mark viduka
Greenlighter
- Joined
- Jan 9, 2016
- Messages
- 3
For the last 3 years I have experienced hell on earth since using a drug, I do not know what has happened to me and what is happening, ive been through every mental health service you can think of, ive travelled the world looking for a dr who can help. I just need to post this, just incase someone might have an idea what has happened to me, I really cant go through this anymore and I beleive I am a lost cause.
Long story short, I was wrongly given Medrol by a dr for 'adrenal fatigue' and after taking it for a while it dropped me into a state of HELL.
for 8 months i was CHARGING back and forth from morning til night, terrorized out of my mind. Crying constantly, throwing up. emotional extremes flowing through me intensely, everything was so WEIRD and intense. The anxiety, terror, dread and fear was so deep that I was stuck. hard to explain but wow it devastated me and none of my family contacted drs or looked into the drugs effects.
A friend online eventually helped me realize that Medrol could do this kind of thing to a person and I slowly weaned off Medrol onto Hydrocortisone and then off that.
Some of the weirdness went but I was still charging back and forth, crying, basically being mentally tortured every second of my life. I have a sense that after coming off medrol my nervous system was so comprimised by my time on medrol that perhaps I was experiencing extreme adrenaline levels? but maybe not just that - I remember experiencing sensations and feelings that are undescribale but they where torturous, the exploding state that continues is actually putting these thoughts and memories into my brain in relation to the feelings and sensations.
Everything was haunted, I couldnt stop crying, every cell and nerve in body was being raped by what i think was adrenaline. The adrenaline eventually died down but I seemed to break down 2 or 3 times and it all started up again! I used to go to bed at the end of the day feeling like every nerve in my body was devastated, now i dont feel like I even have nerves. It was a constant reactive state that fed itself for months and months constantly before dieing down a bit only to breakdown and restart.
One thing has always stayed the same since 3 years ago when I started medrol, it is soo hard to describe but I will try my best, it is not simply anxiety as most of us know it, its on another level-
its too strange and complex to even explain and after 3 years ive lost so many additional aspects of my brain and reality i dont know where to turn
Theres a chaos in my mind, every second is so hard its flooding me I'm drowning in it. I get anxious memories hitting me all the time, all day.
Every second anxious and obscure memories, severely anxious thoughts, obsessive negative thoughts - anything you like! it justs keeps coming. its impossible for me to not get lost in the chaos because its on a level nobody understands. I am not exxagerating by every second I mean it. I haven't had ONE second of relief from this hell for three years, I will continue to be trapped in it because its too severe, I cannot get around it, my brain goes round and round and round. its so severe that it actually feels like a physical force in my brain, it is paralyzing me every second, i have no chance of escape. It is psychological tormenting. something is constantly running through me.
Its not depression, its anxiety on a level nobody could understand from the outside. Its so bad and consistant that you get lost in it. But it feels very weird and complex.
Maybe the best way to describe it is that
My mind is in an exploding state, constantly overfiring with no end.
This exploding state felt different 3 years ago compared to now, now all the weird sensations i remember having have gone 'blank' I remember everything deeply disturbing me, music, smells... so intense and strange.
So tough to explain this state my brain is, impossible to do it justice, truly impossible. I could not beleive suffering on this level was possible. it would be a miracle to recover.
I have done plasma catecholomines tests and my noradrenaline is normal, so i dont think its simply a case of that being high (atleast not anymore). my thoughts are that the exploding state i try to describe damaged something so im not even feeling the sensations i should be.
its as if my brain is continously overfiring, it is more than anxiety but i cant describe or explain the experience, its suffocating.
Even in the safest, most comfortable place possible I am suffering these overfiring effects. I cannot explain what its like on a plane but wow, that is truly hell on earth.
feels as if my minds neurons have gone AWOL.
It's actually suffocating, like things are literally over firing and exploding in my brain, so bizzare. I'm drowning in this 'state' - a flood that never ends, calling it anxiety seems to underplay it, i dont feel like anxiety is the correct world to describe this but its so hard to put this into words.
A guy on reddit suggest memantine, thoughts?
Edit: RE mindfulness
Trouble is, I can't simply change the way I think, its THAT bad that it's a brain out of control for every millisecond I am conscious. Feels like a 'multi-layered' flood that suffocates and rapes me. I truly cannot do it justice with words. Ive tried CBT. It's a truly powerful force in my mind. I dont cry anymore because im so blank and numb and so is the world - all sensations are numbed. But the sensations and feelings this exploding state was producing + adrenaline would actually have me crying, begging for death 24/7, like i say catecholomines are not even high right now, I know how high noradrenaline *feels* this isnt it anymore. I swear this last 3 years has made me so dumb, I walk around all day trying to get relief (at this point i can sit down if i want to, im not exactly in the state where i was charging back and forth in a truly terrorized state 16 hrs a day) and my brain feels so damaged an slow at this point after having no relief in 3 years and 2 or 3 severe breakdowns which fel tlike the world was ending, I find myself walking back and forth with no direction at all because im so lost.
My mother has kicked me out from the home and I know my end is very near, if people i know just experienced 10 minutes of this hell they would understand but they cant so i just need to know if this makes sense to anyone on here. I wake up and before I even dare open my eyes my whole self is stunned by this exploding/over firing state in my brain.
Im paralyzed by this state i suffer, its unimaginable for anyone not in it. On top of it, i feel agrresive and like a nervous wreck (babys crying, people shouting, music a bit loud is giving me deep distress, flinching at sounds and movements) this was triggered by the latest breakdown which was the worst easilly. I remember putting a towel in my mouth and screaming and screaming., Catecholomines dont feel high and the tests show they arnt but at the times i beleive they where, i suspect they where extremely high to make one pace back and forth in terror for 16 hours a day - 3 hours sleep, wake up in hell, repeat! it actually felt like i had an aura around me, the nervous energy was that intense that it felt like an aura surrounded my world.
Can anyone make sense of the over firing state? It's such a force, I cannot beat it. I can kind of understand the sympathetic response but not this continued brain torture!
When I say suffocating I don't mean in the throat area. It's like a continous force in my head
Things I can rule out:
Adrenal problems.
Valium, l theanine changed nothing, so maybe it's not gaba?
Long story short, I was wrongly given Medrol by a dr for 'adrenal fatigue' and after taking it for a while it dropped me into a state of HELL.
for 8 months i was CHARGING back and forth from morning til night, terrorized out of my mind. Crying constantly, throwing up. emotional extremes flowing through me intensely, everything was so WEIRD and intense. The anxiety, terror, dread and fear was so deep that I was stuck. hard to explain but wow it devastated me and none of my family contacted drs or looked into the drugs effects.
A friend online eventually helped me realize that Medrol could do this kind of thing to a person and I slowly weaned off Medrol onto Hydrocortisone and then off that.
Some of the weirdness went but I was still charging back and forth, crying, basically being mentally tortured every second of my life. I have a sense that after coming off medrol my nervous system was so comprimised by my time on medrol that perhaps I was experiencing extreme adrenaline levels? but maybe not just that - I remember experiencing sensations and feelings that are undescribale but they where torturous, the exploding state that continues is actually putting these thoughts and memories into my brain in relation to the feelings and sensations.
Everything was haunted, I couldnt stop crying, every cell and nerve in body was being raped by what i think was adrenaline. The adrenaline eventually died down but I seemed to break down 2 or 3 times and it all started up again! I used to go to bed at the end of the day feeling like every nerve in my body was devastated, now i dont feel like I even have nerves. It was a constant reactive state that fed itself for months and months constantly before dieing down a bit only to breakdown and restart.
One thing has always stayed the same since 3 years ago when I started medrol, it is soo hard to describe but I will try my best, it is not simply anxiety as most of us know it, its on another level-
its too strange and complex to even explain and after 3 years ive lost so many additional aspects of my brain and reality i dont know where to turn
Theres a chaos in my mind, every second is so hard its flooding me I'm drowning in it. I get anxious memories hitting me all the time, all day.
Every second anxious and obscure memories, severely anxious thoughts, obsessive negative thoughts - anything you like! it justs keeps coming. its impossible for me to not get lost in the chaos because its on a level nobody understands. I am not exxagerating by every second I mean it. I haven't had ONE second of relief from this hell for three years, I will continue to be trapped in it because its too severe, I cannot get around it, my brain goes round and round and round. its so severe that it actually feels like a physical force in my brain, it is paralyzing me every second, i have no chance of escape. It is psychological tormenting. something is constantly running through me.
Its not depression, its anxiety on a level nobody could understand from the outside. Its so bad and consistant that you get lost in it. But it feels very weird and complex.
Maybe the best way to describe it is that
My mind is in an exploding state, constantly overfiring with no end.
This exploding state felt different 3 years ago compared to now, now all the weird sensations i remember having have gone 'blank' I remember everything deeply disturbing me, music, smells... so intense and strange.
So tough to explain this state my brain is, impossible to do it justice, truly impossible. I could not beleive suffering on this level was possible. it would be a miracle to recover.
I have done plasma catecholomines tests and my noradrenaline is normal, so i dont think its simply a case of that being high (atleast not anymore). my thoughts are that the exploding state i try to describe damaged something so im not even feeling the sensations i should be.
its as if my brain is continously overfiring, it is more than anxiety but i cant describe or explain the experience, its suffocating.
Even in the safest, most comfortable place possible I am suffering these overfiring effects. I cannot explain what its like on a plane but wow, that is truly hell on earth.
feels as if my minds neurons have gone AWOL.
It's actually suffocating, like things are literally over firing and exploding in my brain, so bizzare. I'm drowning in this 'state' - a flood that never ends, calling it anxiety seems to underplay it, i dont feel like anxiety is the correct world to describe this but its so hard to put this into words.
A guy on reddit suggest memantine, thoughts?
Edit: RE mindfulness
Trouble is, I can't simply change the way I think, its THAT bad that it's a brain out of control for every millisecond I am conscious. Feels like a 'multi-layered' flood that suffocates and rapes me. I truly cannot do it justice with words. Ive tried CBT. It's a truly powerful force in my mind. I dont cry anymore because im so blank and numb and so is the world - all sensations are numbed. But the sensations and feelings this exploding state was producing + adrenaline would actually have me crying, begging for death 24/7, like i say catecholomines are not even high right now, I know how high noradrenaline *feels* this isnt it anymore. I swear this last 3 years has made me so dumb, I walk around all day trying to get relief (at this point i can sit down if i want to, im not exactly in the state where i was charging back and forth in a truly terrorized state 16 hrs a day) and my brain feels so damaged an slow at this point after having no relief in 3 years and 2 or 3 severe breakdowns which fel tlike the world was ending, I find myself walking back and forth with no direction at all because im so lost.
My mother has kicked me out from the home and I know my end is very near, if people i know just experienced 10 minutes of this hell they would understand but they cant so i just need to know if this makes sense to anyone on here. I wake up and before I even dare open my eyes my whole self is stunned by this exploding/over firing state in my brain.
Im paralyzed by this state i suffer, its unimaginable for anyone not in it. On top of it, i feel agrresive and like a nervous wreck (babys crying, people shouting, music a bit loud is giving me deep distress, flinching at sounds and movements) this was triggered by the latest breakdown which was the worst easilly. I remember putting a towel in my mouth and screaming and screaming., Catecholomines dont feel high and the tests show they arnt but at the times i beleive they where, i suspect they where extremely high to make one pace back and forth in terror for 16 hours a day - 3 hours sleep, wake up in hell, repeat! it actually felt like i had an aura around me, the nervous energy was that intense that it felt like an aura surrounded my world.
Can anyone make sense of the over firing state? It's such a force, I cannot beat it. I can kind of understand the sympathetic response but not this continued brain torture!
When I say suffocating I don't mean in the throat area. It's like a continous force in my head
Things I can rule out:
Adrenal problems.
Valium, l theanine changed nothing, so maybe it's not gaba?
For adrenal fatigue? I think you should be considering a lawsuit. As a scientist and medical professional (not a Dr. but a medical research scientist) I personally cannot believe they would give you potent corticosteroids for that length of time without a serious underlying autoimmunity. Even then, dosing is usually limited to serious attacks/outbreaks/relapses of the condition. You've never had an organ transplant? Holy crap, I'm trying to process this... I was given solu-medrol for a life threatening allergic reaction, and if I had known what they were giving me before it was in my veins I would have refused. These medications have serious health consequences and are typically given in tapering dose schedules. I've also been prescribed prednisone in a tapering schedule for serious ling inflammation issues - which I happily threw into the trash. My father has ulcerative colitis, and when forced to take these type of meds during exacerbations, he becomes hell to deal with, going into rage fits and breakdowns with the *slightest* provocation. 