Finally Free
I haven't smoked any weed in a two-months. This is the longest I have gone without smoking since I started four and a half months ago. This isn't me bragging or anything like that, I just want to maybe provide some perspective to people who smoke frequently and aren't happy with it. For me, weed was very psychologically addicting. Before I quit recently, I was smoking everyday, well really vaporizing so that's a bit better, multiple times a day. Obviously this isn't rare or necessarily a problem in itself. But I was not happy. I was not happy for a variety of reasons, partially due to life-long depression and anxiety, but my addiction if I can call it that did not help. Now, this is in no way a criticism of the substance. I think cannabis is a great drug in general and has a special uniqueness in its universality of medicinal usage and overall safety.
But, cannabis addiction seems to be, for me at least, very creeping and subverted. Everyday, the question would always pop up into my head, "Why not?"
Because we know that taking a few tokes has practically no negative effects, there is no answer to that insidious question that is easy to find when you know what you want. My mind set during this time was sober=normal, flat, predictable; stoned=interesting, augmented reality, unpredictable. I was always plagued with the thought that maybe a little weed would be nice.
But the truth was, by the end of my last period of using, I always would predict that a little weed would be nice and it usually wouldn't be nice. I would get a little paranoid, tired, unmotivated and worried about the general appearance of my stoned eyes. It wasn't always this way of course, but at a certain point the effects were not that great. This in itself wasn't an issue, the issue was that I could not really remember what being high was like when I wasn't even tho I was using everyday. It was extremely odd and I think weed is special this way. The high seems so difficult to characterize unless you are currently high, at least for me. Because your entire perspective is changed when you are high, it is almost impossible to relate high-perspective and sober-perspective. Its as if they existed on a different plane of my memory. The voice in my head when I was sober would always say, "Come on, a little weed would be nice." And then once I was high, my high-self wished I wasn't high yet again.
So if anyone is feeling this way, there is hope. I had so much trouble quitting weed during this time and through out my entire period of usage. I don't think most people who enjoy weed try to quit like I did basically every time I got too high and introspective. I would always come up with the multiple reasons I should quit. So I would vow to quit but once I was sober, my memory of the way I felt was erased somehow. I knew that I had felt that way, but I couldn't relate to the sentiment.
So, how was I able to quit? Well, I withdrew from school for a variety of reasons and came home where I had no connects. It would not be hard for me to find weed on foot as I live near the West Side of Chicago but the fact that I can't just walk to my suite mate's room down the hall to pick-up is enough to keep me away.
I have found it very easy to not seek it out. When I am in a habit of using and I remain in the same surroundings and situation where I was using, its almost impossible not to give in to my sober-self cravings, rationalizations and selective amnesia. But if I find new surroundings and change from where I was when I used, quitting seems entirely easier. Distancing from people I used with helps too. This isn't a guide on how to quit or anything, I am far from an expert. I just think that the way in which weed was addicting for me is unlike anything I have experienced with any other substances, despite my limited experience with addiction.
It is an addiction entirely based on this selective amnesia not letting me remember that a little weed won't necessarily make things more interesting or whatever. Its very strange for me how once I can break out of my compulsive usage, the addiction stop. If anyone else's addiction seems to be similar to this I would say you have to find a way to break the cycle of compulsiveness.
Sorry if this just seems like rambling, I am curious tho to anyone else who feels addicted, are you addicted just because you enjoy weed to much, or does it feel like you can't stop even tho you want to and you aren't enjoying it anymore? Because I definitely felt the latter. Its sorta scary that our minds can be so feeble against or selves. But again, I support healthy usage of cannabis so if that is you, I'm happy that you know moderation. Thanks everyone.
