Morning Wish - Please Critique

[Doooofus]

Hi,

This is a song I wrote ages ago for my (ex)girlfriend. I've been told that its good by a few people, but I think its a bit cliche (as with all of my songs) basically because I feel like I rely on words like "eyes", "smile", "heartbeat" etc etc.... Let me know what you think, it is supposed to be simple, played with a few chords on acoustic guitar.

Morning Wish

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Cheek to cheek, thoughts entwined,
The morning's rolling in.
Unspoken words from my eyes to yours,
A breath, a heartbeat... you.

Cheek to cheek, face to face,
We're alone at last.
Under our starry sky we'll listen to
The silence of the night.

This silver moon will blaze down tonight,
I see it in your eyes.
Embodiment of happiness forever in your smile.

 

[(Wordy)]

I think the first verse / stanza is fantastic (especially the opening two lines), but after that it probably descends in to cliché a little too much for my liking. I guess that's more accepted in song lyrics than in poetry per se, particularly in the context of a love song. I can see why people like it; they're nice lyrics.

My advice would be to throw in a few surprises. By all means work within clichés if you want, but try stretching them, use them as a bluff, make them your own somehow.

One thing though: it's a little hard to critique lyrics when they're stood on their own, away from the music. Music can add so many layers of meaning, of emotion, of irony (even). Very few song lyrics 'stand up' on their own, as poetry. I think the ones that do are usually written as poems first, but then that doesn't always work out... poetry doesn't always translate into song either.