Mentally broken

[Chinawhyte]

Hello, I'm a recovering heroin addict . I've been clean since January . It's been so hard but then again kinda easy . I've quit on/off for a few years now . when I look back at it I've been pretty strong whenever I tried to kick the opiates give me two weeks of hell and I'm good.

Well doesn't mean I don't think about it 24/7 , the only reason I quit this last time is because I became pregnant with my son & I was still using at the time BEFORE I knew I was pregnant , also I was drinking . The red flags came into my head was when I would be downing shot of liquor and I wasn't getting drunk .

So once I found out I quit everything , I quit heroin a couple of months before thanks to my current boyfriend. It's just terrible I think about it 24/7 he doesn't understand either , he just gets upset when I talk about so I don't which that isn't good either. I dream about it all the time . I crave to do it , but I don't because of my son & my DCS case.

I didn't have heroin in my system when I had him but I did have marijuana in my system because i had such bad sickness during my pregnancy, the pills didn't work and I didn't want to put my son through anymore bullshit , but I was loosing weight during and I couldn't even hold a cup of water down till I smoked it was horrible .

I also had a epidural when I gave birth to my son . It was I insane the doctor talked me through Every step of the process BUT the part when he put the needle in my back which was terrible because I jerked because I wasn't expecting it , I figured he would've told me , but no. So now I get headaches everyday , also back pain. So daily task are really hard . I'm depressed & have no energy at all only to finish household chores.

Anyways, they had found heroin use during the first trimester which is true I did but I didn't know but they didn't give me shit about it , I'm just depressed because I get piss tested every three days of the week . Recently I have got my wisdom teeth out I got like four scripts through out the process of getting them taken out I got narcos 5mg with each tooth pulled .

That was a two month process I have one tooth left I have to see an oral surgeon for I just don't know what to do I can't even fuckin drink it sucks it truly does , I get off this shit in 3 months IF I get everything done in time and I have so many clean drug test . The only thing that motivates me is my son .

But my baby daddy/ before doesn't understand that heroin isn't anything like any other drug addictions , mabey it's like meth or crack or Xanax or alcohol I know those withdrawals can actually kill you (xan/alch) but heroin mentally breaks you , it breaks your character , it breaks who you are . I wish he'd understand that but he doesn't even know what addiction feels like . Besides smoking weed on a daily basis .

Sorry I just really wanted to vent .

 

[manboychef]

The first thing I have to say is that the drug tests are a consequence to using. Fortunately for you, if you do the right thing consistently they will be over eventually and you can go on about your life without a second thought. This is not a permanent consequence.

It does not matter what your baby daddy thinks. It matters what you think. It would be nice to have his support, but if he doesn't want to do it, seek it elsewhere. There are many groups that can help give you the support you need (like this forum for instance).

The desire to use never truly goes away. It only fades to a point that it is easier to manage. Once bread becomes toast, it can no longer go back to just being bread again. There are lots of ways to mitigate cravings. Talking to other addicts that have some clean time is helpful to get the emotions out surrounding your drug addiction. Basically, drug use was the center of your life for a long time. Now it is gone, and there is a void. It is reasonable to want to fill the void with something, however, just make sure it is good and sustainable.

For the sake of your baby, I would seriously consider getting to the root cause of your addiction and doing some work on it. It is very painful for a child to grow up in a home in which the parents use in an addictive manner. If you want to the best life for him (which is evidenced by the fact that you quit using after you found out you were pregnant, which a lot of mothers do not do) I would highly suggest getting some therapy. If you are in the states, there are a lot of programs attached to wic and child welfare services that can get you some help. Also, catholic charities worked with me and my ex by sending a therapist to our house in order to work out our differences. There is help everywhere you look.

I am here for you, and if you need to speak privately PM me.

 

[Stickman Roxy]

My wife went through this when pregnant with our child. She took pain killers throughout the entire pregnancy, prescribed by her obgyn, and after my son came into the world she couldn't handle it. Became a full blown herion addict. I HATED her for this. I was an awful husband during those times. I was focused on our baby and not her bullshit. Well, as time past she got worse eventually wentry to rehab and moved. I haven't seen her in over a year. More importantly our little man hasn't either.
I became what I hated her for and am trying to get clean now. I obsess about that time period every second of the day. I don't sleep, it's always on my mind. Why didn't I just stop the madness and grab her not letting go until we both understood what was going on. I miss her more than anything in this world. The reason I became a Herion addict I suppose.
Talk to your husband. It might turn into a fight and he might not want to deal with the reality of it but don't let him go until he understands what your going through. I might still have my family if I would have done that?

 

[manboychef]

^^^My ex was using. I sent her to rehab while she was pregnant. She came back and after he was born she started using again. I don't hate her for it. I hate her for lying about me and taking my kid when I was actually the good parent. My problem was everything that came for her lies ruined me emotionally, financially, and ruined my ability to trust. This led to a massive relapse on my part which I finally now have a handle on. I can forgive her now when before what she had done kept me in a state of victimhood which was never good for me. It allowed me to excuse my using even though I was just killing myself on the installment plan. What she had done caused me to hate myself and keep asking myself the question "Am I really that much of a fuckup that the entire state of New York thinks I am an abusive person that shouldn't even own a houseplant let alone raise a kid?"

It took a long time for me to get a sense of self worth. I don't consider myself great, but I know I am a good man and what happened was not my fault (I had blamed myself for so long).

It will come in time. I am here for both of you. I know how it feels.