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My current situation.

T

Tolejo

Greenlighter
Joined
Dec 10, 2014
Messages
10
My son killed himself last night.
I think this is more of a comforting thing for me to post.
My doctor RX me Klonopin 2 mg, as well as ambien to sleep. He doesn't know about past drug use.
I'm so grateful that he did give them to, but I'm trying so hard to not over do it. As a former addict, the first thing I this of is 'let's get fucked up!!!'
I can't, I don't want that, I need a clear head right now.
Ugh I'm rambling. Sorry. I can't even think under circumstance.
 
I am saddened to read this. I am so sorry for your loss. PLEASE find support to surround yourself. You don't need to be alone.
 
Your post made me cry - you have my deepest sympathies. Please surround yourself with love and support, and don't let emotions let your addiction to get the best of you.
 
I am so sorry for what you are going through, l can't even imagine. Please come back if you need any additional support. My heart goes out to you. (((Hugs)))
 
Thank you everyone. I've really only read things on Bluelight, I could tell the support system here is amazing.
I wanted to give you an update, the service was beautiful, his Sensei in Karate gave the eulogy, it was all very special.
another update- I have not used at all, not even missused the RX i was given. However, I am back in NA, just to keep straight.
Thank you all.
 
Thank you for the update! I have been thinking about you. Congratulations on not using - that's huge! If you can make it through this time then you can make it through anything. I hope you are proud of yourself, and feel empowered. I'm glad to hear you went to NA - the support in those rooms is overwhelming and very comforting during hard times. It's great that you're not isolating. Keep taking care of yourself. I wish you the best! *hugs*
 
God, I am so sorry for your loss. This is unspeakably horrible news and I so sincerely feel for you. There are so many support groups, you are not alone. Yes, getting fucked up might bring temporary relief but healing in any meaningful way is going to take a serious commitment to mental hygiene. Write it out. Spend time talking about it with friends. Go to a support group.

When my brother died my parents were extremely depressive and it has taken years to see the people I used to know again in them. It takes time to adjust to the new reality. You're probably never going to be truly 'over it' but hopefully you can process this as best as you can and cope in the healthiest ways possible and not be destructive to yourself.
 
Tolejo, I am so sorry. My son overdosed, intentional or not we will never definitively know. It doesn't matter, the missing is everything. The missing is the one true thing. All the other inevitable guilt and remorse and "if only this" or "if only that" will swarm around you but try not to feed them. Come back to what is real: you loved him and your hurt will be commensurate to that love. One father described it this way: you lived with a presence and now you live with the terrible absence but the love does not end, the love flows unimpeded. I have found this to be true. Please reach out to me privately at any time if you want or need. The early days are so wrenching and raw. Surround yourself with as much support as you can IRL and know that we here on Bluelight are here for you 100%. <3
 
Hearing these things from complete strangers restores my faith in humanity. ?
 
I can't imagine what it would be like as a mother to loose my son, I'm currently a son now a 15 year old son and i've seen the extent of a mothers love and how far that shit can go.. How complex and amazing it is.. I think about it a lot... How do mothers do that they're amazing!.. But guess what.. you're one too and i can not possibly imagine your pain.. I'm really proud of you for not abusing them that's.. Kinda blow out really.. I'm a little shocked i know how the addicts mind works i'm stuck in that situation too now. I hope everything comes out on a brighter side one day for you.. But the abuse of drugs something i understand.. You will power is stronger then anything.. If you can resist that you can do anything. You're a strong person and you'll make it through this. I believe you can.
 
How are you doing SpaceMildo? I'm not certain if I'm understanding your post correctly, but are you currently dealing with addiction? If yes, would you like to talk about it?
 
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