So this is a few different things..a few questions mixed in with some venting, mixed with some of me just thinking outloud .
I have been an opiate addict since I was 16...so 6..almost 7 years now. I'd been using meth off and on the entire time. Only now, the past 1.5yrs I've been pretty heavily addicted to it as well.
I keep thinking to myself I hate never feeling "normal" -- Which to me, since I started at a younger age, normal is being perfectly content (high as fuck haha) even stupid shit, like if I ever notice I'm cold. I'll be like dammit, I just want to feel normal...aka full warmth of opiates. But in reality thats so incredibly stupid..who the fucks "normal" is constantly high on dope haha. We don't go through life feeling like a million dollars every second of the day. I need to accept the fact that being high on opiates 24/7 is not worth it. Its not normal! I've cried more in these past two weeks than I have in the past 6-7 years it seems. I guess I'm finally allowing my emotions to surface.
So now I need to find what my "normal" is..they say it takes months to get back to the person you used to be. Well, before drugs I was absolutely miserable. Not to mention 16 haha. Now im almost 23. I need to find myself..my purpose in life..my will to live.
At home (Seattle) I sit around all day and watch TV. I know its terrible, but I abandoned all my real friends. All I have left is dope friends. Well actually, lets do a side note here. I have quite a few acquaintances in this dope game but really only have 2 people I'd call friends, in fact I'd call them family. I met them while i was doing dope but our friendship is so soo much more. Sure right now its 100% about dope, but thats because that was the main focus in all our lives. Well now I'm starting my path to sobriety and they keep saying to want to as well, but are putting it off. Partially (or maybe fully) because they are going to get on methadone and its a bitch getting into a clinic around here, especially with no insurance. Oh and they are looking for a clinic that they don't have to go to daily. They either want a script from a doctor (told them its insanely unrealistic, especially with no proof of "pain" or even been to a doctor the past 7 years) orr they want a clinic that gives lots of take homes. I didn't know this but apparently here in Moses Lake (WA) there is a 'done clinic that lets you come in once per day, once per week, or once per month. Its 100% up to the therapist you go talk to on your first visit. He decides your fate apparently. So I can understand them being dope addicts, they are lazy and they are still back in Seattle where im pretty sure all clinics are a daily M-F thing.
I really don't want to drop my only 2 friends in this world, its not just a dope-friendship. I can see every other single relationship I had (since i scared off my real friends) during the last 5yrs or so have been all 100% fake friends. I went over to their house a few days ago (oh yeah, they are bf+gf) and I watched them do dope in front of me. Which they would never normally do, but I reassured them 35353 times id be fine and they were sick so they did their thing. And I was totally fine. I could have easily gotten dope that instant and shot up, but I didn't want to. So I definitely want to keep these 2 friends in my life, but do you think thats possible? Maybe I should do the hard thing and say I need space for a month or two to get my shit together?
And since I've had so SO many failed attempts, I decided to go about it a different way. The way I got myself to stop taking 10 ecstasy pills/day 5ish years ago. And thats when there were no such thing as a "bad pill" haha. Anyways I kept telling myself one step at a time, I can use if it gets too much, dont stress...<- just what I tell myself, I wouldn't actually relapse with such ease --Now I'm doing somewhat of a similar thing..so rather than telling myself "no more opiates for the rest of your life!" I did 1 month clean, 2 days of dope (well, 36hrs) and I'm fine..still have the ability to go for a 3rd day but I'm not. And I know I'm playing with fire here. I'm a drug addict. Definition I cannot handle the responsibility of occasional using. But hey..its helping me get further than I have in a long time. I guess for me its all about the mindset. I think what I will do is either A) I can use twice a month, which days have no matter or B) Use every 2nd and 4th weekend of each month. So 4 days/month instead of 2. Aka every two weeks I get high on sat-sun. -- Then after 1-2 months I will switch to every 3rd week or just one weekend a month. Im at this stage right now, im not even sure why I'm talking about back tracking. Must be the addict inside! Anyways then down to once a month and then nothing. Its a different style of taper I know, but so far its been working for me. The only thing that has taken hold in the past 7 years. The longest I've been clean from dope is 3 months. I was on suboxone tho. That was 4.5yrs ago. Since then I've had 2 sets of 1 month clean and 1 set of another 3 months clean (still using subs-haven't been 100% opiate free for 2 days in a row since I was 16)
I just moved back to Moses Lake where its my "guaranteed clean" spot. I don't even have a weed dealer here, and have never once gone looking for a hook up. So as long as I stay here I'll be clean, but in the past that has proven to have adverse effects. Since I was hulled up in this little town for 3 months at a time doing nothing but working on my computer 12hrs/daily and 6hrs/daily of TV/movies (sad I know) my will to use without me knowing grew soooo fast..When I decided to move back I didn't even make it all the way home to my house, I had to stop on the way back to get dope. It came back with a vengeance ! It was worse than ever that one time I went back..within a matter of weeks I had gone with all my money ($9k) not ALL purely on dope, i bought a lot of meth, spent a lot at the casino, 3k of it went to lending friends money. I even stooped so low as to pawn my families laptop! I to this day cannot believe I did such a horrific thing. I obviously knew I was going to get caught..its not like they wouldnt notice it gone. I just didnt even care..
I know it would help sooo incredibly much if I actually had something in life to live for. I know I know, family, life itself, etc etc..but I need purpose. Otherwise I feel like I am just floating around through life. So here is what I propose....
1. Every day come up with a new goal (nothing insane, just little things like "read 50 pages in *blank* book")
2. Either find a job or get back into my computer gig (internet marketing) sure its boring but what job isn't? And it pays 5-10x more.
3. Start building HONEST relationships with my family. I'm sick of lying.
4. Maybe start going to NA meetings (never been) and get support or maybe meet some sober friends.
5. Start day with prayer, stretching and yoga. Do 1hr of aerobics every other day and weight training the others. (this will be hardest!!!)
6. Realize normal, every day people, cannot keep an addiction going forever. Even celebs with unlimited money/free time are miserable and some even get clean!
6.2 - Realize this whole thing is bigger than me..Its a battle that I've lost and wont ever win. Also need to remind myself life on opiates isn't much of a life at all, especially with zero emotions.
7. Start paying off bills, get my license re-instated, and get a running car.
8. 9. and 10 are all simple...to live life to its fullest and just have fun..This life means practically nothing compared to the next, might as well have fun..why torture myself?
I've done a lot of maturing these past 10-12months when I accepted God into my life. So fuck you scientist who say brains stop developing after hard drugs are started
Just a lot of little things..like even a year back I would think..I NEED to be rich..have an awesome house..awesome cars, sure money doesn't buy happiness but pretty damn close! Lots of money = lots of stuff to do = having fun = meaning of life!
But now..just months later..I don't care about any of that. I don't care if I even make average income I just want to be able to live semi-comfortably. And another awesome car? (used to race, I had a mitsu evolution) what the hell for! Higher insurance, more gas, higher car payments..Yeah I'll take the Toyota for 1/3rd the price and that will last twice as long lol. So I feel like I'm finally mentally ready to get this thing called life goin..im tired of being in a haze, constantly worrying about staying well, not even getting high..
I'm ready to do this! I'm still deciding if I want to do 100% no opiates or do that taper plan I talked about (1-2x month) but I've already made it through the first month so I'm well on my way (hey, quitting is hard!) I will eventually stop doing shards (meth) too..right now I smoke it quite often..Even IV some days. I had a problem with it when I was 16-17 then I found opiates and it instantly became second string, so even now with no opiates in my life, I still am able (for now) to maintain with my meth use. It hasn't gotten out of hand in yearrrs. And obviously I am an addict so it could at any time and I shouldn't risk it..but whatever, its helping with the no dope thing (and YES--its kind of trading one addiction for another, except I was already addcited!) but NO-- its NOT the same because I am not dependent on meth. Neither physically nor mentally.
I'd love your guys' input on whether you think I should drop opi's all together or continue with this 1-2x month taper thing. I would never in a million years suggest anyone do the taper plan I laid out, but I've tried the other way 50 times. This way has worked for me in the past and I truly believe it will help. Just KNOWING I can get high twice a month if I need to gets rid of most of my anxiety all together. I'm just tricking my mind...don't trip Jeff, if you get too deep just do a fat shot! And I would never do that..but telling myself that keeps my mind at ease.
Also would love input on what to do about my 2 friends that are wanting to quit but haven't made the leap yet. I love them to death and would give them my last shot even if I were dope sick so its much more than the drugs..but on the other hand if for whatever reason they dont make that leap and dont get clean, I think I will have to distance myself. Sure I'm fine going over there now and have no trouble not using, but what about the day that im over there kickin it and life takes a turn for the worse? I just don't think I should be risking it...(only if they dont quit, I'll risk being fresh sober buddies with them any day)
One last memo, even tho I'm sure 99% of you haven't read even half this, just skimmed or looked at the top of the post then bottom. Which is totally cool, a lot of this is rambling and thoughts I need to get out in order to keep things movin smoothly. Anywho-- I started doing meth/heroin because I had severe depression and anxiety along with PTSD. I couldn't handle my emotions or my brains constant thoughts of how im a failure or a screw up whatever. So I self-medicated. Didn't start with codeine/vikes or whatever..first did meth (after weed/ecstasy of course) then went right to oxy (snorted half an 80 first time - almost crashed my car like 9x) then the next time I did opiates was heroin. I was looking for the hardest medication and fastest relief. Well, ever since I become a real Christian, that depression has completely washed away. Sure I get depressed about certain things like everyone else does. But my daily battle of severe mental disorders is GONE! Its been almost a year now and still no sign of coming back.
So that makes me wonder "if i started/continued for so many years because of my depression, what is the reason for me using now?" My sub doc clapped when I said this lol then told me to go see a therapist to find the underlying issues. I don't see the point really, my mental issues are super subsized now. But I do need to know whats driving me to use in order to stay sober..so I kept thinking about it and I believe I now use dope (or rather, did 1mo ago) because I am bored..and my life feels incomplete. So thats what that list of 10 things above is for..so hopefully I can rid the want to use.
Last thought I promise! Ever since I can remember I've felt like I had an important role in this world. Just no idea what...I bounced in and out of college countless times never stuck with it. So since the past few weeks maybe month I've started praying and asking God what HE wants me to do to better this world. I know a lot of you will just flame me for the whole God thing, but I don't care. Its how I think/feel and you can't change that. There has been many moments and times I should have died or miraculous events (e.g grandmas cancer literally disappeared) where I just can't deny it any longer. I need to stop worrying about what my life career /future/calling will be and think about it in a different way. I was never that kid that was like "im going to bbe a doctor/lawyer/fire fighter/etc - - And I feel like I've already gotten a response. For my entire high school career I tossed the idea back and forth about becoming a psychiatrist. I feel on my heart that its something I should possibly pursue. I have always had a lot of compassion for others, but as of late I feel like I have an overwhelming interest in others problems and helping them. Also an overwhelming feeling of sadness for the world. For the people (especially kids) that have gone thru life without 2 stable parents, being picked on at school, young weekend warriors on the path to destruction, and just overall, peoples happiness concerns me. I want to fix it all for them. I was bullied at CHURCH as a kid. I never want a kid to have to go thru that..at church/school/wherever. As hard as anyone tries to hide it, that shit HURTS. I don't care who you are. I've been thru insane depression, drug addiction, somewhat of a sexual thing when I was 5-7ish (long story, but close to sexual abuse -- if anyone has experience with that you should msg me, I've truly been confused about that part of my life and never ONCE talked about it outloud. But I'm wanting everything outin the open. So now im ready to talk about it...was I abused? was it my fault? )) and just a train wreck of other shit...my sister has seen me struggle thru life (she is 15) and I know after all that shit and finidng me 100% completely dead on the floor, I know she wont make the same mistakes..and knowing that she wont suffer? That makes my past worth it. I believe I had to go thru all those shitty situations so I could truly relate to peoples problems and possibly help them out. Because we all know how it is when a non-addict talks to an addict about getting clean...just quit! its all choice! its so easy idk why you keep torturing everyone around you! Bullllshit. The person helping needs to be able to relate. And now, I should be able to relate to a lot of things and pain.
I have been an opiate addict since I was 16...so 6..almost 7 years now. I'd been using meth off and on the entire time. Only now, the past 1.5yrs I've been pretty heavily addicted to it as well.
I keep thinking to myself I hate never feeling "normal" -- Which to me, since I started at a younger age, normal is being perfectly content (high as fuck haha) even stupid shit, like if I ever notice I'm cold. I'll be like dammit, I just want to feel normal...aka full warmth of opiates. But in reality thats so incredibly stupid..who the fucks "normal" is constantly high on dope haha. We don't go through life feeling like a million dollars every second of the day. I need to accept the fact that being high on opiates 24/7 is not worth it. Its not normal! I've cried more in these past two weeks than I have in the past 6-7 years it seems. I guess I'm finally allowing my emotions to surface.
So now I need to find what my "normal" is..they say it takes months to get back to the person you used to be. Well, before drugs I was absolutely miserable. Not to mention 16 haha. Now im almost 23. I need to find myself..my purpose in life..my will to live.
At home (Seattle) I sit around all day and watch TV. I know its terrible, but I abandoned all my real friends. All I have left is dope friends. Well actually, lets do a side note here. I have quite a few acquaintances in this dope game but really only have 2 people I'd call friends, in fact I'd call them family. I met them while i was doing dope but our friendship is so soo much more. Sure right now its 100% about dope, but thats because that was the main focus in all our lives. Well now I'm starting my path to sobriety and they keep saying to want to as well, but are putting it off. Partially (or maybe fully) because they are going to get on methadone and its a bitch getting into a clinic around here, especially with no insurance. Oh and they are looking for a clinic that they don't have to go to daily. They either want a script from a doctor (told them its insanely unrealistic, especially with no proof of "pain" or even been to a doctor the past 7 years) orr they want a clinic that gives lots of take homes. I didn't know this but apparently here in Moses Lake (WA) there is a 'done clinic that lets you come in once per day, once per week, or once per month. Its 100% up to the therapist you go talk to on your first visit. He decides your fate apparently. So I can understand them being dope addicts, they are lazy and they are still back in Seattle where im pretty sure all clinics are a daily M-F thing.
I really don't want to drop my only 2 friends in this world, its not just a dope-friendship. I can see every other single relationship I had (since i scared off my real friends) during the last 5yrs or so have been all 100% fake friends. I went over to their house a few days ago (oh yeah, they are bf+gf) and I watched them do dope in front of me. Which they would never normally do, but I reassured them 35353 times id be fine and they were sick so they did their thing. And I was totally fine. I could have easily gotten dope that instant and shot up, but I didn't want to. So I definitely want to keep these 2 friends in my life, but do you think thats possible? Maybe I should do the hard thing and say I need space for a month or two to get my shit together?
And since I've had so SO many failed attempts, I decided to go about it a different way. The way I got myself to stop taking 10 ecstasy pills/day 5ish years ago. And thats when there were no such thing as a "bad pill" haha. Anyways I kept telling myself one step at a time, I can use if it gets too much, dont stress...<- just what I tell myself, I wouldn't actually relapse with such ease --Now I'm doing somewhat of a similar thing..so rather than telling myself "no more opiates for the rest of your life!" I did 1 month clean, 2 days of dope (well, 36hrs) and I'm fine..still have the ability to go for a 3rd day but I'm not. And I know I'm playing with fire here. I'm a drug addict. Definition I cannot handle the responsibility of occasional using. But hey..its helping me get further than I have in a long time. I guess for me its all about the mindset. I think what I will do is either A) I can use twice a month, which days have no matter or B) Use every 2nd and 4th weekend of each month. So 4 days/month instead of 2. Aka every two weeks I get high on sat-sun. -- Then after 1-2 months I will switch to every 3rd week or just one weekend a month. Im at this stage right now, im not even sure why I'm talking about back tracking. Must be the addict inside! Anyways then down to once a month and then nothing. Its a different style of taper I know, but so far its been working for me. The only thing that has taken hold in the past 7 years. The longest I've been clean from dope is 3 months. I was on suboxone tho. That was 4.5yrs ago. Since then I've had 2 sets of 1 month clean and 1 set of another 3 months clean (still using subs-haven't been 100% opiate free for 2 days in a row since I was 16)
I just moved back to Moses Lake where its my "guaranteed clean" spot. I don't even have a weed dealer here, and have never once gone looking for a hook up. So as long as I stay here I'll be clean, but in the past that has proven to have adverse effects. Since I was hulled up in this little town for 3 months at a time doing nothing but working on my computer 12hrs/daily and 6hrs/daily of TV/movies (sad I know) my will to use without me knowing grew soooo fast..When I decided to move back I didn't even make it all the way home to my house, I had to stop on the way back to get dope. It came back with a vengeance ! It was worse than ever that one time I went back..within a matter of weeks I had gone with all my money ($9k) not ALL purely on dope, i bought a lot of meth, spent a lot at the casino, 3k of it went to lending friends money. I even stooped so low as to pawn my families laptop! I to this day cannot believe I did such a horrific thing. I obviously knew I was going to get caught..its not like they wouldnt notice it gone. I just didnt even care..
I know it would help sooo incredibly much if I actually had something in life to live for. I know I know, family, life itself, etc etc..but I need purpose. Otherwise I feel like I am just floating around through life. So here is what I propose....
1. Every day come up with a new goal (nothing insane, just little things like "read 50 pages in *blank* book")
2. Either find a job or get back into my computer gig (internet marketing) sure its boring but what job isn't? And it pays 5-10x more.
3. Start building HONEST relationships with my family. I'm sick of lying.
4. Maybe start going to NA meetings (never been) and get support or maybe meet some sober friends.
5. Start day with prayer, stretching and yoga. Do 1hr of aerobics every other day and weight training the others. (this will be hardest!!!)
6. Realize normal, every day people, cannot keep an addiction going forever. Even celebs with unlimited money/free time are miserable and some even get clean!
6.2 - Realize this whole thing is bigger than me..Its a battle that I've lost and wont ever win. Also need to remind myself life on opiates isn't much of a life at all, especially with zero emotions.
7. Start paying off bills, get my license re-instated, and get a running car.
8. 9. and 10 are all simple...to live life to its fullest and just have fun..This life means practically nothing compared to the next, might as well have fun..why torture myself?
I've done a lot of maturing these past 10-12months when I accepted God into my life. So fuck you scientist who say brains stop developing after hard drugs are started
Just a lot of little things..like even a year back I would think..I NEED to be rich..have an awesome house..awesome cars, sure money doesn't buy happiness but pretty damn close! Lots of money = lots of stuff to do = having fun = meaning of life!But now..just months later..I don't care about any of that. I don't care if I even make average income I just want to be able to live semi-comfortably. And another awesome car? (used to race, I had a mitsu evolution) what the hell for! Higher insurance, more gas, higher car payments..Yeah I'll take the Toyota for 1/3rd the price and that will last twice as long lol. So I feel like I'm finally mentally ready to get this thing called life goin..im tired of being in a haze, constantly worrying about staying well, not even getting high..
I'm ready to do this! I'm still deciding if I want to do 100% no opiates or do that taper plan I talked about (1-2x month) but I've already made it through the first month so I'm well on my way (hey, quitting is hard!) I will eventually stop doing shards (meth) too..right now I smoke it quite often..Even IV some days. I had a problem with it when I was 16-17 then I found opiates and it instantly became second string, so even now with no opiates in my life, I still am able (for now) to maintain with my meth use. It hasn't gotten out of hand in yearrrs. And obviously I am an addict so it could at any time and I shouldn't risk it..but whatever, its helping with the no dope thing (and YES--its kind of trading one addiction for another, except I was already addcited!) but NO-- its NOT the same because I am not dependent on meth. Neither physically nor mentally.
I'd love your guys' input on whether you think I should drop opi's all together or continue with this 1-2x month taper thing. I would never in a million years suggest anyone do the taper plan I laid out, but I've tried the other way 50 times. This way has worked for me in the past and I truly believe it will help. Just KNOWING I can get high twice a month if I need to gets rid of most of my anxiety all together. I'm just tricking my mind...don't trip Jeff, if you get too deep just do a fat shot! And I would never do that..but telling myself that keeps my mind at ease.
Also would love input on what to do about my 2 friends that are wanting to quit but haven't made the leap yet. I love them to death and would give them my last shot even if I were dope sick so its much more than the drugs..but on the other hand if for whatever reason they dont make that leap and dont get clean, I think I will have to distance myself. Sure I'm fine going over there now and have no trouble not using, but what about the day that im over there kickin it and life takes a turn for the worse? I just don't think I should be risking it...(only if they dont quit, I'll risk being fresh sober buddies with them any day)
One last memo, even tho I'm sure 99% of you haven't read even half this, just skimmed or looked at the top of the post then bottom. Which is totally cool, a lot of this is rambling and thoughts I need to get out in order to keep things movin smoothly. Anywho-- I started doing meth/heroin because I had severe depression and anxiety along with PTSD. I couldn't handle my emotions or my brains constant thoughts of how im a failure or a screw up whatever. So I self-medicated. Didn't start with codeine/vikes or whatever..first did meth (after weed/ecstasy of course) then went right to oxy (snorted half an 80 first time - almost crashed my car like 9x) then the next time I did opiates was heroin. I was looking for the hardest medication and fastest relief. Well, ever since I become a real Christian, that depression has completely washed away. Sure I get depressed about certain things like everyone else does. But my daily battle of severe mental disorders is GONE! Its been almost a year now and still no sign of coming back.
So that makes me wonder "if i started/continued for so many years because of my depression, what is the reason for me using now?" My sub doc clapped when I said this lol then told me to go see a therapist to find the underlying issues. I don't see the point really, my mental issues are super subsized now. But I do need to know whats driving me to use in order to stay sober..so I kept thinking about it and I believe I now use dope (or rather, did 1mo ago) because I am bored..and my life feels incomplete. So thats what that list of 10 things above is for..so hopefully I can rid the want to use.
Last thought I promise! Ever since I can remember I've felt like I had an important role in this world. Just no idea what...I bounced in and out of college countless times never stuck with it. So since the past few weeks maybe month I've started praying and asking God what HE wants me to do to better this world. I know a lot of you will just flame me for the whole God thing, but I don't care. Its how I think/feel and you can't change that. There has been many moments and times I should have died or miraculous events (e.g grandmas cancer literally disappeared) where I just can't deny it any longer. I need to stop worrying about what my life career /future/calling will be and think about it in a different way. I was never that kid that was like "im going to bbe a doctor/lawyer/fire fighter/etc - - And I feel like I've already gotten a response. For my entire high school career I tossed the idea back and forth about becoming a psychiatrist. I feel on my heart that its something I should possibly pursue. I have always had a lot of compassion for others, but as of late I feel like I have an overwhelming interest in others problems and helping them. Also an overwhelming feeling of sadness for the world. For the people (especially kids) that have gone thru life without 2 stable parents, being picked on at school, young weekend warriors on the path to destruction, and just overall, peoples happiness concerns me. I want to fix it all for them. I was bullied at CHURCH as a kid. I never want a kid to have to go thru that..at church/school/wherever. As hard as anyone tries to hide it, that shit HURTS. I don't care who you are. I've been thru insane depression, drug addiction, somewhat of a sexual thing when I was 5-7ish (long story, but close to sexual abuse -- if anyone has experience with that you should msg me, I've truly been confused about that part of my life and never ONCE talked about it outloud. But I'm wanting everything outin the open. So now im ready to talk about it...was I abused? was it my fault? )) and just a train wreck of other shit...my sister has seen me struggle thru life (she is 15) and I know after all that shit and finidng me 100% completely dead on the floor, I know she wont make the same mistakes..and knowing that she wont suffer? That makes my past worth it. I believe I had to go thru all those shitty situations so I could truly relate to peoples problems and possibly help them out. Because we all know how it is when a non-addict talks to an addict about getting clean...just quit! its all choice! its so easy idk why you keep torturing everyone around you! Bullllshit. The person helping needs to be able to relate. And now, I should be able to relate to a lot of things and pain.
