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My boyfriend's insecurity issues...

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xburtonchic

Bluelighter
Joined
May 17, 2011
Messages
1,004
I just started dating my boyfriend, our relationship is really new but already his insecurity is popping up hardcore. He is constantly saying that he doesn't feel like he deserves me, that I'm too good for him, that I'm going to break up with him one day, that he "can't believe a girl like me would like a guy like him", and other things like that.

It's so bad that the other day I was telling him that I want to quit dope and he didn't want me to! Ever since I started taking more of it, I've been feeling sick all of the time. I told him that, and he knows that because he's seen how horrible it makes me feel (not dopesick, just all the time), and so I said that after this sack I'm going back on Suboxone. He got kind of upset and kept saying, "It's just unfair to you." And I kept asking him what was unfair and what he had against Suboxone and etc., and he finally said, "I just think it's unfair that you have to take Suboxone when you could keep taking dope because I could give it to you." I explained to him that's not what I want... that the dope is what is making me feel sick, and I need to stop taking it... and he got upset and finally told me the reason he was so upset is because he thinks that if I quit taking dope, I won't want to be with him anymore.

Idk. I just think that when his insecurity is to the point where he would rather me feel unwell all the time than do something good for my life, my health, and myself in general... just because of the way he THINKS it COULD affect the way I see him... then it's a problem. I mean, I can't even wrap my head around how insecure one would have to be to want their boyfriend or girlfriend to be sick all of the time rather than get well...?

I plan on talking to him about that specific issue, because it's really been bothering me. But I need some advice on the core issue - his insecurity - and how I should deal with it. I don't want to break up with him. I want to work on it and have a good, healthy relationship with him if possible. His insecurity is really the only thing that's hurting our relationship, and if his behavior continues like this, it's going to end up having been a very short one. I don't want that. I just want to be with my boyfriend and be happy, is that too much to ask?

Hopefully someone has some good advice on how we can deal with this and make it work... I don't want our relationship to end before it could even really start... thanks..
 
sockpuppet said:
Forget insecure - your boyfriend is an asshole. A serious asshole.

Get on bupe ASAP and dump him. He is sick and you ARE much too good for him.

Get away from opioids and anyone who could have so little concern for your life and don't look back.
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Really helpful.


A drug forum isn't the best place to ask for relationship advice. Some terrible advice going around here lately.
 
this is gonna be one of those things where hes gotta be on his own to fix the problems he has, which are serious, before he can be in a normal relationship.
 
Yikes. I would highly advise you to leave him if you care about your own well-being. If you want to quit dope, somebody who truly cares about you will support that decision because it's a choice you want to make, let alone a healthy choice. It sounds like he doesn't respect your decision(big red flag right there). I can smell his insecurity and self-centered frame of mine from here. And it stinks.

The insecurity screams an unhealthy relationship waiting to happen. I've been there and it was not pretty. In fact, my ex used to tell me the same thing- that he couldn't believe a "girl like me" would date a "guy like him". Sadly I put up with it because I simply wanted a boyfriend and to be in a happy relationship. Silly of me.. And not worth it.

You sound smart enough to be aware that the way he's acting is not right. You can talk to him about the issue, but what's that gonna do? His insecure frame of mind won't go away after a talk. He has issues. You say that his insecurity is the only thing holding back a healthy relationship. But that's a big deal, sadly. Just go with your gut feeling on this. Good luck.
 
Only a psychiatrist can help him. If I were you, I'd run. Run!
 
From what is written, its sounds very much like he doesn't really care about you, at least not in the way that you care about him.

He wants you there to deal all his problems and he doesn't seem to care what it takes to keep you there. To try and keep you on the drugs just to improve what he perceives to be his chances of you staying around is selfish beyond words.

Sounds like the type of person who will suck you in with what appears to be vulnerability, then slowly over time make you feel more and more responsible for his life. He may start treating you like shit and convince you to accept it because you failed to help him and now he has some problem which is making him be that way.

Maybe thats not him at all, but its not an uncommon scenario. If this is where things are heading, you will eventually years later stagger away from this relationship a burned out wreck. After much pleading and groaning, he will quickly move on to the next patron and tell them how his shitty ex fucked up his life and now he feels abit insecure, that he doesn't deserve someone so wonderful as them...
 
I'm going to jump on the bandwagon a bit here.

Such serious insecurity issues are generally deeply ingrained - don't expect to be able to fix them. In fact, it might get a LOT worse the longer you are together.

I'd be out of there like a flash, especially if you're looking at getting clean - makes things a lot harder with his issues adding to the stress of things. If you stay with him longer, it may become harder and harder to leave him. Be careful not to get trapped and staying with someone out of guilt.

Good luck.
 
This relationship is BEYOND unhealthy. Someone who is so insecure and loves themselves so little is not capable of loving you. His behavior is becoming controlling and that is not the type of relationship that you want to be in. A partner should ALWAYS want you to be healthy and happy and anyone who impedes on that goal is certainly not worth your time, let alone your love.

He may have potential to be a good partner, but there are a lot of things he needs to work on with himself before he is even capable on any level of being a good partner. This is not healthy for you to persue and continue, especially while you are trying to get clean and when you need to focus on yourself and your own well being. I'm sure there is a (psychological) reason why you became addicted, so it sounds like you have some of your own issues to work on as well. People don't become addicts because their lives are wonderful and they are psychologically sound. Most people become addicts because there is some psychological issue they are trying to cope with, depression or anxiety to name a couple.
 
sockpuppet said:
Actually I would say my advice was as helpful and honest as she is likely to find anywhere. I notice you didn't give her any advice though....

The issue is not his "insecurity" - it's his eagerness to keep this young person he claims to care about addicted to a drug that is almost certain to vastly diminish her potential in life even if it does not end up killing/severely injuring her in the near future. To encourage someone to not only keep shooting dope when she wants to quit but to make it an issue of control in the relationship is something pimps do - not someone who loves someone else.

I was a dopefiend for many years in the old pre-oxy/pre-sniffing "hope to die" inner city IV dope world and even my most lowdown and scummy fellow street junkies back then would have cursed out this dude and told him he was a punk. The behavior she describes is completely twisted and she needs to run from this dude NOW and get herself cleaned up.

That's solid fucking advice....
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Amen.

I think this place can be a GREAT resource. Wouldn't drug users, or people who used to use drugs, have the most experience with drug related problems?

Bioavail, saying this is the WRONG place to ask for relationship advice is just close minded and ignorant. Is it wrong to ask for advice about an issue in second opinion? Or to discuss sports or technology here as well? Bluelight is a HARM REDUCTION forum, that includes other facets of life as well, not JUST drug use.
 
Sounds like a tool and a total pussy. Ditch him and find yourself a real man with some self respect. Problem solved. As for the dope, good luck. I've been clean 9 months. Coming off of suboxone this month.
 
She said she likes the guy and he's a nice person. He just has anxiety issues that overwhelm any rational thought. If you really like the guy and want to stay with him, get him to see a psychiatrist to work on his problems. If he isn't a selfish asshole in other aspects of the relationship then you can probably work through this. But he needs professional help regardless.
 
PFF has some great advice in here - spon on, throughout.

xbc, I'm surprised to hear you'd be willing to put up with someone like that! You certainly do deserve better and his willingness to keep you doped up to ensure you stay with him is fucking sick. As has been said, he needs serious help to address these issues before he'd even be CAPABLE of having anything resembling a healthy relationship and unfortunately, there is nothing you can do to change that or help him get over his insecurity. It's beyond what you could possibly do for him.

Take care of yourself because it's clear this guy isn't going to.
 
Its been my experience that if a guy is sincere when he tells you that you are too good for him, you should believe him.
 
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