dilated_pupils
Bluelighter
March 22, 2008
Meds I'm on: lithium - 1200mgs a day, 600mg in the morning 600mgs at night, just increased my dose. Also weaning off benzos, down to 1mg/day of klonpin .5mg 2x daily morning and night. The 3mgs I took tonight was random and I do not abuse benzodiazepines.
Previously taken 3mg's of klonopin and a decent amount of some good weed
Start at 1:23am
Took approx. 2.5grams of potent mushrooms with 1050mgs of carisoprodol (soma), followed by 40mgs of adderall.
This trip isn't going to be explained like my others but in a much different way.
It's currently just about two hours into the experience and I have to elaborate. I tripped last night on an eighth of the same batch of shrooms, and realized I had a lot to figure out, hence all I have to say now with this, what I'd like to call, "explanation, exploration, trip."
I feel as if I have much to learn, we all do, but I feel like I'm on a different level personally, and only those who truly understand what I mean will get anything out this. I talked to a friend on AIM from BL, who I know personally as well, and we both share a lot of the same understandings, infact, he is the only person I can say really understands me and ever has, and agrees with what I have to say. It's an amazing connection and I feel lucky to have it.
As I talked to him and saw what I wrote, I realized a lot on my own, and a lot that he shared as well. It's like we all are (and this was the word he used which I will now inherit) energy, as is God. Which was funny because as he said this I looked at the background on my computer (I share it on my cell phone as well) and it basically shows that exactly.
[img=http://img139.imageshack.us/img139/4544/nicepq6.th.jpg]
Now, last night I remember being really out of it, my memory was completely wiped which is odd for me on shrooms, I have faint memories but usually I remember detail and integrate it into my life if possible and feasible). The one thing that sticks out is at one point I turned to my friend and said "Remember this because I will forget, every single moment is predetermined." It sucks because this stimulates basically no conversation with him, making it hard to talk about. But with my friend from BL he can contribute his findings and experiences (as he is a couple years older) and it really seems to help, although I am a very independent person who will fight for what they believe in and I'm very stubborn.
What are we put here for? I still have yet to come up with an answer that feels right... it could be as basic as reproduction, or we as complex as we are just a test for some higher power. All I know is, is that I have the word truth tattooed on my wrist (this was before I got in psyches) and it was my nickname, and now it seems to fit to me even more.
Coincidences... I have so many of them and am so confused on how to interpret them, and damn I need to get all of this out. For example, my mother says it's others who has died (family etc) that are reaching out and trying to make us see the right decisions. Or are coincidences things we choose to see/hear because that's what’s on our mind? I mean I'm sure if I focused on one subject the whole day many coincidences would occur relating to it, right?
Another example, I'm having problems with my girl, and literally just as she pops into my head, I'll hear the word love, or even more complex things like songs, or full blown conversation (on tv, in person, with others who are not even involved just overheard them) and it's like... am I making the right decisions with her? Should I really be trying harder because I really do love her? She is a whole other topic though I'm not going to get into.
Coincidences have been happening way too often, literally in a row, and way too out of the ordinary to be just every day life things. Obviously if it stimulates my thoughts enough to want to talk about them, or more so write a trip report about, there is something more to this.
I feel as if I should trust these things, but I'm so used to feeling defined in my personality that going out of that personality would be a large change, and I don't know if I'm ready.
I've also recently realized I am scared. Scared of growing up, figuring out my major (which I was dead set on and now I'm not 100percent on), what school I want to transfer too; these are all major life changing things. I have NEVER admitted to being scared in my life, I've always thought I could handle whatever has been thrown at me, since in my past I've been through so much, but now I'm being faced with challenges I have never come across before, and yeah I will admit its frightening. And to be honest, me admitting I'm scared is HUGE I can't stress that enough.
I've definitely come along way, being able to admit my emotions and wrong doings openly, to family, friends, doctors etc. And I'm happy with that. All in all I should be proud of my self, I know that, but I also know I have much more I could be doing. I mean I'm very proud I've stuck with lifting 5-6 days a week, keeping my self healthy and such, but recently I feel sometimes like I want to give up (until I go and get that natural high from lifting).
I went from being a high school dropout *cough* dealer *cough* pretty high up in the game thinking I was the shit, got into coke ruined what life I had by getting robbed, to finishing school, going to college now, and here I am trying to figure out my future. I know I should be proud. But my motivation is so low now that I just want to give up at it all, I'm skimming by and I just want to make myself, and my parents happy. For all the heartache and pain, and money... I have cost my parents, I want to give them something back in what most call 'an investment'.
Truth lies within no doubt, it's finding it and figuring out how to use it that is hard. And then when you think everything is right, you find out it's wrong and have to start at base line, but I will, ALWAYS continue to seek truth, until I die. And when I do find 'truth' (if I do), I will stop my psych use and be happy knowing I found what I wanted. More powder to those who can meditate and get to these levels, I really should do this myself, but I don't have the time, and psychs are a quick way to push me to where I need to be.
If you truly seek truth with what you find, be it with psychs, or meditation, or every day thoughts, you are on the level I’m speaking of. And I’m sure the same questions have arose which I have come up with. My beliefs are constantly changing, I was raised Catholic, but I’m in no way a Catholic. I found my own path, and I believe all those who choose to seek truth will ultimately end up in the same place after death.
I can’t explain death, I don’t know what happens, no one does, but obviously we all will continue to try and understand it. Some hope we live on in some sort of way, others feel as if death will bring happiness to the end of this life we struggled so hard in. Our struggles though are what make us who we are, as do are experiences. Sharing these experiences only furthers our understanding. Knowledge is power, in any form, and I constantly integrate my findings with others to form values; they change though, but over time. I hope to form firm values that are the best, sticking to them though may be hard, and is for me, but I strive to continue trying. Never give up.. We hear these sayings all our lives growing up, and I’m just now appreciating it all and will continue to.
It’s like this… when I was growing up my parents always watched Seinfeld, I liked it but didn’t get all the jokes, now more mature me, has more understanding and I like the show even more because I understand it all. Who doesn’t like to understand? It’s a great feeling… That’s just an example that’s pretty broad, but hopefully you all understand what I’m trying to say.
Anyway, I know I'm still tripping, but I'm very clear headed, and as I stated this is a majorly different from my other reports, but it's filled with a lot of information on life and myself. So I hope some of you can relate and/or get some entertainment from it.
**edit - I'd like to add I came up with a concept the other day that I'm finding pretty interesting... that we as energy as obviously getting it from somewhere, not just the food/water we consume, but some outside source. I'm thinking the sun has a lot to do with our energy intake than we believe. Think about it, on crappy days (rain/overcast) we feel drowsy, and kind of overall beat after not doing much, when it's nice out however, we want to do more, get more done, tend to do more outdoor activities (not just because we can since it's not raining, but because we mentally feel like it). Just my 2cents...
methodcode_oral
Meds I'm on: lithium - 1200mgs a day, 600mg in the morning 600mgs at night, just increased my dose. Also weaning off benzos, down to 1mg/day of klonpin .5mg 2x daily morning and night. The 3mgs I took tonight was random and I do not abuse benzodiazepines.
Previously taken 3mg's of klonopin and a decent amount of some good weed
Start at 1:23am
Took approx. 2.5grams of potent mushrooms with 1050mgs of carisoprodol (soma), followed by 40mgs of adderall.
This trip isn't going to be explained like my others but in a much different way.
It's currently just about two hours into the experience and I have to elaborate. I tripped last night on an eighth of the same batch of shrooms, and realized I had a lot to figure out, hence all I have to say now with this, what I'd like to call, "explanation, exploration, trip."
I feel as if I have much to learn, we all do, but I feel like I'm on a different level personally, and only those who truly understand what I mean will get anything out this. I talked to a friend on AIM from BL, who I know personally as well, and we both share a lot of the same understandings, infact, he is the only person I can say really understands me and ever has, and agrees with what I have to say. It's an amazing connection and I feel lucky to have it.
As I talked to him and saw what I wrote, I realized a lot on my own, and a lot that he shared as well. It's like we all are (and this was the word he used which I will now inherit) energy, as is God. Which was funny because as he said this I looked at the background on my computer (I share it on my cell phone as well) and it basically shows that exactly.
[img=http://img139.imageshack.us/img139/4544/nicepq6.th.jpg]
Now, last night I remember being really out of it, my memory was completely wiped which is odd for me on shrooms, I have faint memories but usually I remember detail and integrate it into my life if possible and feasible). The one thing that sticks out is at one point I turned to my friend and said "Remember this because I will forget, every single moment is predetermined." It sucks because this stimulates basically no conversation with him, making it hard to talk about. But with my friend from BL he can contribute his findings and experiences (as he is a couple years older) and it really seems to help, although I am a very independent person who will fight for what they believe in and I'm very stubborn.
What are we put here for? I still have yet to come up with an answer that feels right... it could be as basic as reproduction, or we as complex as we are just a test for some higher power. All I know is, is that I have the word truth tattooed on my wrist (this was before I got in psyches) and it was my nickname, and now it seems to fit to me even more.
Coincidences... I have so many of them and am so confused on how to interpret them, and damn I need to get all of this out. For example, my mother says it's others who has died (family etc) that are reaching out and trying to make us see the right decisions. Or are coincidences things we choose to see/hear because that's what’s on our mind? I mean I'm sure if I focused on one subject the whole day many coincidences would occur relating to it, right?
Another example, I'm having problems with my girl, and literally just as she pops into my head, I'll hear the word love, or even more complex things like songs, or full blown conversation (on tv, in person, with others who are not even involved just overheard them) and it's like... am I making the right decisions with her? Should I really be trying harder because I really do love her? She is a whole other topic though I'm not going to get into.
Coincidences have been happening way too often, literally in a row, and way too out of the ordinary to be just every day life things. Obviously if it stimulates my thoughts enough to want to talk about them, or more so write a trip report about, there is something more to this.
I feel as if I should trust these things, but I'm so used to feeling defined in my personality that going out of that personality would be a large change, and I don't know if I'm ready.
I've also recently realized I am scared. Scared of growing up, figuring out my major (which I was dead set on and now I'm not 100percent on), what school I want to transfer too; these are all major life changing things. I have NEVER admitted to being scared in my life, I've always thought I could handle whatever has been thrown at me, since in my past I've been through so much, but now I'm being faced with challenges I have never come across before, and yeah I will admit its frightening. And to be honest, me admitting I'm scared is HUGE I can't stress that enough.
I've definitely come along way, being able to admit my emotions and wrong doings openly, to family, friends, doctors etc. And I'm happy with that. All in all I should be proud of my self, I know that, but I also know I have much more I could be doing. I mean I'm very proud I've stuck with lifting 5-6 days a week, keeping my self healthy and such, but recently I feel sometimes like I want to give up (until I go and get that natural high from lifting).
I went from being a high school dropout *cough* dealer *cough* pretty high up in the game thinking I was the shit, got into coke ruined what life I had by getting robbed, to finishing school, going to college now, and here I am trying to figure out my future. I know I should be proud. But my motivation is so low now that I just want to give up at it all, I'm skimming by and I just want to make myself, and my parents happy. For all the heartache and pain, and money... I have cost my parents, I want to give them something back in what most call 'an investment'.
Truth lies within no doubt, it's finding it and figuring out how to use it that is hard. And then when you think everything is right, you find out it's wrong and have to start at base line, but I will, ALWAYS continue to seek truth, until I die. And when I do find 'truth' (if I do), I will stop my psych use and be happy knowing I found what I wanted. More powder to those who can meditate and get to these levels, I really should do this myself, but I don't have the time, and psychs are a quick way to push me to where I need to be.
If you truly seek truth with what you find, be it with psychs, or meditation, or every day thoughts, you are on the level I’m speaking of. And I’m sure the same questions have arose which I have come up with. My beliefs are constantly changing, I was raised Catholic, but I’m in no way a Catholic. I found my own path, and I believe all those who choose to seek truth will ultimately end up in the same place after death.
I can’t explain death, I don’t know what happens, no one does, but obviously we all will continue to try and understand it. Some hope we live on in some sort of way, others feel as if death will bring happiness to the end of this life we struggled so hard in. Our struggles though are what make us who we are, as do are experiences. Sharing these experiences only furthers our understanding. Knowledge is power, in any form, and I constantly integrate my findings with others to form values; they change though, but over time. I hope to form firm values that are the best, sticking to them though may be hard, and is for me, but I strive to continue trying. Never give up.. We hear these sayings all our lives growing up, and I’m just now appreciating it all and will continue to.
It’s like this… when I was growing up my parents always watched Seinfeld, I liked it but didn’t get all the jokes, now more mature me, has more understanding and I like the show even more because I understand it all. Who doesn’t like to understand? It’s a great feeling… That’s just an example that’s pretty broad, but hopefully you all understand what I’m trying to say.
Anyway, I know I'm still tripping, but I'm very clear headed, and as I stated this is a majorly different from my other reports, but it's filled with a lot of information on life and myself. So I hope some of you can relate and/or get some entertainment from it.
**edit - I'd like to add I came up with a concept the other day that I'm finding pretty interesting... that we as energy as obviously getting it from somewhere, not just the food/water we consume, but some outside source. I'm thinking the sun has a lot to do with our energy intake than we believe. Think about it, on crappy days (rain/overcast) we feel drowsy, and kind of overall beat after not doing much, when it's nice out however, we want to do more, get more done, tend to do more outdoor activities (not just because we can since it's not raining, but because we mentally feel like it). Just my 2cents...
methodcode_oral
Last edited by a moderator:
