procedure). I dont want her to have a health scare in order to realise how important it is for her you know? She has a friend who is even bigger than her, very big. and yet she hasnt had one problem either..

Also, cheers everyone for the replies. You guys have helped me understand this a lot better.
 
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There's good advice in this thread and not to be a downer but ... ultimately your g/f needs to want to lose weight. Like giving up alcohol, drugs or cigarettes, the person has to really want to do it, often through a big wake up call, like a health scare or loss of a loved one.

You can be supportive and encouraging, don't get me wrong, but expecting people to become healthy just because their loved ones want them to be is setting up for disappointment.

You either accept people or not really. I've found the older I get, the more health conscious I become, this isn't the case for everyone though. The only thing I can offer is to be healthy and fit yourself, eating healthy food and being active and by association she might participate.
 
hyroller said:
sounds like she only ever did the whole 'diet & exercise thing' to try and win you back and sho'nuff, it worked.

now she has you back, she sees no real reason to make any effort. she is obviously comfortable being overweight, or just doesn't value a thin physique enough to actively pursue having one, herself.

you need to be honest about your motivations for 'gently' encouraging her towards a 'healthy lifestyle' - be blunt about the fact that you don't find that amount of flesh appealing or sexy in a long-term partner and maybe she might be willing to bend. seeing as that's a tough subject to broach with someone (let alone with a woman, who as Lysis said, is likely predisposed to a myriad of body issues as it is), you're probably just going to have to accept that you will not be able to mould her into what you would like, and either like her as she likes to be, or move on to finding someone who typifies your views on health and weight. all the best!!
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Hyroller that is win - yup pretty much. blunt but tactful (hard to pull off)
 
I agree babe. I am sexy. On a serious note. This will be a battle if she dosent change her ways throughout her entire life and that life with you if you consider to stay. I'm not being sarcastic but there is going to be things you won't be able to do together comfortably like flying on a plane, my friends aunt Is obese and Wont fly to minnesota to visit her family because she can't in one seat and refuses to pay for two seats ...if you see children in your future with this woman there are numerous risks that come along with pregnancy while being obese that I doubt you are aware of . I know your worried about her health but do you want this life for you continuously worrying
 
If it's mostly sugary and sweets, why don't you try that fake sugar?
Or low calorie snacks instead?
 
btw i know this girl who got very fat and did gastric surgery, and shes skinny ,pretty and sexy again.
 
The content of this discussion really bothers me, the idea, OP, that it was worthwhile for you to break up with your girlfriend over her weight says some less than wonderful things about your character. I do know what you're going through, though, because I'm dealing with it right now. My girlfriend is significantly overweight, to the point where it IS impacting her health, where her attractiveness has faltered. I'm not happy about it, I want her to lose weight, and though she is trying to fix it, I can tell she doesn't want to do the necessary work in order to do so. And I understand why, it fucking sucks to try and lose weight. But I love her, I love her more than anything, I couldn't imagine leaving and starting over. The commitment that we have made, the bond that 5 years of being together has formed transcends concepts of physical attractiveness. I would choose her over the most beautiful women out there because I'm in love with her, she's the only one I would feel right being intimate with, having sex with, etc.

I also recognize that I'm not perfect, that I have problems both physical and emotional, and I'm in no position to make demands. Fuck, I'm just stoked she's put up with me for this long. Relationships are give and take, and I can learn to accept that she's overweight because of the myriad other ways in which she enriches my life. To me, that's more important than how she looks.

Look, I can understand worrying about her health, I can understand being put off by her weight gain, but to allow it to cause so much strife in the relationship that you break up with her? I don't know. I understand the impulse, I feel it often, but further thinking always convinces me that I belong with her.

I'd say get on 700mg of DXM and think this one over.

Edit: And I swear to god, don't even fucking think about suggesting plastic surgery. Talk about ultimate fucking rejection, the minute you let that garbage out of your mouth, all trust is broken. That's a sure-fire method to shit it all away.
 
^so are you staying with her because you love her, or because you can't imagine starting over? you criticize the OP for considering leaving a relationship that's making him unhappy, but your reasons for staying, in my reading, boil down to:

you've been together a long time.

you don't want to start over.

you don't think you're good enough to expect more from her.

you think about it a lot, but talk yourself out of it.

the DXM told you to.

i'm not saying your relationship is doomed or that obesity should be an automatic deal-breaker for everyone, but i wouldn't attack someone's character without looking at what you've really said about your own relationship.
 
B1tO'RoughJack said:
blunt but tactful (hard to pull off)
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I do my best ;)

And as for the 2nd last poster - there really is no use applying a moral high ground as means to judge other peoples' relationships, or their motives/desires that drive them to come into/stay in those individual situations. Other peoples' needs and wants are no less valid, because you feel that yours are somehow more 'proper' or authentic. It's simply a case of different strokes; what matters is that each person is honest & upfront about these things with their partner, and that each individual's needs are acknowledged and responded to (and vice-versa). In the OP's case, he has been downplaying his fundamental preference for a less fuller, more slimmer physique in a woman by encouraging his overweight partner to adopt a more 'healthy' food & fitness regimen for 'her own sake' - and while that may well be the best option for her in the long-term, physical sense, it doesn't openly address the reality of his waning feelings of attraction towards her, so long as she does not stay in shape or continues to gain weight (but has no issue with this, herself).

Some people simply value/are governed by looks and appearances to a greater degree than others - the best partnerships work when about equal weighting or regard for the importance of this factor (in relation to other kinds of connection, i.e. mental, emotional, and spiritual) exist between the two parties. This way, there's a chance that each person's expectations will basically mirror their own duty of care they feel compelled to uphold throughout their intimate lives; if the efforts/emphasis are closely matched, there is lesser likelihood for one partner feelings like a 'needless critic' or in any way guilty about being truthful about their needs. A mutual understanding would simply be inherent; but since people's desires are always changing and evolving, it's difficult to find a dynamic where the nature and degree of likely inevitable change is more or less concurrent. That's why there is such a crucial need to establish shared values (i.e. an active, healthy lifestyle) and agree upon their significance during the early stages of a serious relationship, and to continually & actively engage in related activities together (i.e. walking or training together, or exercising separately but in equal measure) so as to keep reinforcing the collective, co-operative nature of these ideals - which, when matched, have the potential to set a lifelong precedent as far as joint efforts on part of each person are made in good faith.

If two people can absolutely agree on maybe a handful of these matters, in life, I'd say they're in with pretty good odds for going the distance <3
 
ShamusORiley said:
The content of this discussion really bothers me, the idea, OP, that it was worthwhile for you to break up with your girlfriend over her weight says some less than wonderful things about your character. I do know what you're going through, though, because I'm dealing with it right now. My girlfriend is significantly overweight, to the point where it IS impacting her health, where her attractiveness has faltered. I'm not happy about it, I want her to lose weight, and though she is trying to fix it, I can tell she doesn't want to do the necessary work in order to do so. And I understand why, it fucking sucks to try and lose weight. But I love her, I love her more than anything, I couldn't imagine leaving and starting over. The commitment that we have made, the bond that 5 years of being together has formed transcends concepts of physical attractiveness. I would choose her over the most beautiful women out there because I'm in love with her, she's the only one I would feel right being intimate with, having sex with, etc.

I also recognize that I'm not perfect, that I have problems both physical and emotional, and I'm in no position to make demands. Fuck, I'm just stoked she's put up with me for this long. Relationships are give and take, and I can learn to accept that she's overweight because of the myriad other ways in which she enriches my life. To me, that's more important than how she looks.

Look, I can understand worrying about her health, I can understand being put off by her weight gain, but to allow it to cause so much strife in the relationship that you break up with her? I don't know. I understand the impulse, I feel it often, but further thinking always convinces me that I belong with her.

I'd say get on 700mg of DXM and think this one over.

Edit: And I swear to god, don't even fucking think about suggesting plastic surgery. Talk about ultimate fucking rejection, the minute you let that garbage out of your mouth, all trust is broken. That's a sure-fire method to shit it all away.
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I understand that and agree to a point, but the problem is that he can't stay in a relationship where he is miserable and not attracted to the person. For instance, weight is not a huge important issue for me, but I've come to despise cigarettes. Yeah, it's shitty as hell to have something so superficial as a deal breaker, but what can you do? If it bothers him so much, asking him to be miserable is not really realistic either. No one wants to be miserable, and she also should find someone who loves her regardless. It's a shitty reason to break up, but you also can't expect someone to stay together when he's miserable.

Chances are that there is more to the issue as well. It could stem from the weight issue. One problem that makes someone unhappy can lead to arguments and just being miserable when you're in the same room as the person.
 
Staying healthy and physically fit is important to me. When I got married, we had private vows and one of them was we will not get sloppy. I would not be able to stay in a relationship if my partner got fat due and consistently did nothing about it. Whether it be lack of exercise or not going to therapy to help with the root cause(s) of a psychological issue. I hosted a brunch recently and my good friends who have been married 25 years both arrived in sweatpants and yes they both can stand to lose some weight. I said wtf is wrong with you people are we working out after brunch? The rest of us were dressed up as we usually are. I don't own a pair of sweats. Call me superficial, I don't care.
 
Nothing is wrong with surgery :-). First and foremost its very unhealthy and poses my
Numerous risks being over weight. And it must suck in the summertime
 
@ShamusORiley
This was never a discussion about whether it was worthwhile for me breaking up with my girlfriend because she was overweight, as Im the only one who can answer that question. I came here looking for options I hadn't tried yet to get my girlfriend to change how she thinks about this issue and to bascially talk about it. Its great that the bond you share with your girlfriend transcends physical attractiveness but surely the health implications bother you more than youve said? For the sake of a long term relationship, I thought it would be in both your interests to lead a healthy lifestyle to make sure you get to spend a completely fullfilling and longlasting life with one another. And if you had bothered to read my other posts you'd know Im already against surgery. Not only is surgery dangerous and expensive, but is a definite no-go as she needs to get use to a routine to make sure the weight stays off long term.

Whats bothering me the most about this isnt her looks guys. Weight is not a superficial issue, unless you are only concerned about the unattractiveness that comes with it. Likewise, cigarettes, drugs, dangerious habits, etc are health issues as well and if she did any of them, Id be on her case about those too. If she were ugly, but an ideal weight and healthy, then I wouldnt have a problem. Being ugly or unattractive isnt a health issue. But each to their own. Some people are happy with their partners being overweight or smokers, but as Ive found out, Im not.
 
The health issue is bullshit. Suppose she was exercising an a doctor said she was healthier than you, but she was still fat? Would that make it okay for you? If you are not attracted to her, then THAT is the issue, and it has nothing to do with health. And you owe it to her to tell her so that she can find someone who is.
 
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