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MDMA Recovery (Stories & Support)

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me2point0 said:
I noticed lots of chest ''pains'' or ''discomforts''. Noticable heartbeat, heart squeeze if you know what I mean. Is this fruit of the brain just putting too much attention to it or my heart really got altered by the LTC. Is there any underlying heart condition that can be verified? My ECG revealed perfect above average heart... I'm stressed about rolling cuz I associate these heart discomforts with incomming heart attack or heart whatever lol...
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I used to react the same way to stimulants after my bad roll.

As time passed, thankfully so did the uncomfortable awareness of my heart beating/pounding/hurting.
 
Trust your doctor. If the EKG says you are good, you are good. Your anxiety is just causing you to focus on things you ordinarily would not pick up on. You can drive yourself insane second guessing your doctor, especially on non-neurological things.

Just relax and live your life.
 
Well guys I think I've improved a bit too. Now slightly over three months, I've improved a bit too. My physical anxiety is still really really bad but I've learned to not think about it all the time. Everytime I think a negative thought I am able to counter it with a positive one. Sometimes when I laugh its an honest laugh. So depression is way less. I feel like if I can keep up this mental state surely my anxiety must lessen too over time. This indeed seems to be the trick, to just try to counter negative thoughts and live life as full as is possible with this bitchass anxiety. I just hope I'll be able to go out and dance the night away again within a certain amount of time. Hope ur all doing fine!
 
I still have eye floaters, they're worse when I'm tired/stressed. They don't bother me at all though, the fatigue and sleeplessness is what i struggle with the most atm
 
I didn't know eye floaters were linked tk stress. I've had them as long as I can remember and thought it was just me not cleaning my contacts good enough.
 
Floaters? Could't give more of a fuck tbh. I have them. I can remember noticing them at different points in my life, but in the years before frying my brain I did not notice them at all. They have gotten much much worse after taking MDMA, but compared to other symptoms like anxiety, sleep, DP/DR, they are nothing. If I have to live with these floaters all of my life I just wouldn't care one bit. If they are really the thing you are worrying the most about consider yourself lucky.

Edit:

I'll throw in an update for those following my recovery.

I have felt very very good lately. I went to greece with a girl I've somehow managed to keep dating during this. I've been doing stuff with my friends as often as possible. I've been letting go. I've let go of the "LTC" life to a certain extent. I used to always go home early because of sleep. Recently I said fuck it, and I had the most awesome weekend in close to 7 months. I've been out to the beach, swimming, fishing, enjoying myself.

Mostly, I've been a different guy at work. New, refreshed. I've been much more social etc. Many days I've been feeling what I now consider to be 100% fine. I have still had minor HPPD and sleep issues, but I have had more single days than I can count right now where I've felt as good as I never thought I would feel again.

Despite all this, recently I've also experienced some of the worst anxiety, DP and DR since very early in my comedown. I don't know why that is, but yesterday I stood in front of the mirror, like I did during the first month, wondering who or what was staring back at me.
I was at a party yesterday, and for 3/4 of the conversations I felt as if I was "floating" about 1 second behind everything that I said.

Still, I feel like I am closing in on recovery. In a week I'll be at the 7 month mark. I'm secretly dreaming about reaching something close to a full recovery by the 1 year mark.

Stay strong.
Hold fast.
 
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coderbrah said:
I didn't know eye floaters were linked tk stress. I've had them as long as I can remember and thought it was just me not cleaning my contacts good enough.
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Must admit, I laughed at that. I guess they are, and yeah the same goes with me SFT, I remembered noticing them a couple of times. Pretty much my only remaining symptom, but I can live with it! I think they're just the last hurdle of my self-induced hypochondria/drug-induced anxiety.
 
Well, I rolled last night. It's not the place or time for a triprepport but I had an amazing time on half a pill.

The kick was subtle and very smooth, exactly what a perfect kick would feel to me. I was very very anxious right when I dropped it because I thought I had made a big mistake but then accepted my choice and felt confident it was going to be ok.

The ride was smooth and I enjoyed it very much. Today, I feel very very good. I am very confident in saying the positive experience degraded my dpdr alot.

Thanks for the kind words

WOOHOO:)
 
I'm still in the LTC technically. I feel better but as I stated earlier I really wanted a positive roll before quiting until I feel very close to 100% normal. It was wreckless but I knew what I was getting into. :)
 
me2point0 said:
I'm still in the LTC technically. I feel better but as I stated earlier I really wanted a positive roll before quiting until I feel very close to 100% normal. It was wreckless but I knew what I was getting into. :)
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Massive risk, but it's fantastic news for you and this forum that you got a good result. You showed again that this problem can be beaten and is nowhere near game over.

As a word of caution to everyone, though, I would advise against rolling if you're on a LTC unless you are fully-prepared to go back to square one. When I was on a LTC I had rolls that set me back to square one, and rolls that appeared to be fine. Basically, I seemed to be able to tolerate rolling after the initial 6 month peak was over. By that time I had also stopped smoking weed which I think made a big difference.

Overall, for anyone suffering a LTC, me2point0's positive experience should give you optimism :D. But I think you should also be very cautious and calculated.
 
I never wanted this to come across as "roll and get fucked". I just felt the need to share. I knew it was a massive risk, that's why I ran to my tripsitter, almost saying I was going to go puke it out ASAP because I thouht it was my biggest mistake ever, and it could of been tbh. Consider it was half a dose so the effect was small too.
 
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me2point0 said:
I never wanted this to come across as "roll and get fucked". I just felt the need to share. I knew it was a massive risk, that's why I ran to my tripsitter, almost saying I was going to go puke it out ASAP because I thought it was my biggest mistake ever, and it could of been tbh. Consider it was half a dose so the effect was small too.
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Don't worry you came across fine :D We all love rolling, and we're all probably very happy that you managed to have a good time. I'm definitely happy - you seriously deserve it after suffering a LTC. Do not feel bad one bit. We actually need more positive stories and you gave us a great one.

But on the other hand I wanted to help prevent people on LTC getting too carried and do something they regret - at least without acknowledging that they are taking a risk and it might put them back to square one.

Based on my experience and the reports on here, rolling whilst on a LTC can go either way; good or bad. Think carefully before you roll the dice because the stakes are high.
 
I would advise anyone considering rolling again to think long and hard. I waited several months after I had fully recovered and the first time I rolled, I triggered some nasty DP/DR again. Luckily I knew how to deal with it and stay positive or I could have seen it spiral out of control into another long, drawn out period of anxiety.
 
my story

Hi everyone. I have been reading about long term mdma comedown on Bluelight for about a month now , silently, as i was not able to talk about my situation until just now. I am not writing this because I want to be heard but because hopefully this can give hope to someone going throught the dakest of his/her days right now.

My story short (or maybe not that short now that i am re-reading it ha). I first tried MDxx 2 years ago, had an amazing time , didnt know about the nasty long term possible effects and kept on taking it on a regular basis at least twice/3times a month on average I would say (average dose half a gram approx). Things got a bit more intense since last October when I started getting high almost every weekend, sometimes going even 2 days in a row without no sleep in between (or an hour long power nap just then to keep on going till the next afternoon or so)

One night beginning of march this year after having a 2 day banter on coke and md we bought some stuff off a guy we never dealt with. Took a line and after about 40min in it kicked in. A rush that I never felt before, heart racing, chest pressure...Called the ER , they came, took my pressure and heart beat and all was fine so they left with advice of just resting up. After that weekend I had 2 more weekends where I had about half gram again on both occasions. And during both times at some point I experienced a little anxiety but not as severe. I could shake it off after a few days and all was fine.


Mid march I decided to leave the city, left my job and went home to start my own business planning to come back to the city to continue doing that. About a month after my last roll weird things started to happen. Shakes, heart race, chest pressure n all of that. Went from doc to doc, no one found anything everyone said im fine its just nerves from the change of scenery. Looking back now I can say I had anxiety 24/7 non stop. On May 25 (I think at least, cant really remember or maybe I can but its not that important) I had a huge panic attack. Ended up at the hospital my heart was racing and I thought that this time its over. Doctors wanted to take me to psychiatry and keep me there but I refused. After that night is when the nightmare started. I experienced severe DP/DR where I could not connect with reality, everything felt as if it wasnt there including myself. Everything around me just wasnt normal and I thought I was going crazy and never will be normal again. Fear of death was so strong that I didnt see meaning in life and had suicidal thoughts the minute I woke up till the minute I went to bed.

I am on month 3 now (altough I took coke and drank some nights quite a lot in between , not after the huge panic attack, but its been 3 weeks that im completely sober of all bad things inc coffee), getting better every day (knock knock...on wood i have to add). My business I wanted to kick off was stagnating as I was not able to do anything productive about it and I also lost my old motivation tbh. But I can now see the light at the end of the tunnel. I have my dreams drive and passion back again. Every day brings improvemets, I dont have DP/DR anymore (although still sometimes things feel weird including myself but that is very rare now and doesnt freak me out anymore) but I dont have the crazy thoughts any longer. Thoughts which I thought will drive me insane. And just as some of you have said, that turning point happened in one moment. I was in a car and things started looking normal again, I felt normal, happy (not as my old self but i could taste it :) These moments give me hope that one day I will be back to normal.

I think I am very lucky to be away from the city with my family. if this would hit me while alone in the big city I am not sure how I would cope = so big up to all of you who are going throught this alone, while still having to do your day to day stuff, job or whatever that is. But it aint easy either way. I exercise twice a day, eat very healthy,dont take any pills whatsoever, try to occupy myself most of the day by doing things all the time. Yesterday for the first time I felt normal again, i was so happy I started cleaning the whole house (something i would never ever do without someone telling me to do so ha). Today was a bit worse but still fine considering that yesterday around lunch i felt hopeless again for a few hours (again would like to stress out that this doesnt freak me out anymore).

I would like to thank everyone who wrote their success stories here, It gave me hope and fueled my recovery for sure! So again a BIG THANK YOU!

Before this I have to add, I had no idea that mdma or e can cause such severe comedowns. I will never touch md again as my sanity and life I value much more than a few hours of parteey and due to the trauma it had caused. Thanks to Bluelight I have learned that mdxx is a very dangerous drug - mixed with other stuff we dont even know about when taking even worse. (I am not going to write its not dangerous when taking responsibly because I read stories of people who only had it once with the same horrifying effect). I would not give or recommend taking md to anyone now. As this can happen to first users too. But then again its up to the individual to decide whether to experiment or not. I cant deny I had some great moments while on it but the risks are too high now.

Note: I never had any depression or anxiety issues before this nor anyone from my family.

If anyone would have any questions about anything please pm me! Also, I tried to open a new thread but not sure how and where is the best place to do so , so it reaches the right audience (people suffering from LCD or wanting to know more about it) . If anyone could give advice on this I would be very thankful.

Oh and btw I am 26 and a female (as someone here I think mentioned why this only happens to guys .)
 
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Well thank you for sharing your story. I'm sure we're all glad you're feeling better. Keep us updated. Even posts of people improving helps a lot. Are you still having the shakes/heart racing and chest pressure and stuff? Stay strong!
bicycle
 
I've only done MDMA 3 times, but I really think sometimes that MDMA would reverse this all. I'm not planning on doing it but it keeps on coming up in my head. One of my best friends had an episode from January-March from MDMA where he was extremely paranoid and anxious and he did it again, and some coke too and he came right out of it and is fine again. It's like the MDMA that got him extremely anxious, was reversed by MDMA making him extremely happy. Now he's absolutely top form, and stopped drugs too.

Is anyone's night vision still bad too? I just walked home and the halos from the street lights were almost blinding. Just curious if that's cleared up for anyone.
 
Hi everyone. I thought I would share my story of my (semi) LTC. Since around 2008 I have used MDMA maybe 3 times a year in small doses, gradually doing it less until maybe once per year for the last 3 years. I never experienced any problems with it. I would enjoy the high and as soon as the effects wore off would become very tired, go to sleep and wake up with practically no negative effects (maybe a slight slight bit of 1 day long depression).

This pattern changed recently. In late MAY between Saturday and Sunday from 6 PM -6 AM, myself and 3 others bombed and sniffed about 3.5g of untested MDMA crystal between us. So I would say just under a gram each. The others are all fine after this, but not me. The effects felt were similar to MDMA, except not as strong to what I remember the feeling to be like. I still got the "rushes" but less empathetic effects were felt than would usually be. I know its stupid to re-dose more than once, but the others and their desire to keep doing more led to me doing more. I cant really remember much past 6 hours as it destroys your short term memory I find.

Anyway. So after smoking lots of weed and sniffing alot of MD, I eventually got really tired and went to sleep at about 6 AM. Woke up around 10 AM to find the others still up and complaining how they cant sleep. Smoked a blunt with them then went back to half sleeping half awake until 6 PM. Drove 100 miles back to my home and felt fairly normal, just quite tired. Fell asleep with no problem and went to work the next day.

24 HR after: At work I felt very nauseous and went home after a few hours. The Nausea wasn't too bad but was very uncomfortable. I found lying on my side helped it go away. Ate normally, talked wiht my family, but definitely noticed myself being quite emotional. I had much trouble sleeping on this night. Had a few of these "brain zaps" and found that when I was drifting off to sleep, I would suddenly jolt awake and find my heart beating very quickly. After an hour or so i managed to get to sleep.

48 HR after: Felt incredibly dizzy and head foggy. Felt very distressed and emotional. I believe I had very low blood pressure, hence the dizzy feeling of light headedness. No nausea but felt far worse this day than the previous. Got to sleep fairly easily I believe.

72 HR after: Similar symptoms to the previous day, but far less severe. Managed to go to work and finish the day - but still with the light headed feeling.

4 days later: No more dizziness or light headed-ness. Now experiencing head pressure on the back of my brain / top of neck. This gets worse when I look down (part of the job). Not really painful but very distracting and worrying. Cue much reading on bluelight and other forums.

5 days later: Had an job interview. Feel a strange head pressure / headache in the car, but I am focused on the interview. Interview goes fairly well. Stop at my friends house on the way home and stay there for the weekend. Felt fine all weekend. Probably distracted from the symptoms by friends and having a few drinks.

No symptoms from this Friday, across the weekend and into the next week.

Middle of 2nd week: On the odd say I felt fine. On others day I got the head pressure on the rear of skull/brain when looking down too much. Depending on whether I felt the head pressure, my anxiety levels would be higher, leading to greater awareness of the temporal artery in the right temple when sleeping. This means I can feel the pillow twitch to my pulse when going to sleep. Very frustrating and worrying. As is the head pressure. Apart from this I have no depression or any mental side effects apart from feeling tired randomly (on a few days) and feeling a slight amount of brain fog. I am feeling this brain fog this evening.


Middle of 3rd week: The most recent symptoms begun again on Friday (it is now Tuesday night). These begun with head pressure from looking down at work too much. Usually this feeling would subside after I left work, but this weekend I felt headaches over my right temple and a far more severe occurrence of "brain fog". These symptoms gradually went away by the end of Sunday and resurfaced today (Tuesday) from my looking down at work.

Still always getting the awareness of the temporal artery (mainly when sleeping, sometimes when awake). I am soon leaving this old job for a few month break before starting my new job. Hopefully I can recover in this time.



This is a very helpful thread and it's reassuring to read other's accounts of their own symptoms.

I am curious as to whether anyone has experienced rear head pressure (usually triggered by looking downwards at steep angles for extended amounts of time), and awareness of the temporal artery / pulse in one's head.

I have found nothing on the internet about awareness of pulse in the head. Thanks.
 
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Having a bad day with physical symptoms. I decided to go for an intense run this afternoon, I was fine until I stopped running, my left ear felt like it popped and everything sounded strange in both ears, I had whooshing sensations in my right ear, scary. It passed after a few minutes and I was okay. Then this evening I had 2 small anxiety attacks. I don't know what to make of this all anymore. I've been mentally fine for about 2 weeks then suddenly I feel like I'm right back where I was. I'm really not convinced that all these symptoms are due to LTC even though I've been cleared by a cardiologist.
 
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