I'm still on methadone. I managed to stay at the detox for only 2 days. I hate to be closed and not be let to see anyone close even if it's a couple of days.
It was still night when I woke up and couldn't fall asleep anymore. And every night looked the same, it was only getting worse. The doctor cut my clonazepam dose just like that. And I was anxious all day, then I couldn't fall asleep. Only methadone made me feel good enough to get some sleep. Besides one of my roommate there constantly pissed me off by saying how fucked up I am after the dose they give me and how I fall asleep all the time. Fuck him. He was on a way higher dose of methadone there and he looked like an asshole who has just shot heroin. Funny how he couldn't look in the mirror and see how he looks like. I didn't nod out. I was falling asleep because I couldn't sleep at night. It was that simple. So I decided that was it and I can't bear it anymore.
I had 4 days more to stay there, then I would get a place on the methadone program in my city for a couple of months. So I'm kind of mad at myself I couldn't stay there for 4 days more and not care about those fucking junkies. So I left the detox and phoned a guy from the program so he sells me some methadone because I was starting to withdrawal.
Now I have problems with tapering off at home. There are always things that irritate a person when he's free and can see the world. So the dose outside needs to be higher for sure than it is when they lock you.
I try to control myself but I taper down the dose too fast. I know that but I wanted to be clean when I get back to school after winter break. I think I won't be. I have a bad feeling it's going to end even worse and I will get back to my heroin addiction.
I can't buy morphine from the guy I used to buy because he doesn't have time to deal so he sells it cheaper to a few people and they deal in the city. But these stupid junkies must have forgotten when we were good friends and when I call, they say I need to pay like the others so my response was 'fuck off'. It just doesn't pay off to pay double when I used to pay much less.
I really don't know what to do. The hospital also didn't give me back my clonazepam. So it's easy to imagine how I freaked out on a much less dose for the last days. I'm going for the scripts to my doctor tomorrow and I will get back on track when I will have enough pills and I will be able to maintain my previous dose. I can't bear with two addiction at the same time. It's insane. I might have get an epilepsy attack because of these stupid people at the detox. I was shaking all the time because I had to cut my dose for some time.
I really don't know what to do. I will sure score some dope but I don't want to continue it. Just for the sake of old times when I had my beautiful and smart girlfriend that left me and passed away. I don't know how she could. She knew she could count on me. Now I can't find peace anywhere. No drug can bring me peace she brought. In June it's going to be 2 years since she died. And it's Valentine's Day soon. I will probably spend it with my mum at home. Maybe I'll score then. She was supposed to leave for this weekend so I could invite my friends for like two nights. It wouldn't be that bad then.![:\](https://bluelight.org/xf/BL_Images/Orig_Emoji/wrygrin.gif "wry grin :\")
It was still night when I woke up and couldn't fall asleep anymore. And every night looked the same, it was only getting worse. The doctor cut my clonazepam dose just like that. And I was anxious all day, then I couldn't fall asleep. Only methadone made me feel good enough to get some sleep. Besides one of my roommate there constantly pissed me off by saying how fucked up I am after the dose they give me and how I fall asleep all the time. Fuck him. He was on a way higher dose of methadone there and he looked like an asshole who has just shot heroin. Funny how he couldn't look in the mirror and see how he looks like. I didn't nod out. I was falling asleep because I couldn't sleep at night. It was that simple. So I decided that was it and I can't bear it anymore.
I had 4 days more to stay there, then I would get a place on the methadone program in my city for a couple of months. So I'm kind of mad at myself I couldn't stay there for 4 days more and not care about those fucking junkies. So I left the detox and phoned a guy from the program so he sells me some methadone because I was starting to withdrawal.
Now I have problems with tapering off at home. There are always things that irritate a person when he's free and can see the world. So the dose outside needs to be higher for sure than it is when they lock you.
I try to control myself but I taper down the dose too fast. I know that but I wanted to be clean when I get back to school after winter break. I think I won't be. I have a bad feeling it's going to end even worse and I will get back to my heroin addiction.
I can't buy morphine from the guy I used to buy because he doesn't have time to deal so he sells it cheaper to a few people and they deal in the city. But these stupid junkies must have forgotten when we were good friends and when I call, they say I need to pay like the others so my response was 'fuck off'. It just doesn't pay off to pay double when I used to pay much less.
I really don't know what to do. The hospital also didn't give me back my clonazepam. So it's easy to imagine how I freaked out on a much less dose for the last days. I'm going for the scripts to my doctor tomorrow and I will get back on track when I will have enough pills and I will be able to maintain my previous dose. I can't bear with two addiction at the same time. It's insane. I might have get an epilepsy attack because of these stupid people at the detox. I was shaking all the time because I had to cut my dose for some time.
I really don't know what to do. I will sure score some dope but I don't want to continue it. Just for the sake of old times when I had my beautiful and smart girlfriend that left me and passed away. I don't know how she could. She knew she could count on me. Now I can't find peace anywhere. No drug can bring me peace she brought. In June it's going to be 2 years since she died. And it's Valentine's Day soon. I will probably spend it with my mum at home. Maybe I'll score then. She was supposed to leave for this weekend so I could invite my friends for like two nights. It wouldn't be that bad then.