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MDMA Recovery (Stories & Support)

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5 months to the date now. Feeling as if I'm reaching the end of my recovery for some reason. Super calm, super good. Things around me have been failing a bit though (lost my job, low on money, family and I were close to being evicted etc.) and set me back for a couple of days, but overall I just keep getting better. I hope to be 100% by october. I head back to University on the 1st of September and if you know my story you'll know that I had a panic attack and resulted to having to move back to my mothers house whilst I still had a few lessons left until summer.

The only thing I have no is a nuclear bomb of boredom. I never know what to do with myself, anyone else had this problem?
 
Boredom!!! I could stab myself in the eye I'm so bored. I haven't worked in 6 months and I too am going broke, but I am feeling better and better. If I get healthy, everything else will work itself out.

I mentioned a while ago that I was diagnosed with severe sleep apnea. Well, I've been on the machine at night with mask for about a week now. Wow, it's amazing what real sleep is like and how helpful it is in recovery. I am starting to theorize that the sleep apnea had my brain in such a tired fragile state that it allowed for the LTC occur in the first place. It's weird sleeping with a mask on, but I'm making it 4/5 hours with it on now and the difference is nothing short of amazing. 4 hours of real sleep is much better than 8 hours of shitty sleep. During my sleep study, I never once made it to deep sleep levels.

Anyway, ro4eva, I was curious about your dosages of anti-depressants. I have been taking just 10 mg's of Paxil for just over a month now. That seems low and I was wondering if a higher dosage would be even better? My side effects disappeared now so I am feeling better about taking it.
 
rphilli72 said:
Anyway, ro4eva, I was curious about your dosages of anti-depressants. I have been taking just 10 mg's of Paxil for just over a month now. That seems low and I was wondering if a higher dosage would be even better? My side effects disappeared now so I am feeling better about taking it.
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Hey buddy, I'm so glad to hear you're feeling better. I was confident that you were experiencing a bump in the road (so to speak) earlier when you were stating that it seemed like the Paxil had messed up most or all of the improvements in your LTC symptoms that you had experienced, and that it would go away soon. And it sounds like it has, so that's fantastic! And thank God that it appears I wasn't wrong, but I digress.

With respect to Paxil dosages, I believe dosages range from 10mg to 30mg (in 10mg increments) - at least when it comes to the IR (instant release) formulation. Other formulations may vary significantly.

During the short time that I was taking Paxil, I was only ever on 20mg. As stated however, it was only for a short amount of time - about 2 weeks if I recall correctly. And I had to stop because of a dangerous side effect.

The majority of my first-hand experience with SSRI medications is from Zoloft (Sertraline). I was started on 50mg, then went up to 100mg after a month (from what I remember).

Anyways, with respect to your thoughts on dosage, 10mg of Paxil is considered a low dose. Whether you think you may benefit further from an increased dosage is something that would be better left between you and your doctor.

Edit - I will say however that when I increased my dosage of Zoloft from 50 to 100mg, I felt it was the right choice to make because many of my LTC symptoms improved far more rapidly afterwards.

That being said, if you do end up increasing your dosage to 20mg, chances are that the nasty side effects which you experienced will return. The probably won't be as severe as the first time, but they will definitely be noticeable until your body ends up becoming acclimated/used to 20mg instead of 10.

The dosage change opinion is based on my experience with Zoloft, and when I went up to 100mg from 50. As the dosage increased, the side effects which I felt when first starting the medication returned for a like 3 weeks. They weren't as severe as the first time around, but definitely there and bothersome at times.

Therefore, be prepared for the temporary return of the same nasty side effects you felt initially if you do up your dose.

There is also a (probably very small) chance that you may experience some side effects which weren't felt at 10mg of Paxil - the possibility is there however.

Also, be sure to keep in mind that the higher in dosage you go, the more difficult it will be to stop using the medication whenever you feel you are ready to stop completely.

I hope that answers your concerns and questions. If I missed something, please let me know as I'm doing 10 things at once.

Take care and have a good one :)
 
ro4eva said:
Hey buddy, I'm so glad to hear you're feeling better. I was confident that you were experiencing a bump in the road (so to speak) earlier when you were stating that it seemed like the Paxil had messed up most or all of the improvements in your LTC symptoms that you had experienced, and that it would go away soon. And it sounds like it has, so that's fantastic! And thank God that it appears I wasn't wrong, but I digress.

With respect to Paxil dosages, I believe dosages range from 10mg to 30mg (in 10mg increments) - at least when it comes to the IR (instant release) formulation. Other formulations may vary significantly.

During the short time that I was taking Paxil, I was only ever on 20mg. As stated however, it was only for a short amount of time - about 2 weeks if I recall correctly. And I had to stop because of a dangerous side effect.

The majority of my first-hand experience with SSRI medications is from Zoloft (Sertraline). I was started on 50mg, then went up to 100mg after a month (from what I remember).

Anyways, with respect to your thoughts on dosage, 10mg of Paxil is considered a low dose. Whether you think you may benefit further from an increased dosage is something that would be better left between you and your doctor.

Edit - I will say however that when I increased my dosage of Zoloft from 50 to 100mg, I felt it was the right choice to make because many of my LTC symptoms improved far more rapidly afterwards.

That being said, if you do end up increasing your dosage to 20mg, chances are that the nasty side effects which you experienced will return. The probably won't be as severe as the first time, but they will definitely be noticeable until your body ends up becoming acclimated/used to 20mg instead of 10.

The dosage change opinion is based on my experience with Zoloft, and when I went up to 100mg from 50. As the dosage increased, the side effects which I felt when first starting the medication returned for a like 3 weeks. They weren't as severe as the first time around, but definitely there and bothersome at times.

Therefore, be prepared for the temporary return of the same nasty side effects you felt initially if you do up your dose.

There is also a (probably very small) chance that you may experience some side effects which weren't felt at 10mg of Paxil - the possibility is there however.

Also, be sure to keep in mind that the higher in dosage you go, the more difficult it will be to stop using the medication whenever you feel you are ready to stop completely.

I hope that answers your concerns and questions. If I missed something, please let me know as I'm doing 10 things at once.

Take care and have a good one :)
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Thanks! That was very informative. I thought you were on a pretty high dose. And, you were taking Wellbutrin at the same time, which interests me. I just want to break the depression and sleep issues (sleep apnea) I was having before this LTC. Basically, I want to feel better than before and I'm starting to feel it's possible. There is light at the end of the tunnel! You just have to take care of yourself. I am not looking forward to the side effects returning for a couple of weeks if I do decide to go this route. I was almost bed ridden for like two weeks as I've documented in here (nauseous, tired, lethargic, brain fog), but as you told me I came out the other side feeling better!
 
That's the other reason why I've been very reluctant to share it with others - in this case, any of my doctors.
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That is why it is so important to share our stories. Not only will sticking together help us, it helps the many lurkers that are also suffering as well as those that suffer well after we are all recovered.
 
I think what I honestly realize in the end. Is that non of this at this point I would care about if it wasn't for the anhedonia to Music. Its annoying to listen to my favorite and not get that thrill out of it. I've been experimenting with new music and everything. But I think it's just that I simply can't get amped up from it. I've been listening to it even when I don't feel like and trying to let go to an attachment to it and all. But I dunno. Its so odd. Its sort of the one thing that gives me anxiety. I've honestly been considering meds to help with this one thing. But don't wanna go that route. I wish I knew a different way of going about it.Maybe mushrooms or acid when I no longer feel disassociated if this continues.
Cause I'll be honest. At 16 months later. I'm afraid my brain has forgot how to enjoy music. Would that even be possible? All other aspects I'm confident will be fine because I feel it improving. But this is the one thing that scares me may not improve.
 
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Dawglaw said:
That is why it is so important to share our stories. Not only will sticking together help us, it helps the many lurkers that are also suffering as well as those that suffer well after we are all recovered.
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You're right in my opinion Dawglaw.

It's just that, as time passed during my LTC, and as an increasing amount of medical professionals were unable to figure out what I was suffering from, it had the unintended effect of discouraging me from reaching out to others.

A couple of the doctors even accused me of malingering (I wasn't) because they could not find any objective medical evidence to support my claims of some pretty severe symptoms, which discouraged me even more until I said "screw it" and stopped bothering.

In retrospect, I regret not speaking out more about my condition. It has been a lesson learned the hard way: that I need to be more assertive in general, regardless of the potential verbal backlash.

Oh well - what's important is that I managed to get where I am today (and still alive after so many overdoses), and for a while I was convinced that I would never recover.

I will never take my health for granted again. A lesson learned the hard way, but learned nonetheless through 19 months of feeling like complete shit.
 
pmz said:
I think what I honestly realize in the end. Is that non of this at this point I would care about if it wasn't for the anhedonia to Music. Its annoying to listen to my favorite and not get that thrill out of it. I've been experimenting with new music and everything. But I think it's just that I simply can't get amped up from it. I've been listening to it even when I don't feel like and trying to let go to an attachment to it and all. But I dunno. Its so odd. Its sort of the one thing that gives me anxiety. I've honestly been considering meds to help with this one thing. But don't wanna go that route. I wish I knew a different way of going about it.Maybe mushrooms or acid when I no longer feel disassociated if this continues.
Cause I'll be honest. At 16 months later. I'm afraid my brain has forgot how to enjoy music. Would that even be possible? All other aspects I'm confident will be fine because I feel it improving. But this is the one thing that scares me may not improve.
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Have you tried not listening to music for a month or as much as you can possibly avoid it?
 
pmz, I think the music issue might be a consequence of DP/DR. Some times I feel as if real life events does not provoke a normal emotional response in my body, and this is the occasions where I have noticeable DR. I don't know if this will help you in any way, but it might be good to know that there is other explanations than simply having severed the pathways for music enjoyment ;)

My music enjoyment have normalized now for the most part (it was ridiculously high for a good 6 months). I still get surges of flashbackesque sensations while listening to music some times though.

I start working again next week. That will really be a test of where I am recovery wise. I hope I will be able to get good nights of sleep and feel good at work. I feel very good most days now, but I've had a long holiday and it isn't comparable to working 100%.

p.s. pmz, you could try to take a couple of hits of weed and then try to listen to some music. I don't think weed ever improved the music induced euphoria for me, but it certainly enhances the listening experience. I smoked some for the first time since my LTC started last week, and the high felt somewhat normal.
 
well guys im back from my holiday in italy. Was real tough the first week but i started improving after that. Drank 1 beer and 2 glasses of wine every evening which pretty much made me feel totally fine in the evenings. Daytime was still hard but keeping busy and seeing all kinds of beautiful things really helped me out and made me appreciate life. Still physically fucked up though. I feel like my body or serotonin system or whatever just isnt ready for me to get cured yet, five months in. And I caught a fever at the end which has brought me totally back to where I was before I left but I'm hoping that as I get cured, this will leave me. Wouldn't be fair of all the hard work I put in getting cured. As far as actual real improvement goes, I don't think I'm there yet. But there are a few people who only had this after like 6 months so maybe just a month more is all I need. Still no medication. Well, just wanted to share holidays can help. I guess I'll try to avoid bluelight if I can. Sometimes gave me panic attacks. I'll update when I improve! SEe you all around and best of luck!
Bicycle
lll
 
Hi, this thread looks a little abandonned maybe its because its summer. But id really like an answer to this:

Ive found people that have the same feeling as we do from trips of LSD and other drugs and it seems like its not only mdma thay drops you on this state.

So the people complain about lightheadedness and other tremors anxiety etc etc etc like we do. Someone has brought the word dementia, wich I think was pretty gosh darn smart.

This is what dementia on wiki revealed

Disinhibition and impulsivity
Depression and/or anxiety
Agitation
Balance problems
Tremor
Speech and language difficulty
Trouble eating or swallowing
Delusions (often believing people are stealing from them) or hallucinations
Memory distortions (believing that a memory has already happened when it has not, thinking an old memory is a new one, combining two memories, or confusing the people in a memory)
Wandering or restlessness

As sad as it sounds, this is exactly what I am going through and i'm a little scared because this doesnt seem to improve.

Im not here to be negative, im onlt here for more light on the subject, what is you guys opinion towards that?
 
me2point0 said:
As sad as it sounds, this is exactly what I am going through and i'm a little scared because this doesnt seem to improve.
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You have continued to use MDMA after your comedown started, remember? No wonder you don't see improvement. This thing takes a good year of abstinence to resolve. Start counting from the last time you used.

Over to the dementia similarities. I've noticed that since my LTC started, and the only thing I'm really scared of still is that my brain might be much more prone to dementia when I get older. I don't find it surprising that dementia (a neurodegenerative disease) and brain damage induced by a serotonergic neurotoxin (MDMA) has similar symptoms.
 
pmz, I think your music issue is possibly psychological from my viewpoint. I went to boardmasters festival yesterday and watched snoop dogg no problem, and got really anxious whilst watching wilkinson or any other dance type of music, just reminded me of the drum and bass I was listening to the night I took the MDMA. However I feel a lot better after a night out in a club where loud drum and bass music is on, makes me feel like I've conquered a fear a little bit.

Expose yourself to the music as much as you can, preferably with friends, and it should sway over your head, and obviously don't check for improvement.
 
happy_dude said:
Have you tried not listening to music for a month or as much as you can possibly avoid it?
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the thing i have no tried. life seems to boring. I still enjoy listening to it. but maybe thats a good idea. TO learn to really miss it.
 
thejibberman said:
pmz, I think your music issue is possibly psychological from my viewpoint. I went to boardmasters festival yesterday and watched snoop dogg no problem, and got really anxious whilst watching wilkinson or any other dance type of music, just reminded me of the drum and bass I was listening to the night I took the MDMA. However I feel a lot better after a night out in a club where loud drum and bass music is on, makes me feel like I've conquered a fear a little bit.

Expose yourself to the music as much as you can, preferably with friends, and it should sway over your head, and obviously don't check for improvement.
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its very possible, I went to bar last night with live music and enjoyed it much more. diffeent kind of music. I think its the alowing the brain to make new associations with enjoying music again.
 
Seeing as how things are looking "off" and how music "just is there" I'd definitely agree that this is all derealization.
 
@me2point0

Aside from the delusions and hallucinations part (be aware that hallucinations are possibly in an anxiety disorder, though not in the same way as psychosis type hallucinations) all those symptoms can also be found in autism, anxiety, depression, borderline and bipolar. This is the danger is trying to diagnose yourself based on just symptoms online. Hell even the full spectrum of symptoms you just listed could also apply to brain tumors, autism and psychosis.

Professionals know and have worked with people all across the mental health spectrums. They have the tools to diagnose bettrr than just look up and match symptoms. Also all those symptoms are common symptoms of benzodiazepine and SSRI withdrawal.

What you need to keep in mind is that right now your brain is literally in overdrive. Not just talking about anxiety, I'm talking about literal chemical overdrive. The normal serotonergic activity isnt there to stop all the energizing and activating chemicals from running wild in your brain.
 
I havent used since, I have just dipped my feets into the water with half a pill that ended up not kicking through the placebo, twice. Two months ago.

It is improving very well but i'm just scared of finding evidence online that I wont go back to my 100% wich is important for me. Memory was my strenght...
 
I know this is an old thread but thought I would reply in case anyone else in in this situation.
I took mdma pills everyweek for 5 years. Taking around 7 pills in a night out. And normal life lost any ounce of pleasure. I lived only for my mdma nights. Life was low, really low. Then I had a daughter and gave up the drugs to be a father. For weeks drug free I thought I'd fried my brain. Then after about a month I started to enjoy some things now and then. My life gradually regained it colour over the coming months. But I never felt fully recovered for nearly a year. But I DID RECOVER. My brain is not fried and works just as good as before and I enjoy life outside of a club.

Basically I just wanted to say to anyone that feels like I did and acieed did just leave the drugs alone, eat healthy and LET YOURSELF RECOVER. Because you will.

And in future take the advice of the op cause he know what he's talking about.
 
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