iliketoast
Bluelighter
The other night my new man friend told me "I love you." He'd been saying things such as "I could fall in love with you so fast" and "i love...spending time with you!" etc. Eh. Hearing just the three words is a different experience. I did not say it back, I love many things about him, and I care about him, but.... no. I told him the next day "I like to wait til it feels like its just going to explode or overflow to say it."
Sigh. I don't know what I'm doing. My last relationship was both the best and worst of my life so far - I hate the word "soulmate," but if I ever were to use it, it would be to describe him. Too bad he's bipolar, developing schizophrenia, and still shooting meth. Well. Not at the moment I guess...
Thursday night he appeared at my window. I was so startled I started crying. The last time I saw him, I fed him and he napped and it was good, but as soon as I got to work I broke down. This time, he told me he'd been beat up and needed to use my bathroom. Of course once I let him in he told me "Oh...I only said that because I knew you would let me in." When I started trying to get him to leave, and he wouldn't, I cried a little more, and he proceeded to eat a few grams of klonopin (on top of who knows how many earlier that day). He lay down on my floor and wouldn't wake up - snoring, so not dead at least... I was stressing, called new guy and he convinced me to call the cops.
I fucking hate doing that. I couldn't stand how I was feeling, it was like every day when we were together, so I went through with it. Not fun. They kept me out of view and earshot when they brought him outside. Apparently he had a $100,000 warrant for violating an order with another ex. Great.
I still haven't filed anything. I love him so deeply it sickens me.
New dude is wonderful to me. But...I can't help but compare. He's not the type to throw a pack on his back and go tromping through the park with me at midnight. I love adventuring. I am sad. I can't form attachment easily at ALL now, and for once I actually want to.
This is rambly and stilted. I'm high and much too contemplative right now. Do I just need to give it more time? Am I permanently ruined as an emotional bond-forming human being? Wtf am I doing getting involved with someone who is already so bonded to me?
Sigh. I don't know what I'm doing. My last relationship was both the best and worst of my life so far - I hate the word "soulmate," but if I ever were to use it, it would be to describe him. Too bad he's bipolar, developing schizophrenia, and still shooting meth. Well. Not at the moment I guess...
Thursday night he appeared at my window. I was so startled I started crying. The last time I saw him, I fed him and he napped and it was good, but as soon as I got to work I broke down. This time, he told me he'd been beat up and needed to use my bathroom. Of course once I let him in he told me "Oh...I only said that because I knew you would let me in." When I started trying to get him to leave, and he wouldn't, I cried a little more, and he proceeded to eat a few grams of klonopin (on top of who knows how many earlier that day). He lay down on my floor and wouldn't wake up - snoring, so not dead at least... I was stressing, called new guy and he convinced me to call the cops.
I fucking hate doing that. I couldn't stand how I was feeling, it was like every day when we were together, so I went through with it. Not fun. They kept me out of view and earshot when they brought him outside. Apparently he had a $100,000 warrant for violating an order with another ex. Great.
I still haven't filed anything. I love him so deeply it sickens me.
New dude is wonderful to me. But...I can't help but compare. He's not the type to throw a pack on his back and go tromping through the park with me at midnight. I love adventuring. I am sad. I can't form attachment easily at ALL now, and for once I actually want to.
This is rambly and stilted. I'm high and much too contemplative right now. Do I just need to give it more time? Am I permanently ruined as an emotional bond-forming human being? Wtf am I doing getting involved with someone who is already so bonded to me?
