Lost Ego
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Jun 11, 2009
- Messages
- 1,455
nothing, and i mean nothing compares to my first m-hole experience yesterday.
i got off work extremely and got home at 12:30pm. i already knew i had a long 4 day weekend, no parents home until monday, and on my long commute home i decided i'd use the rest of my mxe when i got home. i arrived at home, i went to my room and measured how much i has remaining - 210mg (suprisingly alot considering all the partying i had done the previous weekend). I had done dmt the day before and it may have still been in my system and the afterglow of the dmt may have influenced my trip. I was on an empty stomach at this point. my last trip i had done 50 mg and i wanted to step it up to 80, hoping to m-hole.
I measured the 85 mg and seperated it in half with a razor blade, i consumed 40mg under my tongue and allowed it to absorb for 2 mins before washing it down with soda and licking off the small amount on the razor blade, i cleaned up and realized the remaining 40mg was right in front of my keyboard and i'd be unable to comfortably browse the internet on my comeup. i decided to put the remaining 40mg in a seperate baggy, as i tryed to push it off the edge of the desk into the bag i managed to fuck up. it all fell onto my lap and was sticking to my jeans. i took as much of it as i could and threw it back on the scale - there was 10mg there so i placed that under my tongue...
0:10 at this point i hadn't anticipated the comeup from it dissolving underneath my tongue. i had a headchange and i wasn't prepared for the mindset which made everything hard. i had to measure out another 40mg and i didnt wanna dose until 30 mins after my first dose. the problem was that i had lost track of time and i didnt remember when i first dosed... lol. it took me another 10 mins to figure out what time it had been by searching for message logs on my instant messager. i waited until 1:32 to measure out 43mg and place it under my tongue, i let this dissolve for 5 mins hoping to come up sooner.
0:40 the come up started quickly and i dont remember much of it. i can say it started with mild CEVS and before long i was plunging into an abyss, i recall seeing glimpses of my coworker and him telling me to move some metal risers and other duct and repeating that message over and over (i get told this all day long). before long i became the duct, i became plywood, i became just a piece of metal being pulled to the left, to the right, thrown around, my energy being transferred and absorbed into the ground... from there on i lost all sense of identity, plunging into a world where there was just me and my computer which i was sitting in front of. my eyes were open but i just saw my computer. i looked around and there were beings, souls everywhere. we were all connected like gears turning and i kept turning which would turn the rest of the gears, it looked like a empty room with a computer but it felt like a plane the extended infinitely. i was convinced it was either the afterlife or that i had descended to another realm. the only thing that kept me grounded to this world was the experience of being pulled in all directions from the mxe which kept reminding me that i was on drugs and even then i couldnt be sure that i didnt overdose and go to the afterlife. i can't nearly describe what i felt or saw. when i would get pulled downwards (that sensation) it was like i was descending through a tunnel, down through the earth, blackness consumed me. everything consumed me... my hands were so far away and my legs looked like a mile away. a trip without sound was pleasant and yet unpleasant, all i could hear was the humming of the universe. i lived in that realm forever, where i was the center of the universe and these gears around me were all centered around me and my turning powered the universe, as if i was a god or something and yet... i was so helpless. it felt like everybody was feeding off of my soul. i could interact with the computer but everything was foreign, i remembered that there were tabs on google chrome but each seemed to contain a different universe and i couldn't read. i knew how the interface worked but i could not read a single word written. i finally managed to close my eyes, the dmt seemed to have enhanced my imagination permanantly and when i closed my eyes i saw a double helix rotating which connects all of the possible parrallel universes, looking at it i could see all of the possible realities that it could project and i was able to sort through these realities. i blacked out, and then when i opened my eyes i saw the computer once more.
(aprox +1:40?)i could move my hand but i wasnt aware it was my hand, i was simply moving the cursor with my mind and my hand was following the cursor. when i hit youtube i felt it, i knew the interface, i clicked a random song and dubstep started. the song lasted an eternity. whenever i would plunge downwards (from the sensation of the drug) i would enter a new universe, all of which i only interpreted it as an extension of all of the same "forms"(plato's), my desk still existed but i interpretted it entirely differently, like i had lost all 5 senses and replaced them with 1 universal sense, "is this how stars see the universe?" i wondered. my thoughts were disintegrated, i didnt think in english, i thought in the language that babys think in, the primal language, the language that dogs think in, the language we think in when we are thinking without realizing we are thinking and dont bother to convert it to english. i could not convert my thoughts to english which made typing impossible. english was babblish. everything was distorted. everything was otherworldly. at some point i entered the virtual universe, i existed only inside of the computer, everyone else who was on the computer extended their souls into the computer as well and i could see them, i couldn't believe such a reality could exist inside a computer. i clicked on bluelight and looked at the replys, i couldn't read them but i could read the souls of the profiles of each member. inside this reality everything was so odd... i existed in the virtual world until the end of the trip...
(+2:15_ I was used to the time distortion of mxe from past trips by now so i wasnt as freaked out that an eternity in another entity could only last an hour and a half. so i began coming down, it was easier to type on the computer, at this point i entered the BL Lounge tinychat room and chatted it up.
(3:00)A headache was creeping up from behind me and i knew it was withdrawal so i busted out the mexxy and eyeballed a little 35mg dose (again sublingual) and continue.
i rode the comedown in tinychat and browsed the internet for another 2 hours at which point i was almost at about baseline, with the exception of some euphoria and stimulation from the last dose. Its about 6pm and i desperately wanted to re-enter that reality so i measured out the rest of my mxe and placed 70mg under my tongue.
(+5:40) I'm in tinychat, beginning to come up, trying to prepare myself and i get banned, perhaps a prank? i didnt say anything. I decide it's for the best. I try sitting on my bed but the mexxy likes the music so i listen to her and sit back down. I play music and open league of legends. The interface of the computer slowly grows foreign, i'm sitting there listening to music, looking at the league of legends home page, confused. My mind no longer knew what a computer was, it saw it as a gate into another reality once more. It took me what felt like 30 mins to click play game.
(6:20) The game is starting and im being swept away by the mxe, i close my eyes and let myself get lost in the abyss. I open my eyes and see the loading screen. I instinctively had chosen udyr, my favorite character. Some part of me knew what the loading screen meant, but the analytical side of my brain was blank, i thought this was a real life battle starting. The game started and i was once more immersed in the virtual world, i was more or less aware of the physical world this time and the game kept me grounded in time. Within 10 minutes of playing, i had turned a 3rd person game into a first person, i was tunnel visioned and aware i was playing. It didnt go great, we lost because i died often but i was entirely immersed in the game, in my character for the entire time and it was quite enjoyable. Even today, 5 days later (re-writing the trip), the game still isnt the same to me, it looks so foreign. So unreal. Every time i play it brings on flashbacks. Not unpleasant but not pleasant. I finish the game and i'm already coming down. This trip was very short lived and i was irritated that i couldnt break through again. I was once more aware of how to work a computer and i browsed bluelight, listening to more music.
(+7:30) the mind fuck is mostly gone but the body load is still very much there. i could still feel the energy of the mxe flowing through me.
(+8:00) I decide to robo-walk down the stairs to go have a cigarette. I step outside and try to take a puff. Just like last time, my lungs are shot, it's hard to smoke so i sit down and take tiny puffs every so often, just sitting there recollecting on the entire experience. the nicotine seems to bring back the void. My head spins, im consumed by the void (idk how else to describe it), i am nothingness. i finished the cigarette over the course of what felt like 15 mins (probably more like 8), i sit there for another 15 coming back down from the cig enhanced high.
Its about 8:30 pm(+8:20?) and i go sit down at the tv. I flip through channels, i enjoy whatever i watch. Everything looks so surreal, i'm still half contemplating whether what i saw was real. Colors are a bit more vivid. The headache is creeping up but i ignore it. My vision actually splits as if i was on dxm - so odd! I watch star wars VI, meet the parents, family guy. I get lost in the shows, even in the commercials. I endure the comedown for an hour or so. The headache is no splitting my cranium in half. I go find some pain relief, i take 1 vicodin (all i have) and 4 acetaminophen. I sit back down at the tv riding out the come down.
At 10:30pm i decide im bored of tv and go back to my room, i lay on my bed and turn off my lights. I'm consumed by lucid dreams before i fall into a coma (deep sleep, i didnt really go into a coma lol). I wake up after 14 hours of sleep and i feel drained and hungover.
MODS: I changed my mind about the title can you change it to ([asdf]) - First M Hole - Lost in a maze therefore i am amazing? Or ([asdf]) - my first m hole - falling into an abyss
i got off work extremely and got home at 12:30pm. i already knew i had a long 4 day weekend, no parents home until monday, and on my long commute home i decided i'd use the rest of my mxe when i got home. i arrived at home, i went to my room and measured how much i has remaining - 210mg (suprisingly alot considering all the partying i had done the previous weekend). I had done dmt the day before and it may have still been in my system and the afterglow of the dmt may have influenced my trip. I was on an empty stomach at this point. my last trip i had done 50 mg and i wanted to step it up to 80, hoping to m-hole.
I measured the 85 mg and seperated it in half with a razor blade, i consumed 40mg under my tongue and allowed it to absorb for 2 mins before washing it down with soda and licking off the small amount on the razor blade, i cleaned up and realized the remaining 40mg was right in front of my keyboard and i'd be unable to comfortably browse the internet on my comeup. i decided to put the remaining 40mg in a seperate baggy, as i tryed to push it off the edge of the desk into the bag i managed to fuck up. it all fell onto my lap and was sticking to my jeans. i took as much of it as i could and threw it back on the scale - there was 10mg there so i placed that under my tongue...
0:10 at this point i hadn't anticipated the comeup from it dissolving underneath my tongue. i had a headchange and i wasn't prepared for the mindset which made everything hard. i had to measure out another 40mg and i didnt wanna dose until 30 mins after my first dose. the problem was that i had lost track of time and i didnt remember when i first dosed... lol. it took me another 10 mins to figure out what time it had been by searching for message logs on my instant messager. i waited until 1:32 to measure out 43mg and place it under my tongue, i let this dissolve for 5 mins hoping to come up sooner.
0:40 the come up started quickly and i dont remember much of it. i can say it started with mild CEVS and before long i was plunging into an abyss, i recall seeing glimpses of my coworker and him telling me to move some metal risers and other duct and repeating that message over and over (i get told this all day long). before long i became the duct, i became plywood, i became just a piece of metal being pulled to the left, to the right, thrown around, my energy being transferred and absorbed into the ground... from there on i lost all sense of identity, plunging into a world where there was just me and my computer which i was sitting in front of. my eyes were open but i just saw my computer. i looked around and there were beings, souls everywhere. we were all connected like gears turning and i kept turning which would turn the rest of the gears, it looked like a empty room with a computer but it felt like a plane the extended infinitely. i was convinced it was either the afterlife or that i had descended to another realm. the only thing that kept me grounded to this world was the experience of being pulled in all directions from the mxe which kept reminding me that i was on drugs and even then i couldnt be sure that i didnt overdose and go to the afterlife. i can't nearly describe what i felt or saw. when i would get pulled downwards (that sensation) it was like i was descending through a tunnel, down through the earth, blackness consumed me. everything consumed me... my hands were so far away and my legs looked like a mile away. a trip without sound was pleasant and yet unpleasant, all i could hear was the humming of the universe. i lived in that realm forever, where i was the center of the universe and these gears around me were all centered around me and my turning powered the universe, as if i was a god or something and yet... i was so helpless. it felt like everybody was feeding off of my soul. i could interact with the computer but everything was foreign, i remembered that there were tabs on google chrome but each seemed to contain a different universe and i couldn't read. i knew how the interface worked but i could not read a single word written. i finally managed to close my eyes, the dmt seemed to have enhanced my imagination permanantly and when i closed my eyes i saw a double helix rotating which connects all of the possible parrallel universes, looking at it i could see all of the possible realities that it could project and i was able to sort through these realities. i blacked out, and then when i opened my eyes i saw the computer once more.
(aprox +1:40?)i could move my hand but i wasnt aware it was my hand, i was simply moving the cursor with my mind and my hand was following the cursor. when i hit youtube i felt it, i knew the interface, i clicked a random song and dubstep started. the song lasted an eternity. whenever i would plunge downwards (from the sensation of the drug) i would enter a new universe, all of which i only interpreted it as an extension of all of the same "forms"(plato's), my desk still existed but i interpretted it entirely differently, like i had lost all 5 senses and replaced them with 1 universal sense, "is this how stars see the universe?" i wondered. my thoughts were disintegrated, i didnt think in english, i thought in the language that babys think in, the primal language, the language that dogs think in, the language we think in when we are thinking without realizing we are thinking and dont bother to convert it to english. i could not convert my thoughts to english which made typing impossible. english was babblish. everything was distorted. everything was otherworldly. at some point i entered the virtual universe, i existed only inside of the computer, everyone else who was on the computer extended their souls into the computer as well and i could see them, i couldn't believe such a reality could exist inside a computer. i clicked on bluelight and looked at the replys, i couldn't read them but i could read the souls of the profiles of each member. inside this reality everything was so odd... i existed in the virtual world until the end of the trip...
(+2:15_ I was used to the time distortion of mxe from past trips by now so i wasnt as freaked out that an eternity in another entity could only last an hour and a half. so i began coming down, it was easier to type on the computer, at this point i entered the BL Lounge tinychat room and chatted it up.
(3:00)A headache was creeping up from behind me and i knew it was withdrawal so i busted out the mexxy and eyeballed a little 35mg dose (again sublingual) and continue.
i rode the comedown in tinychat and browsed the internet for another 2 hours at which point i was almost at about baseline, with the exception of some euphoria and stimulation from the last dose. Its about 6pm and i desperately wanted to re-enter that reality so i measured out the rest of my mxe and placed 70mg under my tongue.
(+5:40) I'm in tinychat, beginning to come up, trying to prepare myself and i get banned, perhaps a prank? i didnt say anything. I decide it's for the best. I try sitting on my bed but the mexxy likes the music so i listen to her and sit back down. I play music and open league of legends. The interface of the computer slowly grows foreign, i'm sitting there listening to music, looking at the league of legends home page, confused. My mind no longer knew what a computer was, it saw it as a gate into another reality once more. It took me what felt like 30 mins to click play game.
(6:20) The game is starting and im being swept away by the mxe, i close my eyes and let myself get lost in the abyss. I open my eyes and see the loading screen. I instinctively had chosen udyr, my favorite character. Some part of me knew what the loading screen meant, but the analytical side of my brain was blank, i thought this was a real life battle starting. The game started and i was once more immersed in the virtual world, i was more or less aware of the physical world this time and the game kept me grounded in time. Within 10 minutes of playing, i had turned a 3rd person game into a first person, i was tunnel visioned and aware i was playing. It didnt go great, we lost because i died often but i was entirely immersed in the game, in my character for the entire time and it was quite enjoyable. Even today, 5 days later (re-writing the trip), the game still isnt the same to me, it looks so foreign. So unreal. Every time i play it brings on flashbacks. Not unpleasant but not pleasant. I finish the game and i'm already coming down. This trip was very short lived and i was irritated that i couldnt break through again. I was once more aware of how to work a computer and i browsed bluelight, listening to more music.
(+7:30) the mind fuck is mostly gone but the body load is still very much there. i could still feel the energy of the mxe flowing through me.
(+8:00) I decide to robo-walk down the stairs to go have a cigarette. I step outside and try to take a puff. Just like last time, my lungs are shot, it's hard to smoke so i sit down and take tiny puffs every so often, just sitting there recollecting on the entire experience. the nicotine seems to bring back the void. My head spins, im consumed by the void (idk how else to describe it), i am nothingness. i finished the cigarette over the course of what felt like 15 mins (probably more like 8), i sit there for another 15 coming back down from the cig enhanced high.
Its about 8:30 pm(+8:20?) and i go sit down at the tv. I flip through channels, i enjoy whatever i watch. Everything looks so surreal, i'm still half contemplating whether what i saw was real. Colors are a bit more vivid. The headache is creeping up but i ignore it. My vision actually splits as if i was on dxm - so odd! I watch star wars VI, meet the parents, family guy. I get lost in the shows, even in the commercials. I endure the comedown for an hour or so. The headache is no splitting my cranium in half. I go find some pain relief, i take 1 vicodin (all i have) and 4 acetaminophen. I sit back down at the tv riding out the come down.
At 10:30pm i decide im bored of tv and go back to my room, i lay on my bed and turn off my lights. I'm consumed by lucid dreams before i fall into a coma (deep sleep, i didnt really go into a coma lol). I wake up after 14 hours of sleep and i feel drained and hungover.
MODS: I changed my mind about the title can you change it to ([asdf]) - First M Hole - Lost in a maze therefore i am amazing? Or ([asdf]) - my first m hole - falling into an abyss
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