TDS Mutilated by Misery-- “Another Battle Lost to Life’s Warfare”-- How much is too Much?

[TheStarOnIR]

“Another Battle Lost to Life’s Warfare” How much is too much?

I want to ask someone any one,

-When does it all end, when can I rest. Not tonight so I'll crawl through the fire and sleep when I die. Life is a crazy constantly changing thing. I was once a doer a finisher and never a dreamer. The liberals and the lazy they always lose. Two things happen, while I'm fulfilling what others are dreaming, I crush the competition. Now I'm just another negligent narcissistic shit head with a substantial liquidity at my disposal.

-Funny the way it is; life's strange way of unintentionally conveying ironic signs. These maybe meaningless but to be fair - maybe not, ironic signs present themselves at precise and perfect times, places, all circumstantial in direct correlation to you, your life, the current issue if there in fact is one and resolution for a cure for reference.

-I can’t speak for everyone but it always happens to me when I am radiating with disappointment. When I'm so fucking low and lacking that will to live righteously. Too often this occurs in for lack of better words life's warfare.

-It’s always when I'm so low that I constantly just sit and loathe, I then find a way to become High in heavens sky via FDA approved speed, which seems to be my quick ticket to paradise. I get so tweaked out that essentially I scramble for quick easement.

-So tell me, is it the lucrative "correct" way of maintaining myself? Probably not, regardless it’s my way and it I have effectively and continue to do so as best I know how.

-Nothing more than another Bar-Stool Prophecy at my very best. Vigorously consuming-beer to beer-to beer - in a swift effort to effectively drink my way into sobriety.

-Then suddenly as you painstakingly force toxic cloudy urine from a shriveled cock in the little boys filthy bathroom; this I must say and I do so representing all of us I'm sure. A man’s most viable time to review the life lead in general and in short term description dwell on the continuing conglomeration of frivolity and recklessness An ever so risky way to live, but the satisfaction of instant gratification in the little blue capsule I can't help but to occasionally consume. These times of adversity unfortunately reoccur too often.

-Steadfast firm tight grip, knees bent a bit. I am drawn back by the plunge. Jittered and Confused with a 101.3 degree fever, dry elastic skin flushed bright red, and significantly malnourished, yet still mind on a quick temporary inquisitions - A young to middle age broad w/ low rate of attraction just as miserable and desperate as I- now becomes a steal of a deal.

-All of the typical girls, the high class, lovely little lying ladies become "Out of my League" this to blame on the drug fueled chaos, otherwise I'd so effortlessly pull at peek the gorgeous pointless promiscuous piece of top shelf pussy. Not in the comedown though.


-The Neurological State is at a High-Risk point now. My catecholamine’s and flowing dopamine significantly dwindling and becoming less and less Euphoric I'm sure very dangerously unbalanced. All of my Neurotransmitters are quickly misfiring, synaptic not conducive. This implicating neurotransmission of all Cerebral Chemical Flow conveys a very near crash at a rate so fast the come down will be detrimental, an anticipated burner I foresee.

-My mind still flying 90 to nothing, plus the 52 hour non-stop streak of toxic concoctions and unprotected sex. All to define in detail a life of the rare but existing "Modern Day Massuer."

-Its then I hear a sweet serenity of musical composure that generously spoken, to be quite honest it's a just good enough rendition of --The Eagles-- "Desperado"-- It's catchy melodic tune begins to play and I realize suddenly; its lyrics are somehow relative to the concurrent conduction that I've maintained, how I should just "come to my senses." Seems so damn relevant if only I had any sense to reference to it just excuses the relevance and I continue to rock on.

-This in all of its inglorious ridiculousness seems as somewhat of an inadvertent ascription a sign and it never fails to be significantly ironic. The Half-Ass cover plays while I have now initiated legitimacy in this flow which is now masking the underlying illness probably conveyed once within my urine for now the booze has brought clarity to the cloudy stream that I had previously excreted all day.

-These weird signals we become aware every now and then never seize to amaze me. I being naturally superfluous in terms analytical dissection- Admittedly I will say makes up for a large majority of all that I do. I detail things, I’m up and I’m down per my state mentally at the time. Addiction isn't the case, I binge through bad times. Though wrongful, I do it anyways.

-The fact of the matter is, here I reside in the land of the lotus eaters, I'm so disgusted with myself and I'm not entirely unhappy about that. Sure, I'm mutilated by misery, I lost the love of my life I rarely see my daughter, all I have now is this obscene amount of money I've managed to earn in the service rendered to the Mighty, Throbbing Erection of Corporate America, The most successful cocks-man ever.

-Sex, money, and drugs are the Tylenol of life. It's just a temporary alleviation from the real life gift of adversity. I'm so tired that I can't sleep; I hope I find peace for just one night. This success means nothing without the love that I lost. It's gone, I'm gone, and all that was beautiful is now beaten to death by my ability to disappoint all those around me.

-I believe in happy endings, I think it's the unhappy ones that get a bad rep. They are just as real and interesting as the happy ones. Things fall apart, they break, and that’s life. In the end whether it’s me hoping and wishing for my family back or kicking dirt, become inebriated via alcohol Infused libation it's all a part of the plan. Everything happens for a reason, satisfaction is the eternal death of desire. Wine is fine but whiskey is quicker and a lot more tolerated in a delinquent community by night.

-She won't always love you no matter what. Harsh lessons learned it was the best of times it was the worst of times. Fuck it, two words that led me to a lengthily law suit I lost, a family I lost. Still I’ve got my money, a way with words although excessive and pedantic, I sit and wonder if I’ll ever stop serving these golden dreams on silver platters. So I ask you all- To quote the clash- "Should I stay or should I go" because at this point I have no real understanding of anything anymore. Nowhereland, Alabama has no help credible enough to save me from myself... Otherwise I’m only left to ease the pain and have another drink I presume bottoms up I’ll hit the bottle it really helps, Cheers!

 

[nooneanymore]

This was kind of fun to read.

 

[Black Rabbit of Inle]

Your post is a bit vague and hard to understand, but from the sounds of it you have hit a point where you need to re-evaluate what you are doing to yourself.

You seem to have realized this with your post title, 'How much is too much'. I'd say you're close to the limit, traveling fast down a one-way street. It's time to find a place to turn around.

 

[Eyes On the Roll]

I would not have been able to read all of that if I had not gotten my Adderall script back this morning. It's been two years since I had it. I foresee myself taking it as prescribed, and stopping the kratom and the infrequent alcohol consumption.

My adderall is starting to wear off and I'm becoming tired, so I'm sorry if I stray off topic but here goes..

I believe that because of the way our social societies are, there is a small percentage of people who just do not fit. I believe these to be the introverted people, or people with poor social skills, or people that are just different, but not necessarily bad. Since approximately 2/3's of the population is composed of extroverts (people who thrive on social interaction), the introverts are cast to the side and have a hard time relating to society, or fitting in socially. These are the people who become depressed, or lonely, because they have few people who understand or relate to them.

I believe that most drug users are these types of people (the introverted, the shy, the slightly autistic, the people so smart that they don't have any peers, the people who don't enjoy social interaction, the people who enjoy their own company, the people who don't enjoy social interaction). Hence, the reason why some of us feel the need to take drugs, is because with drugs/alcohol we can tear down those walls and relate to people, and enjoy social interaction, and possibly fit in somewhere in the world. FUCK.. I'm starting to loose my train of thought.. ok here goes..

I wouldn't say I'm depressed, but I have been anhedonic my whole life and showed little joy towards anything. It isn't a miserable existence, but it's not enjoyable either. I'm neither here, nor there about anything. I'm indifferent, I don't care, and I honestly wish I did.

I think there are people like me, and like you, who just need to find their medicine. My dad tells me that he was the exact same way as I am. He used to smoke weed, and abuse certain drugs to be able to interact normally in social situations. Now all he has is a prescription to klonopin that he takes every day, and that satisfies the compulsive need he feels to take a drug. He is very successfull now.

It seems that you've taken a shit load of speed, way more than you should have, and you are regretting it, and mad at yourself for it. I was once trapped in that cycle, and if you don't get out, you will always be trapped and it will be never ending. You take a shit load of speed, feel great, crash, feel terrible.. and do it all over again, perpetually.

You certainly can mask pain with copious amounts of drugs, but when you're so high or so low all the time, you will never fully learn how to cope with the pain. I'd suggest getting a grasp on how much your taking, and have control over it. That's what I'm doing now. I used to fill my body with shit tons of drugs to feel good, but after that's all over you will have not gotten anywhere. Instead of using the drug as an escape or a feel good, use it as a tool to guide you through life. I used to be out of control with whatever I was taking. I'd drink until I was out cold, I'd snort coke until my nose was bloody, I'd take ecstasy until I couldn't anymore, I'd even try taking shrooms frequently without spacing the trips out even by a few days, I'd take oxycodone until I couldn't keep my eyes open, I'd pop xanax until I woke up with no memory.

I took a step back and realized.. most of these drugs, I'm using them in the wrong way. They could actually be very valuable to my life, and could help me move forward (coke and oxy not included), I should be using them as tools instead of an escape. That's what I do now, but I only take my prescribed adderall, or drink a few beers, or maybe trip on shrooms once every 4 months just to put things into perspective, or take a tiny amount of xanax before I get up in front of the class for a presentation, or take ecstasy once every other month just to have a good night talking and bonding with friends and feeling that I do infact belong somewhere.

It's okay to take drugs, hell, I believe some of us need to to survive, but you gotta find an equilibrium so your thoughts, feelings, and life are still in balance and understood. I understand the ups and downs of heavily abusing speed, and it could make a normal person seem bipolar. Moderation is the key man.

I'm sorry if that had nothing to do with what you were saying, for I just got done writing a 7 page letter to an old friend who has been in prison for the past 6 years, and my prescribed adderall is wearing off and i'm really kinda tired and loosing train of thought. Sleep time.

 

[Lysis]

Hey, OP. This is kinda TDS (TheDarkSide) material, so I am going to move it over there. I hope that is ok with you.

 

[herbavore]

OP, after 50 posts you go from being a Greenlighter to a Bluelighter and one of the perks of that is that you can write blogs. This is more of a blog than a question. The question that you posed at the end is not one anyone else can answer, though it is one many of us here have struggled with.

It sounds like you need to give your mind and body a break from drugs so that you can think more clearly about how to create a life that actually has meaning for you. It sounds like you worked hard to achieve success and then found that empty. Don't let that discourage you--you can redefine what success means throughout your life; the older you get the easier that gets to come from the inside as opposed to the outside.

 

[TheStarOnIR]

OP, after 50 posts you go from being a Greenlighter to a Bluelighter and one of the perks of that is that you can write blogs. This is more of a blog than a question. The question that you posed at the end is not one anyone else can answer, though it is one many of us here have struggled with.

It sounds like you need to give your mind and body a break from drugs so that you can think more clearly about how to create a life that actually has meaning for you. It sounds like you worked hard to achieve success and then found that empty. Don't let that discourage you--you can redefine what success means throughout your life; the older you get the easier that gets to come from the inside as opposed to the outside.

I started to realize that after a while. I didn't work hard to become successful it was a little luck and a little work I suppose. I never graduated High School, in fact the last grade I successfully finished was the 8th. I did go get a GED and pretend as if I were enrolled in college. Now I'm 22 y/o and a successful venture capitalist by default really. It's not what I really would like to be doing. I wanted to graduate, it is what it is my friend. That's for the insight on how to find-- blog achievement. I'm just miserably lonely I think, nothing more, nothing less.

Thanks buddy