Medication/suboxone apathy/lack of motivation (and mojo)

[TeeCee]

Hi,

I've been on suboxone for about four years. I'm slowly tapering off. Was on 16mg at the most, and down to 1.5mg now. I can say that I don't know where I would be if suboxone wasn't there. I was literally out of control with my heroin use. But I experienced a precipitated withdrawal and that was a nightmare - it was a kick in the arse and I'm really grateful now that it happened because it got me to think seriously about getting clean.

At the same time I'm ready to come off it. The past year I've started a web design business, and I've moved into my own place. Though I feel like I'm in a haze most of the time. I feel like I'm half-heartedly working on the business. I barely have a social life because I don't feel motivated that often to go out. I think that it's perhaps partly because of some residual depression or depressive behaviour, and/or partly because of suboxone and because I've often isolated when using drugs. Also, one of the tricky things is that suboxone at low doses actually causes a bit of a high, or at least it does with me. And I can't deny that I enjoy it, but it's not helpful in trying to move away from isolating drug behaviour. It's like I'm in a rut. The weird thing is I don't feel that bad about not being motivated. But I know it's because I feel numb most of all. I'm also on anti-depressants, and seroquel, so they could be responsible for it also. I don't really feel depressed, just numb. I'm kinda thinking this through as I type... but I know that's something's not right with the picture.

It's always hard to try and be objective about these things. After you've been on a drug for a number of years it's hard to tell what's what. I know that coming off suboxone I'm going to feel even worse for awhile. But I know it's something I've got to do.

Anyone else feel like this?

 

[Just A Guy]

Hey TeeCee -- congrats on making the decision to get clean. Tapering off is tough, too, but it can be and is done all the time.

The web design business sounds pretty cool. I've been trying to get into that as well.

With regard to PAWS (post-acute withdrawal symptoms) and withdrawal in general--yes, a lot of us feel that way. I felt that way after I cold-turkey'd methamphetamine and benzos many years ago, and it probably took about six months before the worst of it passed, another year before I stopped getting the itch to visit my old "friends," and there were a couple of semi-relapses where I found similarly-acting substances and "screwed up" on them, but only for the moment.

The worst part is the damned depersonalization/Blah part of recovery. That part when there is no motivation, no real give-a-shit-one-way-or-the-other feeling to anything. Where nothing gets you excited, nothing gets you down. It's a nowhere place to be, and it sucks. Was extremely gratified when I started getting my feelings back -- felt as good as stepping outside of prison after a year of lockup, and tasting freedom again. It's one of the greatest rewards ever, up there with seeing your kid for the first time and stuff.

Just keep with the plan, try to get enough sleep, exercise, food, and fun in your life. Peace!

 

[TeeCee]

Hey Just A Guy, thanks for writing back.

Yes it is a nowhere place to be. Very blah. Hard to describe to someone if they've never experienced it. But you're right, a lot of us do feel that way in recovery. Heck, some people talk about feeling numb and aren't recovering addicts or on meds. Life can do that to you sometimes.

That's good to hear your own feelings have come back, and that your own recovery is going well. I've had some semi-relapses too. It's usually been because of something unexpected.

Writing that previous post has got me thinking a whole lot about where I am, and has got me asking some hard questions. Like, am I doing enough, without being too hard on myself in the process? I think I could be trying a bit harder, and digging a bit deeper. I've actually been thinking a lot about the serenity prayer, for the first time really. It makes a lot of sense. Courage to change the things you can. Serenity to accept the things I cannot change. And the wisdom to see the difference between the two.

I have just joined a gym actually, and I'm heading there today. I do eat well, and get enough sleep. Need more fun in my life though. Going to try and make more of an effort and see how I go.

 

[Just A Guy]

Right on, TeeCee. You and I have a common experience, then, and yes -- I'm over it! Love your way of thinking, an it's a healthy way to think. The gym might be your best friend. I worked out, worked for money, ate a lot of food, especially chicken, enjoyed movies/music, and for some reason was too afraid of alcohol to use it often. (Unfortunately, my mind grew out of that, and I started drinking habitually. When I didn't smoke marijuana, I drank alcohol, and vice versa. Always had one of those around. I've dispensed with the alcohol for now. I think you are on the right path to a successful recovery! Especially because you know you could try a little harder, but my friend, if you can make it 24 hours, every 24 hours, just think how set you are.

Good luck, and good to have you here.

 

[TeeCee]

You're so right about trying to make it 24 hours. It is all about the day, and what you can do with your day. And if you have a bad day it's about trying to make it to the next day. When my head tries to see the complexity of doing things over months and years, I try to bring it back to the simplicity of the day. Otherwise you just get anxious.

I've been to the gym twice since last posting here and I'm feeling a bit more alive and awake already. I also spoke to a friend of mine last night and we're going to go to yoga together next week. So things are starting up. Just have to keep it going. I've always been great at starting things.

I've gone through stages with drinking and smoking pot also. Being on suboxone, it's a bit weird, but I have no interest in drinking or smoking pot. And I've often found that once I start with those substances I usually end up looking for heroin, so I try to give pretty much every substance a wide berth. I imagine going cold turkey with meth and benzos would have been very hard.

Glad to be here - I've been thinking that I need to get back into a forum as there's something about connecting with a group of people through text, especially at times when you are by yourself. I think bluelight is a good fit. And I like that people talk about a whole range of things here. It's good to meet you.

 

[Just A Guy]

Yes, sir!