Meth Snorting Pretentious Juvenile Snot

P

Pyro

Bluelighter
Joined
Oct 24, 1999
Messages
1,135
Location
Bayarea California
How did I get into that conversation? I didn't even read the post until I read Pegasus's post about that post, which made me go find/read the post, which made me post this post.
Post.
Ok... it seems like everyone has let this subject go (as they should, it was lame, and uncalled for and completely pointless except to prove that no one is 40 on this board *heh... raverdad?* and you're all immature foolish people.
I also learned, be reading the electricity post that people make spelling errors, and it's kinda stupid and rude to make fun of them.
I learned that Deep is probably a really caring person when he's out and about. And I honestly am saying that, not just being sarcastic or something similar. I'm pretty sure that he has done a lot of caring things in his day (more so than me, and possibly YOU *points finger*... ok that wasn't called for but ...). Still, his way of... learning us all is a bit... unwanted/waranted/needed/called for. Even though this IS a public discussion forum and the arguement could be made that whatever you post is up for grabs...
I learned that Mona likes to ride horses (dingos?) ---- sorry, I should be slapped *strange mood*
I learned that someone I've never heard of thinks mona is cute and mona thinks she's bad? mean and evil...
but above all people, I've learned that anything I have to say is immature and drivle (sp?). The way I write (however unprefected it may be), the things I have to say or maybe they way I say them, the chemicals in my brain the path I've chosen to walk, my parents, my loved ones, my soul, life and mind, my hate, my love, my depression, my thoughts... they are all pointless -- misdirected worthless spew.
garbage, worthless, small, amazingly boring, and immature. above all immature I think. Not quite sure.
Hey guys, I'm 18 and I'm immature... do you know anyone like me?
I did hella drugs this weekend guys. I didn't have any consequences either. No hangovers or anything. Except for a little stomach ache when I tried to eat that double-quarter pounder w/ cheese while my stomach was clenched up, refusing food (I got it all down though *clap clap*).
Yeah, I'm addicted to crystal meth. I do it all the time. Everyday. Help me, I hear things that aren't there and see people move out of the corner of my eyes. they're coming t get me it's all a conspiracy. They hide from me and they wisper just out of ear-shot. Oh wait... I did crystal three weeks ago. but I HELLA need to snort it... no I don't, that's a lie. I'm lying guys. Please crusify me now. I'm a sinner and a liar. I like nude women and debauchery. I like to become intoxicated with wine and curse the heavens because my life isn't perfect.
"fuck you God"
that made me feel dirty.
Fuck you Deep.
You tried to get to me. You even had me clench my jaw a little bit, trying to figure out WHY you included me in this little game. But I know why. I - knooow - whyyy.
You like to feel big.
I'm an easy target. I'm like a mut-dog. If you hit me in the head I'll just blink at you and think "?what?". I'm hella dumb and when you speak, and it's you vs. me... my 12th grade education is paled in comparison to your education. An easy target, yes. The few times I've done meth, makes me sub-human. A lesser form of slime. And I'm a snot. I really really am. I hit my parents when they don't do what I want and think the world owes me everything. I'm a juvenile 18 year old misfit. that's easy. that's obvious.
I don't know what pretentious means
(go on Deep, this one's easy, I left a lot up there for you)
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_________ ___________
| || || || ||Pyro| || |
______________________
 
Oh. I figured I would post a little more.
I just wanted to say that Deep really does seem like a Compassionate person. Maybe all that compassion while partying kinda pents up all the things he wants to say when he helps stupid people puke or when he helps someone who's nausous. And this board is an outlet perhaps? Where he is uninhibited by his acts of kindness (seriously, I'm not fucking around yet) and he can scorn those who he has helped -- personified through YOU mona and through YOU pyro and to all you 15-pill eaters out there. Those people who he has helped needed to be scorned, but he (their helper at the moment) did not need to bring that upon them in their current state. It's like the paramedic, instead of holding your hand, tells you you're a druggie and a horrible person for being in the ambulance. That would be just wrong. Kicking someone when they're down, and even this evil Deep guy wouldn't do that. So like I said...
MAYBE
-things he's wanted to say to people he's helped
-uninhibited by this unrestricted medium
-and of course some stuff he honestly believes will be beneficial to someone.
I just want to say something real quick before you get all antsy. I just made that up. It's not true. I know it's not. but I'm offering it up as an example as to what someone might think, if even for a second as to WHY Deep always seems to offer up his advise in such a biting condesending tone.
And it is biting and condesending -- wether you use a different word for it or not
I don't own a thesarus (sp?)
-000000000000000
Deep,
I've noticed that you think we all kinda need the same treatment (to have things shoved in our face to be kinda put down off our pedestals and hit in the face) but everyone is different. We don't all need meds to be well. We don't all need the upfront 'in your face' criticism you serve up to those whom you try to help(however you choose us lowly few). The simple fact is, and I You Know This Man, -- we are all different. Not everyone responds to that kind of 'treatment'. I'm sure you'll make a great psycologist when you grow up (older), and I wish you the best of luck...
but sometimes we *don't* need 'in your face' critcism, or hurtful remarks focused at our weak points.
Pyro
 
Pyro go skateboarding or rollerblading or biking, you have way too much pent up aggression man.
That first post in this thread gave me the same feeling I got when I watched the tape of the two jackasses who shot up Columbine High, you know when they swig the bottle of Jack and scorn the Roman Road?
Examine yourself son, and get some help, please.
 
hmmm... has anyone else seen that episode of South Park... where Cartman keeps saying "hella" and it's driving everyone insane?? just curious...
and yes, I do agree with you, maybe this is a forum for him. In which case, I can assume that there are many other people out there, myself included, who need one.
I have ruined/wasted/completely ignored an entire roll becasue a less responcible friend or stranger needed my help. Sure, no problem. I don't want people getting hurt, even if they did bring it upon themselves. So what if I need to vent afterwards? These people should not be getting themselves into these situations in the first place, but I'll be damned if I let them suffer. But rest assured, I'm going to have words about it later. Now, I respect, and appreciate your opinion, honestly, I do... and I have no idea what Deep said to offend you specificly, but oftentimes, (in my experience) what people need is a good "bitch slap". There are literaly HUNDREDS of people on this board who provide the "nice guy" approach to this kind of post. Deep is just in that 5% who grab you by your shirt collar, and slap you around a bit. And why not? I'm in that 5% too... as I am sure you well noticed.
bottom line... and the POINT that I am trying to get accross is this,
BE RESPONCIBLE, in your drug use, in your daily life, in everything you do. Moreso, don't complain about it when you have been totaly irresponcible, and done something to hurt yourself. doing 15.5 caps of e, and then complaining about the side effects is like deliberately slamming your hand in a car door, and then running to whomever, and then trying to figure out what you did wrong.
but you know what? I don't want to talk about it anymore. This is the last I am going to say on the subject, maybe... well, for now anywyas.
------------------
"Like a shooting star,
Accross the midnight sky!"
-BANG!
PaRaDoX -and PLUR for all!
 
Pyro:
Before your jaws, fists and mind clench again, take a step back and look at where things stand. I have. I've taken a bit of a hiatus from the internet as a whole given what transpired here a week ago- more importantly, to invest my energies more fruitfully in life and not waste them with people and places that don't give a damn about anything other than themselves. But also to take a long hard look at the allegations made against me. Reconciling the feelings of betrayal and anger over unjust accusations and abandonment. Trying to find some reason in it all.
Consider, for a moment, that the positions I've taken up, I must believe sincerely in. Evidence? I've been betrayed by one, attacked by several, and alienated many in upholding these beliefs. So consider - simply consider - for a moment, that my purpose is something different than ego stroking alone. There are certainly easier ways to make oneself feel better at the expense of others. Ways that gain far more than I will here. Ways that involve losing much less than I have, Pyro.
Your above tribute to me above contains the same characteristic self mutilation present in all of your writings. I don't need to know you, as others suggest, to be able to see your unhappiness. Certainly, others can see it too, when they shower you with praise everytime you offer one of your angst ridden romps to the board.
Now, the human part of me would have the right to open fire on the psychological blackmail you use above - playing me up to be something big and then proceeding, as expected, to attack yourself without mercy, to elicit the sympathy of others. And not just in your usual "fuck me with a switchblade" Pyro way, but also making yourself out to be my hapless victim while affording me the kindness you claim I never gave you. That's called character assassination in textbooks, Pyro. You could hear the violins playing in the background as I read your post. In any event, I won't give you what you want Pyro, and proceed to spank you despite the attempt to make yourself look better at my expense. As illustrated by the lack of supportive responses Pyro, I hope that you can see wielding noble purposes to mask ulterior motives doesn't work very well.
But the above paragraph does still pertain to my point. The thing with you, Pyro, is that your gift as a writer blinds people, and to a certain extent, it blinds you as well. People get so caught up in the superficial beauty of your words, that they don't see the forest from the trees. Which is more unfortunate for your sake than anyone else's. Those who can't mask their techniques and needs so eloquently in prose aren't afforded the luxury of mystery that you are.
The point I attempted to make to you and your sworn protectors some time ago is that the self destruction thing just isn't working, Pyro. When I referred to your writings laughably, you took it personally, rather than academically. That was partially my mistake, for being an otherwise no-bullshit type of guy. Sorry, that's the way I am. If someone has their head up their ass, I'll tell them. It's funny, but Mr. Sticky was quite insightful when he noted the difference in responses to me and him...we have basically the same vicious sarcastic bent, but others have the prejudice that he is being playful while I am being destructive.
Anyways. The point I'm trying to make is that for the longest time I'd been watching the metaphorical equivelant of Pyro strapping on his pink bicycle helmet, marching away from his brick wall of personal problems, stomping his foot like the proverbial charging bull and then running full tilt into that sumnabitch. He'd be dazed from the impact, and hurting a bit, and he'd transcribe this to paper, and people would applaud him, because all they could see is his pain and how eloquently he described it, not the fact that he in part inflicted it on himself. And because this felt good to ol' Pyro, and Pyro doesn't get to feel good in too many places in life, hey, fuck the bike helmet, let's do it again. Bonk. It's almost cartoonish. And certainly amusing, to a certain extent. But nonetheless worthless, because it gets you nowhere.
My point in attacking those who praised you was not to belittle your suffering, but rather the fact that they enabled you to continue on this self deprecating mental masturbation. Like giving a junkie just one fix because they look at you with puppy dog eyes instead of ones blood shot. Everytime someone claps after you do something hurtful to yourself, it gives you some positive out of something that should be considered wholly negative. My unwillingness to rub your belly comes mostly from the fact that I will not condone behaviours that hurt people if I think they have control over them. Period. As illustrated by the ever-so-fair comments laid against me, standing up for what you believe in and being a no-bullshit type of guy isn't exactly the way to winning the Ms. Congeniality award.
All I am suggesting to you, Pyro, is not that you aren't investing sincere emotion in trying to overcome whatever issues it is you're grappling with, but that the application of that investment is wrong. It's one thing to run full tilt into a wall, it's another thing to run full tilt towards some kind of finish line.
There's a saying, that goes something like..."When I got my high school diploma, I thought I knew it all. When I got my undergrad degree, I knew i knew it all. When I got my PhD, I knew I knew nothing." Pyro, when I make references to education, it's not to belittle you, but rather to help you. The same angst you have, when you look at society, and see the disparity, the selfishness, the "debauchery"...you know what man? You're not the first person to see these things. I really wish I could tell you your angst is unique, but I'm afraid it's not. It's something everyone with a brain goes through when their eyes start to open. No offense. Crack open something as ancient as Socrates' "Apology" [apology, in the greek sense, meaning defense] and you'll find Socrates attack the same damned things thousands of years ago people pay lip service today. Thousands of years man! Think about that. These issues have are greater than you or I or anyone else because they have stood the test of time. Sure, in reading such things, you may be humbled, and your realizations that you value so dearly may not seem so revolutionary or remarkable. More importantly, you'll grow. You'll no longer waste time, realizing things that other people did long before you, and instead use your energies to stand on the shoulders of giants and see further. Maybe you'll see things different for the first time in your life, and this difference will afford you the peace you have so dearly sought. Education is humbling but it is also liberating. You're not the first angry teenager to think that it's worthless, and you won't be the last. But consider that if the approaches you've attempted in the past haven't given you what you're looking for, maybe you're looking in the wrong places.
The meds suggestion was simply the offering of another alternative that you may have not previously considered. Don't need them? Well given your extensive understanding of physiology, neurobiology, clinical psychology and pharmacology, I'm sure that your conclusion has taken into account all considerations and factors. Forgive the sarcasm, I'm allergic to bullshit. Sometimes things are bigger than will power alone, Pyro, and it is not a failing of your character to admit so. Sure, maybe your problems are still within the domain of your decisions, and you may not think you need them or may not need them at all. But if you ever say to yourself, maybe I'm going about this wrong, it's not a flaw to need help. It would be more stupid to continue to apply effort through mediums that won't even address the problem on the level it resides on. Think about it. If something is bigger than willpower, but you think of it as being controllable by will...so long as you treat it that way, you will never defeat it, and everytime you try and fail, your self esteem falls lower and lower...Biochemical problems need biochemical solutions, these problems can be willed away no more than a cancer patient can think away a tumour. Again, I am offering you not a solution but a possibility, and only a foolish man abandons choice.
I don't think I was harsh with you Pyro, despite what your laughable defenders may say. If what transpired was considered harsh...man, we haven't even skimmed the surface of harsh...but then again, I'm the one sitting here telling you how whack and pathetic it is to keep on whining about how bad life can be. You'll forgive me if I laugh at the "fuck-you" posturing, friend. I've stared down more than one gun and had a knife held to my throat by my own blood, so I'm afraid that your threats aren't going to fare particularly well on me. And please spare me the Ricki-Lake school of psychological speculations on why it is I do what I do. Suffice it to say I am a complex person and my motivations can't be distilled with the "displaced aggression" theory that was so popular in the 1930's. But if you want to believe I'm saying the things I do because I was sodomized with a cucumber in elementary school rather than actually believing in what I say, your loss. I'm just tired of being abused, attacked and abandoned.
I hope my points are now clear, Pyro, and won't again be twisted around into things more sinister than they are. Yes, life sucks and it hurts, Pyro. The thing you realize as you grow up, is that it's this way for everyone, so you stop using your own suffering , no matter how personal and unique it may feel, as a crutch with which to scream at life "You fucking owe me!". You accept, absorb, forgive and go on. And for all the self destructive bullshit in your writings, I know you want out. After all, it's cute how you don't mind beating up on yourself but when other people do the same to you, you just wont stand for it. And really, if you so truly believed in the nobility of all the things you do right now [crystal meth included], would you write up justifications for them? Sorry pookie, I have like a zero limit on the bullshit meter so I poke fun at these inconsistencies, trust me, they're worth poking fun of. Nobody wants to suffer, so don't bother wasting time convincing yourself that it's okay. You can light all the candles you want, wear enough black to blot out the sun and put the Bauhaus on endless repeat. But people need to be happy, and anyone trying to convince themselves or others otherwise is full of shit. And I will tell them that.
So Pyro. Metaphor time. The bullet is in the gun. We both know that it's a powerful weapon. The only question is if you are going to pull the trigger on your obstacles - or yourself.
--
...someday you will need me
when you're falling in your hole
your disposition i'll remember
when i'm letting go...
...i'd love to be the one to
disappoint you
when i don't fall down...
[This message has been edited by deep (edited 15 January 2000).]
 
Deep I want to meet you!!!! I wish there were more people like you. It's a pity that people are often too hurt/offended by your sagacity to benefit from it...
 
I had the good fortune of seeing Deep's posts on other forums, and even exchanging words with him a couple of times (a long time ago), and even still it took me a little while to become aclimated to his sarcasm and lack of tolerance for bull. And I was genuinely pleased to see he was on Bluelight when I came in with all the other Johnnie-come-latelies.
I think people need to see the replies like this to start to understand his brand of sarcasm. And to start to appreciate his brand of wisdom. Yes, he and Mr. Sticky get completely different replies from their sarcasm, but (and this is NO slam on you, Mr. Sticky, I love reading all of your posts
smile.gif
) people don't like hearing intelligent words along with that sarcasm. It's much harder to write if off as just another silly post, especially when it's saying something we know to be true but don't want to believe.
Sure, my brand of compassion runs in a different vein, but then again, how the hell could I compete with someone who consistantly attempts to enlighten people (though in a unique way) despite the almost ever-present resistance of those people? Hell, even as those people become used to him, there's almost a constant stream of newbies that immediately get offended. C'est la vie. C'est la guerre.
I dunno. Just my thoughts. And I thought I should share them, because, honestly, it scares me to think Deep'd have to take a break. Even before this, for awhile there I thought we had lost Deep as a Bluelighter.
Then again, maybe I've just been missing his replies to the 'Favorite Porn Stars' and 'Best Position While On E' threads
biggrin.gif
.
Loupy
 
Deep
do you see the difference in tone between this reply of yours and the other one? There's a huge fucking difference. This one doesn't consistantly pick on my 'weak' points. This one takes a relativly neutral tone and tells the the story in a different way.
"meth snorting pretntious juvenile snot". What I used to do in school when someone honestly made fun of me to hurt me, I would usually either fight them or blow them off. Or I'd come back with my own insult. But you're right. Yeah, most the kids in school were right too when they made fun of me. My faults aren't hidden like I want them to be. For some reason I never quite figured out how to shove them far enough to the bottom of my bag so that no one would find them or see them. But there they are. Also, those kids in school could find my weaknesses, and insult me like you have done... but they never knew me. I never let them know me. I think it's a horrible life I live but -no one- I know knows me. Not my parents, not my sisters, not my closest friends. Not you, Deep. You can find my weak points. You can probably find many of them, put them all into one message and then figure out what I might need or what I am doing to myself. And then offer up your solution, no matter how well-intended. It's easy but it's harmful and hurtful, not helpful.
The post I wrote above was written in a more juvenile format. I did it on purpose. I *tried* to sound pretentious and snotty and arrogant and like a little punk ass bitch using '1930's' psycological bullshit. You see, that's my humor sometimes. Too bad you can't hear my tone of voice and my infelctions and my face and my hand movements. Too bad I can't see yours either. It'd save A LOT of hastle I'm sure.
I've always said that the internet is cold and impersonal. And things like this just confirm this belief. I've had this idea confirmed way too many times during my 6 year stay on this wretched online community the 'internet'.
There I go again seeing the bad and negative instead of the good and positive.
smile.gif

Don't know what else to say. I'm not going to applogize. I don't applogize for who I am, I never have. But I do offer up this one thing that probably means nothing to you.
I don't hold anything against you anymore. You make me think sometimes when I sit back with a 40 and a blunt. With that mixture and that thought I become introspective and quiet. And for *that* I will say: thank you for the times of silence.
Pyro
 
Depression's a motherfucker isn't it??
When you're depressed, nothing anyone can say or do seems to help you; everything is a personal attack to send you down that much further.
You can't pussy-foot around depression. Set short term goals for yourself for things you would like to achieve, set a plan of action, then get on with it. To fail to plan is to plan to fail.
Put the past behind you and press on towards the goals you've set for yourself.
 
God damn Brock, you kinda just whipped out those self-help tapes before you replied didn't you?
wink.gif
j/k. I'm sure there's value in those words and I do set smaller goals for myself almost all the time.
1) get through week
2) get to bank, cash check without getting pissed at the smelly arabian guy in front of me who isn't moving up when the line moves up
3) get alcohol
4) arrange my friends
5) start weekend
smile.gif

j/k again.
Pyro
 
Too funny, self help tapes; naw that's stuff I've learned my own way. Some of that was stuff out of a Perl programming book and part was from scripture.
I have a younger bro who's 18 and seems to have the same angst you do. It's normal for that age, but some of my 8up friends around 30 yrs old have that same angst too and can't figure out why they can't get out of their rut. I'm like, "Hello!! Let's send shit through our synapses at warp speed in 6 directions and wake up a couple years later and wonder what the fuck happened." I'm not going to use the 'd' word, but if your brain resembles model A before use and looks like model B after use, then..... doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure that one out. You can do rolls for a couple years without too many side effects, crank or ketamine fuck you up [I daresay pretty permanently] in a couple of months.
I'm not going to suggest using it, but an ssri (prozac) helped me from sinking deeper into the murk. Yeah I know it's 'old fart senility medicine' but it can aid in getting rid of some of that mental shit that gets in the way.
Oh yeah, pussy's the best medicine
smile.gif

------------------
Brock
"Pray, think, fight, believe."
 
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