Mescaline - Finding it hard to make sense of suicidal thoughts during last trip

[firdous e bareen]

Before my last trip with mescaline HCL (500mg) I wrote down my intentions. One of my intentions was to fully confront my shadow - so all of my deepest insecurities and fears. Perhaps I was not ready for this.

As I peaked, there was an emotional release. I felt so vulnerable, naked (I was actually half naked ) and child-like. It was like regressing to an infantile state. I felt all the pain I had been feeling (I suffer from depression). I fully realised how much I had been suffering and I began to cry. I just felt so much empathy and care for myself, then this extended towards the rest of humanity, to anyone else who might be lacking self-love.

At the same time, the experience was incredibly pleasurable, both physically and mentally. But at some later point, I don't know why, I started wondering whether I was in a fit mental state. Was I stable? Should I have taken a psychedelic when I've been depressed? Then I wondered whether I might do something stupid since I'm so out of it. And since my deepest fear is suicidal thoughts and committing suicide (I have struggled with these thoughts before), this was brought up. There was a slight moment of panic as I worried about whether I actually wanted to do it.

This panic soon subsided and was replaced with a deep question about why I wanted to live. And I found the answer: human connection. I imagined sharing moments of laughter with my sister and that was enough. So long as there were people I could connect with, I thought, this provides all the meaning in life I need. It was quite a powerful realisation, and I try to keep it close to me now.

I also accepted that these thoughts have been there, may be there and may arise again in the future. But my thoughts went in an interesting and positive direction. I said to myself, 'Okay, these thoughts are there, but that's not what life is all about, check out all of these other ways of thinking, which are much more fun!' I guess it was like recognising this darkness but not giving so much weight to it. Of course, suicidal thoughts are concerning, but I realised how much more trouble I get myself into by entertaining them, feeding them and by no responding to them with everything positive going on in my life.

I guess I am still integrating this trip, since this fear is still alive and in my mind. I haven't told anyone (not even my therapist about this) since I'm afraid they will say, you shouldn't have taken drugs in that state, and tell me I could have hurt myself. I don't know. Maybe they're right.

On the one hand, I feel like I resolved an existential crisis. But on the other hand, I wonder if psychedelics are actually a good idea for me right now. I guess the fact that these thoughts came up makes me question whether I was putting myself at risk or whether I was dealing with something unaddressed. I was just scared in that moment. There's honestly nothing scarier than having those thoughts...

I wish I could say that psychedelics have cured my depression and resolved my deepest insecurities, but I can't. They've shone a light, added perspective, offered therapeutic value and wisdom, but not healed me.

substancecode_mescaline
substancecode_phenethylamines
explevel_experienced
roacode_oral
exptype_positive
exptype_difficult

 

[cj187]

Taking a psychedelic always carries some risk, especially when you are depressed, but it can be very therapeutic. In your case, it sounds like it went ideally. You said you wanted to face your fears, and you did. Considering your history of suicidal thought and continuing struggle with depression, it's likely you would have had to face thoughts of suicide again at some point anyway. Even on a psychedelic, in a vulnerable state, you saw that you have a reason to keep on living and to be happy.

Psychedelics are valuable because they can give you new perspectives that help you understand things. They won't cure you. They just help show you the way. Issues like depression aren't caused by rational thoughts and no realization will immediately make it go away. However, with time, I think you will have an easier time dealing with your problems if you remember the things you realized during your trip and continue to integrate those thoughts into your life.

Are psychedelics a good idea for you right now? From the way you describe your experience, it seems clear to me that your trip was beneficial to you. I would say you made the right choice to do it. If I were you, I would cherish that experience but not trip again for the time being. Like I said before, psychedelics are useful but you can't rely on them to cure you. it sounds like you already got everything you needed.

 

[Xorkoth]

Nice report, and yeah it sounds like the trip was definitely good for you. Psychedelics aren't a cure for anything... they can simply be powerful facilitators of insight. Work still must be done afterwards to make what you realize a part of your life.