kittens_mittens
Greenlighter
- Joined
- Aug 24, 2014
- Messages
- 31
I have spent the last few months picking apart my psyche, trying to understand every facet of my addiction and 'mental illness', as it is called when a mind deviates from the norm. It is painful, and has required my admitting of a serious problem that I would rather not acknowledge. I recommend you all to go inward instead of outward, and begin the painful process of healing to begin by confronting your own reasons for demonizing a drug.
What do you fear in yourself? What do you have nightmares about? What are you most frightened of concerning drugs? Would you go back and change things? Start taking responsibility by questioning every one of your old assumptions. Bear the pain of tearing open old wounds to stitch them up correctly. I know I'm trying. And it's a painful, awful process that some days, is simply impossible. Some days I fuck up. I've relapsed, I've done things I shouldn't after time and time again of second chances and mistakes. Some days I'm ok, and some days I'm not. It seems recently that there are more of the latter than the former.
Well that being said, I hope I can help someone with this because I'm writing this for myself but as a warning to others. I have recently learned to live off the gratification that comes from helping others (as my brain being blown at this moment) and if I'm sending you this it's out of love and to pray that I can help someone. All those memories floated from my head as I inhaled the white vapor, feeling a sense of serenity, clarity, and lightness. This time will be different. I'll never get addicted. This was my mantra as I arrogantly supposed myself to be different from all the other hacks who tried meth for the first time.
Though out my time in the drug user subculture I have always been a man of control. I know the difference between fun and games and the danger zone and I always loved to push my limits but I had a strict sense of rules I followed and dissected my brain and thought processes to watch for signs of the cycle of addiction and avoided them. This made me cocky when I started my tunnel into the wild world of speed. i dont even know why i want it and i dont seem to enjoy it anymore but in some odd crazy way I do , and it makes no sense and almost seems to be out of my control
Locked up in a masochistic segment of my mind where I enjoy the crazy things this drug does to me. The way it turns me into a zombie, every time, in the same way and the euphoria is fading and until I up the dose I can't seem to put into words how it affects me anymore. It's easy to think that I am untouchable and that no drug can allow me to lose control, but at least in my case, no amount of knowledge or good intentions could have saved me once I found the perfect drug to monopolize my life. Methamphetamine turned me into a pathetic, heartless, lying monster and the saddest and most amazing thing is that I wasn't even aware that it was happening until it was too late.
One thing that is a sad reality which is hard to part with is the fact that without meth, I wouldn't be able to so eloquently express my thoughts on this paper. Meth is my love drug, and my brain chemistry has predisposed me to this. I think that the USA's blatant over diagnosis of dangerous stimulant drugs for ADD is wrong and doesn't help the problem but patches over it and without that pill you are still where you started but amphetamine takes a hard mental toll and convinces you that you "need" it and ADD is a justification that manifests in people who might not even have trouble focusing and struggle in their daily lives but feel the apparent effects of a drug designed for productivity. Most people with ADD are prone to addiction and adderall took me there. I was on 120mg/ day at one point and the fact that I'm doing meth doesn't and never has surprised me as I always knew this would be the outcome.
Meth generates a feeling of hope and productivity for me in the beginning. Even more so then adderall. It made me feel that I will be ok and that I could function and get my life in order and recently i've cut my use to almost nothing and have been using it in a more productive and confusing matter. The beauty of meth and other amphetamines is it keeps all its promises (in the beginning). When I am high I am able to concentrate and create. My sense of self is great and my ability to do and do well is overwhelming. It's almost a cruel joke to people who actually struggle with being different in cognitive behavior. I don't like the term "ADD" but I do believe this is one of the many ways which our brains differ and is a valid condition that can be categorized and differs from person to person. I was almost designed to find meth and its almost scary how the transition from Adderall to meth went.
I never liked downers, and I use meth to cope with being different in the world and not being able to focus in school and feeling isolated because I want that degree and that job but at this current moment the damage I've inflicted to myself plus coping with my condition makes it impossible. I abused adderall for a long while and I had gotten over the effects shortly before I started using meth. I used meth and then meth used me and my brain to convince me that it was helping my function just like adderall did. The worst thing about these drugs is that they've taken a large part of my life away from me and this has aided in the cycle of use.
The dopamine receptors, flooded by adderall, gave me that small kick that I seem to be lacking and when I did anything (even everyday things)I felt "naturally" proud.
However if my brain was normal and gave me that effect in the first place I wouldn't have had to swallow the poison. Now that motivation and drive is gone and with speed when you quit you experience an existence that seems morbid and useless and unsatisfying because being lazy feels the same as doing my work and being productive and i've forgotten normality and assumed that this senseless hole of nothingness is normal and depression has come from it.
I have no reason to do anything because i do not feel any satisfaction
and meth will cause the brain to justify its use in order to continue the cycle of endorphins and pleasure chemicals
I know I'm not stupid and that I could easily excel if i tried but i dont care enough to try
and here I lie, split between two paths. Do Ito try and figure out everything and make sense of this world I dont care about any of it (the speed talking) .. or just let it go and forget my inhibitions and chose artificial happiness over the real because at this point in my youth the real doesn't come anymore and its making me dull. Well, after this recent break things shifted to normality and I became happy slowly again, I had to take it slow but my drive came back and I still chose to shatter it with meth. When I used to take adderall it gave me that voice in my head that I never had that reminded me to do this and made everyday functionality much easier.
I used to be able to use my mind as a tool and organize my thoughts and priorities and function (at least until it stopped being a tool and turned into a drug of abuse)
without it I don't have that capability and I often forget and lose track of what I am doing and how I am doing it and has made studying and college almost impossible (for now, I hope that after the damage clears and my brain develops I will be cured of this plague)
and instead of taking adderall to direct and focus my thoughts rather than have blur bs of confusing randomness and organize it into a format which is at least somewhat coherent and useful...with meth
I get bliss, in a way which I'm not sure anyone else would consider blissful
and now this chemical has a hold on me, but this is not a new thing.
It has some hold over me that I didn't understand. No matter what the consequences or how bad the 4 days of not sleeping or eating and seeing the human body deteriorate from the inside out and my mind slips me and the subtle auditory hallucinations start, then the shadow people, I never seem to be deterred. I haven't used to that heavily in my recent days and I have no urge to but it seems that I have almost developed a method to the madness and can hold myself together during the mental anguish before, during and after. I'm also never satisfied. After each binge I wake up wondering why the fuck I spend the money and why I even wanted it, but in the moment it seems so gratifying. Meth costs 200$/gram and a half gram lasts me a day or two so do the math, money is flying out of my pockets. I've never stolen or robbed or dealt to satisfy my addiction and that still symbolizes to me one of the few battles that I've won over meth, but it's a struggle and I pride myself in staying honest but the pull of the drug can be overwhelming.
At one point, I remember looking at myself in a bathroom in Brooklyn 3 months ago and seeing myself in the reflection and couldn't recognize the person who started back at me. My eyes held deep purple bags that still haven't gone away when I was clean for 2 and a half months and my face and skin looked yellow, and my pants that used to be a size too small were barely holding themselves up and my ribs protruded through my chest and I looked almost inhuman. I can never really know what I saw thought because I was on my fifth day without sleep and that was the least of my problems, as all my conscious effort was being used to keep myself sane as voices called out to me and people who don't exist fluttered in and out of my peripheral vision. Meth is one fucking rollercoaster of a drug and people who don't have strong mental health and the ability to decipher reality and a seemingly real psychosis can easily lose their mind. But I enjoy the insanity and psychosis, after not sleeping 5 days and everything is a almost like a dream and I end up in some abridged version of reality where SOMEHOW I can still function
because my brain stops thinking ,stops over analyzing, stops talking.
Stopping the cycle, the vicious meth cycle, was the best thing I ever did for myself, of course. it was very tough and it took a long time (after heavy adderall abuse about a year until I felt normal, meth at a moderate level took 3-4 months). But i've learned that good things take time. One must have patience and willpower and before you know it, you'll marvel at how great it is to have your body back to normal. And 3 months I go I stopped. It's amazing how subtle the changes speed makes to your body and life seem when you're on speed but when you quit it's hard to get over that lump of desensitization and everything you do that would normally make you happy, being less potent because of neurotransmitters being overworked from abuse. It causes a depression and the first week it's beyond mortifying and crippling. Once you pass the hump you're still dissatisfied because you don't seem to be still happy and back to normal. Well, after adderall abuse for years I forgot normal
Even after experiencing normality I can't say that I much care for it and I'm not sure why. I've grown reckless and don't seem to care or have any urge not to go down the road of meth abuse and risk my life in the process. It's a personal struggle that truly hurts and confuses me but every day I learn a bit more and try a little harder. I always looked down on people who loved drugs this much, because I woke up every day feeling good and happy and never craving it and I still do with meth and go 2-4 weeks before I use and even in my heaviest of days I had periods of grace but something has a hold of me here. It's a perfect storm. Medical disposition and similar drugs which have causes permanent damage in my brain and feeling out casted in the real life world because I have to struggle to study and do work much more then the average person but I am coming to accept this. All in all, I started realizing that as much as I never wanted to stop putting crystal in my body, I was going to have to, or be addicted to it for the rest of my life. More so then this, I have to learn how to live and deal with life after crystal , coming out of this speed addiction that's been steady since 10th grade and being in the same situation with my focus and mental state but being damaged and depressed and scared. Flaw is my drug of choice and I was ignorant and curious about it’s power and it burned me so the best I can do is learn.
What do you fear in yourself? What do you have nightmares about? What are you most frightened of concerning drugs? Would you go back and change things? Start taking responsibility by questioning every one of your old assumptions. Bear the pain of tearing open old wounds to stitch them up correctly. I know I'm trying. And it's a painful, awful process that some days, is simply impossible. Some days I fuck up. I've relapsed, I've done things I shouldn't after time and time again of second chances and mistakes. Some days I'm ok, and some days I'm not. It seems recently that there are more of the latter than the former.
Well that being said, I hope I can help someone with this because I'm writing this for myself but as a warning to others. I have recently learned to live off the gratification that comes from helping others (as my brain being blown at this moment) and if I'm sending you this it's out of love and to pray that I can help someone. All those memories floated from my head as I inhaled the white vapor, feeling a sense of serenity, clarity, and lightness. This time will be different. I'll never get addicted. This was my mantra as I arrogantly supposed myself to be different from all the other hacks who tried meth for the first time.
Though out my time in the drug user subculture I have always been a man of control. I know the difference between fun and games and the danger zone and I always loved to push my limits but I had a strict sense of rules I followed and dissected my brain and thought processes to watch for signs of the cycle of addiction and avoided them. This made me cocky when I started my tunnel into the wild world of speed. i dont even know why i want it and i dont seem to enjoy it anymore but in some odd crazy way I do , and it makes no sense and almost seems to be out of my control
Locked up in a masochistic segment of my mind where I enjoy the crazy things this drug does to me. The way it turns me into a zombie, every time, in the same way and the euphoria is fading and until I up the dose I can't seem to put into words how it affects me anymore. It's easy to think that I am untouchable and that no drug can allow me to lose control, but at least in my case, no amount of knowledge or good intentions could have saved me once I found the perfect drug to monopolize my life. Methamphetamine turned me into a pathetic, heartless, lying monster and the saddest and most amazing thing is that I wasn't even aware that it was happening until it was too late.
One thing that is a sad reality which is hard to part with is the fact that without meth, I wouldn't be able to so eloquently express my thoughts on this paper. Meth is my love drug, and my brain chemistry has predisposed me to this. I think that the USA's blatant over diagnosis of dangerous stimulant drugs for ADD is wrong and doesn't help the problem but patches over it and without that pill you are still where you started but amphetamine takes a hard mental toll and convinces you that you "need" it and ADD is a justification that manifests in people who might not even have trouble focusing and struggle in their daily lives but feel the apparent effects of a drug designed for productivity. Most people with ADD are prone to addiction and adderall took me there. I was on 120mg/ day at one point and the fact that I'm doing meth doesn't and never has surprised me as I always knew this would be the outcome.
Meth generates a feeling of hope and productivity for me in the beginning. Even more so then adderall. It made me feel that I will be ok and that I could function and get my life in order and recently i've cut my use to almost nothing and have been using it in a more productive and confusing matter. The beauty of meth and other amphetamines is it keeps all its promises (in the beginning). When I am high I am able to concentrate and create. My sense of self is great and my ability to do and do well is overwhelming. It's almost a cruel joke to people who actually struggle with being different in cognitive behavior. I don't like the term "ADD" but I do believe this is one of the many ways which our brains differ and is a valid condition that can be categorized and differs from person to person. I was almost designed to find meth and its almost scary how the transition from Adderall to meth went.
I never liked downers, and I use meth to cope with being different in the world and not being able to focus in school and feeling isolated because I want that degree and that job but at this current moment the damage I've inflicted to myself plus coping with my condition makes it impossible. I abused adderall for a long while and I had gotten over the effects shortly before I started using meth. I used meth and then meth used me and my brain to convince me that it was helping my function just like adderall did. The worst thing about these drugs is that they've taken a large part of my life away from me and this has aided in the cycle of use.
The dopamine receptors, flooded by adderall, gave me that small kick that I seem to be lacking and when I did anything (even everyday things)I felt "naturally" proud.
However if my brain was normal and gave me that effect in the first place I wouldn't have had to swallow the poison. Now that motivation and drive is gone and with speed when you quit you experience an existence that seems morbid and useless and unsatisfying because being lazy feels the same as doing my work and being productive and i've forgotten normality and assumed that this senseless hole of nothingness is normal and depression has come from it.
I have no reason to do anything because i do not feel any satisfaction
and meth will cause the brain to justify its use in order to continue the cycle of endorphins and pleasure chemicals
I know I'm not stupid and that I could easily excel if i tried but i dont care enough to try
and here I lie, split between two paths. Do Ito try and figure out everything and make sense of this world I dont care about any of it (the speed talking) .. or just let it go and forget my inhibitions and chose artificial happiness over the real because at this point in my youth the real doesn't come anymore and its making me dull. Well, after this recent break things shifted to normality and I became happy slowly again, I had to take it slow but my drive came back and I still chose to shatter it with meth. When I used to take adderall it gave me that voice in my head that I never had that reminded me to do this and made everyday functionality much easier.
I used to be able to use my mind as a tool and organize my thoughts and priorities and function (at least until it stopped being a tool and turned into a drug of abuse)
without it I don't have that capability and I often forget and lose track of what I am doing and how I am doing it and has made studying and college almost impossible (for now, I hope that after the damage clears and my brain develops I will be cured of this plague)
and instead of taking adderall to direct and focus my thoughts rather than have blur bs of confusing randomness and organize it into a format which is at least somewhat coherent and useful...with meth
I get bliss, in a way which I'm not sure anyone else would consider blissful
and now this chemical has a hold on me, but this is not a new thing.
It has some hold over me that I didn't understand. No matter what the consequences or how bad the 4 days of not sleeping or eating and seeing the human body deteriorate from the inside out and my mind slips me and the subtle auditory hallucinations start, then the shadow people, I never seem to be deterred. I haven't used to that heavily in my recent days and I have no urge to but it seems that I have almost developed a method to the madness and can hold myself together during the mental anguish before, during and after. I'm also never satisfied. After each binge I wake up wondering why the fuck I spend the money and why I even wanted it, but in the moment it seems so gratifying. Meth costs 200$/gram and a half gram lasts me a day or two so do the math, money is flying out of my pockets. I've never stolen or robbed or dealt to satisfy my addiction and that still symbolizes to me one of the few battles that I've won over meth, but it's a struggle and I pride myself in staying honest but the pull of the drug can be overwhelming.
At one point, I remember looking at myself in a bathroom in Brooklyn 3 months ago and seeing myself in the reflection and couldn't recognize the person who started back at me. My eyes held deep purple bags that still haven't gone away when I was clean for 2 and a half months and my face and skin looked yellow, and my pants that used to be a size too small were barely holding themselves up and my ribs protruded through my chest and I looked almost inhuman. I can never really know what I saw thought because I was on my fifth day without sleep and that was the least of my problems, as all my conscious effort was being used to keep myself sane as voices called out to me and people who don't exist fluttered in and out of my peripheral vision. Meth is one fucking rollercoaster of a drug and people who don't have strong mental health and the ability to decipher reality and a seemingly real psychosis can easily lose their mind. But I enjoy the insanity and psychosis, after not sleeping 5 days and everything is a almost like a dream and I end up in some abridged version of reality where SOMEHOW I can still function
because my brain stops thinking ,stops over analyzing, stops talking.
Stopping the cycle, the vicious meth cycle, was the best thing I ever did for myself, of course. it was very tough and it took a long time (after heavy adderall abuse about a year until I felt normal, meth at a moderate level took 3-4 months). But i've learned that good things take time. One must have patience and willpower and before you know it, you'll marvel at how great it is to have your body back to normal. And 3 months I go I stopped. It's amazing how subtle the changes speed makes to your body and life seem when you're on speed but when you quit it's hard to get over that lump of desensitization and everything you do that would normally make you happy, being less potent because of neurotransmitters being overworked from abuse. It causes a depression and the first week it's beyond mortifying and crippling. Once you pass the hump you're still dissatisfied because you don't seem to be still happy and back to normal. Well, after adderall abuse for years I forgot normal
Even after experiencing normality I can't say that I much care for it and I'm not sure why. I've grown reckless and don't seem to care or have any urge not to go down the road of meth abuse and risk my life in the process. It's a personal struggle that truly hurts and confuses me but every day I learn a bit more and try a little harder. I always looked down on people who loved drugs this much, because I woke up every day feeling good and happy and never craving it and I still do with meth and go 2-4 weeks before I use and even in my heaviest of days I had periods of grace but something has a hold of me here. It's a perfect storm. Medical disposition and similar drugs which have causes permanent damage in my brain and feeling out casted in the real life world because I have to struggle to study and do work much more then the average person but I am coming to accept this. All in all, I started realizing that as much as I never wanted to stop putting crystal in my body, I was going to have to, or be addicted to it for the rest of my life. More so then this, I have to learn how to live and deal with life after crystal , coming out of this speed addiction that's been steady since 10th grade and being in the same situation with my focus and mental state but being damaged and depressed and scared. Flaw is my drug of choice and I was ignorant and curious about it’s power and it burned me so the best I can do is learn.
