synchrojet
Bluelighter
And so it is that I feel, from time to time, an adversarial relationship with myself. For some indecipherable deluge of muddied reasons, I begin to war with myself about everything, from purpose to happiness to guilt to salvation, the spectrum of experience becomes the subject matter of internal debate until my mind and spirit are fatigued and lonely and in need of cleansing...
...hence the mushrooms, dried, already proven to be fairly potent for standard cubies, sequestered in a sort of 'holy place', awaiting consumtion on such a day as this.
I have a half ounce left. One really deep trip or two good probes. I'm fairly upbeat, but there are issues with my fiancee. She has cancer, for one. This has been visisted before on the mushroom, but she is currently undergoing radiation and lies in pain on the bed as I consider this trip. She is sleeping now, bless her wonderful heart, but her breathing is labored and her dreams are restless. Of course I will tell her first, so when she wakes, I will sit with her and talk a bit.
Of course she understood completely. It has been an hour since I ate the mushrooms and I must reiterate that she understood so completely that she did, in fact, eat three grams (-ish) herself. She has eaten mushrooms before, but never successfully tripped.
I have with me two MDMA tablets for her, as well as a good supply of GHB, should things get out of hand and she need her mood improved. She seems fine. She feels nothing yet except nausea, although I am now seeing movement here and there and the familiar mild regret, coupled with exhilaration, has stepped across the threshold of my consciousness and is making itself at home for the time being. I worry for her--why? Whe is the one with cancer, not I, and she has never tripped. Why am I worried? Is it the mushrooms? No, it is my love for her made manifest in the future empathetic vibrations of fear that she will certainly feel, for she is deeply afraid of her condition and buries her fear to cope.
Do I also do this?
I fear that I might, and I must face this fear. And so I ate them, a fat quarter ounce plus a giant stem and cap, the largest I have ever personally seen, that must be an additional few grams alone. I ate them and I am awaiting humility, it is coming, that much I know for certain, because even now my fear is mounting, and I have not yet even begun...
T+2 hours...
I will return to this screen later and finish this report, but for now typing is impossible and my darling has started her journey.
(return next day)
Wow.
Lets pick this up from the two hour mark. I must let you know that two of our friends showed up just as I signed off, and they joined our trip. S and C, S ate an eighth and C only a couple of grams (she is very sensitive).
My fiancee felt the effects, and they first manifiested themselves as a type of body paralysis. This terrified her because she is going through radiation and fatigue is the primary enemy.
She immediately began attempting to block the entire thing out and kept repeatedly asking how much longer this was going to last. I led her to the bedroom and she sat down on the bed and lost her vision completely. I explained to her that this was common, and the darkness would be replaced with visions and beauty but she would have to let go.
She understandably would not relinquish control and therefore her first two hours were quite frightening for her.
Naturally I wrestled with huge guilt issues for that period of time. First off, there was the fact that I had eaten enough to make coherent speech an impossibility. Furthermore, although there was not a total and complete break from reality, there was enough of one for me to percieve our bedroom as a field of rich blue grass, with swirling ghosts and spirits instead of walls and shadows. I normally do not find such things disturbing, but this was juxtaposed against a sense of responsibility to sit my darling through her trip, and this was becoming more and more difficult as the minutes progessed.
To complicate things, our two friends were having issues regarding heaven and hell, and while they were thoroughly enjoying their trips, this introduced the notion inside my head that I was in fact the devil himself and that I had purposely led my darling to a point that she would not be able to survive, and that she would, in her trip, perceive my lack of presence and coherence as a type of abandonment and therefore give up hope and yield to outright panic.
This was a dicey situation, to say the least.
Getting a grip on what time it was became impossible after about one more hour, when I began to peak. I could tell that my peak was going to be very very intense and I decided that I would not try to endure so much as try and let go of my need to reassure my fiancee...I began to let myself believe that God had his hands around us, as always, and that she, being in His hands, was in far better hands than mine.
This brought me back to the idea that I was Lucifer, and the despair and guilt became nearly unbearable.
I recognized the plasticity of my surroundings as being the result of limited input data availability...i.e. we can see less than five percent of the light spectrum and hear less than five percent of the sound spectrum, AT OUR BEST, and that even so the brain takes a gamle in interpreting the signal input, because reduction to symbolism is a necessity for coherent thought and that reduction necessarily results in a diminshed accuracy, and so what we preceive as reality is in fact a crude model of an extrapolation of less than five percent of actual fact...
...in other words, we are deaf, blind, and dumb.
I became fixated on a concept of P.K. Dick's, that of living information. I turned over and over in my head this notion that every arrangement of input data, from the simple sight of a chair in a room the the most bizzare hallucinitory episode is information, and that information is language, and that information is in and of itself alive, and therefore language itself is alive.
This concept developed into a very clear understanding of self preservation/self destruction in terms of how we impose our own fears onto ourselves, especially in moments of vulnerability.
All of this was juxtaposed over the incessant need to see to my fiancee's well being, but my inability to adequately do so.
The stress was immense.
I was tempted to have an actual bad trip, and for moments I must say that I yielded to that temptation.
Did I need a bad trip? I wondered. Why did I do this? I wondered. I did it to destroy my relationship with this woman, to lead her to a place of pain and fear, to render her insane, and thereby destroy the very thing I chereish, because that is me, I am Lucifer...
I fixated now on the idea of 'Bringer of Light'..Lucifer. I had a moment of absolute divine revelation when I realized that Christ had actually forgiven Lucifer his transgressions also, so perfect was His love. This epiphany brought to my heart a peace that indeed passed all understanding. I was completely insane, and now, most likely without my darling, furthermore without myself, but I was at peace with this, because from these ashes a new life form would be born, made perfect by God's infinite wisdom and understanding.
Therefore my pain was the pain of loss of self, and was, in fact, setting me free from my own desire to destroy myself and those that I cherish, if only to render that which threatens me in this world powerless.
S and C then came into the room and requested som GHB. They had reached what they considered the end of their trips and were "having hard thoughts".
I wanted to explain to them that this was not the end of the trip, it was a very important part of the trip, and that Jesus had endured this for them and me personally in a very real sense anyway, so not to worry, because even though I was Lucifer I wished them no harm...you get the idea.
Understand that my visuals were still way too intense to actually dose someone some G. They are not familiar enough with it to dose themselves...we had a dilemna. It seemed huge right then. They attempted to fill a syringe with the appropriate amount for C (my G is very strong, distilled at over 24 grams/oz), and amazingly it was my fiancee that finally dosed her properly, as I was seeing a crystal sabre of light and energy rather than a syringe.
We then sat on the bed and each tried to communicate with the rest just how far out we were, each of us convinced that we were personally much further out than the next. We indulged in our fear so thoroughly that we became suddenly overcome with the absurdity of this discussion, and all of us burst into laughter.
This was genuine laughter. Deep, relieving laughter that started in my stomach and filled my heart and bellowed up through my soul and out of my mouth, my very fear and anguish bubbling up out of me in bursts of sound and light, laughter, all this fear reduced to nothing but absurdity, it was wonderful, it cleansed my heart and filled my soul with joy...there she was, my beautiful angel...engaged to Lucifer himself, afraid of...what?...on a bed in room because we ate a funny shaped dried plant, how I loverd her and lover her still, she laughed in spite of herself, and there and then I knew that she knew that all was well, that the mushroom had taught us, edified us, tricked us, but not harmed us...because the mushroom is not an instrument of destruction, rather it is an intrument of instruction.
The rest of the trip was about joy and edification for all of us. I put my fiancee to sleep with 2 grams of GHB, she fell asleep with a smile on her lovely face, and she was without pain, bless her lovely soul.
S, C and I then sat outside as the sun rose. S put C to sleep with 2 grams and he and I watched our loves, we teared up and cried and watched their cherub faces as the sun slanted over the mountain (I live in a very wonderful house at the base of a mountain, God has smiled on me that way).
He then put himself out with 3 grams and I watched as the ball of fire lit up the sky, and the warmth that was God's grace washed over me in a flood of terrifying beauty. I cannot describe the communion I had with God righ then. He reached me through my vices (as He is known to do, eh?), and where there was fear He brought joy and where there was pain He brought comfort. I sang to Him from my heart on my patio as the sun rose.
Coincidentally this was Sunday morning...a fact not lost on me at the moment (I am not religious, although I do commune with God and recognize His authority and greatness)...I actually laughed out loud as I dosed myself with 3 grams (that is my pleasure threshold...it doesn't knock me out but it renders me wonderfully sedated and buzzed).
What fortune has been bestowed on us as humans, that we are allowed fear? From this darkness we emerge into joy, and the contrast heightens the experience and makes it divine.
Fear is a blessing, and pain a gift. We can express things only in terms of their opposites, and the depth of one is the height of the other.
The duality of experience is the result of occlusion, which is the human condition, simultaneously tragic yet wonderful, painful yet joyous thereby, and rendered complete by its very incompleteness.
Praise to Him who created us, and who walks with us even through our denial.
Peace.
...hence the mushrooms, dried, already proven to be fairly potent for standard cubies, sequestered in a sort of 'holy place', awaiting consumtion on such a day as this.
I have a half ounce left. One really deep trip or two good probes. I'm fairly upbeat, but there are issues with my fiancee. She has cancer, for one. This has been visisted before on the mushroom, but she is currently undergoing radiation and lies in pain on the bed as I consider this trip. She is sleeping now, bless her wonderful heart, but her breathing is labored and her dreams are restless. Of course I will tell her first, so when she wakes, I will sit with her and talk a bit.
Of course she understood completely. It has been an hour since I ate the mushrooms and I must reiterate that she understood so completely that she did, in fact, eat three grams (-ish) herself. She has eaten mushrooms before, but never successfully tripped.
I have with me two MDMA tablets for her, as well as a good supply of GHB, should things get out of hand and she need her mood improved. She seems fine. She feels nothing yet except nausea, although I am now seeing movement here and there and the familiar mild regret, coupled with exhilaration, has stepped across the threshold of my consciousness and is making itself at home for the time being. I worry for her--why? Whe is the one with cancer, not I, and she has never tripped. Why am I worried? Is it the mushrooms? No, it is my love for her made manifest in the future empathetic vibrations of fear that she will certainly feel, for she is deeply afraid of her condition and buries her fear to cope.
Do I also do this?
I fear that I might, and I must face this fear. And so I ate them, a fat quarter ounce plus a giant stem and cap, the largest I have ever personally seen, that must be an additional few grams alone. I ate them and I am awaiting humility, it is coming, that much I know for certain, because even now my fear is mounting, and I have not yet even begun...
T+2 hours...
I will return to this screen later and finish this report, but for now typing is impossible and my darling has started her journey.
(return next day)
Wow.
Lets pick this up from the two hour mark. I must let you know that two of our friends showed up just as I signed off, and they joined our trip. S and C, S ate an eighth and C only a couple of grams (she is very sensitive).
My fiancee felt the effects, and they first manifiested themselves as a type of body paralysis. This terrified her because she is going through radiation and fatigue is the primary enemy.
She immediately began attempting to block the entire thing out and kept repeatedly asking how much longer this was going to last. I led her to the bedroom and she sat down on the bed and lost her vision completely. I explained to her that this was common, and the darkness would be replaced with visions and beauty but she would have to let go.
She understandably would not relinquish control and therefore her first two hours were quite frightening for her.
Naturally I wrestled with huge guilt issues for that period of time. First off, there was the fact that I had eaten enough to make coherent speech an impossibility. Furthermore, although there was not a total and complete break from reality, there was enough of one for me to percieve our bedroom as a field of rich blue grass, with swirling ghosts and spirits instead of walls and shadows. I normally do not find such things disturbing, but this was juxtaposed against a sense of responsibility to sit my darling through her trip, and this was becoming more and more difficult as the minutes progessed.
To complicate things, our two friends were having issues regarding heaven and hell, and while they were thoroughly enjoying their trips, this introduced the notion inside my head that I was in fact the devil himself and that I had purposely led my darling to a point that she would not be able to survive, and that she would, in her trip, perceive my lack of presence and coherence as a type of abandonment and therefore give up hope and yield to outright panic.
This was a dicey situation, to say the least.
Getting a grip on what time it was became impossible after about one more hour, when I began to peak. I could tell that my peak was going to be very very intense and I decided that I would not try to endure so much as try and let go of my need to reassure my fiancee...I began to let myself believe that God had his hands around us, as always, and that she, being in His hands, was in far better hands than mine.
This brought me back to the idea that I was Lucifer, and the despair and guilt became nearly unbearable.
I recognized the plasticity of my surroundings as being the result of limited input data availability...i.e. we can see less than five percent of the light spectrum and hear less than five percent of the sound spectrum, AT OUR BEST, and that even so the brain takes a gamle in interpreting the signal input, because reduction to symbolism is a necessity for coherent thought and that reduction necessarily results in a diminshed accuracy, and so what we preceive as reality is in fact a crude model of an extrapolation of less than five percent of actual fact...
...in other words, we are deaf, blind, and dumb.
I became fixated on a concept of P.K. Dick's, that of living information. I turned over and over in my head this notion that every arrangement of input data, from the simple sight of a chair in a room the the most bizzare hallucinitory episode is information, and that information is language, and that information is in and of itself alive, and therefore language itself is alive.
This concept developed into a very clear understanding of self preservation/self destruction in terms of how we impose our own fears onto ourselves, especially in moments of vulnerability.
All of this was juxtaposed over the incessant need to see to my fiancee's well being, but my inability to adequately do so.
The stress was immense.
I was tempted to have an actual bad trip, and for moments I must say that I yielded to that temptation.
Did I need a bad trip? I wondered. Why did I do this? I wondered. I did it to destroy my relationship with this woman, to lead her to a place of pain and fear, to render her insane, and thereby destroy the very thing I chereish, because that is me, I am Lucifer...
I fixated now on the idea of 'Bringer of Light'..Lucifer. I had a moment of absolute divine revelation when I realized that Christ had actually forgiven Lucifer his transgressions also, so perfect was His love. This epiphany brought to my heart a peace that indeed passed all understanding. I was completely insane, and now, most likely without my darling, furthermore without myself, but I was at peace with this, because from these ashes a new life form would be born, made perfect by God's infinite wisdom and understanding.
Therefore my pain was the pain of loss of self, and was, in fact, setting me free from my own desire to destroy myself and those that I cherish, if only to render that which threatens me in this world powerless.
S and C then came into the room and requested som GHB. They had reached what they considered the end of their trips and were "having hard thoughts".
I wanted to explain to them that this was not the end of the trip, it was a very important part of the trip, and that Jesus had endured this for them and me personally in a very real sense anyway, so not to worry, because even though I was Lucifer I wished them no harm...you get the idea.
Understand that my visuals were still way too intense to actually dose someone some G. They are not familiar enough with it to dose themselves...we had a dilemna. It seemed huge right then. They attempted to fill a syringe with the appropriate amount for C (my G is very strong, distilled at over 24 grams/oz), and amazingly it was my fiancee that finally dosed her properly, as I was seeing a crystal sabre of light and energy rather than a syringe.
We then sat on the bed and each tried to communicate with the rest just how far out we were, each of us convinced that we were personally much further out than the next. We indulged in our fear so thoroughly that we became suddenly overcome with the absurdity of this discussion, and all of us burst into laughter.
This was genuine laughter. Deep, relieving laughter that started in my stomach and filled my heart and bellowed up through my soul and out of my mouth, my very fear and anguish bubbling up out of me in bursts of sound and light, laughter, all this fear reduced to nothing but absurdity, it was wonderful, it cleansed my heart and filled my soul with joy...there she was, my beautiful angel...engaged to Lucifer himself, afraid of...what?...on a bed in room because we ate a funny shaped dried plant, how I loverd her and lover her still, she laughed in spite of herself, and there and then I knew that she knew that all was well, that the mushroom had taught us, edified us, tricked us, but not harmed us...because the mushroom is not an instrument of destruction, rather it is an intrument of instruction.
The rest of the trip was about joy and edification for all of us. I put my fiancee to sleep with 2 grams of GHB, she fell asleep with a smile on her lovely face, and she was without pain, bless her lovely soul.
S, C and I then sat outside as the sun rose. S put C to sleep with 2 grams and he and I watched our loves, we teared up and cried and watched their cherub faces as the sun slanted over the mountain (I live in a very wonderful house at the base of a mountain, God has smiled on me that way).
He then put himself out with 3 grams and I watched as the ball of fire lit up the sky, and the warmth that was God's grace washed over me in a flood of terrifying beauty. I cannot describe the communion I had with God righ then. He reached me through my vices (as He is known to do, eh?), and where there was fear He brought joy and where there was pain He brought comfort. I sang to Him from my heart on my patio as the sun rose.
Coincidentally this was Sunday morning...a fact not lost on me at the moment (I am not religious, although I do commune with God and recognize His authority and greatness)...I actually laughed out loud as I dosed myself with 3 grams (that is my pleasure threshold...it doesn't knock me out but it renders me wonderfully sedated and buzzed).
What fortune has been bestowed on us as humans, that we are allowed fear? From this darkness we emerge into joy, and the contrast heightens the experience and makes it divine.
Fear is a blessing, and pain a gift. We can express things only in terms of their opposites, and the depth of one is the height of the other.
The duality of experience is the result of occlusion, which is the human condition, simultaneously tragic yet wonderful, painful yet joyous thereby, and rendered complete by its very incompleteness.
Praise to Him who created us, and who walks with us even through our denial.
Peace.
