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TDS More confused than ever, lost in null

JasperTheReckless

JasperTheReckless

Bluelighter
Joined
Nov 1, 2011
Messages
339
Lately I've been out of the dark hole that daily sigma left me in, the depression lifted and I can look around and see the world again.

I just don't like it. I'm fine, I guess, but I'm sick of people saying it gets better.
Is it such a horrible thing to say, that I don't care? I don't care if it gets better. The cons out weigh the pros, and for most decisions, that's a no go for me.

So here's my conundrum. I've been sick to my stomach with confusion trying to understand why I fantasize about suicide when I'm not in the hole. I personally have never heard of a suicide from frustration, or repulsion from the world.
I think inside all I want is for someone to tell me that it's okay to do it.
But I'm scared to try, I feel like I'm more scared of waking up retarded or vegetative. I'm not sure if that's worse to my friends, or what's left of my family.
The more I think about it the more I tell myself that a 9mm is a small bullet.

I'm really angry and confused and twisted up inside and my sick drug addled brain thinks it would be dark and clever to die from a bullet to the chest, ol' boy died from a broken heart.
I try and hide from it, but I'm lonely, I'm sad in a way I don't understand.


Sometime I hope Dante is wrong, and that I will not be judged so harshly for my actions
 
JasperTheReckless said:
So here's my conundrum. I've been sick to my stomach with confusion trying to understand why I fantasize about suicide when I'm not in the hole. I personally have never heard of a suicide from frustration, or repulsion from the world.
I think inside all I want is for someone to tell me that it's okay to do it.
But I'm scared to try, I feel like I'm more scared of waking up retarded or vegetative. I'm not sure if that's worse to my friends, or what's left of my family.
Click to expand...

I have had similar thoughts man. I used to be like that for so many years. It is part of depression and a part of self-hatred. You become convinced your life isn't worth living so thoroughly that even when you aren't in the worst parts of your depression you still think of suicide a lot. This very thing happened to me too. I remember I would make jokes about killing myself and my friends at the time (this was at least 6-7 years ago when I was about 3 years into being suicidal) would give me this look like "are you fucking serious?!" and I never understood why it upset them so much. I mean I get it now, but it took me a lot of mental growing up to get it.

I won't just throw bullshit phrases at you, but I think if you believe things will get better, they'll get better. If you believe things aren't going to go well, they won't (and the mind will subconsciously sabotage anything good you might have going for yourself in order to lead to a self-fulfilling prophecy). You simply have to believe and know you are capable of making positive changes for your life. This knowledge and capacity to do good for your life carries into actually doing good for your life, and before you know it you'll be amazed you were depressed to begin with.

I also wouldn't guilt trip yourself or beat yourself up over why you were thinking/fantasizing about suicide. Just think of it as a symptom of the depression. Suicidal ideation isn't something people do for fun; it was obviously your mind's way of coping with the reality you are living in. I know that was the case for me; it becomes a defense mechanism to anything even remotely upsetting/negative in my life.

You can always PM me or email me if you're having a rough time man. Much peace and <3
 
I know the roll of a self fulfilling prophecy in beating depression and drug addiction; every time I have slipped out from under the stone, I was getting the hang of it. But I lose it so fast :'(
 
JasperTheReckless said:
I know the roll of a self fulfilling prophecy in beating depression and drug addiction; every time I have slipped out from under the stone, I was getting the hang of it. But I lose it so fast :'(
Click to expand...

There's a reason why you're going through what you're going through. It's all making you stronger for the future.

I used to ask myself "why?" a countless number of times, asking why I was going through whatever bullshit I was going through, or wondering why things had to be the way they are today... and I can safely say in this year I saw a reason for it all, and it was beautiful in my mind just to realize and to know that there is a reason why everything in my life has happened the way it has. Specifically, I am still alive, and that in itself is a miracle.

Just know that you've gotten out from underneath the stone before, and you can do it again. :)

You just have to believe in yourself, and know that people like myself also believe in you.
 
I got a job, and worked half a week, then got in a fight with someone I lived with saturday night, who also worked there and gave me a ride.

Lost my job and my home, all because I called him out on being a simple stupid fuck

didn't even get paid for the hours I worked

Now I can't even get to the gun and i'm stuck here
 
Just found out I need 500 bucks for some class I have to take for getting caught stealing at a grocery store last month, and I don't have the money; my sentence was a year in jail or attend the class

i'm fucked
 
Dude ive thought of suicide so much, how to do it, and not leave a mess for my family... you are not alone.
You wont be judged for your past if you change and make the future brighter.
I think "if I die right now, the world will not even know or care, the 6 oclock news will still come on, I am afraid to goto hell
I know if I set out to kill myself, its gonna happen, wont be no near miss situation. BUT, it solves nothing and is really selfish.
Im going through a real hard time myself.

Forgive me for asking but, do you have anything you can pawn? Fuk it man, pan handle, atleast your doing it for a class and not for dope.
Just keep telling yourself, "This is going to work, im not going to jail" if there is a will there is a way. Don't stress and don't wallow in anger
it is desctructive and counter productive. you can pm me also, please do not hurt yourself.
 
JasperTheReckless said:
I got a job, and worked half a week, then got in a fight with someone I lived with saturday night, who also worked there and gave me a ride.

Lost my job and my home, all because I called him out on being a simple stupid fuck

didn't even get paid for the hours I worked

Now I can't even get to the gun and i'm stuck here
Click to expand...

It's illegal for an employer not to pay you. You can still get paid for the time you worked.

I'm really sorry to hear about the rest of it man, that really sucks.

JasperTheReckless said:
Just found out I need 500 bucks for some class I have to take for getting caught stealing at a grocery store last month, and I don't have the money; my sentence was a year in jail or attend the class

i'm fucked
Click to expand...

Wow, that is also pretty crappy. I'll use this as an opportunity not to steal from a grocery store.

Have you applied for food stamps/general relief?
 
I have nothing to sell anymore
It's all gone

I am losing my grip on not wanting to hurt my family or friends

I just want to go away

I'm still off syrup and I feel worse than ever

I want to go back to it
 
JasperTheReckless said:
I have nothing to sell anymore
It's all gone

I am losing my grip on not wanting to hurt my family or friends

I just want to go away

I'm still off syrup and I feel worse than ever

I want to go back to it
Click to expand...

I have an idea man, why don't you looking into a free housing program? If you're not using drugs, you should be able to get free housing. That way you can get into a better life for yourself really quickly. I don't know if such programs exist everywhere, but they do exist down here in Los Angeles. Most of the people who take advantage of it are drug addicts, so they are required to go to detox, then they have a free home for getting off drugs. But if you're not using that should help you get it even quicker. Just an idea.

I'm not sure where you live exactly, otherwise I'd look for programs for you man. I really want you to do well for yourself in life.
 
I live in Indiana

but housing isn't an immediate issue, if I don't start coming up with money for these classes i'll have a definite home for the next year

:(
 
A year in jail for shoplifting? Maybe if that was like your 5th offense. If you don't have money they will find a way to work with you.
 
Second offense.

This is them working with me. I pay $35 a class, or I go to jail, even if I so much as show up late to one.
 
$50 for the first class
$40 for the second class
$35 for the nine classes following

eleven total, $435, in addition to $175 in court fees.

I don't know
 
I'm in off the street, staying with a friend of a friend; and am getting loaned money for the first couple classes while I look for a job.

I called some college painters place but have yet to hear back

Everything in me says get drunk as fuck, DXM til the universe folds in, I'm fucking freaking out and it's so weird, I'm so good at hiding it, nobody realizes what a wreck I am
 
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