Asante
Bluelighter
- Joined
- May 4, 2012
- Messages
- 1,112
An Easter Monday Sermon in the Church of Rectal Methoxetamine by Reverend Asante
A sermon for all heathens and unbelievers who, like myself were too high from Bicycle Day and 420, or had entirely valid personal reasons not to attend Easter Sunday Mass, and for those who did but want to recapture the feeling.
Brothers, Sisters and all In Between!
Last night when I lay in bed I had an extraordinary dream. In my country there is something called the Avondvierdaagse, where people attend for a scenic hike through whichever city this hike is held in.
I found myself in the bus riding towards my destination, but! something was all wrong. I was obese and out of shape, as I am. I had pain in my back and pain in my ankles and, yes, instead of hiking boots I had nothing but flip flops on my feet.
In other words brethren, and I mean this in the broadest sense, I was totally unprepared for the journey.
I arrived at my destination and I thought: There is no way I can hike that far under these conditions. I would suffer immensely and I would fail, and I would be left to my own devices out in the wilderness.
In despair I looked in my wallet and wondered if I should call a taxi, but oh! I didnt bring my cell phone and the money in my wallet was not enough, because I was far away from home.
Then something happened: The money in my wallet multiplied. Bills added to bills and now there was enough to go back by bus. I didnt know where I was, I was out in the boondocks but then I thought: The bus driver. I can wait for the next bus and ask the bus driver which connections of busses I needed to get back home.
And I awoke, disturbed I tell you. I went downstairs, took my heart meds, my vitamins and ate a banana.
I wondered, brethren, the universe has put me on a journey. Would it be a journey I can undertake, or would I be stranded in the wilderness, all alone, left to my own devices?
The idea was born to consult the Eucharist. So I weighed 40 milligrams of Methoxetamine, mixed it into a milliliter of water, and sucked it into a syringe without a needle. I buttered it up good, burnt incense on my altar, and went to my bedroom. There, brethren, I raised the syringe aloft and asked the Universe for a blessing, and felt I received it. I lay myself down in foetal position, pants lowered, and inserted the front end of the buttered syringe into my rectum. As I put my finger on the plunger my Inner Voice spoke to me and said: "I will send you on a journey. Do you believe in yourself?" And I said yes. It asked: "do you believe you are ready for this leap into the unknown?" I again said yes. "Then Asante, you may take the plunge." I took the plunge, retieved the syringe, went downbstairs, washed it with soap and then returned to my comfy chair, closing my eyes.
Brothers, sisters and all in between, I was taken aloft! That anal rocket took me to the stars, and then beyond.
I was cast into myself, the outside world left behind, absorbed into a dimension of thought and experience that what all me.
My Inner Voice, which also is entirely me, awaited me there and amidst this comforting inner dimension it began instructing me.
Brethren, it told me that all is One. It told me I should not fear Sin, because Sin too is part of that One and is here to teach us. It taught me that Sin often leads to Suffering but that Suffering too is a learning experience. I asked, "But what of Death?" It told me, "Then life starts anew and you will ascend higher still in that next life." I asked where it would lead and it told me this:
"You are God's Child. You are all God's Children. This is what is preached a lot but it is often misunderstood. What it means that each and every one of you are the child form of that God, in different incarnations spread out amongst each other. Even though there is a succession of lower to higher, all are of exactly equal value as all are the Lord God Himself, Herself, Itself. That is the true meaning of being God's Children. And once the Highest is achieved, and you are the One God Almighty in all Its Glory, then the Snake will bite its own tail, and It will descend from the Most High to the most Low, and go the journey, that is all of existence, forevermore."
Brethren, I was in awe at this revelation. But then came a personal message.
"Your dream of last night, what it meant was that you are afraid that Life itself is a journey that you cannot complete, and that you will be lost in the wilderness. This will not be, not in this life, but in any life. Never will more be asked of you than you can give, and never will less be asked of you than you need to grow. And how you will do it will be just right, with all the glory and the suffering and the pleasure and pain, your euphoria and despair, into life, into death, forevermore."
My Inner Voice then told me that it wanted me, wanted us, to believe and have hope in our hearts, and try to have faith in the journey of our lives, in both the journey and the destination.
An idea formed to write this sermon, and it told me that there would be people who would worry, who would frown and shake their head, but that Good surely was to come of it, and that it would serve to entertain and inspire most who make it through. It told me to bring it with zeal, with humor and humility, and that I should emphasize greatly that all people, exactly as they are, are equally Divine.
It told me that it was Easter, and that this was my Mass, it asked me if I was ready to go out into the world, I said it was so and was told to open my eyes, and there I sat, in my chair, high and content on this beautiful morning of Easter Monday.
Because it is Easter I will send you home with a story from the Great Book that is The Internet, a story which, befitting Easter, is called, The Egg and it is wholesome for all, be it an Atheist or Believer of whatever denomination to ponder.
Brothers, Sisters, and all In Between, I wish you a blessed Easter Monday, thank you for attending.
May You Feel Blessed.
A sermon for all heathens and unbelievers who, like myself were too high from Bicycle Day and 420, or had entirely valid personal reasons not to attend Easter Sunday Mass, and for those who did but want to recapture the feeling.
Brothers, Sisters and all In Between!
Last night when I lay in bed I had an extraordinary dream. In my country there is something called the Avondvierdaagse, where people attend for a scenic hike through whichever city this hike is held in.
I found myself in the bus riding towards my destination, but! something was all wrong. I was obese and out of shape, as I am. I had pain in my back and pain in my ankles and, yes, instead of hiking boots I had nothing but flip flops on my feet.
In other words brethren, and I mean this in the broadest sense, I was totally unprepared for the journey.
I arrived at my destination and I thought: There is no way I can hike that far under these conditions. I would suffer immensely and I would fail, and I would be left to my own devices out in the wilderness.
In despair I looked in my wallet and wondered if I should call a taxi, but oh! I didnt bring my cell phone and the money in my wallet was not enough, because I was far away from home.
Then something happened: The money in my wallet multiplied. Bills added to bills and now there was enough to go back by bus. I didnt know where I was, I was out in the boondocks but then I thought: The bus driver. I can wait for the next bus and ask the bus driver which connections of busses I needed to get back home.
And I awoke, disturbed I tell you. I went downstairs, took my heart meds, my vitamins and ate a banana.
I wondered, brethren, the universe has put me on a journey. Would it be a journey I can undertake, or would I be stranded in the wilderness, all alone, left to my own devices?
The idea was born to consult the Eucharist. So I weighed 40 milligrams of Methoxetamine, mixed it into a milliliter of water, and sucked it into a syringe without a needle. I buttered it up good, burnt incense on my altar, and went to my bedroom. There, brethren, I raised the syringe aloft and asked the Universe for a blessing, and felt I received it. I lay myself down in foetal position, pants lowered, and inserted the front end of the buttered syringe into my rectum. As I put my finger on the plunger my Inner Voice spoke to me and said: "I will send you on a journey. Do you believe in yourself?" And I said yes. It asked: "do you believe you are ready for this leap into the unknown?" I again said yes. "Then Asante, you may take the plunge." I took the plunge, retieved the syringe, went downbstairs, washed it with soap and then returned to my comfy chair, closing my eyes.
Brothers, sisters and all in between, I was taken aloft! That anal rocket took me to the stars, and then beyond.
I was cast into myself, the outside world left behind, absorbed into a dimension of thought and experience that what all me.
My Inner Voice, which also is entirely me, awaited me there and amidst this comforting inner dimension it began instructing me.
Brethren, it told me that all is One. It told me I should not fear Sin, because Sin too is part of that One and is here to teach us. It taught me that Sin often leads to Suffering but that Suffering too is a learning experience. I asked, "But what of Death?" It told me, "Then life starts anew and you will ascend higher still in that next life." I asked where it would lead and it told me this:
"You are God's Child. You are all God's Children. This is what is preached a lot but it is often misunderstood. What it means that each and every one of you are the child form of that God, in different incarnations spread out amongst each other. Even though there is a succession of lower to higher, all are of exactly equal value as all are the Lord God Himself, Herself, Itself. That is the true meaning of being God's Children. And once the Highest is achieved, and you are the One God Almighty in all Its Glory, then the Snake will bite its own tail, and It will descend from the Most High to the most Low, and go the journey, that is all of existence, forevermore."
Brethren, I was in awe at this revelation. But then came a personal message.
"Your dream of last night, what it meant was that you are afraid that Life itself is a journey that you cannot complete, and that you will be lost in the wilderness. This will not be, not in this life, but in any life. Never will more be asked of you than you can give, and never will less be asked of you than you need to grow. And how you will do it will be just right, with all the glory and the suffering and the pleasure and pain, your euphoria and despair, into life, into death, forevermore."
My Inner Voice then told me that it wanted me, wanted us, to believe and have hope in our hearts, and try to have faith in the journey of our lives, in both the journey and the destination.
An idea formed to write this sermon, and it told me that there would be people who would worry, who would frown and shake their head, but that Good surely was to come of it, and that it would serve to entertain and inspire most who make it through. It told me to bring it with zeal, with humor and humility, and that I should emphasize greatly that all people, exactly as they are, are equally Divine.
It told me that it was Easter, and that this was my Mass, it asked me if I was ready to go out into the world, I said it was so and was told to open my eyes, and there I sat, in my chair, high and content on this beautiful morning of Easter Monday.
Because it is Easter I will send you home with a story from the Great Book that is The Internet, a story which, befitting Easter, is called, The Egg and it is wholesome for all, be it an Atheist or Believer of whatever denomination to ponder.
Brothers, Sisters, and all In Between, I wish you a blessed Easter Monday, thank you for attending.
May You Feel Blessed.