My friend may have knocked someone up, should I tell him?

[PlurPsyed]

That's the problem, she won't talk to him until she goes to the doctor and finds out when it is that she got pregnant so she can know for sure who the father is.

 

[PlurPsyed]

^You don't even know if she's on birth control. What if they used a condom and it broke or something? Can't believe you're immediately assuming it's the girl's fault.
And don't say that she should be on birth control because that would just be a ridiculous answer. No reason women would have to go through hormonal hell and risks of diseases if they don't want to, when the responsibility can be shared with a condom, for instance.

In having sex with anyone you're accepting the inherant risks involved, pregnancy being one of those. I'm sorry but it's completely unfair to blame the girl for that. He knew what he was getting into, and if it's indeed his kid he needs to accept the responsibility.

So what, just because 'guys don't consider the consequences' means they should be absolved from them or something?! They should consider them...



Fair enough fair enough - it's really not a fun situation for you to be in, but I just did need to point out that your phrasing was quite harsh

They didn't use any birth control which was quite retarded of both of them. I guess
I'm taking this close to heart because I've had feeling for this guy for a very long time and this all just really really sucks.

 

[purplefirefly]

Wow.
I honestly don't have anything to answer to that.

It's really harsh but that poster is absolutely correct. A woman can't deny making a baby, it lives inside of her and she gives birth to it. Men can easily say "that kid isn't mine" and the mother can persue the issue in court. It just doesn't quite work thay way for women.

It doesn't make it right but that scenario is the reality. Men who step up have taken the responsible decision of being a father.

I absolutely agree with you regarding equal blame in an unplanned pregnancy. It is not completely the woman's fault. Sex can lead to pregnancy. That's not a secret.

 

[Lustmord]

so he should have a say in the termination of what could be another mans child.

explain that to me:D

Good point.

I say they have a group meeting. That should go over well!

 

[T. Calderone]

Yes. And males of course do not. Calderone your post comes off as remarkably sexist to me, just so you know.

Tangerino, just so you know, I'm a 49 year old woman and I'm as opinionated as anyone else here. Have you ever had an unplanned pregnancy? Of course not. She had sex willingly from what the OP stated and she also said that birth control was not used.

The girl told the OP that she is three months pregnant and has had no prenatal care yet. So maybe she isn't as far along as she believes. I knew when I was 2 days late for my period by taking a home test. One issue here is this girl is not sure who the father is and this would explain her reluctance to tell either party. Another is, and I quote "she was a casual occasional hookup" Maybe this young lady thought it meant something more?

None of us really know all the facts here. We can only speculate. I stand by my opinion: If you're grown enough to have sex, you should use protection. Either way I don't envy the position she's in or the father's. Plur, the best way to help your friend is to encourage her to get a prenatal appointment. It may or may not help determine who the father is, but ensure the baby is healthy.

 

[Pagey]

Yes. And males of course do not. Calderone your post comes off as remarkably sexist to me, just so you know.

Agreed.
Calderone, yeah, if you're old enough to have sex, you should use protection. They didn't. That's the man's fault just as much as it is the woman's.

That's the problem, she won't talk to him until she goes to the doctor and finds out when it is that she got pregnant so she can know for sure who the father is.

Aah right okay...did she tell you when she was planning on going? I'm guessing if she hasn't done it yet, she's not in any particular hurry and doesn't plan on considering abortion?

They didn't use any birth control which was quite retarded of both of them. I guess
I'm taking this close to heart because I've had feeling for this guy for a very long time and this all just really really sucks.

Yeah of course, it's normal for you to be upset...but just try not to let it overwhelm you until you know anything for sure. Again, there's no use in stressing out over possibilities. Deal with it as it comes - not all at once. Try not to anticipate.

It's really harsh but that poster is absolutely correct. A woman can't deny making a baby, it lives inside of her and she gives birth to it. Men can easily say "that kid isn't mine" and the mother can persue the issue in court. It just doesn't quite work thay way for women.

It doesn't make it right but that scenario is the reality. Men who step up have taken the responsible decision of being a father.

I absolutely agree with you regarding equal blame in an unplanned pregnancy. It is not completely the woman's fault. Sex can lead to pregnancy. That's not a secret.

No I know that poster is technically correct, it's more the way he phrased it which made it sound like he found that normal...which obviously upset me a bit. Bonkey Kong, apologies if you didn't mean it that way.
Honestly I'm just a bit shocked that some people are still saying it's a woman's fault if she gets pregnant. Really makes you realise we don't live in an equal society just yet

 

[pofacedhoe]

there is no need for the op to rush to tell his friend or for the girl to rush

its much better to wait till its born and get a DNA test than bullshit one of two men

what often happens on good ol' jezza is the woman is pregnant by one guy hooks up with some other dude before she has clocked her pregnancy and then tells the next dude the baby is his, cue baby is born, lies are found out and tv gold is made.

don't let this happen to your friend. - wait till said baby is born and dad figured out with testing before getting an emotional attachement going

 

[T. Calderone]

I still don't see how this makes me "sexist." There are plenty of stand-up guys who would be happy to provide support for a girl who accidently get pregnant. Unfortunately, there are just as many who don't. I've seen plenty of girls whose boyfriends left them in the dust once they got pregnant. I have heard the typical "He's not ready to settle down yet" or "He said it can't be his baby." These girls would come into the counseling office where I worked at the college, devastated, scared and not knowing where to turn.

Example: I worked with a girl back in the 80's whose "boyfriend" (I say this loosely because he was much older and her parents never met him) got her pregnant. Only she was too afraid to tell anybody, even her friends. I saw her every day and because she was overweight it wasn't obvious. It was a shock to everybody and she worked until the day she had the baby. Then when she went into labor, she had to get the insurance card from her mother in order to go to the hospital to have the baby. Her parents were real old-school Caribbean, angry as hell but eventually came around and helped her support him because the father refused to acknowledge his son. He's 25 years old now and the nicest guy you'll ever meet. His dad doesn't know what he's missing.

The OP's friend was not in a monogamous relationship, even more reason to at least use a condom. Stop saying "It's not her fault!" These guys didn't force her to have unprotected sex, she was a willing participant making her equally responsible. When a guy has a chance for unattached sex lots will go for it without a second thought. It may not be fair to her, but it happens, whatever you want to call it- human nature or testosterone overdrive. They should have spoken about contraception but we know in reality, this doesn't always happen. There is no reason with all the forms of birth control available to chose to use nothing. It's too late for this now isn't it?

 

[cj]

Im gonna dissent here. You should tell him. There is no way to find out who the father of the baby is before it is born so her line about finding the father is bullshit. She is 3 months pregnant its already gonna be tough to get an abortion any longer and it might be impossible. This guy is your best friend I hate to say it but you gotta tell him and he has to confront her.

 

[Pagey]

Calderone, your first post came off as sexist because you did not make it sound like they shared equal responsibility. You made it sound like this was almost entirely the girl's fault and that the guy could hardly be blamed for it. I quote:

While part of the responsibility may fall on this guy, (he should have asked her if she used birth control) the girl knows what happens when you have unprotected sex

she was negligent for letting this happen

There's no excuse for this sort of carelessness. How old is she?

This girl needs to grow up already.

Show me where anyone has said it's not the girl's fault. No one has. What I'm (and others are) saying is that they share the responsibility. Equally. You made it sound like you disagreed and that the woman should be the only one taking care of birth control, and thus if she gets pregnant, the blame lies on her. Which is a rather (very) sexist thing to say.

Now based on your latest post I think maybe that isn't actually what you meant, but that's really exactly what it sounded like in that first one.

 

[Black Rabbit of Inle]

What I'm (and others are) saying is that they share the responsibility. Equally.

It's not like birth control is something only women have access to, all parties involved are responsible (except the OP). IMO she should have gone to a doctor the moment she found out she was pregnant, not waited until time was up on getting an abortion. I don't know anyone who could possibly go that long without noticing.

If this does wind up in court OP, it's your responsibility to come clean about when she confided in you about the pregnancy. There are some women (very small group) that will find out they're pregnant, have 2 possible fathers and will put off all doctors appointments until it is too late to terminate. They then claim that they didn't find out until it was too late and essentially trap the father, if she opts for a DNA test. She could also be weighing up which of the guys is more financially secure to tell them they're the father (without proof).

 

[Mariposa]

there is no need for the op to rush to tell his friend or for the girl to rush

its much better to wait till its born and get a DNA test than bullshit one of two men

what often happens on good ol' jezza is the woman is pregnant by one guy hooks up with some other dude before she has clocked her pregnancy and then tells the next dude the baby is his, cue baby is born, lies are found out and tv gold is made.

don't let this happen to your friend. - wait till said baby is born and dad figured out with testing before getting an emotional attachement going

DNA tests are available while the fetus is in the womb in the form of chorionic villus sampling (8-13 weeks would be the earliest for that) or amniocentesis (if later). Both are invasive and carry a small risk of miscarriage.

Another procedure that only involves drawing the mother's blood to test for the presence of fetal DNA is available around 9 weeks. This involves no risk to the fetus, just a blood sample from the mother and alleged father/s.

I agree that parents should know the biological makeup of their child/ren. This need not be a painful or invasive decision, though. I have mentioned nothing about abortion, but if abortion is a personal option to a pregnant woman, the decision should be done sooner rather than later.

 

[DrunkardsDream]

I would tell this woman to get in contact with any and all men who could be the father of her child and have them all get paternity test(s) done.

 

[pofacedhoe]

DNA tests are available while the fetus is in the womb in the form of chorionic villus sampling (8-13 weeks would be the earliest for that) or amniocentesis (if later). Both are invasive and carry a small risk of miscarriage.

Another procedure that only involves drawing the mother's blood to test for the presence of fetal DNA is available around 9 weeks. This involves no risk to the fetus, just a blood sample from the mother and alleged father/s.

i knew about the invasive procedures and the risk of miscarriage (which to me is not worth it if you are going to give birth to the child anyway) but the blood test sounds cool

 

[neversickanymore]

Stay out of all drama that you can possibly mange too.. in this and everything else.

EDIT: THIS MY HAVE BEEN COVERED BUT WHY DID SHE TELL YOU?

 

[Pretty_Diamonds]

Geez, don't tell secrets to you, huh?

If she tells you something in confidence, especially something major like a pregnancy-- that is her news to tell. This isn't "gossip material" to blabber to whomever you feel. Geez, have some respect for your friend and her privacy! She needs more time to gain information before informing the father. It might NOT be your friend and it REALLY isn't your place. It's probably a very overwhelming time for her. Be a good friend, listening ears, and support her.

Edit: Ok, I read the thread. Your loyalty lies with him? There's no need to tell him now when she's unsure because it would just unnecessarily worry him. And if you know he doesn't want a child... I guess it's a little too late for that, huh?