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TDS my emotions are in chinese and i need someone to translate them

laCster

laCster

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Joined
Nov 16, 2010
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i do not feel human right now, i feel like my emotions are in chinese and i need some type of dictionary to translate them. so i can express them, so i can feel the emotions. i dont know what i feel, i feel numb.. i dont know who i am, or where i am going. i dont know who "laC" is. if you asked me if i liked the color blue, i couldnt tell you. if you asked me what music i like, id respond with "idk"

. i have some time clean, i dont know, its been a couple weeks without cocaine or hydrmorphone or heroin or marijuana. i guess all these emotions are coming back; i have never allowed myself to feel anything at all. from the time i was very little, i always analyzed my emotions and would come to a logical conclusion on whether or not my emotions are right for the situations. i still do this, i think i am doing it right now, and i get very overwhelmed because i dont know what to do. :(

i guess it is ok to not know the answer to everything, its not as simple as 2+2=4. its complicated and i dont like that. i am so numb, and i dont know how to express myself. i dont know what it means to be happy, to love, to be sad, to be inspired, to be depressed. it is all so confusing, and i have to accept that hopefully in some time that my all my questions will be answered, or rather that i know how to respond to emotions. :?

what does it mean to be human? do i just let the emotions come as they will, how to do i react? i know i need to stop thnking for a second and just be, but it is hhard. so hard. i have been depressed these past clean weeks, i dont know actually. i guess i am? do depressed people ccry alot for what seems like no reason at all? because i do. does that make me depressed? some days i feel better than others, but most days are a struggle. i just want to love someone, to be love. to feel what it feels like to be happy, or sad. it is frustrating because society comes up with all these terms to try to define how we think and feel, but what happy is for someone, is totally different happy for someone else. 8(

i dont like my body. some days i barely eat, and some days i eat too much. on those days that i splurge, i sometimes make myself throw up my food because i am afraid that i will gain too much weight. i gained 20lbs in 2 weeks. i am a male, 6ft went from 155 >> 170lbs. i have fat on my stomach and it makes me upset. i was really chbby as kid and i have never liked my body. some people say i am good looking or that i am skinny, but i dont know whether to believe them or not. i am helpless, or maybe i can help myself. i dont know

i just want to be me, i dont want to be a version of me that someone else thinks i should be. i want to do something, anything. :\i need help and i know it. anything you can say, or tell me, or whatever will help. i guess, i dont know.

i have really no friends, only my sister and another bluelighter i talk to on occasion. my parents are both loving and supportive. that is all i really have . i dont have a social life, the only social activity i have is with my therapist.

and now i am back to the POINT WHERE I DONT KNOW HOW TO FUCKING EXPRESS MYSELF!! i was fucking sad as fuck, then i got happy, and now i am fucking pissed off. i fucking hate the fuckiing world and i fucking hate all of u. but i really need your help . god what the fuck is wrong with me?!?!?! why the fuck did i make this thread. i feel like a piece of shit. but i am happy to be alive , i know that
 
There is nothing wrong with searching, with not knowing where or who you are, with feeling sad and angry and terrified---nothing at all wrong with it except that it hurts and you are human and when we hurt we want it to stop. So much pain gets dragged with us from the past and then we use that over and over again to project misery onto the future. Perhaps you are ok and the reason that your feelings seem to be in Chinese is that you have masked them for so long and now they are screaming and you can't understand in all the chaos and noise. Loneliness and isolation become accusatory when you let them. Something that has really helped me lately is separating my feelings from the thoughts that I immediately put on top of them. If I can just stay with the authenticity of the feeling then I can see the negative thoughts for what they are--a very poor attempt to protect myself from feelings that are uncomfortable.

I am really sorry that you are hurting so much. You are a wonderful member of this forum and always have helpful things to say to people. You deserve the same compassion that you give to others. Be a good friend to yourself right now. Acknowledge that what you are going through is profound. Your essential self is struggling to be heard. You can PM me any time if it would help. <3

P. S. I always like to remind people that medications can make you feel horrible. Are you on any medications? If so, tell your doctor and your therapist how you are feeling--don't hide anything!
 
Hey LaC.. I believe you are just getting hit by some pretty good paws.. this will pass and there are some pretty successful techniques that you can use to have an easier time of it right now.. Im going to go through hopefully make some helpful comment in your post. here are some good things on paws. But im going to take symtoms from the paws list from the addiction guide and place them in red next to portions of your post that may correspond to them.
also if you havn't read through this please do..

laCster said:
i do not feel human right now, i feel like my emotions are in chinese and i need some type of dictionary to translate them. so i can express them, so i can feel the emotions. i dont know what i feel, i feel numb..Lack of emotional response or inability to feel emotions i dont know who i am, or where i am going. i dont know who "laC" is. if you asked me if i liked the color blue, i couldnt tell you. if you asked me what music i like, id respond with "idk" apathy

. i have some time clean, i dont know, its been a couple weeks without cocaine or hydrmorphone or heroin or marijuana. i guess all these emotions are coming back; i have never allowed myself to feel anything at all. from the time i was very little, i always analyzed my emotions and would come to a logical conclusion on whether or not my emotions are right for the situations. i still do this, i think i am doing it right now, and i get very overwhelmed because i dont know what to do. :( Inability to solve problems & Hyper arousal with regards to stressful situations.

i guess it is ok to not know the answer to everything, its not as simple as 2+2=4. its complicated and i dont like that. i am so numb, and i dont know how to express myself. i dont know what it means to be happy,Anhedonia (an inability to experience joy). to love, to be sad, to be inspired, to be depressed. Lack of emotional response or inability to feel emotions it is all so confusing, and i have to accept that hopefully in some time that my all my questions will be answered, or rather that i know how to respond to emotions. :?

what does it mean to be human? do i just let the emotions come as they will, how to do i react? i know i need to stop thnking for a second and just be, but it is hhard. Racing thoughts so hard. i have been depressed these past clean weeks, Depression. i dont know actually. i guess i am? do depressed people ccry alot for what seems like no reason at all? because i do. does that make me depressed? some days i feel better than others, but most days are a struggle. Mood swings i just want to love someone, to be love. to feel what it feels like to be happy, or sad.Lack of emotional response or inability to feel emotions it is frustrating because society comes up with all these terms to try to define how we think and feel, but what happy is for someone, is totally different happy for someone else. 8(

i dont like my body. some days i barely eat, and some days i eat too much. change or changes in appetite on those days that i splurge, i sometimes make myself throw up my food because i am afraid that i will gain too much weight. exercise is the proper way to do this and it also produces dopamine and endorphin release as well as neuroregulation all of witch will make this experience much better i gained 20lbs in 2 weeks. i am a male, 6ft went from 155 >> 170lbs. i have fat on my stomach and it makes me upset. i was really chbby as kid and i have never liked my body. some people say i am good looking or that i am skinny, but i dont know whether to believe them or not. i am helpless, or maybe i can help myself. helplessness is an emotion i dont know

i just want to be me, i dont want to be a version of me that someone else thinks i should be. i want to do something, anything. :\i need help and i know it. anything you can say, or tell me, or whatever will help. i guess, i dont know.

i have really no friends, only my sister and another bluelighter i talk to on occasion.Self imposed isolation both a symptom of paws as well as active addiction my parents are both loving and supportive. that is all i really have . i dont have a social life, the only social activity i have is with my therapist.

and now i am back to the POINT WHERE I DONT KNOW HOW TO FUCKING EXPRESS MYSELF!! i was fucking sad as fuck, then i got happy, and now i am fucking pissed off.Mood swings & Agitation. i fucking hate the fuckiing world and i fucking hate all of u. but i really need your help . god what the fuck is wrong with me?!?!?! why the fuck did i make this thread. i feel like a piece of shit. but i am happy to be alive , i know that
Click to expand...

This get better and BL please look at this thread for some things that may help you.. a comprehensive paws thread is in the works but as you can tell by your experience it is pretty complicated and little understood so its taking a bit, please use the suggestions in the other thread and everything e;se that work. hang in there this usually lasts about for to six months but gets a little better each day<3<3
 
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Neversickanymore always giving great advice as other members do too here in tds. Id warn about lamictal though, it may work for some but i was on it for a few weeks at age 15 and it made me feel so weird, like i could feel electricity running thru my body and just rly weird shit, but lac man your not alone bro . 2 nights ago i broke down crying for 2nd night in a row for virtually no reason. Its crazy. I read that symptoms from paws usually last two days at a time when they hit you, ive found it to be true bc those 2days i was LOW!! It will probably happen again, but i know one thing its better than being broke and strung out!! Btw i am still on low dose subs/but for me i feel like im at baseline, no euphoria,grogginess,etc. anyways man, hang in there, ive also been off for a few weeks so if you need someone to talk to , PM me! Srsly, it may help us both!
Stay strong my friend
 
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I M on suboxone, vyvanse, Lyrica, valium(i don't take this every day,) , hydroxyzine. All these I take every day with the exception of skipping some days on vyvanse, which I need to do more of this shit is making me exhausted, and I take Lyrica most of the month but I binge on it because it makes me feel so good and alive.

Thank you all very much for your replys . I am on my phone and about to go to sleep, I will report back tomorrow with a more in depth explanation.

Thank you herbabore for all your kind words. You gave the best response and advice anyone has EVER given me in my life. I cannot express my gratitude. I will be back with more later.

Love
-laC
 
I have good advice but I don't really know what to say. This is something I can tell is hard to talk about so don't sweat where you're at with this for the time being. I'm sure you can get past this. You can always contact me when you need to.
 
I didn't realize you were taking these medications.. so it is not paws.. i believe your emotional rollercoaster is a direct result of drug use.. If you want to find out who you are and get that person back I believe you will have to fight your way out of your drug addictions and teach yourself how to live a peaceful sober/ responsible use life.. you can do this<3.

EDit: also 30 minutes a day of aerobic exercise stimulates production and release of dopamine and endorphins and can have an amazing effect on neurochemical stabilization.. It will also allow you to get a much better high once again. I would really recommend trying to incorporate this into your daily routine.. also since you may not be eating well enough to get the nescesary nuroprecursors I would recomend adding Phenylalanine into your regiment... I really recomend this and hope it helps<3.

EXERCISE_AND_MOOD
amps how they work
Potential Adverse Effects of Amphetamine Treatment on Brain and Behavior: A Review
 
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neversickanymore said:
I didn't realize you were taking these medications.. so it is not paws.. i believe your emotional rollercoaster is a direct result of drug use.. If you want to find out who you are and get that person back I believe you will have to fight your way out of your drug addictions and teach yourself how to live a peaceful sober/ responsible use life.. you can do this<3.

EDit: also 30 minutes a day of aerobic exercise stimulates production and release of dopamine and endorphins and can have an amazing effect on neurochemical stabilization.. It will also allow you to get a much better high once again. I would really recommend trying to incorporate this into your daily routine.. also since you may not be eating well enough to get the nescesary nuroprecursors I would recomend adding Phenylalanine into your regiment... I really recomend this and hope it helps<3.

EXERCISE_AND_MOOD
amps how they work
Potential Adverse Effects of Amphetamine Treatment on Brain and Behavior: A Review
Click to expand...

thank you so much for the support. i like the suggestion about exercise, it really helps.

i got arrested for DUI when i wasnt even drinking and had no drugs on me and didnt do any drugs and i am already on probation. i am unbelievably stressed because i have school and now i have this shit to deal with. my life feels like it is slipping through my hands and i cant do anything about it. the ground is crumbling beneath my feet and i can either stand their and fall through or i can grab onto that lifeline. idont know what it is, but i believe something is there. i have to believe this is all happening for a reason because if i dont i will just beat up on myself for being a dumbass piece of shit junkie.

i have been starving myself again. yesterday i consumed maybe 400 calories. i ate 1 poptart in the morning and had a piece of chocolat in the night. everytime i look in the mirror i see someone who is not me, someone who is an alien. i dont know what the fuck it is or who the fuck it is but that person looks very fat and i hate him. i dont know why i torture myself. it feels like i am validating my junkie life and validating my opinions about who i am

my parents found out i use syringes and now they want me to go to rehab again or some shit. i have already been to 5 different rehabs (3 inpatient, 1 wilderness, and 1 outpatient) and i have been to so many AA/NA meetings in the past. they didnt work, but my mom is obsessed with nar-anon or however the fuck you spell it. she has a sponsor and is judgemental as shit. like i am not the person who i am.

why cant i just die. i dont want to be myslef anymore. i want to go buy dilaudid and shoot up so i can be happy. i am crying right now, i cant look away from the mirror, i am mesmerized by that fatass person. i want to stick my finger down my throat and throw up.

i wnat to get high, i want to get high i want toget high soo bad, but i know it wont do shit for me.

i want to get high i want to get high iwant to get high i just want to run AWAY. i gain strength and then i l ook in the mirror and i lose it all, i lose myself. ilost myself and i am wandering around soul-less and incapacitated by my emotions and judgements.

i want to sleep. i already slept for 14hrs today, but i dont want to be experiencing my reality.

i have to be strong, i dont wan these fucking drugs in my life and i dont want these fucking problems. maybe these problems will make me stronger in the future. i try to save myself, but myself keeps slipping away. i can picture the final destination, and it feels so good.

i am not in a good place, myself keeps slipping away, slipping through my hands, and i have butter fingers. i cant grasp onto it. the cuts and scratches make myself slipp awy, i just want to savemyself but myself keeps slipping away.
 
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