SpunkySkunk347
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Jan 15, 2006
- Messages
- 1,717
I'm going to keep this short and sweet, or maybe not sweet but to the point. However, I can see now that it is becoming another very in-depth discussion. The point is, I could really use advice, so I wouldn't mind hearing your 2 cents on the topic even if you ended up just skimming through what I had to say
I am experiencing cognitive dissonance about my own thoughts - or, what could be called a metacognitive schism. I do not know whether this indicates the onset of schizophrenia, or perhaps just a severe case of obsessive thought patterns. Whatever it may indicate, it is all most likely the result of my amphetamine usage (which I have been using on a regular basis for the past year and a half), obsessive thinking, or traumatic experiences during these past two years - but, to be fair, it is probably a combination of all speculated sources, as they would seem to be entertwined.
For those of you who have been through a similar situation (mainly, amphetamine addiction) and have recovered to a relative degree of normalcy, which one of these scenarios below do you feel to be the most accurate explanation of what is happening in my mind:
At one point in time, it felt that my perspective of reality, and my mental image of myself (or, my ego, if you prefer the term), was completely accurate and I deserved my claim to its possession.
A) During a period of metacognition, I made an assumption about my own cognition that was wrong - this began opening up a dichotomy (Logic like: Either "This" or "That", not both - or, "Black and white" thinking) resulting in cognitive dissonance, confusion, and possibly psychosis. There may be many psychological chasms, or just a few, or they might be something of a purely neurological basis that could be resolved with time and by me not thinking about it.
B) I haven't made a "wrong" assumption (as speculated in scenario A) but I have merely become more demanding of my own awareness of myself - so much so that I have exceeded my brain's physical capacity for introspection.
B2) I haven't exceeded my brain's capacity, but instead the mere fact that I recognize the sensation of "Cognitive Dissonance" beckons me to identify the source and the nature of cognitive dissonance. Therefore, I re-create cognitive dissonance within in my own mind, paradoxically because I am trying to figure out what's causing it.
C) The inherent nature of any introspection (in all people) requires external stimuli in order to sustain the introspection. Therefore, when I spend more time during the day introspecting instead of making external observations/decisions/actions, confusion results as I do not possess enough fresh information to work with in my short-term memory.
D) My egotistical image of myself as being mentally superior was the result of adolesence (more specifically, me having high testosterone levels). Now that adolesence is winding down (I'm 19), so are my testosterone levels and hence, my positive self-image. If this is the case, should I just accept it? Or could Testosterone administration (with the consultation of a legal practioner of medicine, of course) be beneficial?
_ _ _ _ _ _
Just as most people like to feel a sense of confidence/strength after overcoming a struggle in their life, I also feel the desire to establish a sense of "self-worth" for having endured such an intense level of suffering.
As Nietzsche said, "That which doesn't kill you makes you stronger"
However, if I were to give myself such ego-credentials for having over-come this intense 2-year long period of cognitive dissonance, should I feel it to be immoral?
After all, this whole scenario could be seen as being "self-maintained misery", but this prolonged masochism wasn't intentional on my part (although unconsciously it could have been intentional).
Furthermore, shouldn't it be embarassing for me (contrary to using it as an ego-credential) that I found myself so distressed just because I couldn't fathom my own shadow (in the Jungian sense)?
Without knowing exactly how I am capable of doing it, I am able to willingly leave this state of cognitive dissonance, with curiosity being the only thing pulling me back in. As a result, I am beginning to recover. I have also dramatically halted my usage of amphetamine (by actually flushing it down the toilet).
Ultimately, and maybe delusionally, it was the faith in my own rationality (while accepting my inability to have complete confidence in the accuracy of my logic) along with using the music of the band Tool (fittingly, using it as my psychological tool to guide me through the infinite possibilities and chaos that the future beholds) to find that human willpower itself (with its property of self-awareness by its nature causing unpredictability) would break through the lines and boundaries created by the field of psychology - as well as philosophy, religion, and indeed all forms of epistemology that try to define the human mind.
The ego is not inherently "good" or "evil" - and our minds varying perspectives can not be completely objective, or else we would cease to be a "mind". Nietzsche acknowledged that as "perspectivism".
So whether "I" am really "me", and whether "I" can view my past/present/future as "righteous" is yet to be determined, and will vary depending upon the subject who interprets it - and when it finally does comes time to determine it, my past "self" can only be but an echo of an influence upon the outcome.
Now, I need your opinions so I know how to best-manage the remainder of my journey out of this psychological ultimatum.
I am experiencing cognitive dissonance about my own thoughts - or, what could be called a metacognitive schism. I do not know whether this indicates the onset of schizophrenia, or perhaps just a severe case of obsessive thought patterns. Whatever it may indicate, it is all most likely the result of my amphetamine usage (which I have been using on a regular basis for the past year and a half), obsessive thinking, or traumatic experiences during these past two years - but, to be fair, it is probably a combination of all speculated sources, as they would seem to be entertwined.
For those of you who have been through a similar situation (mainly, amphetamine addiction) and have recovered to a relative degree of normalcy, which one of these scenarios below do you feel to be the most accurate explanation of what is happening in my mind:
At one point in time, it felt that my perspective of reality, and my mental image of myself (or, my ego, if you prefer the term), was completely accurate and I deserved my claim to its possession.
A) During a period of metacognition, I made an assumption about my own cognition that was wrong - this began opening up a dichotomy (Logic like: Either "This" or "That", not both - or, "Black and white" thinking) resulting in cognitive dissonance, confusion, and possibly psychosis. There may be many psychological chasms, or just a few, or they might be something of a purely neurological basis that could be resolved with time and by me not thinking about it.
B) I haven't made a "wrong" assumption (as speculated in scenario A) but I have merely become more demanding of my own awareness of myself - so much so that I have exceeded my brain's physical capacity for introspection.
B2) I haven't exceeded my brain's capacity, but instead the mere fact that I recognize the sensation of "Cognitive Dissonance" beckons me to identify the source and the nature of cognitive dissonance. Therefore, I re-create cognitive dissonance within in my own mind, paradoxically because I am trying to figure out what's causing it.
C) The inherent nature of any introspection (in all people) requires external stimuli in order to sustain the introspection. Therefore, when I spend more time during the day introspecting instead of making external observations/decisions/actions, confusion results as I do not possess enough fresh information to work with in my short-term memory.
D) My egotistical image of myself as being mentally superior was the result of adolesence (more specifically, me having high testosterone levels). Now that adolesence is winding down (I'm 19), so are my testosterone levels and hence, my positive self-image. If this is the case, should I just accept it? Or could Testosterone administration (with the consultation of a legal practioner of medicine, of course) be beneficial?
_ _ _ _ _ _
Just as most people like to feel a sense of confidence/strength after overcoming a struggle in their life, I also feel the desire to establish a sense of "self-worth" for having endured such an intense level of suffering.
As Nietzsche said, "That which doesn't kill you makes you stronger"
However, if I were to give myself such ego-credentials for having over-come this intense 2-year long period of cognitive dissonance, should I feel it to be immoral?
After all, this whole scenario could be seen as being "self-maintained misery", but this prolonged masochism wasn't intentional on my part (although unconsciously it could have been intentional).
Furthermore, shouldn't it be embarassing for me (contrary to using it as an ego-credential) that I found myself so distressed just because I couldn't fathom my own shadow (in the Jungian sense)?
Without knowing exactly how I am capable of doing it, I am able to willingly leave this state of cognitive dissonance, with curiosity being the only thing pulling me back in. As a result, I am beginning to recover. I have also dramatically halted my usage of amphetamine (by actually flushing it down the toilet).
Ultimately, and maybe delusionally, it was the faith in my own rationality (while accepting my inability to have complete confidence in the accuracy of my logic) along with using the music of the band Tool (fittingly, using it as my psychological tool to guide me through the infinite possibilities and chaos that the future beholds) to find that human willpower itself (with its property of self-awareness by its nature causing unpredictability) would break through the lines and boundaries created by the field of psychology - as well as philosophy, religion, and indeed all forms of epistemology that try to define the human mind.
The ego is not inherently "good" or "evil" - and our minds varying perspectives can not be completely objective, or else we would cease to be a "mind". Nietzsche acknowledged that as "perspectivism".
So whether "I" am really "me", and whether "I" can view my past/present/future as "righteous" is yet to be determined, and will vary depending upon the subject who interprets it - and when it finally does comes time to determine it, my past "self" can only be but an echo of an influence upon the outcome.
Now, I need your opinions so I know how to best-manage the remainder of my journey out of this psychological ultimatum.
