eyetranceend
Greenlighter
This might be better-suited to the research chemicals forum?
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I've been using this stuff almost daily for a few months. Has anyone gone through any form of withdrawals? I'm just wondering if anyone else is there or is on their way there or has been there. I can feel something coming on that is a lot like the beginning of benzo withdrawal. I feel like I might be the only person in the country that has been doing daily IM/IV injections of this stuff, but I'm sure that isn't the case. It has been the best treatment for depression that I have ever found, but the reality of deep dependence set in for me a week ago when I realized how irresponsible I had allowed myself to become. And now I need to prepare for the crash. It's been a fun ride, MXE -- but it's time to move on.
Before you say it, I know it's stupid. And truth be told, the first few times I IV'ed it were not pleasant, so I'm surprised I continued to do it (IM was totally pleasant, but there was no strong opiate-like rush). It was just way way too intense. But now it's only otherworldly intense/trippy for twenty minutes or so but I get a rush and a great 24 hour antidepressant effect. This stuff is incredibly rough on your veins, too. It's a corrosive substance even when filtered. Last week it felt like the vein on the underside of my elbow was on fire. I'm worried about absecesses from IM use, too. It's definitely an addictive little bastard. I need to stay away from it. I'm so good at hiding it, I can IV it, wait five minutes for the really dizzying effects to wear off and then go talk to my unsuspecting girlfriend. You know you've got a problem when a headspace that whacky becomes so normalized you can function perfectly normal around other people!
Back around late December and early January, 50mg had a week long afterglow that erased my anxiety and depression. Then I would feel the anxiety coming back, and so I would look forward to a weekend dose. Then I got tired of having to wait for the weekend if the long-term antidepressant wore off, so I started doing it with friends on Friday like I had been doing, but also doing it sublingually on Wednesday mornings at doses of around 75mg. That was perfect for a couple of months. I could do public speaking in my college courses without feeling light-headed, I was talkative and happy and having great sex etc. It was like a miracle medicine. Then I noticed that mondays and tuesdays were getting 'heavy' and 'sad.' I blamed a lot of this on the monthly x-APB experimentation and alcoholism. Upped the dose to 150mg insufflated twice a week. Then I tried 20mg/day like a prescription regimen but I missed the dissociative effects. That was okay, for awhile. Then I surmised "Well I IM'ed K a few times back in the day, maybe I'll go get a bag of syringes and just IM 10mg every morning before classes." I read up and researched, weighed my risks, ignored my risks. 10mg worked for about a week in March. Now I'm up to 60mg IM every morning and then after classes I IV about 30mg just for the rush. The dissociative effects have calmed way down from IV use. I don't even feel 50mg insufflated anymore. But I have IV'ed as high as 115mg (UGH!). Tolerance grows fast once you go to the needle route. Some days I skip one or the other. I'm worried about the antidepressant effect going away, but at this rate it went from lasting a week to only a day... if I keep going, what's the point of injecting something that only lifts your spirits for an hour, and then eventually not at all? Honestly, I'm happier than I've ever been in my entire life right now because of this stuff. It's a lot more forgiving than similarly abusable drugs.
Positive effects of daily use:
Once the main dissociation wears off, increased sociability, happiness, enjoyment of food and sex, numbing of anxiety, loosening of tenseness and inhibitedness. One of the best effects for me was a sense that it's okay for the world to be complex. It helped me cope with not relating to people as much as I'd like to. After years of heavy hallucinogen use, especially 5-MeO-DMT, DMT, and 2c-x substances, I have problems believing that things are real. But this drug made me feel validated in my detachment, but also that its okay to not have everything make sense. Another great effect -- I have arthritis and gout and it completely erased any pains from both of those things. Many days, after my IM dose, I would just watch the sun rise and feel totally at peace. I often had the thought that this must be how 'normal' people feel when they see the sun rise. Really, the last few months have been some of the most tranquil and beautiful days of my life.
Negative:
Sense that I am self-destructing, despite my happiness.
Weird ringing in my ears that wont go away.
Inability to get certain songs out of my head. And I mean INABILITY. I am convinced that this stuff has action in the part of your brain that memorizes song melodies and lyrics. I literally started to get worried that I had done some sort of brain damage to myself because the song "Bittersweet Symphony" was playing full blast in my head. Also, on a related note, I am hearing whispers. But unlike K, DXM, or tryptamines, it is non-threatening and non-paranoia inducing.
Swollen veins from IV use.
Feeling that I didn't do enough after an injection, despite being incapacitated.
Decreasing timeframe for antidepressant effects with usage over time.
Hiding it from my girlfriend.
------
I'm on day 2, and withdrawal symptoms are present, but not too awful other than the sweating and anxiety. What can I expect? Am I the only person to have been so irresponsible?
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I've been using this stuff almost daily for a few months. Has anyone gone through any form of withdrawals? I'm just wondering if anyone else is there or is on their way there or has been there. I can feel something coming on that is a lot like the beginning of benzo withdrawal. I feel like I might be the only person in the country that has been doing daily IM/IV injections of this stuff, but I'm sure that isn't the case. It has been the best treatment for depression that I have ever found, but the reality of deep dependence set in for me a week ago when I realized how irresponsible I had allowed myself to become. And now I need to prepare for the crash. It's been a fun ride, MXE -- but it's time to move on.
Before you say it, I know it's stupid. And truth be told, the first few times I IV'ed it were not pleasant, so I'm surprised I continued to do it (IM was totally pleasant, but there was no strong opiate-like rush). It was just way way too intense. But now it's only otherworldly intense/trippy for twenty minutes or so but I get a rush and a great 24 hour antidepressant effect. This stuff is incredibly rough on your veins, too. It's a corrosive substance even when filtered. Last week it felt like the vein on the underside of my elbow was on fire. I'm worried about absecesses from IM use, too. It's definitely an addictive little bastard. I need to stay away from it. I'm so good at hiding it, I can IV it, wait five minutes for the really dizzying effects to wear off and then go talk to my unsuspecting girlfriend. You know you've got a problem when a headspace that whacky becomes so normalized you can function perfectly normal around other people!
Back around late December and early January, 50mg had a week long afterglow that erased my anxiety and depression. Then I would feel the anxiety coming back, and so I would look forward to a weekend dose. Then I got tired of having to wait for the weekend if the long-term antidepressant wore off, so I started doing it with friends on Friday like I had been doing, but also doing it sublingually on Wednesday mornings at doses of around 75mg. That was perfect for a couple of months. I could do public speaking in my college courses without feeling light-headed, I was talkative and happy and having great sex etc. It was like a miracle medicine. Then I noticed that mondays and tuesdays were getting 'heavy' and 'sad.' I blamed a lot of this on the monthly x-APB experimentation and alcoholism. Upped the dose to 150mg insufflated twice a week. Then I tried 20mg/day like a prescription regimen but I missed the dissociative effects. That was okay, for awhile. Then I surmised "Well I IM'ed K a few times back in the day, maybe I'll go get a bag of syringes and just IM 10mg every morning before classes." I read up and researched, weighed my risks, ignored my risks. 10mg worked for about a week in March. Now I'm up to 60mg IM every morning and then after classes I IV about 30mg just for the rush. The dissociative effects have calmed way down from IV use. I don't even feel 50mg insufflated anymore. But I have IV'ed as high as 115mg (UGH!). Tolerance grows fast once you go to the needle route. Some days I skip one or the other. I'm worried about the antidepressant effect going away, but at this rate it went from lasting a week to only a day... if I keep going, what's the point of injecting something that only lifts your spirits for an hour, and then eventually not at all? Honestly, I'm happier than I've ever been in my entire life right now because of this stuff. It's a lot more forgiving than similarly abusable drugs.
Positive effects of daily use:
Once the main dissociation wears off, increased sociability, happiness, enjoyment of food and sex, numbing of anxiety, loosening of tenseness and inhibitedness. One of the best effects for me was a sense that it's okay for the world to be complex. It helped me cope with not relating to people as much as I'd like to. After years of heavy hallucinogen use, especially 5-MeO-DMT, DMT, and 2c-x substances, I have problems believing that things are real. But this drug made me feel validated in my detachment, but also that its okay to not have everything make sense. Another great effect -- I have arthritis and gout and it completely erased any pains from both of those things. Many days, after my IM dose, I would just watch the sun rise and feel totally at peace. I often had the thought that this must be how 'normal' people feel when they see the sun rise. Really, the last few months have been some of the most tranquil and beautiful days of my life.
Negative:
Sense that I am self-destructing, despite my happiness.
Weird ringing in my ears that wont go away.
Inability to get certain songs out of my head. And I mean INABILITY. I am convinced that this stuff has action in the part of your brain that memorizes song melodies and lyrics. I literally started to get worried that I had done some sort of brain damage to myself because the song "Bittersweet Symphony" was playing full blast in my head. Also, on a related note, I am hearing whispers. But unlike K, DXM, or tryptamines, it is non-threatening and non-paranoia inducing.
Swollen veins from IV use.
Feeling that I didn't do enough after an injection, despite being incapacitated.
Decreasing timeframe for antidepressant effects with usage over time.
Hiding it from my girlfriend.
------
I'm on day 2, and withdrawal symptoms are present, but not too awful other than the sweating and anxiety. What can I expect? Am I the only person to have been so irresponsible?
